springeternum

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— Rainer Maria Rilke, from “I am praying again, Awesome One.”

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ALT

— A Prayer, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry 

[text ID: I’m only asking for strength for my days. Teach me the art of small steps.]

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I sometimes go here just to scroll my feeds and check your reblogs and somehow feel better, feeling good just to see, 'ah here's the stuff my baby has read & seen on her feeds that she liked'. Like there's just something cute, sweet and intimate about quietly observing what your dearest likes. Getting to know them a little more, indirectly, seeing what they interact with and I guess how their little world looks like. I find joy in these little things and it cheer me up so much, silly thing.

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Kok aku belum nulis lagi sih di sini

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i so desperately want someone who gives their one and only lime wedge to me

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Two for twice the charm you have!

It’s good to meet you for another month again, sayang!

If I can be honest.. this month feels very... interesting? 😂 I just feel like, for me, shit gets real. Like it just dawn on me that I’m really in *a relationship* with you and well.. no matter how easy a relationship is, it still requires work. From my part, especially.

You probably noticed how I don’t really share my problems or anything too personal to you from the beginning. At first it was just.. we started from FWA? I don’t want things to be awkward with me making it intense or heavy with my feelings. But then, apa ya, the more I know you and like you, I just have this sense of.. I really don’t want to burden you. I want only all things good for you. Having you worry about me is the least thing I want. And despite your constant assurance that I can just be who I am, I don’t have to pretend fine or put up a show around you, it’s just my nature to think things will be easier if I just show you my happy self and hid away whatever is more complicated. 

But I guess... hahahhaha it don’t work that way right (cry)

Tau ngga sih aku sampe curhat sama temenku gimana ya to open up to you about things. To let loose, I guess? I asked that eventually in relationship we’ll sit with each other’s problems and we share them, right. I’m really learning again to feel my feelings and communicate it, because I know you will sense it anyway. Aku juga ngga bisa kan bohong terus dan cuma being around you when I’m fully fine, never letting you in on my feelings & struggles.

Aku malu juga sih, sebetulnya? Kamu jarang lihat aku get emotional, and I can send really long texts full of me sobbing with emotions. I just don’t wanna overwhelm you, especially make you worry about having to return the exact same energy. Takut kamu kaget juga. (Tipis takut kamu pergi juga sih kalau kaget wow aku sebawel itu sama perasaanku, I’m not whatever I try to put up front ahaha... tapi pede maju dulu)

When I said I feel like shit gets real now, I meant it in a way that.. I’m now actually feeling attached to you? Despite falling for you from the very first time, and wanting to do everything with you; I realize being emotionally attached or dependent to anyone really scare me. I want to cherish you, not need you. But it’s inevitable right. And I want to do this scary part with you, too.

I’m learning to ask for your hand to hold when things feel heavy to carry alone. I’m learning to trust my vulnerabilities to you, knowing that you’d love me (as you have already!) on my tough days too. Aku ngga mau kita saling take on each other’s burden (I have a feeling that we won’t, we’re both independent babies) but I wanna be there for each other in all seasons. To offer hugs, to offer strength, companion, listening ear or even silence.

We both don’t like talking about feelings, we both really avoid confrontations, but let’s take slow enjoyable walks and celebrate baby steps. Thank you for welcoming me warmly, for thinking I’m cute and reassuring me when I’m expressing all those feelings, let me cling to you even more and rely on you in the coming months please.

Random tapi mau bilang juga. Kamu cantik, both in and out. Also brain wise. Pokoknya pacar aku cantik & lembut banget, I'm so lucky to have you? Kok bisa sih?

Ketemu lagi tahun depan di Januari ya, masih mau sayang sayang kamu banget! 🥺💘 to the moon and back, I love you!

#Spotify

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Something weirdly cute happens today.

I was away from my phone watching YouTube and tuning to Blue Lock. I checked if you were asleep between the episodes, but you were on Genshin so I carried on and clicked on the next episodes. I think I honestly enjoyed it a little too much that I took awhile getting back to your text?

Right then as I watched the series played, I thought of just how nice it is with us. With you. And how we are. I like our pace (I wonder if where we are is okay with you, but I know you'd tell me if things are too much or underwhelming).

It's so pleasant to be able to have our own time, to not be glued to each other every living seconds and minutes. To peacefully enjoy our interests, still having my own time to do my own thing; without ever feeling anxious of leaving your messages unread, nor felt irritated that you haven't replied for hours. Because hey, we know where we probably went anyway.

But today as I wrap things up and get ready to rest, I realized I feel new thing: I'm missing you.

I mean, I miss you many times before this as well, but. It's the kind where I actually get a little pouty and scratching my head, struggling with this unidentified feeling. I was totally feeling happy about not spending 24/7 together, so why do I feel the odd pull of grumpily wanting to talk to you before I sleep? I'm today years old when I identify the strange feelings as "kangen", lol.

I realize that.. you miss someone when you cherish their presence, and you can miss them a heck lot, even though you don't mind spending time away from them. I learn that I can enjoy and honor my own personal space (and in doing so, allowing and honouring yours too) and still missing you at the same time, looking forward to spend time with you and having you around me. I realized that two pleasant feelings can coexist together and I don't have to choose.

I don't have to choose between keeping you 24/7 with me and be overwhelmed, or having too much space that it felt like we're out of each other's reach. We can have.. healthy amount of both. And it comes naturally with you, apparently.

And what a pleasantly strange discovery it is to have :]

ps. sorry for being so ridiculously long about something so simple, but I adore you a lot. the effect you have on me, warm glow and soothing lullaby. thank you for working hard today, bebe!

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I hope life embrace you warmly and spoil you with happiness, I hope it hugs you as warm as I would, because I think.. I think hugs would better express what my words couldn't, about how grateful I am to have you here. To meet you; among millions other people.

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First to many more.

The reason for this particular video is NOT the lack of their content 😡 but. They were bickering about how Hoon is wearing the NY Yankees hat even though Jay has just thrown first pitch for LA Dodgers. That's somehow like us with our differing interests and taste in things, our sometimes opposite little traits and details. They eventually settle with saying that, it's okay. They'll go to New York too anyway and maybe they can visit the Yankees as well while he's got the hat. And isn't that us too?

It's okay if we like different things, I can always learn and enjoy the things you love as I sit with you and I can introduce you to what I like too. We don't have to choose, neither has to change and we can be our own person each, and we'll do both! We'll try each other's favorite things without changing who we are as a person.

And I think that perfectly sums up how it's been like, walking in love with you. It's an enjoyable walk with mundane yet pretty sights all around with you next to me. Found this as well and I'll attach it here. Let's meet on the next 22, baby! 🕯️

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Two days of discord date with boyfriend for the weekend agenda, spending quality time (yes it’s very high quality time!!) while his wifi is behaving nicely. 

It’s cute to see you being frustrated cracking the genshin puzzles ft. aku yang banyak tanya dan going “waaah waah” with the pyramid thing lol. and you immersing yourself, squealing over the cliche cheese chinese drama but this time with me, ngga squealing sendirian lagi :p 

My watchlist is growing even more with boyfriend’s C-dramas recs! To more dates when we’re free and want to spend a slow, easy evening giggling to a comfort watchlist & your gameplays! (Gamer’s partner thing now I guess? lol)

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📝

Hey, it’s your (struggling) boyfriend typing and making this, as you’re sleeping soundly away at the dreamland!

If there’s any similarity we share, it’d be our mutual struggle with emotions. Among us two, you obviously being the better one at expressing it outwardly than I do. Me with my rare occasions of admitting that I miss you when we haven’t text for awhile.

I adore how spontaneous and excited you are with whatever you feel, you easily say or show it out loud: be it happy, annoyed, I’d always know because you’ll blabber to me about it. Due to that I feel so lucky because I receive so much love from you naturally, and it’s easy to get to know you because you always fill me in on your days. On the other hand with my shy and quiet self, emotionally guarded and reserved, I kept things on my own most days and I just..? 

I worry that I didn’t tell you enough how much I like you. How much I like being around you, spending time with you doing everything or nothing. How I cherish & treasure every smallest detail you share me, all your TMIs and burst of emotions. All your random questions and change of topics in our conversations. Or just, how much I’m in love with you every single day.

I worry that my words or actions don’t catch up with the multitudes of feelings I have for you, I worry that the love I feel doesn’t quite translate or get to you as much as I wanted it to. 

I wish to love you just right: not too much that it overwhelms & drain you, not too little that you don’t feel its presence. But I don’t know how to measure that (do any of us know, anyway?). Sooo as a middle ground.... here’s a blog, or I suppose a virtual diary? I can just write and say things with less restrictions or worries about how I come off or about my timing, and you can simply drop by to check in anytime and look around. Chilling here, reading. Without the pressure to respond too! I just thought of a space where (I hope) I can be more open to you.

Which is cheesy of me but, you give me all the butterflies & cheesy sweetness all this time & I haven’t given you nearly half as much. 

Enjoy your stay, bebe. Remember I love you! 

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https://evelionheart.medium.com/on-the-intimacy-of-the-mundane-863f9efb3c39

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“receiving love and warmth in your low phases is like getting a life jacket that finally fits your spirit, it’s fuel that keeps you going in moments your energy is running on empty, it’s connections with capacity to hold this space for you that should never be taken for granted.”

— iambrillyant