speakingupforyourself

[speakingupforyourself]

Trigger warning

In 2010, I got into a relation with someone who I knew since our teenage years , it all started off well, we were like the best of friends, going out together, doing things together, holidaying together whenever possible, I was warmly welcomed by his family, and it all seemed in place, until I got my first Alarm, after 2 years of being in the relationship, I found out I was being cheated on. There were unpleasant flirting messages to a girl who he had known as a kid apparently, who is now presently working as an alcohol analyst in Bangalore, through those messages I figured I was lied to on so many occasions saying he was at work while he met this girl behind my back. He even told this girl he missed her so much that he came back from shows cos of her. After confrontation the sorry happened but there was no reason or explanation given as to y he did something like that to me. It was then we had our very first argument in 2 years of us dating. I asked for a reason and the only answer I got was “I DO NOT KNOW WHY I DID IT, BUT I AM SORRY”. The naive person in me thought forgiveness is the key in any relation so he was forgiven and we continued. Few years later my second alarm rang, after having caught the exchange of unpleasant messages between him and many other girls, and realising they were busy meeting each other while I was told” I AM BUSY AT WORK I CANT TALK NOW”. He started getting possessive about his phone, if it rang when I was near it, he would run towards it, if it beeped when I was at the side of him, the screen would be faced towards him as if to hide it, I kept wondering what did he need to hide if he said he was being faithful to me?! His reply would be “I don’t touch ur phone so don’t bother about mine.” Once after returning home from a late night show, I had learnt that he was at a club again on the pretext of work ( or may be even genuinely working as he is a sound engineer by profession with one of Mumbai’s leading sound company) I just asked him how is it that he was so busy, that he din have time to revert to my messages or calls and his reply was, “I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO CALL ANYONE, SO CHILL”. Somehow that answer did not convince me, so I took his phone drew a pattern and to my luck when it unlocked, i see multiple calls to diff women, his work as well , and as soon as he saw me with his phone in my hand, pinned me down and kept punching my face while saying “TERI MAA KI C***T”, he kept choking my neck, I fought back and walked out of his house wanting to drag him to the cops at that very moment, and again I fell for his crocodile tears and the false begging asking for forgiveness, thinking that I was responsible for his actions as he kept blaming me for making him a violent person and that he was never like this before dating me. He always said he is a loving and warm person and I brought out the worse in him. Unfortunately I became susceptible to depression and anxiety where I wanted to give up on everything and everyone around me including myself, and the only person I turned for help was HIM. He kept blaming me for all his actions , he kept blaming me for anything that he did wrong and when the time came for a confrontation, he would always tell me, I need peace , just leave me alone, or would call our friends and tell them to handle me. His work is his everything .. his path of escape mainly. he even promised to stand by me, saying he would come along to the councillor and I landed up visiting them alone, again his excuse was work. My third Alarm rang , when we were about to be engaged. YES!! After all these alarms I was still considering living my whole life with him . For almost 2 years his father would flash himself when I was around, he would stare at my legs , my chest and I kept thinking to myself , is he zoning out ? as he sufferers with seizures, so much so to the extent one fine day, when I was at his place his father took the liberty to come and sleep near me on the same bed, so close to my face and looking straight at me . I stormed off again from that house promising never to enter again , and again I was made to believe that I would be supported and stood for. After multiple efforts of even having confronted his father, considering he his suffering from his own depression, as his wife left him for another man, he belted out saying it’s his house he could do anything he wanted. My ex knew exactly what I had been through in my childhood of being molested on many occasions by a relative. And he was the only one who knew it . It ached me to keep quite all these years and here again I had to keep quite for this man a stranger who I treated as my father. when I told my ex , I could take him and his father to the cops for physical and sexual assault, his words were “Jaa re , what would u have done to me or my father ?“ and in that moment of him questioning my dignity I slapped him. i would always try and console myself that his father, May be he din mean to do it to me , and that his wife leaving him was the cause of his behaviour ,but he did it when I was around and that itself should have been enough for me to stand up for myself and take immediate actions, and I did not . When I wanted to make things right myself, He would tell me to back off and tell me it’s his father and that he would handle it the way he wants to. So again I foolishly trusted him, but the only solution he left me with , was to deal with it without any real solution. Cause he was busy at WORK doing sound at one of India’s billionaires daughters wedding. This made me more agitated and I was turning into a mess, while he said he was busy at work like all the times in so many years of us dating, this was the final straw for me. I finally took the decision of ending a 8 and 1/2 year relation and saving myself from the traumatic phase of another depression. And to me it seemed he was absolutely ok with it. Our close friends, my family still tried to speak to him to try and make things work but he was so adamant, his ego got into the way and he kept telling me, you wanna leave leave I will never stop you, and I thought to myself, if someone can let go off me for their own mistakes they’ve made, for someone who couldn’t support me when I needed the support, for someone who cheated on me , then why do I need this person in my life ?? he couldn’t digest that this time it was me who stepped back after multiple efforts all these years, he did not know what excuse to give, so he kept telling everyone HE DID NOT WANT THIS RELATION COS I WAS SUICIDAL AND I DID NOT RESPECT HIS PARENTS for calling his mother a slut and his father a wanker Yes my anger got the worse out if me, but now I had tolerated enough. He chose to not tell anyone what he had ever said or done to me, but told everyone just a one side story. His parents especially his mother has normalised his behaviour on so many occasions, she’s made him lie to his own father about her extra marital affairs, and he was ok doing it and facing his father with a lie everyday, the bruise marks he left Me, was shown to her on a text msg and till today she hasn’t even replied to me. No confrontation whatsoever! All of this just made me realise what a mess I was in and what a mess I was making myself by staying and fighting for a relation that was never valued. Staying with people who did not value each other in their own homes. The same values were being passed on from his mother to him and the same effect of being tortured, was happening to me what his father was going through because of them. My biggest lesson learnt is , people will come into ur lives , welcome them but when u see signs so clearly , give them one chance only, not multiple chances with the hope that things will change or become better , the way people are bought up , the way their parents live their lives, if u see it reflecting it in theirs walk away sooner. Yes people do have messed up lives, but everyone has the choice of making it better, and if they do not want to , be brave and strong to keep them at bay. When people do wrong things to u and try to cover Upon their acts and pin point at ur mistakes alone trying to blame u for it ,walk away from them. When u feel mentally drained cut off from people who drain u and take care of urself. Don’t depend on anyone to help you esp not those who put You through it. Such people themselves have a mental problem, but they are not taught to accept it, hence he refused to go to a councillor with me for himself as well. Always remember prayers and family will save you all the way. God is mightier and He has his plans for you. Trust his ways, and forgive the ones who hurt you COs they definitely don’t know what they do. They do not have a conscience.