stairway2happiness-blog
On My Way To Happiness (pervertedloverversion)
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And here I am again, back in square one.
He is not into it. There is like a million things running in my mind about it. But my conclusion is i got no self respect. I throw hints that i want him but he just brush it of. I lay myself out there openly and theres nothing. I have to actually say it and do the first move. Where is my self worth? Iam back where iam before. Im gonna be hurt again.
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Its Tuesday!
Tuesday. Its Tuesday God damn it! Freaking fucking Tuesday. You know its not about the money. I dont even give a flying fuck about how much you gonna give me. I asked for help with your kids. With your own flesh and blood. Whats your excuse now? You forgot? You know you cant just forget the things thats important to you. When you love somethings, someone they just dont slipped your mind. You make time for them, you make them as your priority and you give your all, your best. This proves a lot of things.
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Trees
It gets lonely but i will not forget how lonely i was when we used to be together. I waited for you each night to come lay with me. That familiar trees outside our home that we promised to built our family with. Those leaves swinging as the wind passes them and as my tears come rolling down my cheeks. You know i waited for you every night, every freaking night and it gets lonely. I make a room for you just in case you wanna lay with me. I never sleep on your side just in case you come around. I watched the tree as i eventually fall asleep. I have cried for you everynight worrying youll be safe, praying everything shall pass and we will soon find our ways back together. I can still see the tree as i close my eyes. Familiar scenery as i feel this way. At least now i have all the right reason to feel lonely. Its sad how those trees waited for you to come home.
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I am getting better at this crap. Who would have thought i would make it.
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You told me this was our song. No! This was our aong to her you pieces of crap!!!!
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Rebound girl
I totally forgot that was our song. I clicked on it and it stings. I heard that song again and it kinda got me but it didnt hurt as much as i thought i would. I kinda feel ok. I didnt cry. My mind played a quick flashback of you telling me thats our song and all i t ink about is that , it was never really for me. I thought about her and how you did her. And i was a rebound girl. You were so mad at her and i was there. All think about is i regret that night in korea when i found out that you lied. I should have walked away and saved myself from all this. I was available so you went for me. That guy in gazebo is nothing but lies... i should have walked away.
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Where do you go after the phrase… “I gave up on you…” and he let me believe he was fighting too?
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My emotions took over again today. I got carried away again. you said a lot of things and coming from somebody I love really fuck me up inside. Like I'm some kind of nobody. Like you never loved me. It hurts.
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I got a flashback from our old hotel room in texas. It wasn't good, I felt alone and wanted to run away but it was comfortable and even if I was miserable I wanted to go back. NOTE TO SELF: REMEMBER THIS FEELING AND GIVE YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE SELF RESPECT.
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I just want everything to stop. I am so tired. I want to just run away from all this responsibilities. I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ADULT FOR NOW! I have to stop what I am doing. I want to run so bad but the farthest I can go is to hold my phone and start blogging my freaking feelings. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm overwelmed and the worst part about this is nobody knows and if I complain I am a bad mom. My 3 week old baby just went full exorcism puke all over me. I am soaking and I feel wet, smelly and nasty everywhere. Juice coming down in all the wrong places but I can't put her down because she will cry. It's past 6 at night and we have this superstition that you can't let them cry or they will get sick, whatever. You want the vest for your kids but nobody actually understand that it's frustatrating. I put my 2 year old is in his high chair. He's whinny and load and irritating. We both hungry and I am cooking at the same time all this is happening, and washing bottles and laundry. Our washer broke down on us 2 weeks ago and I was hand washing everything. I feel like a ping pong ball going back and forth. 2 kids screaming in my ears. Got no decent sleep yet since I gave birth and still tries to workout to go back to the freaking military to do all this crap. I'm like full blown self pitying over here and I really hate it coz I'm supposed to suck it all up and freaking be strong. I'm all bad mom for hating my kids right now. I am a bad daughter for yelling at my mom to cut me some slack. U am a vad wife for blaming him about all this, coz he can't help me right now. I can't do nothing right when all I want is be the best on all this. Fuck! I can't even smoke. I can't escape.
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I know I did a lot of things and I really wish I could take it back. but do I really deserve to be treated like this? You could have waited at least a year or two. Or at least not post it on social sites so I cant see it, so I am not feeling like this. I dont matter and my feelings dont mean shit to you and knowing that, just intensify all this bullcrap. i dont know what to do... im lost. im stuck and all i just wanted is to move on but all this fucking emotions is in my way.
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#feelings #moments #takemyhand #walkingaway #idontneedsaving #ineedtimetoheal
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I’m not brave any more darling. I’m all broken. They’ve broken me.
Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms (via wordsnquotes)
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if only I can be from your memories
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