so-bad-its-good

[so-bad-its-good]

Fateful Findings (2007)

NEIL BREEN

      Watching a Neil Breen movie is like helplessly watching a train crash and then burst into flames, and then hearing a bunch of people unconvincingly scream in agony. Neil Breen is a former real-estate agent and architect, who is now a filmmaker. He is known for editing, writing, directing and starring in his self-produced films, notable ones being I am Here …. Now, Double Down and the film in question: Fateful Findings. Fateful Findings is considered a cult film and, like all of Neil Breen’s films, is infamous for being completely terrible. I don’t mean just plain bad, I mean so spectacularly and hilariously bad that people are reluctant to believe that he is serious. Bad movies gain mass followings because they are both amusing and extremely sincere. It is somehow charming when a film tries so hard, yet still fails in every way, and Neil Breen’s third movie Fateful Findings is a perfect example of this.

BRIEF SUMMARY

      Potential viewer be warned: 7 people commit suicide and 2 are murdered in this film. It all begins when Dylan and Leah, two nine year olds who are best friends, discover a magical mushroom that turns into a magical box containing a magical black stone. When Leah’s family moves away, Dylan vows to always carry the stone as a reminder of their “magical day”. Flash forward and Dylan (Neil Breen) is in his 40s, a successful author, and unhappily married to Emily (Klara Landrat). When Dylan is hit by a car and comatose, he is mysteriously saved by his magic stone - which he seriously still carries after 32 years. Dylan’s recovery from his coma is miraculously quick, but he begins experiencing pain and strange dreams as a result of his head injury. This prompts his decision to no longer work on his second book, but to instead hack the government in an attempt to expose their secrets and lies to the public - because that’s the obvious thing for a man with no apparent computer knowledge to do. Throughout the film, Dylan talks to therapists, throws some get togethers and ceaselessly abuses his five laptops during fits of pain and rage. And then there are Dylan and Emily’s friends: another unhappily married couple consisting of Amy (Victoria Viveiros) and Jim (David Silva). Jim is an alcoholic who loves his sports car, and Amy is a banker with fake breasts who no longer wants to be intimate with her husband. Jim’s teenage daughter Aly (Danielle Andrade) just won’t stop propositioning Dylan, despite his being more than twice her age and distinctly unattractive. Later, Aly witnesses Amy accidentally shooting Jim directly in the chest, though she was only trying to shoot his car, which was at least a meter away from him, but this doesn’t really matter since Jim’s death in no way affects the following events in the film. The story moves somewhere completely different when Dylan reconnects with his childhood love, Leah (Jennifer Autry). They both admit to thinking about each other every day since they were nine - which is quite odd - and fall back in love. This would be a problem seeing as Dylan is married and Leah is engaged, but no need to worry, Emily promptly overdoses on painkillers and Leah leaves her fiance. Dylan and Leah reminisce about their childhood - something they are clearly unhealthily longing for -  and revisit the magical box. Next, because clearly there isn’t enough happening, Leah gets kidnapped and Dylan saves her by using his magical ability of dematerializing. The film comes to a close with Dylan exposing the government and corporations, and all of the people he exposes subsequently killing themselves in a variety of brutal ways. The audience is left with a feeling of what-the-hell-did-I-just-watch and the command to: “Act now. It’s our only hope for the future.”

PLOT

      It would be a stretch to say that this movie has one clear plot. It is half scenes from a  low-budget 90s porno and half scenes from a twelve year old’s sci-fi fan fiction. The beginning leads us to expect that this will be some children’s film about a magical box. Once we flash forward to present day, we realize that this is a sci-fi disaster that we are about to observe. Honestly, the running plot of Dylan’s magical stone and powers is unnecessary and confusing. Other than being a feeble attempt to make this film interesting, this plot line might serve the purpose of making Dylan super-human, or perhaps it exists to ensure that Dylan and Leah shared something unique that would help them reconnect later in the film. No matter the reasoning, this plot has absolutely nothing to do with the message of the film. As the movie progresses there are aspects of this plotline that we expect to be explained later on, but of course they never are.

      Also, there’s the seemingly unnecessary plot line involving family friends Jim and Amy. It is emphasized that Jim is an alcoholic and his way-too-attractive-for-him wife is fed up with him, resulting in her throwing various things at him throughout the film (a pillow, a roll of paper towel, a drink, and a glass). Oh yeah, and she eventually shoots him. When Jim dies, it seems like the audience is supposed to feel sad, but none of Dylan and Jim’s supposed meaningful friendship has been shown to us and Neil Breen’s acting certainly doesn’t help to evoke sadness. I don’t think this plot contributes to the overall message of the film, unless of course I’m overthinking this and the central theme is death - there is a plethora of that.

      Dylan and Emily also have a failing marriage, and she is addicted to drugs. She eventually kills herself while Dylan is off reminiscing with Leah and awkwardly closed-mouth kissing her. When Dylan discovers his wife has committed suicide, he is only briefly fazed, then replaces her with Leah. This begs the question of whether Emily’s character was necessary to the plot whatsoever since she’s just thrown aside in a matter of minutes. This part also made the protagonist come off as a pretty terrible person, which is odd since he’s otherwise portrayed as very heroic and in-the-right. Perhaps this was done intentionally to highlight that the protagonist has flaws, or maybe it was because Neil Breen wanted to be naked with and/or closed mouth kissing as many women as possible - who can know?

      The plot line that is highlighted the least is the only one relevant to the message. I’m referring to the plot following Dylan’s hacking into the government. This plot is mentioned maybe five times throughout the entire film, yet it is the only thing imperative to the climax and the message. Dylan mentions periodically that he is hacking the government, despite having no explanation for his hacking abilities, to expose “national and international corruption”. This plot leads to the climax of the film, when corporate and government officials kill themselves after Dylan exposes their “lying”, “corruption” and “greed”. This part of the film seemed gruesome and had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the film, but it is made extremely clear what the message of the film is because Dylan flat out tells us in this scene. This plot line seemed meaningful and the message seemed very important to Neil Breen, but it really stuck out among the sea of irrelevant and unnecessary storylines. Having four plots definitely ensures that you never get bored because there’s so much happening, but when a story is this all over the place nothing is really happening.

ACTING

      This is a film that not only tests your ability to suspend disbelief because of a convoluted sci-fi plot, but because it seems like the actors are actually actively trying to make you not believe them. This is best demonstrated by Neil Breen, who plays the protagonist, Dylan. At the beginning of the film, you may notice that the actor playing young Dylan is decidedly unimpressive, but to the audience’s dismay, the man playing him all grown up makes that child actor look like an Oscar winner. Neil Breen is so incapable of conveying any emotion, that it’s lucky the script has characters clearly state how they are feeling so they don’t have to be inconvenienced with actually having to act. The only thing that is harder to believe than his terrible acting is that it’s not intentional. Neil Breen showed me that there is something hilarious and disheartening about an actor eating a salad unconvincingly.

      As for the supporting cast, I can only think that Neil Breen must cast friends or friends of friends. While I know the script was in no way conducive to good performances, the supporting cast only fed the fire of this trainwreck. Jennifer Autry, who plays Dylan’s love interest Leah gave an underwhelming performance, with unsure deliveries and ill-fitting facial expressions. Not to mention her being cast makes no sense, as she is supposed to be in her mid-40’s and looks like she’s 30. The arguments between Victoria Viveiros and David Silva as Amy and Jim were entirely overacted. Meanwhile, Klara Landrat performed every scene like she was a bored Urban Outfitters employee. Additionally, as Jim and Amy’s daughter, Danielle Andrade’s attempts at being a flirtatious and distressed teen were forced and, quite frankly, embarrassing. The storyline is extremely dramatic, but these actors performances managed to evoke nothing but amusement and disbelief on every level.

CREATIVE ELEMENTS

     There were many choices made during the production of this movie that contributed to making this film so ridiculously awful. The music and most of the sets were adequate - that’s the only positive thing I have to say on the subject. The editing was completely disorienting. The cuts at the dinner party, and literally every other time there were multiple people in a scene, made me physically uncomfortable and entirely unable to follow the scene. Then there were the camera angles. We saw everything from shots from the chest down - at least we were spared the actors’ facial expressions - to unironic crash zooms. It all seemed without reason.

      Another notable element was the special effects. The sound effects were either too loud or made no sense with the scene, for example when the background noise made it sound like there were twice as many people at Dylan and Emily’s barbecue. The visual effects were even worse. I laughed out loud every time I saw that cartoonish smoke effect blow across the screen, telling us that something magical was about to happen. Another appallingly hilarious moment was when objects were supposed to be mysteriously moving, but we could see the string!

      The attempts at symbolism throughout this film are either above the audience’s head or very unclear - I expect the majority of viewers side with the latter. There are the dramatic dream cutaways to Neil Breen naked with Aly, Jim’s teenage daughter,  in front of a wall covered in garbage bags, which in no way relates to the plot, but is extremely off-putting to watch. And the most obvious symbolism of Dylan’s two therapists, one of whom he sits across a long table from and one of whom he sits in a small broom closet with. I understand that the first therapist offered him medication and was distant, while the second one knew his secrets and offered him encouragement, but then the second therapist disappears into thin air at the end of the film, and I don’t see the relevance of any of this to the plot. I will give dishonourable mentions to the outdated props and costumes that really reinforced that 90s porno vibe. I don’t know why these decisions were made, but they sure were awful and they sure were funny.

CONCLUSION

      I must say that I have the utmost respect for anyone who pursues a creative project. I think that what makes this film almost lovable is that you can feel Neil Breen’s passion throughout the whole thing. While I admire him for his passion, I also blame him for this absolute trainwreck of a film - he is the one to blame because he did almost everything: from casting to special effects makeup, to craft services. I do think that the writing was the downfall of the film, but it was more than bad lines and a lack of clear plot. It was the atrocious acting, the confusing symbolism, and the ineffective editing and directing. Everything from the first second to the six thousandth added up to a truly horrendous film. Fateful Findings failed on almost every level and in no way achieved its purpose of motivating audiences to act against governments and corporations. It was so bad I almost couldn’t believe it: I was cringing and cry laughing at the absurdity of every aspect of this film. Fateful Findings possesses every attribute of a film so laughable that it’s laughable. Is it the poorest excuse for a film I’ve ever seen? Yes, it is. Have I watched it four times in the past month? Yes, I have. To quote the film, “I feel like something’s inside me” and it’s the bad movie bug.

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