spes-elpis
spes-elpis
stories of my past and hope for the future
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3/21/2022
wow its almost been a year since i wrote in here. and im not gonna finish all that other stuff from that last post. i actually had that post in drafts for some reason. anyway, i’ve been...tired. so much has happened these past two years i feel like ive aged 10 years, and yet its also been such a blur too. i started a new job and been working for about 3 weeks now. its coffee bean and tea leaf. the people are so nice its almost suspicious. and it wasn't until a hobo freaked out in the store that i realized im un-phased by those things cause they were so normal where i used to live. this is my first “teen” job. ive only ever really worked jobs that entailed certain professional fields and not barista with drive thru experience. its fine though. pretty easy although instead of me being the younger new girl, i am now older than half my coworkers and a few supervisors. after the past 2 years my finances went down the drain along with my credit score. so ill have to look for a second job cause this 15bucks and hour on part time is not gonna cut it. ive been stressed over money since last December when my government help stopped. for a while my fiance was working side jobs when i need him to work an actual job where he clocks in and gets a steady paycheck. i support him way to much when im the woman in the relationship i should be the stay at home one in the kitchen. its bothered me for a while now. me taking care of him when he should, at least financially. hell a few days ago we bought groceries for 300bucks and he was like it was expensive when can i get money from you and i was like EXCUSE ME? it had gotten so irritating with little things here and there like i bought him a 50 dollar atst figure for his bday while i also buy our toiletries, laundry, and food things. he doesn't buy me shit. when we go out for food is really the only time he pays and even then he sometimes asks me for money. i really needed nonslip shoes for my job but couldn't afford them and it took so much for him to finally say ok you can BORROW my money. i was like fuck you cant just buy them for me? its not even a fun thing its a job necessity. and with all this buying stuff and him asking me for money almost expecting me to do it has gotten me into the type of thinking where i don't want to marry him. ive come to that a few times. though he doesn't know, im sure it'd hurt him, ive come so close to calling off the engagement and just staying this way but where i don't buy him shit anymore. so i made a promise with the Lord last month. i was like ok if by the end of next month he doesn't go out to apply to a steady job, then im gonna have a serious conversation with him about whats at stake. THANKFULLY pretty much at the beginning of this month he started looking for a steady job with tradesman stuff like electrician and construction. i hope that him having a steady income will also fix his attitude and depression. i cant help but remember what my dad told me once.
“Men need to work and have a steady income in order to care for their families and when they don't have that they feel so helpless and depressed because they feel they are unable to care for their loved ones.” (paraphrased)
I think that's exactly whats happened to Max. i love him sooooooooooooo much but i also am starting to think more of how i want to be a stay at home mom who home schools her children and takes care of a small farm. all that traditional family life costs STABILITY. and money, sadly, is the root of everything. i don't ever want to hold money over anything, because i believe life and relationships and experiences are worth so much more. but i also know the reality of it being, you need money to do all those things. i want my kids to experience different cultures and travel to beautiful natural places but that costs money. i hate that money has such a horrible hold. i grew up with no money so no real way to adventure and fly free like ive always wanted, like i would in my books. i don't want my kids to feel trapped like that. i don't want them to just explore from a book, but also out there where people and nature are.
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8/16/2021
okay so this is gonna be a couple parts or a long post. last week was a whirlwind. monday morning i drove my mom and aunt from CA to AZ to visit some family. we were supposed to leave on wednesday, but as we were saying our last goodbyes and literally walking to the car to start our trip home. my aunt who is 69yrs old, misstepped on the stairway and fell and rolled. my mom screamed like someone got shot and my cousins and i rushed over to my aunt. we took her to the ER at 13:00 and got poor service all the way till we were finally discharged at 23:00. she had fallen on her hip, side, and head. looked like she sustained a slight concussion, smashed her side, and dislocated her hip. after a few xrays and checks, turns out she cracked 3 ribs, and heavily bruised her hip.
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8/07/2021
went to wine country with my friends! the first time i’ve ever been there and i had a great and fun time! we celebrated three of our birthdays and went to two or three wine places and ate good southern food after. we had wines slushies and got pretty swirly. it was fun and we all had a pretty good time too! our two guy friends loved the birthday gift and cards we got them. and then at the end of the night my friend (who ask me to be a sister today!) gave me my bday present and card then gave me a Bridesmaid gift to ask me to be one of her bridesmaids! what she wrote was so nice and meant so much to me.
“I looked through a tremendous number of bridesmaid proposal cards and felt many of them feel silly for what I'm looking for so i figured I’d write out a note with it. I am so tremendously appreciative to have you in my life and so thankful for the friendship we have. I'm always excited to get your calls, it always adds an air of levity to my day. Never afraid to speak your mind and stand up for what is right, your candid personality is so charming. you are so kind and sweet-an absolute gem to have as a friend. so now with attempt number two of the wedding. i would love nothing more than to have you stand by my side. literally could not imagine it happening without such an integral individual by my side. here’s to hoping the covid stuff goes away soon! But i figured i should ask now in case things don’t lock down again...Will you be my Bridesmaid?”
it made me tear up cause i haven't heard anything nice like that about me since my dad passed away. i haven't heard such positive things about me in so long i started to think i’m not that way at all. and that she hand written and created the little gift box and card made me feel so special. i hope so dearly that we stay friends and become closer throughout our futures. it almost feels like shes filling the fried void that Summer left. i don't have many friends if any, but i hope Sara stays in my life.
damn i better start losing weight....
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8/05/2021
i painted the entire kitchen ceiling and walls today! pretty proud of myself for actually doing it and not just saying it. the original walls and ceiling were a tan-ish almond-ish light beige-y color. the house is eighties with formally white color carpets and aslant tall ceiling on one half of the house that is such a waste of space. but painting the kitchen white and i think ill be painting the cabinets a dark olive green. and then Mac will be installing a nice (fake) wood floor.
last night i had a kinda bad dream. so not really bad nor was it a nightmare, it just kinda sucked. i was getting bagged on by my whole family. just comments and judgements about me and everything about me. i feel like i have to be this perfect thing for everyone and if i deviate, even a little bit, im a selfish bitch. but that's how i felt a lot when i was younger. where as now, i realize i don't care because it really doesn't matter and it doesn't make any sense to let others dictate everything about you and your own world and how you live. Mac has really helped me realize this for myself. instead of thinking oh i shouldn't be like this” or “oh i have to do that or else they will blah blah” i should instead think “its okay that i don't agree with her” or “its okay to say no i don't want to do that”. so that weird and suckish dream i had is kinda funny being awake. though im still not immune to hurt feelings from being verbally picked on everything about me. i can at least move forward and i can be happy and okay with MY choices and MY actions.
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8/04/2021
the past three or four days has been fun. went to the mountains and went on two different alpine coasters, drove mini carts, and got high and played mini golf all at this small vacation village. then went to a small little zoo they had and in the middle of this summer heat it started drizzling. so it smelled like wet bears and eagles. but it was cool. then yesterday we went to a 100 acre railroad museum and got a tour and got to go into some train cars. then for lunch we had a little tailgate picnic with sandwiches and ALOT of water. it was fun but it was also 108 degree weather. we were melting. we were there for the first half of the day so it was about 13:00 when we were on the way home. as we got comfortable in the air conditioned car we remembered the air force museum we passed on the way there. so on a whim we pulled off into that museum and spent the rest of the day there. luckily most of the museum was inside a giant flight hanger, but when we went to their plane displays outside. IT WAS SO HOTT. we had several frozen liter bottles that melted while we walked and drank but it still wasn't enough water. i may have suffered a small heat stroke towards the end while we were walking back to the car. there were even a few times i dumped the water on my body and walked through sprinklers to help. once we got into the air conditioned car, i realized i would die in the desert. my genes were just not meant to survive in the extremely dry desert heat. on the upside it was fun and since we went in the middle of the week during the day while the sun was nuking everything, there weren't many visitors. at the railway museum we were the only guests, and at the air force museum there may have been only two or three other families there. it was nice for us. Mel loved both museums cause he’s super into trains and planes. he can name any plane or train there and can give a mini history on it. hell, he knew more than the tour guide at the railroad museum. i spoiled him a bit with some train memorabilia and an astronaut ice ream at the air force gift shop. downside is i forgot my engagement ring at home the whole day. the first time i’ve ever gone out without it on. but that whole day was nice. i love going on road trip adventures with him. it just feels...right. not just perfect; not just nice; just right.
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8/01/2021
i miss my dad. its like a small background feeling all day. not enough to make me super sad and everything, but enough for me to have moments of deep memory of him. i sucks cause some days i’m fine and others i have a dream of him, then i wake up with him as my first thought, then periodically through the day he pops up. luckily Max is with me. hes patient and caring and hugs me through it all. although sometimes i notice he cant face me when i bring up my dad. i think its because he also misses him. he told me once that hes been wanting to proposed to me pretty much the first year we were together although he never felt like it was the right time or he could provide enough for me. but he told me he felt guilty about not asking sooner. sooner to ask BOTH my parent for my hand, sooner so that my dad could walk me down the aisle and give me to him. he regrets it. not doing it sooner. that information brought me to tears. though i cant say whether it was hurt, sad, hope, glad, i don't know. i mean its nice to know he knew he wanted to keep me from the start but it hurts knowing my dad COULD’VE walked me down the aisle and dance with me and bless our marriage. i know that was one of the biggest things my dad wanted. both for us and for him. i miss my dad so much. i miss him so much. i wish i could call him and talk to him and hear his voice. i love you dad.
anyways. im gonna try to write a bit more in this journal of mine. i know i missed a whole month lol maybe i can go into actually writing in a physical journal. although this one will definately stand the test of time....right?
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“Peter. You won’t forget me, will you?” Me? Forget? Never.
Jeremy Sumpter and Rachel Hurd-Wood as Peter Pan and Wendy in PETER PAN (2003) dir. P. J. Hogan
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7/27/2021
everyone’s been nostalgic lately. i am no exception. ive been listening to this youtubers videos and it puts me back to that time when i was a child hopeful that magic was real and there was a possibility i could go to Narnia or be Posiedon’s daughter or go on an adventure to save the world. imagination and ideas were so plentiful back then. the hope was real and now i seem to have left it in the past. growing up to survive in the “real world”. having adult issues and sobering situations. growing up an only child, with my dad encouraging my imagination i had the whole world at my feet. the wonders of new discoveries and comforts of new friends was so, so so much more different than today. i always thought id travel the world and experience new places and cultures. i thought id backpack it or live and travel out of my car to go on adventures of a lifetime. i had hoped to meet someone on my travels and eventually have a nice house with friends to invite over and children to raise and have adventures with. i guess when you're smaller and everything is new in such a big world, you're more susceptible to hope for a fantastic life and future full of wonder. sometimes i feel remnants of that feeling, but its become far and few between now. “adulting” and living in the “real” world has put a damper on things. when before my world was full of colors so bright and beautiful is now faded and dull with a hint of sunlight every so often. id definitely say that as much as ive tried to not let this world shrink my heart and child hopes, ive lost. my heart tore so many times that ive got a “chip on my shoulder”. one is especially trust. you cant trust anyone. NOBODY. to trust is to confirm hurt and betrayal. i slowly started to learn that theres really only one person you can trust: yourself. of course i learned too late that my father was one i could trust. after he died i realized i took him for granted. i thought our time together would be so much longer that it was. thankfully he left me with my one and only best friend and fiance. the only other person i can trust. and even then somewhere inside me, i expect him to betray that trust. even with that he has helped me heal. the broken heart i had, is now only scars and bits of my childhood hope has come back. i just hope that i can get closer to my childhood hope again. this time with a companion to accompany me on our adventures.
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7/26/2021
today i received flowers for my birthday! its not my birthday today but i lied on facbok when i first opened an account and never corrected it. they were a surprise from my exboyfriend’s family. it was sweet. also i didn't come on here to write about it, but WE GOT ENGAGED! that's right! EXboyfriend now fiance! he proposed to me at a scenic spot by the cliffs of a beach! and it was beautiful! he actually proposed to me last month on the 15th. its a perfect date that he chose intentionally, knowing i like specific dates. it was nice. we ate at CPK beforehand and had the worst server ever. but it was funny because another server stepped in to help us. anyway afterward, we drove to the cliffs and as i was facing the waves he had gotten down on one knee and as i turned to make a joke about farting, i stood in shock repeating “no way” in an excited-cant-believe-its-finally-happening type way. before my eyes instantly started tearing up, i was able to take a picture of the moment in my mind to keep forever. his eyes and face held hope excitement and the most love ive ever seen on someone. and that love was for me. something i never thought was possible. im sure he wanted to say more but he himself was excited. i cried waterfalls as i nodded yes to him and hugged him. at first i wasn't sure what to do next but put the ring on my finger. which, lemme tell ya, it sparkled in the sun like fairy dust shaped into a glittering gold and moissanite sunflower. my favorite flower of all time. everything was so nice the only thing that dampened the mood was the realization that i couldn't call my dad and tell him the happy news that hes wanted to hear since we had started dating 4 years ago. anyway i know Fiance doesn't like talking about wedding stuff as it is “a woman's sort of thing” so i told him to let me know when hes ready to discuss the wedding and date and all that it entails we can talk about it. he agreed. well its been over a month now and we still haven't discussed the wedding. not even a date or a location. and to top that off as of today it has been about 3 weeks since we last had intimacy. im both excited for our future yet stuck in the same old stuff just now without intimacy. i dont think this is going to lead to disaster, but it definitely isnt an ideal situation.
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