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01.21.2024

This is my most safe space. No one can ever find this. Every single night, i find myself longing for you. It seems easier with you, peaceful. You're different from me but so similar. I'm tired of searching for man after man after man. But I don't want to think about the end all be all with you. The past 6 years I've been in and out of relationship after relationship, Maybe for fucking once I'd like somebody that I just casually have sex with? I'm alone most of the time anyways, and quite frankly I am a little tired of being a problem to someone that shouldn't be treating me and what i have going on as an issue within itself. I don't feel heard by you at all, I feel like whatever I have going on in my head doesnt and never matters because "its all gonna be okay"s and "just turn it off when you are with me"s seem to solve everything for you and the people who live in your world. They have the power to help someone in a situation like mine and instead they go on cruises and do superficial bullshit and take 7 vacations a year. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out how to work 3 different jobs in 4 days just so i can make enough moneu to get by. Just to pay my fucking rent. I do want someone that i can just turn off the thoughts with but its not you because you just try over and over to micromanage me constantly. But a tthe same time you do offer me support but i should have youre support and your ears for listening. I deserve better.

[smallredhead-blog]

Always in my head

Its so crazy, that at the time we were hurting the way that we were. You would tell me you threw up every morning just like i used to. But now almost 6 months later, half of a year, I’m dreaming about you again. I’m thinking about you all the time. I have to constantly remind myself that you weren’t good for me. Every time I spoke to you afterwards I would get this feeling like I was sick or that you made me sick or that you were disgusting because you were. You’d tell me about these girls that you were hanging out with after I broke up with you because I needed to find myself be a better person. You kicked me out of my own fucking house for Christ sake, kept my cats, told me about a new girl you were seeing that “does so much for you” by bringing you coffee everyday because she wants to date you. But what I did for 3 years was never enough. I would offer to get you lunch on a busy day if i was free or off and I never had the money for it so I’d ask you, You would bitch and barely give me the money i needed. My account was always overdrawn because the last little bit of money I ever did have went to Dabs, if I even fucking had it. When I started at AG my coworkers invited me out to drink with them, which you were insecure about and I was so broke I had to ask how much a fucking beer costed. The first time I ever went out, Randy picked up my tab because he knew what a shit situation I was in. I found pictures of other girls on your phone TWO different fucking times. Each time you pleaded for my forgiveness and promised you’d never do it again, and of course I always gave it to you. We moved into our own house, things were starting to get better, I told you If you needed to change and to change fast because I want to start my life and get married, have babies. You really didn’t want the babies part. It broke my fucking heart, because you never wanted to do anything else either. You never wanted to go out or do things that people our age were doing, but you didn’t want the alternative. And all I fucking wanted was you. You did everything for your parents, without question or doubt. If I would’ve married you your mom would’ve pulled some fucked up shit at our wedding and I know this for a fucking fact and you probably would’ve taken her side. I think sometimes did I make a mistake leaving him? Then i’ll go back in my journal and read about when I would just sit in my rooms and fucking cry. YET now i keep fucking dreaming about you, apart of me even misses you. You had no personality beyond cars and smoking, and yet you had me by my fucking bones. You’d pull my strings I was your little puppet, Id watch videos about people being happy in their relationships and I actually fucking deleted my social media because of this. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. I HATED YOU. I STILL DO. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I dont want to keep thinking about you as this great person that i left for my own selfish reasons WHEN YOU TREATED ME LIKE TRASH. 

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12.4.2020

Someday, I’ll find all of these entries and think that these were a life time away. I already do. Right now, I’m listening to Patrick sleep we both were up at 5:30 this morning to go to work at (he was in at 7, I was in at 8). So I’m letting him sleep. He deserves it, I just wish i could shut my mind off like he does and actually take a fucking nap every once in a while. And this is so fucking new too. This. Not tumblr, thats old. I’ve been using these platforms as an escape from my reality for years. I just write and write and write and maybe somewhere someone out there reads all of this and find solice in it. But as far as im concerned this is just another super private outlet for me to talk about my feelings, unconditionally. I love not worrying about if anyone on here is going to critique my words too harshly. Because they’re just that, words. Patrick loves to write too, of course he hasn’t in a while because the lives we lead are very busy often times. As much as i’d like to sit down at this computer everyday and just work on something wonderful I cant. I’ve heard enough shit to make millions and millions of books. I could write about all the wrong doings in my life. Or i could write about someone else’s and make up a new fantasy. He has so many great books too, books that make you wanna learn and be a fucking smart person. Books that make you wanna write again. Every single day is a new adventure with him. There is something new about him that i learn or something he does that surprises me or even his words, just the fucking day with him brings this hope. This never dying never ending Hope. It feels so fucking right, so right that everything before him feels so fucking wrong. It feels like “what the fuck was i doing” but i was searching for him. I had to get through all the bad ones first. and ill say forever that i should’ve broken up with will sooner. Like yea I loved Will but no where near how I love Patrick. This man truly makes it his fucking MISSION to make dam fucking SURE I’m happy and with will it was like i knew he was happy but he wouldnt bet shit on me being happy because he knew that i wasn’t. I guess thats why he finally let me go. He saw that i wasn’t happy anymore and didnt want me to suffer i guess. Like if it was will sleeping right now i’d throw a fucking fit get pissed off because he wanted to sleep instead of spending time with me. I’m letting patrick sleep because i know hes tired and im tired too however, I never want to make him feel like he has to do something to keep me pleased. I resented will, i almost fucking hated him at one point. Side note, Patrick’s Ex still lives here and like she has a ferritt and this fucking ferrit is so loud. But again we don’t care because im so fucking IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN. I can barely fucking stand it UGHHHHH. Yall ever heard that song purple emoji thats what i hear in my head when i just SEE him. Imagine what happens in my pants Lol. Everyone and i mean everyone around me that i keep close in my life can see that im so much fucking happier except my family because they loved will and they thought that he was truly the best that i could’ve done. Lmao little did they fucking know, i found a man thats so great i swear to you they made him in a lab. I don’t give a fuck about what anyone has to say, im going to fucking marry him. Im not gonna let this slip away i cant. Our love could move fucking mountains, stop trucks, end wars. The age gap is my lucky number. So it has to be, right?

-aNj

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