sparkleofthesoul

[sparkleofthesoul]

This week I’ve been struggling a lot with self worth and feeling unlovable, or so more I’m starting to figure out my mental health more and why I behave and think the way that I do.

I’m not sure what (if anything) or at what point I started to feel like this whether it’s stemmed from my childhood or something else. When I think about the sort of person I would want to be with, I feel as though there out of reach because I am not as good as the person I want. I wouldn’t be able to wrap my head around what qualities they see in me and what I have thats special that the next 5 girls don’t have, why me? Why choose me? Will I find someone that wants to take the time to get to know me fully as a person and still love me for who i am?

Half the time I’m closed off because I’ve started to come to terms with the possibility I may not be worthy of being truely loved and that while I realise this may be the reality of it, it makes me sad. I don’t want to go through our life without experiencing real love, what’s the point in that. However maybe I’m not meant to have a romantic love, but to love others and make peoples lives around me better.

I am proud of the progress I have over the last year but still feel like I have so far to go and occasionally freak out that I’m not on the right path, I’m just doing what society expects from me and going through the mundane motions of adult life and other peoples views on progression and success. Am I making a difference, do I have purpose? Am I doing what makes me happy?

These thoughts that often go through my head makes me feel like I could quite possibly be fucking nuts and I wonder if other people think about these things as much as I do and feel like they don’t fit in a lot of the time too. I feel like these is but I have a hard time finding as connecting with like minded people that would think similarly to this.

[sparkleofthesoul]

As I get older I’m starting to notice that I’m spending more time reflecting on myself and how far I’ve come and what I want in life. I’m proud that I am getting more in tune with myself and who I am as a person and what values I carry.

This week I’ve been all over the place mentally, I’ve had days where everything is perfect and I’m so satisfied with my life then I’ve had days where I’m so anxious that I can’t walk or stand up in one spot because my legs feel so heavy I feel like I’m going to fall over and my chest is so tight I can’t breathe properly, I’m worrying about small things things or something I can’t even put in finger on. I feel as though it’s because I am growing into the next level of my life and that it may be uncomfortable. I usually take these sort of things with a grain of salt but I decided to do my cards which I do only about twice a year and was surprised by how much they supported how I had been feeling and thinking recently, it kind of told me to keep pushing through and that it will worth it. Change and growth are uncomfortable, you have to learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

The last 6 months I have become so nuch more intuitive to myself and realigning who I am as a person. I’m aware that I’m still effective and manipulated by society and social media so it’s always good to take a step back so you can continue to grow as a person.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the sort of people that are positive influences in my life and the sort of people I want to have in my life and I know thrive of being the least knowledgeable person in a room and realising that it’s a opportunity to learn and grow.

I still have so much growing to do as a person and don’t feel as though I’m ready or deservent to attract the sort of love and qualities I’m a partner that I want. To have that connection with someone that only adds value and happiness to your life and vice versa.

Since moving I’m excited to have like minded people in my life that are on there own journeys of self discovery and growth and looking deeper into themselves to ask questions like why you feel certain way in certain situations or understanding how you react to things.

I wonder a lot of souls and the connections of souls to each other whether it be in friendships, relationships or family aspects of life.

I am a lot more uncertain with aspects of myself because I know I’m capable of so much more and less concerned with other people, follow the crowd, worried to stand out with different opinions and thoughts.

We’re the first generation to be this in tune with ourselves and aware with the realisation that life is about so much more than society’s expectations of success.

I still struggle a lot with attachment to people, I hold so much value to people that have been in my life for a long time or that I have once been dear to me that I try and keep the connection going for longer than is beneficial to both parties.

I used to think that people if they care, should stick by you no matter what. However over the last few years I have started learning that you can’t hold onto people, you can make them stay and you can’t stop them from changing and you can’t stop from changing and growing.

Both people and situations comes into your life for a reason, lesson or period of time and you need to appreciate the time that they/it is in your life and when it is time for you to move on you can understand that is for a purpose.

Seizing opportunities to better myself/life have helped me out myself first and not do something or stay somewhere to keep someone in my life and disadvantage myself to become mentality and spiritually strong and free. Now I feel eventually liberated when I outgrow people or let go of toxic relationships and grateful that they have served there purpose in my life and that I was lucky to have them in my life at all.

I’m 2018 I move to another state after becoming back in my home town for 5 years, I never intended to be there for that long that I but stuck and couldn’t see outside of the bubble that was were I was living. I had a good cruisy job, lived 5 minutes from work with my best friend, I have a good fun good of friends that we used to go out and drink together regularly and I was satisfied with being short sighted for the time being. I wished I haven’t taken so long to move but maybe I needed that time there for a reason. I always knew eventually that I would have good things and a fulfilled life. I decided to leave my first relationships of 5 years because at 22 I felt as though we wanted different things in life and that our ideas of the future were so different.

When I finally moved I was in $20,000 debt, lived 30 mins away from the few people I did know there, had a crappy retail job with people I didn’t click with and was still processing some heart ache which stopped me from being open to meeting anyone new. It fucking sucked and my already exisiting anxiety and depression come out to play in full swing stopping me from going out in social situations, withdrawing as a person and lost the fun/happy side of myself.

After almost a year I got presented with a opportunity to get into a new career in a industry I was interested in and had been unable to get into previously, I decided just as I was starting to settle in to where I was to again move into state and seize the opportunity I had been presented with, which meant moving to a city I knew I was going to be thrive in and not living or regularly seeing my American staffy for a year. I knew that period of time wouldn’t be great that I thought it was a good opportunity to change the different of my life and pay off some debt quicker.

That was last year and it was tougher then what I had prepared for, I lived with 2 girls that were nice enough but different to me. Moving into a living space with people when they have already been living there for an extended period of time is never going to feel like your home. I spent a lot of time in my room watching movies because I didn’t have many friends or money to do things as I was paying off as much debt as I could while I was there. I put on weight and my skin broke out and I just wasn’t happy as much I was trying to put on a brave face. As soon as I left Sydney I started feeling like myself again and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I decided when I moved to be open to opportunity and say yes to new things. I recently heard someone say that you will rarely regret seizing an opportunity but you will always wonder what if, if you don’t. If people new people invite you out you could have the best time and make lifelong friends and if not you can just go home but if you decide not to go you’ll never know what you may have missed out on.

When I was younger I was angry, I didn’t listen to other people’s opinions and would start arguments with people because I thought I knew it all at the age of 23. I knew I had a strong voice but I didn’t know how to express it or convey reasoning behind my opinions. I couldn’t express my emotions in a positive, constructive way and would either withdraw or get angry when I was upset. This is something I am still learning but have come a long way from where I used to be.

Now I thrive on having deep conversations or discussions with people and am interested to understand there point of view and why they have it. A lot of my opinions and way that I saw things were what I have been conditioned to think from different variables in life and it is only when you start to learn about other peoples experiences can you start to actually form your individual opinion about things.