st-bullshit

[st-bullshit]

I want to hold something real for a little bit - just for a little - and I want it to be mine and I want it to forget its own hunger - I want the mountains to open up - so many sharp mouths! - that swallow all of life that needs tending, I want rest - a deep, ceaseless one - like a death, places where loneliness cannot reach me - where can’t it reach me?

[st-bullshit]

waterfall worship: paintings in hotel hallways dripping artwork to the symmetrical rug. darkly we ride the carousel, a moment of clarity for hospital beds a breather for the burial committee

[st-bullshit]

So sad it made your eyes piss themselves

[st-bullshit]

rodan

this tourniquet night keeping the hopes swallowed down as to me, standing in the hallway unthinking and hollowed

When is the future? Not now, not now.

time twins us, my doppelganger is the one that dances

[st-bullshit]

With So Many Other Things To Remember

bosc pears talk amongst themselves, rock toward your eye's wonderful wander, knows you can't remember what the good ones are

[st-bullshit]

in a twilight tree-made cathedrals shape themselves out of longing even in dreams I am lonely, silver as a spider web, my hands arched in sharp shades and directions and she returns but too far, I cannot scrape my life out from the bottom of the jar, we flail about helpless as terrible birds and careen over  separate horizons, even in dreams

I am lonely -

[st-bullshit]

look, you get this far, there's only so much forgiveness you can get. it's been years. for years i've been watching myself sink beneath this caricature of a person, trying to negotiate -- this is why you deserve to breathe. you aren't a failure. you just failed a few times at something. what if you get the other things right?

some things to tidy up? no, i'm not here to apologize. i learned to leave those things well alone. no one wants remorse so far removed. no, i am trying on my skin again. it hurts. but it's a start.

[st-bullshit]

Hope like a broken arrow. A cabin surrounded by countless predecessors, existing on sticks and small forgivenesses. My life is an apology, spent in genuflection, palms facing dirt, waiting for the Son to kiss my head. Sole survivor, my love. The trees fell by my feet as they drag from forest to shore; it's morning and I promise to make something. Myself, creator. Mistakes tossed into the wind, the river seizes like it's scared to lose - it's a joke - we all return to water, like me to you. Like a shot in the dark in the forest alone. Like running home. The wolves are howling. My bow is drawn.

[st-bullshit]

playground design

They were smoking indoors.

I didn’t know you do that at casinos because,

well, I don’t go to casinos

someone asked if I’m twenty-one

I said ya and im here to see the governor, fuk u

then I won the free car and drove off,

I wish, really I waited in the corner

like a cockroach hiding from blingy sound effects and people

playing grown-up chuck e cheese like playing

house when you marry too young like stamping ink stains into smiley faces like sharpie-ing your name on park benches like like like winning and losing and smoking I thought this is AcCeNtUaTiNg wHaT iT’s TrYiNg To EsCaPe and felt pseudo-wise like that kid who raises their hand too much in class and god I wanted out of there I just really wanted out of there.

[st-bullshit]

just like one can never forget the sensation of hunger I will never forget that singular want. the way it stalks me, life to life like a series of rooms we slouch back and forth from. parsing from shadow whatever meaning we can briefly secure. nameless, I cannot recover it fully, just feel the knowing of it lingering, lurking at the edges of memory, my aging body, the ever growing unbelievable fact that I was held once.

[st-bullshit]

Nothing works

not udders on lizards

not saints in the bank

The criminal sun

has darkened

and Cupid's

queued up

for castration

[st-bullshit]

let me explain the piss in the pantry: i'm very good at living by the code of finders keepers. if and when i ever apologize it will be for the intake of asparagus and how i never found the time to care about the little things.

[st-bullshit]

Some Place // Some Thing

the afternoon hums, it is calling me to rejoin the forest, the riverbed

they had halos above their heads to notify me spam calls about seeking peace in this half-serious of living

Mercy, be rhythm and seek stones build a cairn for me cut my beard imagine i am sea stranded         or; I’m walking more like was suggested uphill, strengthening my calves but the palms are still weak and rot ridden

Kiss me maybe, like we’re at the edge of a World’s demise fight like cats, or something, or maybe wish the cats had houses with windows and then guns to shoot those windows

it is peaceful in my head because that is a World i exist in

i think that’s what I want to say

[st-bullshit]

stick around for the destruction of the sky

#what sky what sky what sky #the sky is dead

[st-bullshit]

fret not

sleepyhead

the morning’s

first revelation

is about to

deliver itself

like a

half digested

rabbit

squeezed out

the back end

of a snake

[st-bullshit]

THE FETISHIZING OF GENTLE TAXIDERMY

Out by the river and the public baths and maybe even the pond by the old bed and breakfast where Charlie killed Marcus last Christmas, I can see visions and levitating people just out of reach; in and out like ideas, like the outer shell of a brittle little secret, cup it in your hands but it leaves you anyway.

My dreams are unknown territory; supermarkets stretch out for miles, I can't help but notice this. Just when you think it's finally getting colder, that it might snow, the heat and humidity come back. There's a tension in my neck that won't leave; I turned my head too fast today, trying to pull out of the driveway, and felt the kind of pain that scares you more than it hurts. Waking up to another day of festering wounds and tight medicine turnarounds.

[st-bullshit]

having the bends like lightweight piracy. he'd give a million dollars for the next person with attention even if he's waterboarded, even if he's next to last in hell's DMV.