somebodysomewhere98765

[somebodysomewhere98765]

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What am I? Who am I? Why did it have to be like this? Why is it all anyone sees? I am more than the body I am trapped in. I wouldn't say nobody understands. I'm sure there are people out there who do. But the ones I need to, will never understand. It is simply what it is. Fate. It can never change. Regardless of how much I try to convince myself, I must accept that they will never understand, they never had to experience it. If they did, they wouldn't have done what they did. However, that is no excuse, to not have tried at the least, not after all the crying, begging and humiliation I suffered, for you to not have so much as spared a glance at my tear stained face. The stinging, the pain of the untold story; of the daughter I never could be, but tried with every bit of my being to be, and the son you could never accept. The heart wants what it wants. And it simply wants to be accepted. The price I would pay for acceptance is outrageous. But during my measly years on this earth I have understood, you can never truly put one on it. The survival of the fittest is no joke. It is very much reality; mine and yours. They say, difference is never celebrated, But I object, for it is, only so long as it is of the acceptable kind, the useful sort. I'm no writer, nor do I express any form of interest in this medium. But I really do not know; how else to convey these emotions I feel, nor anyone who would express enough interest to lend an ear and grasp the point of origin of my thoughts without deviating. But I cannot blame them. If I wasn't the way I am, I wonder, if I would be the same way, no different than the rest. If I weren't different, perhaps I wouldn't have been trapped inside a flesh prison, screaming, crying, scratching the walls aimlessly, but constantly begging, no, hoping for someone to hear me and let me out. Its pointless; everybody knows. And I should too. But something inside me, stops me, tells me: "just a little longer". I can't help wonder, how much more, before my knees give out, before my nailbeds bleed, before I simply cannot take it any longer, and give in to the desolate, but inviting, darkness. If I rip my own heart out with my bare hands and place it on a platter and hand it over to them, will they let me out then? I ask this question despite knowing the answer, for I had already done it ages ago. When I was still a hopeful, mindless fool. The present isn't much different, I'm nothing more than an absolute moron, who knows exactly what happens to the likes of me, but dares dream of the future.

Its a miracle I've survived so far, for I'm definitely not the fittest; a mere bottom feeder. I tell you, loneliness is a powerful drug. Once u get used to it, u cannot let go. It wraps over you like a cozy blanket, sort of like a shield, protecting u from reality. I don't say harsh reality, as reality in itself is cruel and doesn't need to be separately described as such. For every time I experience a glimmer; of hope, of relief, of expectance, it is so forcefully, cruelly, mercilessly snatched away from me, before I could so much as look at it. Lest appreciate, or indulge myself in it even temporarily, just for a moment. So instead, I find myself indulged beyond understanding, inside my head, where I'm loved, cared for, desired, accepted, for who I am. Fulfilled, and content with how I am. Not mocked, laughed at or taunted for what I am. All I feel is a safe, warm, cozy rug wrapping around me, making me forget the consequences I must suffer for a 'sin' I never wanted nor intended to commit. But, alas, I was judged by the jury of life itself. Following the constitution of the world, rewarded with a verdict so hateful, and a punishment I must undergo and cannot escape. But you must know: there, inside, lives a prince, dancing, to a sweet melody with not a care in the world, he moves his hand along to the rhythm of the sweet musical notes, dressed in finery, with jewels adoring his neck, extending to his bare chest. He mouths out the words of the song: "the heart wants what it wants" while moving in sync with the music, as lively as a wave hitting a rocky shore. An ethereal sight, bewitching anybody and everybody who could so much as steal a glimpse. Visible are the scars on his chest, but he dances away, as carefree as one could be, in the pouring rain. The raindrops stain his face giving the illusion of tears as he smiles.

#lgbt #transgender