somephilosophercat

[somephilosophercat]

Nothing

I don't even know what to write. They are all on their beautiful little vacations and they left me all alone. There are only self harm and anxiolitics in abundance. And it's not helping a bit. In time they are back not one piece of me will be alive. It will all be dead and gone. With just a shell. It's been so long since it was this bad. I was supposed to go on a vacation in three weeks but I don't think I will. I don't even know what I thought. Who am I that I even deserve that. Just spending money for being dead on different place. I really want to go, but reason more not to. I am nothing. I am already dead.

#01/05/24

[somephilosophercat]

Here is a little of my sunshine. He was so silly at our photoshoot :)

Please gimme all the cat pics, cute distractions, silly distractions, everything.

I cannot stop crying the minute my mind is free, and it's ruining my fucking voice, and I have a huge final band rehearsal tomorrow.

#Cobi

[somephilosophercat]

Interesting

I had interesting convo with T today. Well, as she left for the rest of the year to live at shore there was a post announcing that on offical facebook page of the practice. Mostly because it means she is only available online or for the people in the place she is now. So.. I am looking at that post for a while and everyone is just so annoyingly supportive and happy for her. So I commented to T that everyone is so morally good and annoying and that I am the only gross one and that I don't understand are the rest of her clients happy that she is gone.. I actually expected different answer but the one she gave me is that I am the only one voicing it out. And I just keep thinking about it whole day and I just don't get it 🤷‍♀️ what is with those people? I have a need to have a meeting with everyone and say "look guys, if I am example of expressing emotions WE ARE NOT doing a good job!". Good dammit I am surely the most messed up out there. Or people just don't take it so personally?? When I thought about writing this I figured out that haven't I had this community maybe I would also be afraid to feel all those feelings because I would thought that I am the only one. So in a big way this community helped me a bunch. To just be myself. I know there is not right or wrong way to respond to therapist leaving but to me it just seems wierd. Probably because a lot of people in the community struggles with vacations or absence of therapist.

Anyway, just a midnight thought.

#20/04/24

[somephilosophercat]

Little better

It is a little better with my second therapist. And I can feel a lot of energy consumed in anger and pain lifting and like I am able to channel it somewhere different.

We already had two sessions since she is back but only talked about it for like 10 minutes total. But even those 10 minutes brought a huge relief. The first session sent me spiraling even more into despair and pain as we spent it just catching up and talking about how much EVERYTHING changed since she left. I knew she needs to know the details so she could grasp how bad things are but when I realised that are only 10 minutes left and she didn't even want to help me with talking about anger everything in me just shut down completely. Because there are so much feelings and I couldn't stand to carry it for who knows how much longer. But it was only 10 minutes left and it was pointless to begin. So I become completely unresponsive and she only tried to see can I get home safely and she let me go. I left with such a huge dread of probably never seeing her again. Because we weren't able to set up another session and I knew that is my responsibility and I just didn't know can I reach out and send that message.

In the end I did send messege asking did she even care anymore, and she said yes and asked me the same. And I did managed to put something in words there and we agreed to write things down and to bring it next time. Ever since writing everything down feelings calmed down a bit. So the second session started and we talked about something happening day before which had so much to work on, and time again passed and another 10 minutes left and I become lost again. But since everything was written down she agreed to read it. I just hide because giving her something so vulnerable at that time seemed so scary. But everything she did say after reading it kinda eased the pain. She insisted that I think through do I want to continue but just said that she is not giving up on me and that she had such a hard time reading everything because she didn't mean to cause so much pain. She said other things and even though it wasn't the long talk it helped alot. And her gentle touch just calmed things down in my body.

I don't want to end therapy with her even though I thought about it. And even though I thought she wanted it. But I wouldn't tried to communicate so hard had I wanted her to go. I think there is still much of repair left to do but there is also so much good things I am trying not to forget.

#18/04/24

[somephilosophercat]

Hurt

I am so so hurt right now. And it's all my fault. Like T is gone for the year, even if I see her this year in person it will be one time thing. And other therapist is still not back. After two months of this intense hurt I felt with her I sent her a message and just got back that she told me she won't be in therapeutic work. And I am not completely crazy, I know that. And when I saw that I can't get anything out of our quick interactions I just stopped trying, stop saying anything but boiled for myself. But at that time I was angry and could hardly wait for her to come back. But she promised that we will have a quick call just to chatch up and she totally forgot. And I even get that but.. she shouldn't have said that if she didn't mean it and when she saw she can't she should have just told me, not letting me to fry and letting my anger explode in anticipation. She never did that. And this week my anger just washed away into apathy. I am not sure I can get over this. Maybe the most because she doesn't understand how fragile this space is for me and that I wouldn't been mad in first place had I not cared alot.

But she doesn't want to understand and it is my fault and my faulty expectations even for her. So it must be me. All the hurt I feel is just me not fitting into this world and me not deserving to be here. I just wish T never saved me. There wasn't a single time in these 3.5 years that I felt good about me still being alive. I wish she had let me leave.

#04/04/2024

[somephilosophercat]

Hate holidays

I had to clean my apartment yesterday as my mom was supposed to drive me back from hometown. I spent so much time and energy but managed to make such a good improvement. Mom of course had complaints but good thing she knows nothing about how things were.

I just didn't want to go to sleep yesterday because I didn't really want to go have lunch with her and brother do I went to sleep super late, and even forgot to set my alarm but cats woke me up so I managed to catch a train with calling a taxi. But I am dead tired today all day. I am back at my place already but mom decided to stay for the night. Without asking or agreeing with me, actually. I knew it might happen and I was okejish with the option, kinda better then my brother driving me, but.... I went to have dinner really long after l had lunch with two of them and she was stuffed and her comment was "you got a little chubby, how much do you weight?" I refused to answer but she asked a couple of more times. She asked more because she wanted to compare with me. It got me at a really bad place, I guess she didn't learn one thing from my diagnosis and she doesn't even care. She could learn something in daily program for ed but she chose not to. After that I really want her to go home but I can't tell her that. I already had such a hard day with food since I was super hungry in morning after sleeping so little. And she made me eat cake after breakfast just because she wanted to try it. So by the lunch time I was already struggling to eat more. I just hate myself so much and I hate holidays and I hate my family.

I do have endocrinology appointment in two weeks to see what is going on with weight because I don't think it is normal. I even started counting calories just to see realisticly what is going on. It's a really bad thing for recovery and it could easily go wrong.

So this comment was a really badly timed.

#31/03/24

[somephilosophercat]

Sunny

It's was a nice sunny day and I did spent sometime outside. I was near one beautiful green park at my town so I bought myself an ice cream and went for a walk/rest. It was nice and sunny but not too warm. It was kinda relaxing to watch the duck swim. I didn't do wonders and I am utterly exhausted now but it was nice to go there in work day when there are less people. Otherwise I did almost completely nothing to clean apartment 🤷‍♀️

#25/03/24

[somephilosophercat]

Drained

Well everything sucks. At least my head sucks. It's a sunny day outside but it doesn't really reach me. I am off my meds completely for 3 weeks now. I have been at appointment with my psychiatrist and he is not thrilled but he won't push me. We agreed to leave basic amount of meds in my chart so if I decide to drink it again I can access it. But I told him that I want to see what is going to happen without it. Because I was already so bad before stopping it. And something is wrong with my metabolism and body. I am exhausted and cannot concentrate or work, my cycle is completely off and my weight is abnormal. So maybe losing meds will help with adjusting some things. I have been drinking antidepressants for a 5 years now and we finally did find something that works but I still feel shity. I should really do some more appointments but I just don't want to. Because everyone keeps ignoring things I feel the hardest. Also I don't have much noticeable withdrawal symptoms but I do have brain zaps. They are not the worst but they are still anoying. I struggled to explain what is the thing I am feeling and then I found out brain zaps are very often while getting off antidepressants fast. Because I just cut it out.

After almost two years of being back to work and all the ups and downs I talked with my bosses and manage to get myself a paid week off to try to reset. I didn't go to details with them but the main boss promised me two years ago when we talked that if I am on verge of breaking that I can get some time off. I haven't used it by now but I just couldn't go on. Even though I did the task I had, but I was constantly on egde of my mind and nerves. One thing I am afraid off is that even after this week I just won't be any better. And I have to go back.

I am terrible financially because I need food and shopping to calm me down. And my apartment is a total mess, but I am trying to do some small things. But even by my standards it's pigsty. I am putting my hopes in this break to be able to sort it out a little because two weekend days are just barely enough to recuperate afted work week so I hope I will have some will to do some more small stuff.

Anyway.. only one inperson session left with T. I am completely broken about it. And the "best" part about it is that I have to go back in hometown for Easter to "celebrate" with my mom and brother next weekend and neither T or I (other therapist) are back in days after that catastrophe so I have to deal with it alone.

I just know something is awfully wrong with me and nobody listen or can do anything about it. Perfect..

Oh, and this cute boy celebrated a big eight birthday last week! He is just such a kind and beautiful boy. I love him so much 🥰🥳

#24/03/24

[somephilosophercat]

Basically me this whole year

[somephilosophercat]

Abandoned

I was fairly fine for some time. Maybe not good but like more stable. But it's worse and worse. I just don't care enough to even drink my meds, I can't keep up with cleaning my home, I am struggling with my weight so much and even cats are too much. Luckily one foster get adopted after I even asked for him to be switch to another carer so it's easier with only Cobi and one foster. But I just feel like nothing is worth it and that nothing make sense. I was supposed to keep my sleep schedule because it gets really dark with lack of sleep but once again I am awake and on my phone because its too bad in my head to put phone down and sleep. So it's dark when I don't sleep and now I don't sleep because it's too dark. Never ending story.

Also my second therapist is absent for a month now and will be for another month and T is leaving in couple of weeks also, to another city she went last year and which is far away. I just don't know can I handle T leaving this time. She promised that she will be back and that she is not gone for good but that she cannot promise in advance when she will be back. And that she will be back here and then and I am not okey with it. It means that the regular thing is online sessions and extraordinary event will be in person session. That suck so so much. And I feel no comfort in having my other therapist back in a month because she is not very good with cry baby, and she can't handle it or handle me having a very hard time. I just feel completely alone and empty and abandoned...

#09/03/24

[somephilosophercat]

Absent

I haven't post anything in a long while. But I am still here somewhere. Just not regularly. Can't believe it's new year already, and January almost already gone.

I am okejish, nothing special but that also mean not being specially bad. I just live day by day, trying to survive work week and doing therapy and resting and stuff. I need a few days of vacation soon, just to move away from job a bit. The job is not terrible, it's a bit quieter period but still enough to do. I started to go into office more regularly and colleagues are nice, we joke and work and the time is passing. But I am completely drained after work with energy and social batteries.

Cobi is good, his health after surgery and some rough spots last year is stable and he is soon 8 years old. Time flies so quickly and that only makes me scared for him. Other foster cats are still here even though I marked that if someone doesn't get adopted in two months I will ask for someone to take one cat. I am little overwhelmed and would like to hang out only with Cobi for a while.

I wanna go riding soon, haven't been since beginning of December. Also I put dance on pause and I think is a good decision. But my ED is not amused by lack of exercise so I started walking a bit more lately. But not exclusively becuse ED, I just need some form of moving.

And that's it. Tomorrow is another work day and everything is passing so quickly and I am just tired.

#28/01/24 #Cobi

[somephilosophercat]

🤗🌹🧡

🐱💚🌸

[somephilosophercat]

Ride

I had a beautiful snowy horse ride yesterday. And cold of course. The mare listened to me and we worked really nicely and made a lot in an hour. One of my legs went numb at the end of the ride, I think I put pressure on some nerve as it was only one leg, and it took quite long after I moved my leg out of the stirrup as we cooled down to go back to normal. I liked the ride even though I don't know when I will be able to go again.

#10/12/23

[somephilosophercat]

Riding

I had riding again yesterday. And it was a good one for a change. I have been really frustrated with myself because horses don't listen to me and yesterday wasn't 100% accomplished but it was good enough to have a normal ride. I actually spend a good amount of time there, walking horses on foot and caring for them before and after the ride and it was a time well spent. I was really tired afterwards and have sore muscles but it was nice. I think I still don't understand how to communicate clearly with horses, probably because my emotions are not very clear but I will keep trying and learning.

On the other hand I am not doing well with dance. I have been just a couple of times in month and a half and I even though it was great last time I am just so unmotivated. I don't know why. Maybe time of the day when I have no energy left, maybe something different. I don't know. But I feel very sad because of it.

I don't know. I am not at very light place. Even though I somehow past through a day and it's not all dark. But I still don't see the point. It just hard, and I am very antisocial at this point. Can't really handle any socialisation. And I think I have a lot af anger, maybe not anger, I don't feel it like that, feel more like resentment and impatience.

Here are some photos. It was very very calming and nice.

#20/11/23

[somephilosophercat]

Not doing well

I don't know why, but I am just not okey. I was working from home today but I mostly slept through the morning. I just couldn't, I felt so bad. But I did manage to do half of a job done. Even though it's not great. There is so much self hate and anger on myself but there is not much concrete reasoning behind. Even Cobi knew I wasn't well today. He came and climb on top of me and sat and we cuddled. He doesn't do that often and on the contrary he didn't want to come near me when I was sick last few weeks. My guess is because coughing really bothered him. Luckily tomorrow is holiday so no work but I do have therapy, just not with T. I already feel so empty with her gone. I am so not feeling well enough to do body oriented therapy tomorrow, just want to say no to everything.

I think I managed to cover my debt from last month and that I will end the month with balance around zero. That is good even though I was being so careful with money and then something just struck me and I spent too much. Next month won't be any easier because I start to pay off my mortage. I am so not ready for it.

I just hate being "out of ed", being out of restriction. I can't handle myself looking like this. I am disgusting and I don't know how people can stand looking at me or being next to me.

#31/10/23

[somephilosophercat]

Therapy

In the end I did have in person therapy. T agreed that I come and I was so happy. This time and time before we talked alot about one of my friends which really brings alot in me. Little me, one unable to stand up for myself. It was triggered by her commenting that part of my hair which is green (the back, underneath layer) was disgusting because it remands her of the dead body that has been drown. I just can't, I don't think that is normal comment and how can you say that my hair is disgusting in any way. But for her is just honesty and uncensored talk. I immediately start justifying that I will cut it anyway soon, but when I did a lot of green hair stayed so I kinda panicked. But I actually like my green part. I wouldn't put it on my hair if I didn't. So it's shitty thing to say as a friend.

But I was more happy showing T pictures of my childhood home. I screenshoted it back in July but didn't know how to share and what I wanted with it. It was nice to share that part because it's huge part of my life even though I haven't been in it for 6-7 years. My dad lives there now alone even it is big big house. But it's how he wants it.

Now it starts a countdown to T returning in a month and even though I know it will pass and I have another therapist I am so so sad she is gone. I just want to talk to her.

Anyway I am feeling better and not so sick anymore but I stayed working from home today because I just didn't want to wash my hair. And this big foster girl is kinda attached to me all day long. So clingy but cute. I had to move pillow because she insisted on coming at that place.

#26/10/23

[somephilosophercat]

Sick

I have been sick for three weeks now off and on. I am tired of it. Everything started as very sore throat, then unable to swallow without pain, high temperature so doctor said it was a strep throat and gave me some antibiotics. But after 5 days I was better so he said it's okey not to continue. But then like 24h hours after stopping antibiotics soreness returned. So I did another 5 days of antibiotics. Then it was peace for 4 days and then all over again, this time without high temperature. So I went to doctor and he said it seems viral this time so no meds only waiting to pass. I know it possible but I don't think it is very likely that in 3 weeks I got an bacterial and virus infection, it seems like a streach. But today I could finally swallow easier but I started to cough pretty much.

I did remove myself from work office and I am working from home but tommorow is last therapy before T goes to longer vacation and I really really wanted it to be in person. For now she said it is okey for me to come but with this cough I am not sure is it smart to go. I am sad, I really really want to go in person but as I sent her in message I am really afraid that she would hate me if I infect her.

Oh and I am so so close to getting everything done in terms of buying this apartment. Just waiting for the court to sign me in the books. It's quite an unexpected journey. And also so much less money to spend now.

#25/10/23