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genuine question, is it selfish that i help people and am kind because i want them to have a good memory of me?

I read this ask this morning, and spent a lot of today thinking about it.

I think the mere idea of what is selfish has been turned on it's head as of late. In a western society- one predominately engulfed in individualism, you'd think that selfishness would not be as vilified as it is. But then I started to really think, and ask myself, is it actually vilified at all? Or should I say, is the "real" selfishness vilified. The one that follows the definition of the word; lacking considering for others, prioritizing your pleasure over anything else.

And I think that question, is where I start to feel immense grief over your ask.

Because the "real" kind of selfishness, while obvious, while clearly causing disruption, and literally being the downfall of the country I currently live in, is unfazing. It's become so integrated into our individualistic society that we have to chose a "new" selfishness to vilify so that we may pretend we do not partake in the other one.

And what better "selfishness" is there to vilify in an individualistic society then wanting others to feel good? Now, the idea of selfishness can be used for the individualistic, and against the community. We fear doing good upon others out of selfishness, we fear others doing good upon us for the same reason- and everyone remains separated, constantly monitoring ourselves and everyone around us instead of looking at the real issue. The real selfishness.

And that is how someone like you feels guilt, for wishing your presence to be one of goodness - for the memory of you to be something that helps someone drift comfortably to sleep, or a story of a loved friend.

Wanting others to feel happiness, to have good memories of you is not selfish. Because that want in the first place comes from the emotional fulfillment of considering and cherishing the people around us. To want to have people remember us fondly, is to want to succeed in impacting their life positively.

That is not selfish my friend, that is beautiful.

#asksniff

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she is my work assistant and she receives employee benefits (head scratches)

#snifferish

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i stay quiet, i get told i'm not doing enough

i speak up, i get told i'm putting my voice in drama where its not needed, even if the "drama" is my own situation and my own feelings

i do not understand how to navigate this internet anymore

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update mb im zonked I’ll review these over coffee tomorrow !!

my dudes I am feeling wise and insightful, if anyone would like to grace my inbox with questions, a need for vague advice, etc, I will answer at my own discretion and to the best of my ability

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my dudes I am feeling wise and insightful, if anyone would like to grace my inbox with questions, a need for vague advice, etc, I will answer at my own discretion and to the best of my ability

#snifferish #asksniff

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Hey, so I don't watch your stuff, but I've been reading through your posts, and you seem like a very creative and nice person. The way you talk about issues in your community seems very mature, and honestly, while I don't know you personally, the person you project onto the internet is someone I certainly admire. In response to your post about people commenting on your looks, you should know that you're very pretty. Maybe this sounds weird, but I looked up pictures of you, and you look really cute in glasses.

what if I sobbedddd, this is so kind, thank u

#asksniff

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The beginning of a magical journey.

It's technically a fanart of the last scene of the first episode but let's just say it was where it started.

The video is so cool and I absolutely love their storytelling, the builds, just everything!!!!!

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Free bisexual sex

speak your truth friend

#asksniff #yeah

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In the creator space, everything feels very-looks centric, and I guess it’s not even a feeling since I’ve had people commenting on my looks since I was 17.

Stuff like this makes it really hard when I’m dealing with mental / physical health issues and suddenly gaining weight. My immediate reaction is worry, that it will quite literally affect my job because of how my appearance is tied to it.

Butttt… that’s a very unhealthy mindset, and I often think about how I wouldn’t have been that mindset if it hadn’t been passed to me by other people. It’s self-perpetuating.

So I guess this is me just saying, yup, I look like what I look like, I work out to the best of my ability, and I eat to fuel my body. I want to try to post more of how I am, and not just a curated appearance. I don’t want to pass down this mindset that has infected me my entire life. Especially when the world profits off my insecurity.

Anyways, that’s my little ramble ig, appreciate y’all :) sorry if this is a bit odd of a topic, I’ve just been thinking about some stuff recently.

#snifferish

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I know he already deleted his tweet, but I do feel the need to touch base on a few things:

Firstly, I didn’t give Luke permission to post what he did. I don’t believe it was necessary to identify Dream in this conversation, because that is private drama but since Luke has so graciously name-dropped him, I can confirm that we were involved at one point and that when I confided in him about that night, he told me to keep quiet about it. I don’t want to go into the details that Luke shared because he has no idea what happened between Dream and I. Also, I don’t believe they are public concerns so I will leave it at that.

Please do not let his pitiful attempt at deflection distract you from the fact that he admitted to having sex with me when I was blackout drunk. He might have skillfully downplayed it and apologized for “any damage [he] may have caused”, but he still admitted it. He also vividly described intimate details about me without my consent, which felt extremely violating.

This includes:

How I “initiated” sex while I was blacked out, an experience I have no recollection of and no way of verifying, while at the same time implying that we were both in the same state of consciousness.

Implying that I regularly sleep with little clothes on in order to frame my confusion the following morning as trivial. 

Details about exchanging private photos with a third party before I even met him.

Speculations and details about Dream and I that he has no way of knowing. Any non-platonic involvement happened either when we were on a break or after our relationship ended.

Again, he shared all of this information WITHOUT my consent. He didn’t attempt to contact me to ask if it was okay to share this or even inform me he was doing it.

Consent and boundaries are concepts he and the people he chose to surround himself with seem to struggle with. I really hope this is the last time I have to talk about him publicly but with his constant yapping I fear I do not know. Don’t let this distract you from Caiti, Lexie, Shelby, and all other victims that have spoken out against these cretins.

Okay bye

-Andi

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Never in my life did I think that re-tweeting resources for SA, and supporting victims would be considered problematic or performative.

I should not have to bare this, but I'm going to tell just one of my stories, because I need you to understand where I'm coming from. TW // Sexual Harassment

--

When I was 15, I had my wisdom teeth removed. I wanted to avoid using the pain medication they prescribed. I struggle a lot with sensory issues, medications and substances made it worse.

However, my surgery was for impacted teeth, and only two days in one of my stitches fell out. I was in so much pain, and couldn't eat solids w/ out pain for up to three weeks.

So, a week into my recovery, one of my friends invites me to their house. They were having our friend group over, it was just a little bonfire get together kinda thing. I took my pain meds a few hours prior, and only half a dose, but I was out of it to some degree, and somehow still in pain.

I was sitting on a lawn chair outside, when one of my close friends came over and asked to sit on my lap. Honestly, I said yes at first, because this was my childhood friend, someone I trusted, and I thought our relationship was incredibly platonic. Then he started to shift/grind about in my lap, and I started to feel things of theirs I did not want to. They made a noise that deeply unsettled me, and I told him to get off, they didn't. It was only when I told them that he accidently triggered the emergency call shortcut on my phone (it was in the pocket of the lawn chair, yes they were moving that much and I was moving trying to push him off) that he finally got up.

I was bewildered, and a bit confused, and also embarrassed that my phone nearly called 911. I claimed I wasn't feeling well, and went home early.

That was the first time someone touched me in a remotely sexual way, but I didn't dare to label it until I talked to my therapist. It made me dwell on a lot of experiences with this person as well. How obsessed they were with being taller than me, how often they'd grab me and force me to see if they were stronger than me. At the time, I was in a friend group of predominately non-men, and they were all friends with this person.

However, when I told them about this, when I expressed the discomfort it brought me. I was brushed off. "He's just like that!" oh "He probably didn't mean it" etc.

I didn't feel comfortable in the same room as this person. My friends would continue to invite them to hang outs. One of my other friends told everyone about what happened without my permission. I started having breakdowns in my classes with him. I had panic attacks all the time. I felt as if I had to continue this façade of being nice to him, or else I would lose my friends of years and years.

I was happy when covid started, because for the first time I had breathing room, but by then so much of my trust was dismantled.

Due to my friends association with this person, and the fact that not being their friend excluded me. I eventually got over it, and told myself I'd grown past it.

Three months ago, this same person admitted to me they hold extreme grudges against me, that they projected their "mommy issues" on to me, and quite literally said the words, "Yeah yeah, you're a woman who's outspoken and challenged me and that bothers me yeah yeah." in regards to that. They said it with sarcasm, like it was something they knew, and their mother was reminding them for the 12th time.

--

I bring this all up, not to make you feel guilty, but to discuss the harm of not supporting victims, not listening to them. It puts them in a position of isolation, and in a position to potentially be hurt again.

So yeah, I'm gonna be a little upset when people say I'm being "performative" about supporting victims of sexual harassment and SA. I'm not doing this because it benefits me, in fact it's caused a lot of backlash, horrible dms, and very triggering memories.

I'm doing it because I was once not heard, and i've sat with Caiti behind the scenes for months watching her lose passion for something she loved (content creation).

I didn't do this because I'm secretly sniveling behind the scenes tapping my fingers praying on peoples downfall. I'm not a Disney villain dude lmfao.

Honestly, this narrative that is being pushed, that people are doing it "because it benefits them" is quite ironic, considering most of the people talked about within the last 72 hours were under Wilbur's weird ass apology doing just that.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate how people are okay with this narrative, the misogynist undertones of it. I've seen people admit that they didn't like me or my friends the entire time, while simultaneously "calling us out" about this, so I ask you,

Are you calling us? Because it benefits your motives? Your feelings?

#snifferish #tw sa mention

[snifferish]

My experience with Luke (Punz)

CW: toxic relationship, racism, dubious consent

I know in the past i said that i would no longer speak about him publicly, and when talking about my experiences with abuse and emotional mistreatment i begged to keep it anonymous but after reflecting on this for a week and seeing so many incredibly smart and strong women tell their stories. they have given me the strength to say his name.

this is really scary to talk about because of the copious levels of harassment i have received from his fans in the past so if this spreads or gets out of hand i will simply log off.

If you read my last post, i nicknamed him 1.

So aside from everything i said there, there were a lot of things i didn’t include because they would’ve made it obvious that it was him and it could potentially backfire on me so, i’m very afraid to post this. but i’m going to do it scared anyway, because it’s not fair that he gets to just go and live his life worry-free as if he didn’t practically ruin mine.

Because I already made a very lengthy post about him, i won’t include everything i said last time to avoid being redundant but if i repeat myself, please bear with me.

In our year long relationship i had to endure emotional neglect, gaslighting, verbal abuse, one instance where there was dubious consent, and much more.

Starting off at the beginning of our relationship, that’s when i was getting copious amounts of hate and harassment from his fan base (warranted or not), he decided that our relationship must be kept private. he said it was to “protect” me from his fanbase when in reality it was to protect himself. it was so he wouldn’t get all the backlash i was getting. this is funny because one of the things i got called out for was saying the B slur (derogatory term used against mexicans/latinos). I won’t get into the nuances of if i could say it or not as a puertorican because that’s discourse that does not pertain to this specific situation. But you know who definitely can’t say it? A white boy from Massachusetts. When i was getting cancelled for this and getting thousands of tweets calling me names, he decided that was the perfect time to say “I mean you are a b***** aren’t you? my little b*****.” Now, he said this completely unprompted. I was in the process of writing my apology and he just said that. I tell you this because i immediately shut him down and told him that there was no universe in which it was okay for him to say that word and especially not one where he could just call me that. While i was reprimanding him, he was smiling and laughing. he apparently found it amusing to call me a slur. regardless, he gave me a half-assed apology and said he wouldn’t do it again. and he didn’t. but this wasn’t the only time he was weirdly racist to me. this was my first time being in an interracial relationship so i was led to believe that this was normal by all the white people around me at the time. But, sometimes my spanish accent would come out and he would make fun of me and the way i pronounced some words. He also refused to visit me in Puerto Rico when i lived there or come meet my family when i really wanted him to because he “didn’t like the heat” or “it’s dangerous there isn’t it?”. Once, while we were watching season 2 of Bridgerton, he implied that the Sharma sisters were “too dark” for him to be attracted to them. This hurt me because they are brown skinned girls. I am a brown skinned girl. Then this, combined with the fact that he told me once he wasn’t attracted to me made me feel like my skin color was unattractive. These are only a few examples i can think of at the moment, but i’m sure there were more. Our relationship ended in 2022 so some of my memory is a bit hazy. But, I do remember feeling inferior to him throughout the relationship because he was white and I was not. I chalk that up to all the micro aggressions i had to deal with because i had never felt that way around white people before.

Another thing i had to endure was him constantly making me feel like he was embarrassed to be with me. Because i was cancelled, he didn’t want to associate with me too much. He did defend me on multiple occasions, I’ll give him that. But, he only did it because his name was getting dragged in the mud along with mine. Excusing my actions made him look better for being around me. In reality he didn’t really care. Because he was such a big content creator and someone i looked up to professionally, I took his advice as law. He told me to tone down my personality, to keep a low profile, to change things about myself to be more palatable to his audience. The same audience that spoke about me like “The pussy can’t be that good punz please stop defending her”. So i changed a lot of things about myself and my content to better suit what his audience liked. He made me feel like if his audience liked me, he would be public about our relationship and stop hiding it. He told me the reason why he wanted to keep our relationship a secret was because he didn’t want to get hate for it. But this wasn’t true. On my 20th birthday he went to Las Vegas for a twitch rivals event. That night i asked to facetime him to say goodnight and he refused because he was at a hotel room with his friends and he didn’t want them to know that we were together. It was as if my mere presence or the utterance of my name was a source of embarrassment for him. And he didn’t let me forget it. It wasn’t just a public thing at that point. He didn’t want people to know we were together, period. This was devastating to me because I would talk to all my friends about him. I was so proud to be with him and I was just one more problem to him. He made me feel so small and insignificant just because his fans didn’t like me.

He would berate me a lot. Not just due to getting heat online, although he did do that a lot. But in general whenever we would get into an argument or a disagreement he would always call me names like annoying or weird or stupid. He would raise his voice at me if i did something he didn’t like and call me an idiot. And that really hurt, i felt like i couldn’t bring up anything or do anything without getting insulted. If I hadn’t seen him in a few days because he was too busy streaming and i asked to hang out he would call me needy, clingy, and annoying. Granted, he might not have been wrong, but that is not something you say to someone you claim to love. He also insulted me when i was in depressive episodes. I have BPD and at the time i was not being treated properly for it. So, I was all over the place emotionally and he was what i clung to for validation, reassurance, and love. I talked to him when we first started dating about my disorder and told him that if it seemed like something he couldn’t handle that he could opt out of the relationship. I guess he didn’t think it was that bad or something idk because whenever i had really bad depressive episodes, he would tell me I was too sad to hang out with. He said that my sadness was a burden to him. Which would be fair. But, once my mother had a conversation with him about me. She told him that i am someone who needs a lot of love and caring. She said that if he wasn’t willing to put in that kind of effort into a relationship to just leave me alone. He reassured her that he would be there for me no matter what. He told my mother that he would protect me and my heart. He did not. He took all the warnings I gave him and ignored them and then made me feel like I was the problem. And even worse, he would say that i was pretending to be sad to get his attention when he would neglect for days at a time.

There were also some smaller things like the fact that he made me feel really guilty whenever he would spend money on me. Also, he would be really mean about my eating habits. For context, i used to suffer from an eating disorder. I was anorexic and had a really unhealthy relationship with food during high school and my first year of uni. This relationship began when i was recovering from my ED. For me, eating was really hard. So i had certain comfort foods that, while sometimes unhealthy, at least it was something to eat when i didn’t feel like eating anything. He knew this. Yet, whenever i would crave some of these foods he would call me fat. Constantly told me I’d gain weight from eating all that junk food. Saying that to someone with an eating disorder is crazy. Other smaller things were that whenever I would post tiktoks where i was lip syncing or just looking good he would yell at me and say i was looking for attention. Same with Instagram or Twitter whenever i would post photos where I looked hot. He never planned out a single date for us. I would beg him to get me flowers and he did maybe once but i’ll get into that in a bit. He would make fun of me in front of his friends to make himself look better. He let his friends say really degrading things about me in his presence. For example, once when i was showering, i overheard him on a discord call with George and Sapnap and i heard George say “if you don’t go in the shower and have sex with Andi, i will”. Once, when i was really struggling with my legs (for those of you who don’t know, i have arthritis and it’s very painful. at the time i wasn’t diagnosed but i was in a lot of pain) I literally could not walk. I had to beg him to take me to the ER because i didn’t know what was wrong with me. He didn’t want to take me but eventually i convinced him, and while we were there all he did was complain about how long it was taking and that he would have rather been at home streaming. Whenever I would talk about my interests that i was excited about like shows or books he would be incredibly uninterested and say that those things were stupid and he didn’t want to hear about them. I know all of these seem very silly or superficial but cumulatively it was awful.

Now for arguably the most serious thing i’m going to talk about. I want to preface this by saying i am just telling my side of what happened. You can come to your own conclusions about this.

On April 25, 2022 it was our one year anniversary, and i had made a dinner reservation for us. I expected him to plan something throughout the day for us to do. He told me he was going to spend the whole day playing Valorant so I got upset and cancelled the reservation. After a very heated argument, we calmed down and i asked him to come over. He came over about an hour later with flowers and drinks (I was 20 at the time so I couldn’t buy the drinks myself). He brought Smirnoffs and Trulys. For context, I am a lightweight. I always have been. I literally get tipsy on half a cocktail. And that day, I hadn’t eaten anything because i was in distress over our argument. So we get to talking and drinking. I blacked out after my second Smirnoff. Apparently I drank 3 but I genuinely cannot remember anything after finishing the second one. The next morning i woke up naked in my bed. I woke him up and asked him “Luke, why am I naked?” and he said “Because you didn’t want to put your clothes back on.” When I clarified to him that that was not what I meant, he got defensive and said that he didn’t realize how drunk I was. He proceeded to tell me that I initiated sex with him and that i was very enthusiastic about it. He said he didn’t know i could black out on three smirnoffs. He made fun of me for being a lightweight and continued to make light of the situation. Then he mentioned that i fell off the bed at some point in the night and that it was funny how drunk I was. I then questioned him. Because if he thought that me tripping and falling off the bed because i was so drunk was funny, how did he not know that i was too drunk? He responded by saying that i fell off the bed only after we were done. That day I broke up with him. I’m still really confused about what happened that night. I don’t remember anything and all I have to go on is what he said to me. We were in a relationship at the time and he says he didn’t know how drunk I was so I’m not sure what to call what happened. A while after that day, his friend that hmu while we were broken up and I started talking again and i confided in him about that night. He told me to be careful saying things like that because they could get me into trouble. I spoke to some of our other friends about it and they told me it was no big deal and that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know how drunk I really was. Because I don’t remember, I have been led to believe that this is not a serious matter. You can think what you want, come to whatever conclusions you want. That is just my side of the story.

I want to add that I’m not proud of how I acted after the relationship ended. I felt really angry at all the shit he put me through and I guess a part of me wanted him to hurt even a quarter of how I did. So I started talking to his friend and got involved with him. This backfired on me because his friend ended up really hurting me too so ig i got my karma. But the thing that hurt the most is that because of what I did, some of our friends took his side in the break up. I was told that I did something terrible by getting involved with his friend that he was already insecure about and that he didn’t deserve that. These are the same friends who were witness to the dumpster fire of a relationship we had and all the things he did to me. They turned their backs on me because of this one thing I did. But stood by and watched as he treated me like garbage for over a year.

I will conclude this by saying that while this relationship has been “over and done with” for almost two years now, I carry a lot of trauma from it still. I still talk about him in therapy and have had to put in a lot of work to heal from what he did and i still cannot say that i am okay. I am very blessed to now have a patient and understanding partner who has helped me heal from that trauma and i just want to quickly thank him for that. Nobody deserves to go through what I did. While yes, it was a toxic relationship, and I had a part in that, it does not excuse all the awful things he said and did to me. This is my truth, thank you for taking the time to read it.

[snifferish]

Sneafie Book Review: "Where the Dark Stands Still" by A.B. Porenek

Alright gamers that's right I'm posting book reviews on my tumblr, BOO! Jumpscare! Anyways I'm a spoiler free kinda guy here we go.

This week I read Where the Dark Stands Still by A.B. Porenek, this is a Young Adult Fantasy novel that leans slightly into the gothic genre. It's got a lot of Polish Folklore, It's kind of a beauty and the beast retelling? The author and the marketing has compared it to Howl's Moving Castle, which is why I originally took interest in it.

Personally, I gave this a four star rating, but on the Sneaf'o'meter of precision I'd say 73%

Let's get into the good and the everything else.

First off, If you like fun prose and description, this is for you. The Author's range of being able to describe something so beautiful and then transition to something grotesque and everywhere in between is wonderful. This ability comes into play frequently with how she describes the house in the story (which is sentient).

The magic system in this??????? Spectacular, I loved the concept. I've seen things similar to it, but it was so simple yet meaningful (AHH!). Probably my favorite part.

Another really prominent point in the marketing is the amount of Polish Folklore. There's a few specific spirits and demons referenced that are apart of it. I'm no expert on Polish folklore that's for sure, so I can't say whether it was truthful, or what the Author directly took from it. However I can say it was refreshing, new and I learned things :)

Okay sooo... Welcome to a segment called, why not five stars? I hesitate to say something is "bad" about about this book because I think it's really just preference at this point.

The exposition was normally paced but around the exposition into rising action area I felt like It was stalled. Really the book was just giving vibes left and right which is totally cool to some people, but because some information was withheld to certain points I felt like I was missing a lot of the foundation for the conflict and by the time I understood the conflict I was just like ahh, okay.

The romance plot within the story is pretty big, and to me it felt, okay. Just okay. I'll admit I'm a stinky gay that holds heterosexual romances to high standards so maybe that's why I wasn't so into it??? Again! I was so excited, I was thinking yes, it's like Howl's Moving Castle! and I just didn't get that. However, a lot of people who read this and reviewed it did get those vibes, so... not sure. Also, I think pet names just aren't my thing.... It's not usually something I find appealing in romance storylines.

Ultimately, I still really enjoyed this book. This is Porenek's debut novel, and I think it's very promising! Her writing style is excellent and I imagine she can only get better.

Also, this doesn't effect my rating at all, but I am begging fantasy Authors of all kinds to considering adding pronunciation guides. There where times I had access to my computer and I could look it up, but even then I don't know if google is telling me the right way to say it.

if you've read this I'd love to know your thoughts and if youre going to read it, well same, basically, do tell.

#snifferish #booklr #bookblr #book review #book recommendations #sneafie book review

[snifferish]

How's your book going?

slow, honestly, but I don't mind!

I've written a lot... and then backtracked... a lot....

I've been having many conversations with my friends about creating something accessible. More often than not I feel like fantasy isn't always the most approachable, and so in order to not alienate the audience I have to create something familiar in a way that can let people fill in the gaps from their own experience but also different enough where it takes the reader out of our current world.

Then, on top of all of this, I want to craft a commentary on things like burnout, family strife, and the way our socio-economic status affects our relationships (familial, romantic, platonic).

Right now it's a lot of moving parts, and I fear that is the downfall of the story. I've completely stopped writing and started workshopping how to simultaneously intertwine and simplify what I want to say. Also I'm so so so in love with my characters and I want to write them in every single scenario possible but I gotta hold back lol.

AND! I've been working on a second story just for funsies that is completely independent but takes place within the same world. Working on this side by side is fun, helps me develop the world, and lets me take breaks from either. This one is a retelling though (I know they're kind of over done) but it's my favorite classic, The Count of Monte Cristo. I would say it's a gender-swapped version, but it's not really? Only a few characters are switched, but to me it makes it so much more. What can I say? After some really unfortunate experiences and realizations lately, all I've really wanted to write about is a woman and her revenge.

#snifferish #writing #asksniff #books

[snifferish]

I think about this post a lot, how it remains relevant, how it applies to something new every month.

I'm always sickened, always heartbroken, and always mourning for my friends.

I’m sick and tired of sharing the Minecraft space with people who have no interest in creating a safe space online - especially for a game rated for like kids and teens like.

It’s the reason I feel myself cringe when I tell people I make Minecraft content, not because I’m embarrassed it’s a kids game but because of the people that have notoriously occupied the space.

I’m sick of it, and the truth is, it’s all so much worse behind the scenes, and I can’t just stop and leave because its my job, and this game has become my LIFE.

Anyone who doxes, harasses, threatens, harms, or abuses power have no place in my community and aren’t welcome.

That includes other content creators

Sorry for the little rant post. I’ve been upset for months, and yet I’ve never felt like it was something I could share because I myself didn’t feel comfortable. So many memories and experiences new and old swirling around and clouding my mind.

I appreciate you guys so much, and above all I want you, adult or child, to remain safe online and offline.

And with that, please remember to listen to victims!!!