songfortheasking

[songfortheasking]

“I woke up this morning in a suspiciously good mood. After an especially anxious, blue-tinted couple of months, I’m surprised and delighted to remember that I’m capable of feeling this way. Just because. Before I talk myself out of it, before I plug back into the news cycle and the memeification of modern warfare, before my anxiety hunts me down again, I wanted to come here and say that I woke up this morning with joy at the forefront of my mind. And I deserve to feel good. It doesn’t have to be earned. My value is inherent and I’m affirming that right now. Which is to say: You deserve to feel good. Your joy doesn’t have to be earned. Your value is inherent. If, like me, you’re wading through the muck of your own mind, struggling to remember what “good” even feels like, I hope this message is a reminder that you’re far from alone. Hang in there as best you can. And if you’re debating reaching out to someone you trust for support, err on the side of reaching out. (It’s what you’d want your loved ones to do if they were in your situation, right? Right.)”

[songfortheasking]

have always loved this poem (this isn’t the whole thing)

What the Living Do, Marie Howe

[songfortheasking]

I wish I was real-sick. Not fake-sick. Like always.

[songfortheasking]

wow I can’t do this anymore

#so tired #def not approaching the situation with optimism and hope #are there any real doctors here

[songfortheasking]

[songfortheasking]

Maria Concejo Iwankowicz

[songfortheasking]

I think I’m finally emotionally unstable enough for my first tattoo 👀

[songfortheasking]

oh lol forgot to mention I was fired a month ago, for things clearly related to depression/ADHD. But if you think that allows you to access appropriate and intensive treatment… nope!

I have this irrational fear of running into my old dietitian in [grocery store], either here where I live or when I’m in [other town where main tx center is] to get spravato.

at first I thought it was bc of, you know, the obvious, food stuff… but actually I think it’s bc I would burst into tears in public bc… I am desperate for something that might keep me alive?? or something? (I keep coming back to how this person was the first to tell 16 yo me, straight up, that I was being emotionally abused, and of course I couldn’t grasp it then, but maybe I almost do now but maybe it’s too late?)

also I’m scared to leave the house because, you know, a parking garage one way, a ravine the other way, a busy street around the corner. so does that mean hospital? and what would that even mean, take 9?

there is NOTHING here. apparently only TWO hospitals in this fairly large state are in network. only ONE is doing ect. I hate it all.

(also I was going to take a community college class but despite having lived here most of my life I am not a resident??? so it would have been crazy expensive. but now I have nothing to do!!)

[songfortheasking]

I have this irrational fear of running into my old dietitian in [grocery store], either here where I live or when I’m in [other town where main tx center is] to get spravato.

at first I thought it was bc of, you know, the obvious, food stuff… but actually I think it’s bc I would burst into tears in public bc… I am desperate for something that might keep me alive?? or something? (I keep coming back to how this person was the first to tell 16 yo me, straight up, that I was being emotionally abused, and of course I couldn’t grasp it then, but maybe I almost do now but maybe it’s too late?)

also I’m scared to leave the house because, you know, a parking garage one way, a ravine the other way, a busy street around the corner. so does that mean hospital? and what would that even mean, take 9?

there is NOTHING here. apparently only TWO hospitals in this fairly large state are in network. only ONE is doing ect. I hate it all.

(also I was going to take a community college class but despite having lived here most of my life I am not a resident??? so it would have been crazy expensive. but now I have nothing to do!!)

#screaming into the void

[songfortheasking]

so exhausted. SO exhausted. turns out nearly every hospital in the state is out of network. not sure it’s worth going to the psych er an hour away bc it’s not clear if I would be admitted. so many intakes, people who say they want to help, happy to jot down the details of my trauma but unable (unwilling?) to actually help.

the “high risk” program at the academic medical center won’t take me because… I am doing spravato, which they consider a “substance,” despite it being given in the same office, and also what the fuck kind of high risk program excludes substance use???

the “high risk” high-tech insurance app wants me to upload 10 pictures that make me want to live, and have I heard of a wellness recovery action plan???

do I want ect? again? not sure I have any other options? go out of town for treatment? residential? pho with housing? maybe hill center or pathlight? or give up, give in? I’m so, so tired.

#Ritalin PLEASE

[songfortheasking]

(via Wishes for Peace - YouTube)

“what kind of revolution would it be if all the people in the world could sit downin a big circle and eat together. come alive mary does laugh; and she sings and runs and wears bright orange, come come alive."

#corita kent

[songfortheasking]

also I think… part of this is jealousy that my partner, who also has a chronic condition but only “acquired” it earlier this year HAS MEDICATIONS THAT WORK but apparently that’s too much to ask, better spend a fuckton of time/money/effort and put up with years of distress just for NO RELIEF and be told it’s your fault and your attitude!!!

spravato isn’t working… but what did I really expect? I hope I’m not stupid enough to think it’d really work. I’m just doing it bc my partner wants me to. Just adding to the pile of treatments/programs/meds/hospitals/etc. that have done hot fucking nothing.

A little improvement after 1-2 sessions (56 mg each) but then it all kind of went back to zero. and the frustration and hopelessness just feed into even worse si. I’m terrified the clinic and/or insurance will pull the rug out from under me, so I don’t know if I should be honest with the random psychiatrist dude who like tries to talk to me in the middle of the session??? and why bother with the hospital, take up a bed, when everyone tells me there’s nothing they can do? in 5 days I’ll still be… me. and why bother with ect again, if I even qualify?

So scared. This hopelessness, dead-end-ness, plus the mountains of work I have coming up that I don’t even know I could handle if I was doing “well.”

I just want to know why! why has none of it worked? what am I doing wrong? I feel like I would give anything, do anything, to be better. but haven’t I, already? the time, the leaves, side effects, money, pride, family?? what’s so wrong with me that everything that’s supposed to help… doesn’t?

[songfortheasking]

[songfortheasking]

if there's anything tumblr has taught me it's that this guy named franz kafka was in agony 365 days a year

[songfortheasking]

spravato isn’t working… but what did I really expect? I hope I’m not stupid enough to think it’d really work. I’m just doing it bc my partner wants me to. Just adding to the pile of treatments/programs/meds/hospitals/etc. that have done hot fucking nothing.

A little improvement after 1-2 sessions (56 mg each) but then it all kind of went back to zero. and the frustration and hopelessness just feed into even worse si. I’m terrified the clinic and/or insurance will pull the rug out from under me, so I don’t know if I should be honest with the random psychiatrist dude who like tries to talk to me in the middle of the session??? and why bother with the hospital, take up a bed, when everyone tells me there’s nothing they can do? in 5 days I’ll still be… me. and why bother with ect again, if I even qualify?

So scared. This hopelessness, dead-end-ness, plus the mountains of work I have coming up that I don’t even know I could handle if I was doing “well.”

I just want to know why! why has none of it worked? what am I doing wrong? I feel like I would give anything, do anything, to be better. but haven’t I, already? the time, the leaves, side effects, money, pride, family?? what’s so wrong with me that everything that’s supposed to help… doesn’t?

#the void

[songfortheasking]

When I have had to tell someone that an illness has returned or progressed despite treatment, however — a cancer recurrence, for example — it has been, on average, much harder. With a relapse, everything is different. The return of an illness is a tacit confirmation that previous efforts to vanquish it were unsuccessful. People feel misled, betrayed, heartbroken, depleted. Their bodies have already been through a lot. Just staying alert to all the things that illness demands of you, within the constraints it imposes on your life, is profoundly exhausting. Expert opinions about what to do next diverge as you get further from first-line, algorithmic treatment protocols. Goals shift, from eradicating disease to learning to live with it.

Facing omicron feels like when a patient has relapsed - The Washington Post

#gahhhhh

[songfortheasking]

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