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“Sometimes you pour your heart out and nothing comes back. Sometimes you pour your heart out and the world falls onto your lap. Keep trying.”

— N.M.Sanchez

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“Be thankful for every heartbreak, for they were planned. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. Their purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life. And you do.”

— Unknown

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Clear your mind here

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8.8.18

I'm fuming and the last 24hrs, last almost 6 months for that matter have been a disaster. I have so many thoughts and emotions going through my head and I can't cry them out or talk them out enough so I will try writing them down.

I feel like im part of a bad movie. Finding out your ex of 8+ years is MARRIED to someone else mere months after a breakup is not something I ever want to be a part of and here we are. Dealing with losing someone who was with you every single day for thousands of days of your life and then being completely alone is hard enough. This extra news is too much. Im afraid of whats coming and in my heart I already know its going to be a baby. Someone who for years told me he couldn't give me a child is married and likely going to give a woman hes known for months a child. I'm bracing for it and I know its coming.

We didn't have the best relationship and at times it was awful and there are so many regrets, so many mistakes, so much pain that cant be taken back. Somehow that doesn't lessen the soul shattering pain I feel now. Hearing everyone tell me the same exact thing..."hes a piece of shit" "you're better off without him" nothing helps. Thinking about every tiny thing about him that irritated me to no end doesn't help. All I can think about is how completely unfair it is that I'm here unable to function most days and HE IS FUCKING MARRIED. it is infuriating. If he was in front of me now i would punch him in the face. And scream. And probably get arrested.

Another thing that has been brought up is "if he were in front of you right now and said I'm sorry, I fucked up" and up until yesterday I don't think I had an answer. Yes, I miss him every minute of every day. And think about him. And he's in my dreams most nights. And I want to punch him for being so stupid and then hug him and not let go. After yesterday's news, I know one thing for sure above all else, that I dont know him at all. The person i shared my life with for all those years, the person i bought a home with, the man i met in Chicago all those years ago is not this person. This arrogant son of a bitch. This mean, hurtful, irrational, lying scumbag is not him. The man who told me he loved me and would always love me and then married someone else is not the person i knew. And he changed slowly through the years but maybe it didn't hit me sooner or maybe I didn't care enough to do anything and I just settled. The more I sit and think about this, the more angry i get. The worst is my anger, hate and rage doesnt affect him AT ALL. He has very clearly moved on and this only affects me and somehow I could care less. My life and future now just seems bleak and i don't even care. I'm just so broken, more than ive ever felt in my life and I dont know what to do and im scared that i will never get over this.

I dont know if these ramblings make any sense. Nothing makes a whole lot of sense right now.

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This will make you feel better

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I can relate to this

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https://www.instagram.com/thepersonalquotes/

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I can relate to this

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Even at your worst, you are fucking incredible.

(via hplyrikz)

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Don’t sit and wait. Get out there, feel life. Touch the sun, and immerse in the sea.

Rumi (via hplyrikz)

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Clear your mind here

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Sometimes you meet someone and even though you never liked brown eyes before, their eyes are your new favourite colour.

(via hplyrikz)

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“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster… for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.”

Friedrich Nietzsche (via hplyrikz)