somethingbreaking

[somethingbreaking]

rmr how Back In The Day a family would share one computer and there was that log in screen w all the users on windows xp? i just remembered that in like 2006/2007 i made my user icon some emo icon (i can’t rmr what it said but i know it was something to do with death or suicide, said in a quirky ‘i eated it’ way if you know what i mean) and instead of my family being like “hey maybe we should check up on the mental health of this 12 year old” my dad told my mom to tell me that it was upsetting him and i need to change it lmfao

#i rly need to make some sorta account somewhere that i feel comfortable talking on but for now i need to say this somewhere #where my mom won't see it and get upset bc she follows my twitter lmfao #anyway i'm still like. HOW did no one in my life check up on me #i was literally talking about suicide and really fuckin morbid and scary shit non-stop #and like. blatantly refusing food constantly and a lot of other fucked up behaviour #but literally every adult was just like 'who fuckin cares' i guess???? jesus christ

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my sister always goes off on people who are dismissive of anxiety disorders but the second i’m anxious about anything she acts like i’m being a rude whiny baby LMFAO ok

#i've told her so many times that talking about drugs still makes me anxious..... #but i should just 'not listen' to her when i'm literally sitting 20 cm away. OK #ig she thinks i'm judging her but like it literally gives me anxiety so. ugh

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it’ll never stop being hilarious/horrible when ppl are like “omg you’ve lost so much weight??? what’s your secret???” and u just have to awkwardly laugh bc the secret is Not Eating

#thought i wasn't gonna use this blog but once again i'm w family and no where to vent #and my sister won't stop talking about food and hfjkhsakjfhdkah ughhhhh :(((( #i'm gonna try to enjoy myself despite this nonsense but it's really really hard #eating disorder cw

[somethingbreaking]

so uh i talked to my mom abt ed stuff again and. idk i’ll probably regret it but i really felt like ~~living a lie~~ and no one irl knowing was killing me. it went better this time i think but she pulled the whole “i gained a lot of weight when i was pregnant with you” thing again and i just. i know she’s trying to relate to me and she’s struggled with a lot of weight issues but. it’s just like this has nothing to do w my situation... not to mention that her constantly talking about her weight and diets and that exact pregnancy weight gain story when i was growing up really did a number on me. but whatever, it was better than last time when she assumed that my problem w eating was bingeing so i guess that’s good. and i feel less like i’m lying to everyone i know now so. that’s good?

#i feel like i'll tell my sister at some point but idk there's such a pressure w people knowing #like they'll scrutinize my eating when we go on vacation together and either way i won't win #bc if i eat normally they'll be like 'oh she was lying' and if i don't they'll be worried :\\\ #UGH idk idk. i also wanna tell my best friend too but it's like IT'S A LOT and i feel like i'm burdening people #but i am really really struggling on my own so.. ugh idk

[somethingbreaking]

tw number mentions

absolutely spectacular how bad gaining 4 lbs can make me feel

#and like i KNOW weight isn't an indicator of fat and it must be something else #bc there's no way i gained 4 lbs of fat back in 4 days w/ only 100 more calories a day #but i still feel terrible!!!! incredible!!!!! #back down we goooo #i just feel so bad bc of my doctor's appt yesterday too and like hfjkdashfk just. bad!!!!!!

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me four months ago: ugh my doctor doesn’t take my ed relapse seriously bc i’m overweight, i wish she would :///

my doctor now: is extremely alarmed at my weight loss and tells me that if i continue losing weight she’s going to make me attend an outpatient or inpatient ed clinic

me:

#four months ago me was so stupid for telling her djdhsvabzghd #i gotta tell ya fam. i refuse to get help for this and stop losing weight it just. its not happenin!!! #so. A Dilemma. #turns out ppl actually taking your ed seriously sucks ass and i was dumb af for wanting that #like yeah validation but at what cost!!!! #eating disorder cw

[somethingbreaking]

i’m already in a Weird mood this morning bc these pants that were tight on me not 4 months ago are loose now and i have a doctors appt and my doctor, despite knowing about my past ed and relapse, consistently compliments my weight loss so i’m anticipating the mixed, fucked up emotions from that

and then i go to take a bookmark out of a random book that i never finished reading and this is what it is

BYEEEEE lmfao. the universe is really. somethin huh

#calories cw #book depository WHAT YALL DOIN

[somethingbreaking]

me: ups my calorie intake and purposefully eats more high fat high protein food to slow down my weight loss

my weight loss: slows down

me:

#really driving home just how much i wanna be sick #i know in the long run this'll be better but fhjdkhgjksafhsajkdhfkdgka feels bad rn!!!!!!!!!! #ugh i'll try to stick it out for a week at least #eating disorder cw #calories cw #weight cw

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ugh i don’t even know why i care this much. i’m always going to hate my body, no matter what it looks like. i’m always going to hate who i am, inside and out. i’ll never be happy or desirable or loved and i need to accept that and stop pretending that one day things will be better or that any of this makes a difference

#yeah i really need a therapist but i'm past my limit of trying to deal with the non-existent mental health care system here

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also PLEASE unfollow if you find yourself triggered by the stuff i’m talking about, esp. if you think it might make you relapse or develop this garbage. honestly, you don’t need to listen to me complaining if the result is that it’ll jeopardize your health & wellbeing, literally no hard feelings at all

#i didn't expect to only be talking about ed stuff but here we are :\ #i was actually gonna post about something else today but it was. A Lot and i honestly didn't have the time to get into my own head about it

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tw weight number mention. also this is very ed mindset sorry 

it is absolutely ABSURD how preoccupied i am with this now fjksdhafkjs like i wanna cry every time i think about it and i’ve been thinking about it constantly. obviously so much about an ed is having control and not being able to control this..... Terrible. Extremely Terrible feeling. i’m gonna start doing some things to prevent it, including upping my intake AGAIN (kill me) to try and slow the weight loss down. i’d much rather that it take me like 4 or more months to lose 30 lbs than do that in 2 months (which is the rate i’ve been goin) and make myself even grosser lmfao.

so....i’m doing all i can with what i have and i just need to hope for the best. and if the universe once again thwarts me i guess surgery is always an option :\\\

ALSO absolutely losing my mind that this is what it took for me to try to be healthier. literally all of the “healthy” things that i’ve implemented in the past few months have come from an incredibly disordered place (ie. drinking more water to lose weight, exercising to lose weight, cutting out white carbs to lose weight etc etc etc) and that. fuckin sucks my dudes

well in other fun news i’ve developed an intense dread of having loose skin from weight loss. literally can’t stop thinking about it and i’m terrified that it’s gonna happen to me fhjkdasfks UGH

#like there's no point in worrying about it bc i'm taking measures now and what will be will be

[somethingbreaking]

well in other fun news i’ve developed an intense dread of having loose skin from weight loss. literally can’t stop thinking about it and i’m terrified that it’s gonna happen to me fhjkdasfks UGH

#p much the only advice on how to prevent it is 'be young have good genes and lose weight slowly' #the second two are out the window so i guess i just have to rely on my age fjkhafskf #if it happens i really don't know what i'm gonna do. just die i guess #although if i do notice it i suppose i could up my intake AGAIN just to slow it down and hopefully give my skin some time to catch up? idk #weight cw #eating disorder cw #i promise i'll talk about something other than my ed on this blog one day lmao

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it’s really fucked up how much society has brainwashed us to associate thinness with happiness. i look at old pictures of myself, when i was thin (like i was never underweight but i was quite skinny, like i’m talking 65-ish lbs ago lol), and i KNOW that i was unhappy at that weight. i literally have the memories in my brain of being unendingly miserable and confused, mentally ill as fuck, and filled with self-hatred. even though i was small. i can physically read the endless diary entries talking about how much i hated my body and needed to lose more weight. and despite all that i’m STILL like “i wish i was her again because then i’d happy”

#granted there were a lot of positive things about being thin like mostly about actually being able to shop in clothing stores #and not having to deal with other ppl's fatphobia #AND i haven't been asked on a date or called hot or had anyone romantically interested in me since gaining weight #so i do want those things back but also a part of me really thinks it'll make me happy and love myself when i KNOW that it didn't back then #really makes this eating disorder even more fuckin stupid #i see ppl who have always been big thinking they'll be happy when they're thin and that makes sense bc they truly don't know #but i DO know that it doesn't work like that and i still think it. amazing #eating disorder cw #weight cw

[somethingbreaking]

this is dumb but. i miss not eating

#and by that i mean eating only very little #bc i really could not get away w fasting while at home #tw self harm for tags!!!! #it's kinda like cutting like it feeling good makes literally zero sense!!!! logically you KNOW that pain and hunger are bad #but it straight up doesn't feel bad at all #anyway going home was so so so bad for me in this respect like i really was doing pretty well at the beginning of december #now being full feels unbearable again :-( #but i know i can get used to it again and i will #eating disorder cw

[somethingbreaking]

my new years resolution (and like it has been my resolution since about november but w/e calling it a new years resolution has More Power) has been to eat **** calories a day, mostly bc my metabolism is already shot to shit and i know going into starvation mode makes it worse so

anyway it feels impossibly difficult. like. how the ever loving fuck did i ever overeat or even just eat enough it feels like my stomach can only hold 2 peas in it now and like i’m just CONSTANTLY eating all day and i still have to cram some higher calorie stuff in right before i go to bed because i’m still not hitting the number. it just. it makes no sense!!!!! i probably used to eat this amount in like 2 meals before. it’s also really scary because it just feels like i’m wildly overeating, like i’m never hungry now and it’s just. i logically Know i’m still at a low amount a day and i’ll still lose weight but it really really does not feel like it like AT ALL

tomorrow when i go grocery shopping i’m gonna try to get some more high calorie stuff like nuts and peanut butter and avocados so that’ll hopefully make it easier. but i just can’t get over how hard it is to eat this much when 1) it isn’t that much and 2) it used to be (like only 5 months ago!!) absolutely no problem at all for me

#eating disorder cw #calorie cw #sorry this probably makes no sense without saying the numbers but i really don't wanna mention it both for myself and others

[somethingbreaking]

tw calorie numbers

as much as counting calories is awful, being home and not being able to do it (bc it’s too conspicuous and like impossible to do accurately when eating out/eating food made by others) was so so much worse. my dumb ass would eat like one sushi roll w just cucumber in it and be like that was 100 calories right? better round it up to 200 to be safe. and judging from how fuckin hungry i was the entire time i was for sure not eating enough (bc on my current safe calorie intake i p much never go to bed super hungry)

tl;dr not counting calories makes me undereat a lot more so as much as it’s hell to be back at my apartment and back on my bullshit it really is much safer. i don’t think that as long as i’m in this mindset that i can stop counting calories

#idk what i'm trying to say here lmfao for years i've been the biggest adversary of counting calories #and i'm definitely not for it now it's just when your logical thinking flies out the window it's nice to have actual facts to rely on #like you always feel like you're eating too much when your brain is Like This and it's important for me to have an app that's like #bitch you're not eating enough shove some more food in your mouth #calorie cw #eating disorder cw

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me trying not to think or care about how many calories i drank last night because i’m not tryna bring this bullshit into the new year but it’s also all i can think about

#logic: ONE night of going over your limit won't make a huge difference #my brain: ok but i definitely gained 5000000 lbs #honestly i'm gonna try really hard not to do any compensatory bs #eating a burrito rn babey!! v proud of myself #also sorry jungkook lmfao it's just. that's The Mood #calorie cw #eating disorder cw #alcohol cw