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smack-raw-dynamite · 2 years

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WWE Smackdown April 1, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

The card of the Andre The Giant Battle Royale

Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode

Finn Balor

Happy Corbin

Ricochet

Los Lotharios

Naomi & Sasha Banks

Queen Zelina & Carmella

Natalya & Shayna Baszler

Liv Morgan & Rhea Ripley

Charlotte Flair

Rick Boogs & Shinsuke Nakamura

Austin Theory

Vince McMahon

The Usos

Drew McIntyre

We're starting out tonight with the Andre The Giant Battle Royale. It has too many people to start out with, but I'll list elimination order

Akira Tozawa

Reggie

R-Truth

Jinder Mahal

T Bar

Drew Gulak (eliminated by Madcap Moss, who gets distracted by Happy Corbin, but later helped)

Cedric Alexander

Shelton Benjamin

Mansoor

Apollo Crews

Ivar

Erik

Commander Azeez

Shanky

Damien Priest (eliminated by Finn Balor, which was the first time the crowd was really on their feet)

Tommaso Ciampa

Dolph Ziggler

Robert Roode

Finn Balor

In some incredible turn of events, Madcap Moss wins and I am actually delighted. As long as this leads to a face turn, which I think is definitely coming, and am hoping so very much. The crowd doesn't seem to agree, chanting "you suck".

Next is an IC triple threat match with Ricochet coming out first. After commercials, Los Lotharios come out for their kiss cam and happen to find a pretty woman in the same place as every week. Right off the bat, this match seems a lot less a triple threat and a lot more handicap. Ricochet gets a knee to the spine and is knocked out of the ring. After commercials, Ricochet's back on his game and successfully turning the Lotharios against each other, splitting the team up to work on them one at a time. He gets enough of a divide to win with a pin on one of them and I could not hear which because my Mom made cookies and was yelling over my stream.

Naomi and Sasha Banks come out next for hopefully the final match against Carmella and Queen Zelina. After the commercial break, Natalya, Shayna Baszler, Liv Morgan and Rhea Ripley are all in the ring with them. They step out to watch and Carmella and Sasha begin the match. Sasha's isolated in the opponents' corner and Liv and Rhea literally look like a couple watching. When Naomi does get the tag, she's beating down on Zelina hard with a splash and gets the pin.

Charlotte Flair is up next and I am pretty sure I've never seen a shirt that ugly in my entire life. People start 'what' chanting her and she 'WHOOOO's in reply. No matter what she tries, she is so incredibly unlikeable. I don't even love to hate her. She just makes me disgusted at myself for listening to her and I wish I could describe why. Best I can describe is that I hate her the same way I hate The Miz. Luckily, her promo is short.

Rick Boogs plays Shinsuke Nakamura in, but as Pat begins dancing, Austin Theory sweeps his legs out from underneath him and then Pat starts chasing him backstage until Theory runs into Vince's office, which is incredibly badly received by Vince, who threatens to cancel the match. In the ring, the Usos come out for a Jimmy VS Boogs match. Boogs has the match in his pocket from the get-go and curls Jimmy 10 times before Jimmy throws him into the corner in retaliation. From his knees, Boogs begins military pressing then slamming Jimmy. Theory tries to interrupt the match by coming out and tossing ice water on Pat, but Finn Balor comes out and starts beating on him, tossing him into the ring and stopping the match. After commercials, a new match is declared of Shinsuke, Boogs and Balor on one team and Theory and the Usos on the other with Pat delightfully bitching about Theory. Boogs pulls a Boogs Cruise and slam on Theory and I would have personally thrown directly the fuck up. He tags out to Balor, who is having a great time beating on Theory on Pat's behalf. After the next commercial break, Balor and Jimmy are in the ring, breaking each other down slowly until tags begin happening. Shinsuke gets a nearfall on Theory, but is double superkicked by the Usos. Balor tags in and clears house with a beautiful splash outside the ring. He drags Theory back into the ring, but with the Usos distracting him, he gets his legs split on the top rope and pinned by Theory. Pat takes off his headset and climbs onto the apron, ready to beat the piss out of him, but is gently stopped by Cole, who pats his leg and urges him back down.

Carrying Angela, the Happy Folk come out for Happy Talk. Happy's saying how he's euphoric, but because he has Angela, not because he's proud of Madcap. He then elects to rename the sword a happier name, calling it Euphoria. At this, Drew McIntyre comes out looking like 270lbs of angry Scottish snack and fetches a folding chair. He throws the folding chair at Corbin, forcing him to drop Angela and run. He then tosses out the leather chairs from the ring and slices the Happy Talk table in two.

END OF SHOW

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smack-raw-dynamite · 2 years

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AEW Dynamite March 30, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

CM Punk

The Acclaimed

MJF

FTR

Jay Lethal

Mox

Gunn Club

Wardlow

Jericho Appreciation Society

Santana, Ortiz & Eddie Kingston

Jade Cargill

Leva Bates

Bryan Danielson & William Regal

Wheeler Yuta

Adam Cole

ReDragon

Hangman Adam Page

Jurassic Express

Thunder Rosa

The Bunny

Toni Storm

Andrade El Idolo

Darby Allin

Sting

Butcher & Blade

Private Party

The Hardys

CM Punk is staring tonight off and my goodness, it feels like it's been a while since we last saw him even though he was literally here last week. I think it's because he doesn't usually go without cutting a promo and he hasn't had a major one since before Revolution. The Acclaimed are, as predicted, dropping Will Smith references before it's been 5 minutes of the night, but that's okay. Apparently JR was waiting for the same thing. Punk's up against Max Caster, and they're playing the arm game tonight, working each others' shoulders. It takes a little time for Caster to start turning the tables, but he does when he catches Punk mid-air and hits him with a rib breaker. Every bump after seems to be stripping years from Punk's life. But Caster gets cocky and Punk gets back into his groove. The advantage keeps slowly slipping between the two until Punk gets him with a piledriver that JR mistakenly calls a tombstone and makes him tap with the anaconda vice. Schiavone comes out to the ring and asks Punk what his mimed belt signal meant last week. He says he knows that 3 things will happen before his time in AEW is up: he'll have more gray in his beard, more scars in his head and he'll be world champion.

MJF is backstage and says Wardlow's name will no longer be spoken, that he doesn't exist. He starts listing FTR's future matches as easy wins. FTR (wearing NWO-themed gear) protests Max's Anti-Wardlow stance and says they're his friends, regardless of what Max says. He informs them Wardlow used to talk shit about them behind their backs. Behind them, Smart Mark is putting up posters that say Wardlow is banned from all AEW events.

Jay Lethal and Mox enter the ring and begin their match with Mox smacking away Lethal's offered handshake. It's a very grapply match and every time Lethal tries to lock Mox in a hold, Mox kicks him off and away. Mox eventually gets him on top of the turnbuckle and Lethal shoves him off, making him land nuts-first on the top rope. After the commercials, they're both on the floor and the ref is counting them up. They get up at 6 and try for a cross-body at the same moment. They're in perfect sync, which is a hazard for them. Mox lands an incredible forearm that fucked up his knee a little too much that almost messes him up later in the match. After a couple nearfalls and a failed figure four, Mox eventually gets the pin. After the match, Mox and Lethal do shake hands.

Next up is FTR up against the Ass Boys Gunn Club. I don't know if this theme is new or not, but I like it. Unfortunately, it's interrupted by MJF strolling out and joining commentary and Schiavone looks like he wants to commit atrocities. The audience is happily chanting 'Ass Boys', but the Gunn boys don't seem bothered. They're selling arm drags and faceplants like champs. The tables don't turn until Billy hits Cash with a haymaker outside the ring and does the DX crotch chop and yells "Suck it, bitch", which I found delightful. After the commercial break, I noticed Gunn Club's tights look awfully Lisa Franky and I feel like that should be a more common theme in wrestler tights. After a couple of nearfalls, the camera cuts to the entrance and Wardlow comes into the arena and points to the commentary desk after knocking down every security guard. He's on a motherfucking mission. The match pretty much stops as Wardlow's dragged away by 15-20 guards, but resumes with a ton of distractions from Billy and the illegal men as Dax gets the pin and win. MJF comes out to the ring and tries to celebrate with them, but FTR is pissed at Max's treatment of Wardlow.

Chris Jericho and his Appreciation Society is backstage and Chris is looking as purple and tasty as ever. They're so anti-pro wrestler and assure everyone that there's only ever gonna be 5 members. They start joking about how Santana, Ortiz and Eddie Kingston have been beat to hell and will never return. They "take a peek" to the left, then to the right, where the three are standing and Eddie beats Chris out to the ring, biting him a lot more than is socially polite. It's a total street fight. The JAS is beaten down one by one with fists, feets and chairs. Jake Hager is the only saving grace who can possibly turn the tables. Eddie gets locked into a sharpshooter and Jericho starts beating him with a baseball bat. They strip his sweater off and Jericho starts whipping him with his belt.

Jade Cargill is prepping for her 30th victory and Smart Mark offers Leva Bates as her opponent, who is properly dismissed. So she picks option 2, Marina Schaffir.

Bryan Danielson and William Regal come out and take to the ring and the commentary table respectively. Wheeler Yuta takes the opposite side and this is feeling incredibly like an audition for the Blackpool Combat Club. Regal literally requests to be stopped if he starts gushing over Bryan too much. Yuta is keeping one of the most impressive bridges I've ever seen through Bryan's knee strikes and the two of them are fighting with a clear amount of respect. They're grappling and striking and holding and I know this match likely won't be a historical greatest, but this is the kind of match that should be studied in wrestling schools. According to Regal, Yuta could easily be the next Bryan, and I don't think I can disagree. The intricate mix of strikes and creative holds get him so damn close to a win. Bryan's ready to get a hold, but Yuta hits him in the face with a massive lugie. Bryan's then on the warpath and beats him full to hell and makes him submit.

The all-too-smug belt thieves Adam Cole and ReDragon stroll out with their stolen championship and tag team belts. There's a box in the corner of the ring marked 'Party Supplies', that, when opened, lets a few gold helium balloons fly out. Cole announces this as the championship party. The belts all have tape with their names on them, and you can't steal what's yours. Then Hangman rolls out (literally) in his longhorn car and begins beating on the three of them hard. In the UDE's haste to run, they leave the belts behind and try to escape, but are intercepted by Jurassic Express, who start giving them what they've asked for. All three men reclaim their belts easily

Schiavone introduces Thunder Rosa, who he looks so proud of. She announces that as happy as she is to be the face of the division, she wants to be the face of women's wrestling and won't just be a pillar, but a foundation.

The Bunny comes out for her match against a secret opponent as the first qualifying match for the Owen Hart Foundation Tournament and it is a very happy, very tough looking Toni Storm. These two are absolutely malicious. Almost evil looking. And beating the ever-loving piss out of each other. This is what women's wrestling should be. Can't be argued to be too bloody or catty or filled with cheap shots. Just solid fucking wrestling that ends with a gorgeous pin by Toni (who I'm shocked they didn't rename).

Andrade El Idolo comes out wearing a mask and the world's weirdest suit and the excitement for him is promptly overshadowed by Darby Allin coming out with Sting. Except Sting walks out five steps and then leaves as Darby skates down and gets flattened by a splash. He's getting tossed against and onto every surface before the match has even started. He gets Andrade back when Darby hits him against the stairs and then jumps onto his back with his skateboard. Eventually, even though he can't stand, Darby climbs into the ring and the ref says he can just walk away, just leave, but Darby tells him to ring the bell and start the match. He looks at least 2/3 dead and hasn't been able to stand up on his own for any longer than a few seconds. The first sign of him not being broken in half is him pulling a Code Red after commercials. If it weren't for the bursts of energy, Darby would look very much like he's napping. Andrade tries to use his belt as a weapon, but the ref confiscates it, letting Darby slam him into the corner. He gets Andrade into the Fujiwar armbar, and Jose The Assistant comes out to help, whom Sting intercepts, then Butcher and Blade comes out. Darby dives into all three of them to save Sting and after a little more beating, Andrade gets the unfortunate, but not unexpected, pin. Sting climbs into the ring and takes Darby's pulse, smacking him a little, but he's not waking up. The opponents all gang up on Sting and Private Party comes out, making it 6 on 2. To even the odds, the Hardys come out with chairs and a table happened somewhere, but I have no idea where. Matt hits a twist of fate and Jeff gets a pristine Swanton Bomb that seems to really hurt his ribs.

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smack-raw-dynamite · 2 years

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WWE Raw March 28, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

Brock Lesnar

The Miz

Logan Paul

The Mysterios

Seth Rollins

Vince McMahon

Omos

Viking Raiders

Bobby Lashley

Reggie

Dana Brooke

Tamina

Akira Tozawa

Roman Reigns, The Usos & Paul Heyman

Queen Zelina & Carmella

Shayna Baszler & Natalya

Rhea Ripley & Liv Morgan

Sasha Banks & Naomi

Kevin Owens

Ricochet

Austin Theory

Bianca Belair

Becky Lynch

Drew McIntyre

Happy Corbin & Madcap Moss

Edge

AJ Styles

Rick Boogs

Shinsuke Nakamura

RKBro

Street Profits

I will never get tired of Brock Lesnar's new gimmick where he's just a very happy, very chaotic evil cowboy. He's adopted a very JR-esque accent as he messes around with catchphrases, obviously having a fantastic time. He's even encouraging the 'What?' chants, giggling along. He says their belts are gonna have a wedding and a baby; the Unified Title, which he will get sole custody of.

Next up is The Miz, who's looking greasy enough to slide down to the ring. He's talking about Rey Mysterio's outfits and masks, mentioning how his favourite mask is the one he took last week and that he gave it to Logan Paul. I feel sickened and disgusted by this image. Literally sick to my stomach. Luckily, the Mysterios walk out and they are looking bloodthirsty. Dominik starts beating on Miz and Rey starts stalking Logan. As a result, Dominik is ejected from the upcoming match. I almost want to mute this because Corey is going too far. When the Miz VS Rey match starts, Rey has his attention divided, but he looks like he wants to destroy both of them. After the commercial break, Miz is trying very hard to take today's mask from Rey. There's a couple jumps and flips, but it's ultimately a meh match that Rey wins with a solid pin. Dominik runs out immediately after and he and Rey miss a Double 619 on Logan, but succeed in taking back his mask. Then they hit the Double 619 on Miz and double Splash him as Logan watches with his mouth hanging open like an idiot fish.

We've then got a pre-filmed vignette showing us how Seth Rollins showed up 2 hours early for his 9am appointment with Vince McMahon concerning Wrestlemania. He refuses to stop cackling. The awkward silence from Vince is nearly unbearable. Seth asks about his punishments for his actions from last week, assuming he's getting fired. Vince says he's got a match at Mania, he just had to ask, but he'll be selecting his opponent and announcing it at Mania.

Omos has a handicap match next. The Viking Raiders roll up after commercials and I am praying this isn't just a squash cause this could be an excellent match. But once Erik takes the first hit and rolls out of the ring, he's just writhing around and gets counted out. I literally could not be more disappointed. After the bell, for good measure, he kicks Ivar once as well. What even was that? After the match, he's asked if there's someone who could maybe stand up to him at Mania, and Bobby Lashley comes out for the first time since his Elimination Chamber injury. Somehow, I am pleased to see him. Bobby looks up at the Mania sign and Omos shoves him around a little. Bobby keeps running against Omos and is the first one to knock him down, apparently ever.

After the commercial break, Reggie gets down on one knee and proposes to Dana Brooke. And for some reason, she says yes. Tamina almost pins her to steal her 24/7 Championship and then Akira Tozawa shows up and pulls out a ring of his own after getting down on one knee. She accepts as well, but the ring he bought is too small for her finger. Even the commentators have nothing to say.

Roman Reigns comes out with The Bloodline and takes forever, as per usual. Unlike Brock, he's not giggling at the 'What?' chants. In fact, he's in a much worse mood than usual. The audience is making their allegiance to Suplex City very clear. He's very very angry and as a result, his mic skills tonight just aren't hitting the button they usually do.

Queen Zelina and Carmella are doing a photoshoot backstage and get interrupted by Shayna Baszler and Natalya (Queen of Spades and Queen of Harts and I fucking love that) who lay down some very good threats. After commercials, the 8-woman tag match starts with the four aforementioned women against Rhea Ripley, Liv Morgan, Sasha Banks and Naomi. There's a lot of quick tags and I think if this was just 3 women and the Zelina/Carmella team wasn't here, this match could be cool, but it just kinda looks like a clusterfuck shitshow and Corey won't shut up about his dumbass sex life. The match finally gets interesting when Shayna shows up and actually starts wrestling. And then the team breaks down when the Zelina/Carmella team starts beating on the Shayna/Natalya team. Zelina then loses her pinning chance and gets pinned by Rhea's Riptide.

Kevin Owens pumps up the video package editors backstage after a Steve Austin tribute package. He says we're not gonna get "Stone Cold"; we're gonna get Steve, who's been supposedly bored shitless on his ranch. He's in top form dropping a promo and is obviously a respectful fan, but also a hell of a heel.

Ricochet's up next and though I've never been a particular fan of his, I CANNOT wait to see him kick Austin Theory's ass 5 ways from Thursday. When the match does start, Ricochet's being delightfully flippy and doing a lot of excellent kicks, but Theory counters a splash by making Ricochet slip and then pins him for the win.

Bianca Belair comes out looking incredibly bedazzled. She's not able to talk too well, but what she's saying is listened to by everyone. Her throat is bugging her a little, but she's speaking the truth. Becky Lynch's theme plays, but Bianca was ready. She got the chair away before Becky could climb into the ring and started beating on her hard. Unfortunately not hard enough to get the chair fully away from her. After a chair shot, Becky pulls out giant scissors from a pouch and Bianca avoids getting her braid chopped with seconds to spare, KO'ding her twice. With Becky flat on the ground, Bianca picks up the dropped scissors and starts giving Becky a haircut. It's not a big one, but officials convince her to leave after a few removed chunks, making Becky absolutely livid. It's an Alexa Bliss-level freakout. The audience begins chanting "you deserve it".

With titties a-flexin, Drew McIntyre strolls out for his handicap match against Happy Corbin and Madcap Moss. He watches Becky's backstage interview that consisted of her growling "Bianca, you bitch" and then Drew shrugs and looks a little too jubilant. After one shove to Drew that's not reacted to, Happy rolls out and leaves it to Madcap. Drew's lands a beautiful Claymore and gets the pin on Madcap. The instant the match is over, Happy returns to get his licks in, but not have to worry being defeated. He then takes Angela out of her holder and leaves.

Edge is in a darkened room with a scale. He tells AJ Styles that they need each other. They've been running parallel for 20 years and they need to have this match. He says that Sunday is Judgement Day and his judgement is sealed.

AJ Styles is backstage in a very tight tshirt. He's not pleased with Edge's promo and is concerned Edge is trying to get into his head. Mission has been accomplished. This match is currently the one I'm most excited for in the whole singles Mania card.

Much like Pat McAfee, I will never be tired of Rick Boogs playing Shinsuke Nakamura's theme. Apparently they're guest commentators for tonight's main event and I could not be more pumped right now. Not for The Usos; I don't give a shit about them. Their promo has fucked-up lighting and they look demonic. After commercials, the coolest motherfuckers on the planet, RKBro roll out. They're looking in sync as hell and The Usos are staring down Shin and Boogs, who are actually just standing there and staring. RKBro are just absolutely rocking the joint and give a rancid double slam to their opponents onto the commentary table. After the commercials, apparently Randy's getting stomped, but the tables seem to have turned back into his favour. Riddle tags in and he's beating down on any Uso who gives a shot at him. The Usos are admittedly using excellent teamwork, but they're also just cheap shotting him on occasion. If they were faces, I could absolutely love them, but I never like cheap, behind-ref's-back shots. After the final commercial break, Riddle's pretty isolated in a corner away from Randy, but he's not getting up too easily. He just needs to get to Randy and everything will be okay. When he does, it's back to Randy V Jimmy, and Randy's on the ball at all times, even when the Usos are trying to double-team. Then the match ends when the Street Profits both run out and start beating on Randy. Boogs drops Jimmy onto the top rope and Riddle RKOs Dawkins, then Randy RKOs Montez. RKBro wins by disqualification, but hey, they win, so I don't even care. Each of the Street Profits gets one more RKO when they look like they may restart the fight.

END OF SHOW

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smack-raw-dynamite · 2 years

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AEW Rampage March 25, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

Lance Archer

Dustin Rhodes

Jay Lethal

Fuego Del Sol

House of Black

Dark Order

Scorpio Sky, Ethan Page & Dan Lambert

ReDragon

Jurassic Express

Adam Cole

Nyla Rose & Vickie Guerrero

QT Marshall & Solo

Hook

Danhausen

Ricky Starks & Powerhouse Hobbs

Swerve Strickland

Keith Lee

Lance Archer comes out carrying one of Dustin Rhodes' academy students over his shoulder and Dustin comes out at the same time to save his student. Dan Lambert gets sneaky and tries to get to the ring, but Dustin is on the ball tonight. These boys are so incredibly big and my love for Dustin cannot be overstated. I don't see him nearly often enough, but when I do see him, I get very happy. Lance tears off a turnbuckle pad as Dustin tries to get his bearings. They're very evenly matched. It's only been 4 minutes and Dustin is already bleeding. It's only worse when he misses Lance in a low-height swanton. Dustin's a little woozy on his feet and the ref keeps having to check if he's okay. Lance is trying his best to wipe off all of Dustin's makeup in as vicious a way as possible, and just keeps working to beat the ever-living piss out of him. After commercials, Lance starts trying to bite off Dustin's fingertip. Lance is a master at dishing out pain, but Dustin is a master at taking it. He may be an older fellow, but he's in fantastic shape, not even breathing hard when he pulls off a CrossRhodes. He even survives a full nelson and a chokeslam with easy kickouts. Dustin's a little woozy and Lance tries to take advantage of that by leading him to the exposed turnbuckle, but Dustin turns the tables and gets him with the turnbuckle, then pins him in a jackknife. Once the match is over, Lance begins bashing Dustin's head into the steel steps, busting him open hard. More of Dustin's students try to come out to his defense, but Lance has nothing but bloodlust as he slams Dustin into a table.

Backstage, Jay Lethal is concerned by his losses to Adam Cole and Ricky Starks, saying that he should be comforted by their need to cheat to beat him, but is in fact disheartened, because they get more opportunities than he does in the first place.

Weirdly enough, Fuego Del Sol comes out to the ring. I've never really seen him before, and for some reason, pink is still something worth making fun of, even though I can't think of a single person in AEW who hasn't credited Bret Hart as being one of their inspirations (I'm sure there are some, but I know of none). Fuego says he wants to fight, but he's joined in the ring by the House of Black and he's metaphorically ripped apart. House of Black is confronted as they leave by a few members of the Dark Order who look like they're gearing up for a sick feud.

Scorpio Sky is backstage with Ethan Page and Dan Lambert. Dan announces that there is no longer an open challenge on the TNT Championship. Anyone who wants a shot at the title must earn it.

Dark Order and ReDragon are up next. Both teams are incredibly well-matched and if there is a kind benevelent force in this world, Dark Order will win. I didn't care about Kyle or Bobby in NXT and I don't care about them now. But Dark Order are sweeties who are working so frickin hard. Of course, ReDragon are dicks and they turned 10's mask around, blinding and pinning him. They try to continue beating on him, but Jurassic Express comes out to his aid. When they drop their belts, Adam Cole sneaks out and snatches them.

Nyla Rose, the innaugural Chris Jericho Sports Entertainer Of The Week, comes out with Vickie and is put into the ring with a jobber, Madi Wrenkowski. Within the time it took for me to look up how to spell her last name. Nyla has already beaten her.

QT Marshall is in the ring with the Certificate Of Accomplishment to be awarded to Hook and I'm thinking I may actually hear him talk and maybe I might care about him. Cause so far, it's just Tazz sounding like a Toddlers & Tiaras mom. There's a confetti gun and a rather impressive certificate, but Hook shoved Solo's head through it.

AND THEN DANHAUSEN COMES OUT AND CURSES HOOK

But Hook doesn't care and walks away.

In the pre-main event interview, Ricky Starks is tossing a lot of shade. They drop a few references to the "last house" (*cough*WWE*cough*) but Swerve Stickland keeps pace easily. So easily, Mark Henry has to yell over them.

In the ring, Ricky's using a lot of his amateur skills, but once they get off their knees, he pulls off a deeply impressive arm drag. Unfortunately, he's just not as flippy as Swerve. After the commercials, however, the flippies are equally matched. They're a hell of a good matchup, but Swerve knocks him down with a shooting star press off the apron. He pushes Ricky back into the ring and gets a nearfall with a doublestomp. Ricky's looking a hell of a lot like a dead fish as he claws to his feet. Ricky fails a suicida, and while the ref is distracted, Hobbs beats on Swerve just enough for Ricky to get the pin and the win.

Ricky's entourage brings down a banner to the ring and one of the members is thrown through it by Keith Lee, who begins beating on anyone he can reach. He gets into the ring and starts beating up on Hobbs while Swerve beats on Ricky while an army of refs are called out to the ring.

END OF SHOW

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smack-raw-dynamite · 2 years

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WWE Smackdown March 25, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

Brock Lesnar

Rick Boogs

Shinsuke Nakamura

The Usos

Drew McIntyre

Happy Corbin & Madcap Moss

Ridge Holland, Sheamus & Butch

Kofi Kingston

Xavier Woods

Roman Reigns & Paul Heyman

Ronda Rousey

Ricochet

Los Lotharios

Sami Zayn

Austin Theory

Sasha Banks & Naomi

Rhea Ripley & Liv Morgan

Shayna Baszler & Natalya

Queen Zelina & Carmella

Cowboy Brock's got his fancy lil belt and fancy lil cowboy hat outside of Roman's locker room. He's incredibly smug and says that he's not allowed to have contact with Roman unless provoked, so he wants to hang out in his locker room for a good provoking. Inside, he's got an incredibly dapper room with full champagne service.

Rick Boogs warms up the crowd with a very loud, very cool opening for Shinsuke Nakamura, which Pat is dancing on the table to just as excitedly. The Usos come out and try to make this into a tag team match even though it's supposed to be Shinsuke VS Jimmy. After the commercial break, these two are fairly evenly matched. They've got very similar builds and fighting styles, which means neither have an obvious advantage. Shinsuke is getting better strikes, but Jimmy is doing better throws and holds. If the Usos weren't so fucking cocky and were more concerned with wrestling instead of showboating, these two could have a gorgeous match. Jimmy gets a near-fall when Jey begins beating on Rick outside the ring. Jey goes for the guitar and Rick shoves his head into the ring post. He gets just enough of a distraction advantage that Shinsuke pins Jimmy.

Backstage, Drew McIntyre explains that Happy Corbin tried to end his career at Day One and in return, he's been taking great joy in psychologically torturing him. Meanwhile, Happy and Madcap Moss are hanging out and discussing movies that could be made about Happy's life. Madcap makes a bald joke that falls all the way flat.

Ridge Holland comes out for fight night with Sheamus and Butch (Pete). Kofi comes out after commercials and announces that tonight's match is against the New Day, but not him as King Woods' theme plays and I am incredibly happy that our king is back. Little less pleased that he's taking hard bumps, but it doesn't even matter cause Xavier gets a roll-up pin.

We're told there's a message from Roman Reigns, who's sending a video from his limo with Paul Heyman. He warns Brock against being in his locker room when he arrives.

Ronda Rousey comes out to the ring and announces that she doesn't want to take Charlotte Flair's title, but she wants it given to her. And wants it renamed to the Smackdown championship. Charlotte appears on the screen and announces she's not in Brooklyn and reminds Ronda who the champion is. They're catting at each other and truly, I don't want either of them to be champion. Neither deserves it. At least Ronda's smiling now and working on her likeability.

Ricochet comes out all flippy and is followed by Los Lotharios. They almost give up and skip the kiss cam and I'm more convinced than ever that the kiss cam girls are planted. The match is just singles with Angel representing his team. I don't appreciate the Lotharios as gimmicks, but they have a fascinating style. They're more powerful, but Ricochet is simply too bouncy. Bouncy, but easily distracted by Humberto on the rope, leading to him being pinned. The Lotharios are about to skip out, but Ricochet challenges Humberto to an immediate match. Ricochet's a lot rougher this time and not being quite a jumpy, but every bit as flippy. Humberto keeps leaving the ring through kicks and voluntary leavings. During the commercial break, it is confirmed that this is an IC contenders' match. Ricochet's pretty much fighting both of the Lotharios, jumping off of ropes, which proves to be his downfall. He throws Humberto back into the ring, but Angel grabs his ankle before he can beat the countout, which means Humberto is now the top contender.

Backstage, Sami Zayn is almost ludicrously happy as he describes the possibilities for his Anything Goes match against Johnny Knoxville. When cutting to the commentators, Austin Theory runs out and punches Pat in the head, causing him to give chase down to Mr. McMahon's office.

After commercials, the official announcement is made. Triple H will never again wrestle in the ring after a 27-year career.

Next up is the fatal 4-way, where one wrestler from each of the female tag teams will compete: Rhea Ripley, Sasha Banks, Shayna Baszler and Queen Zelina. During the commercial break, all four of the teammates not wrestling were sent back to the locker room. Zelina pins each one of her opponents for a count of two and is screaming a lot as she tries to get her pins. Sasha pulls in a double Banks Statement on Shayna and Zelina, but Rhea breaks the hold. Sasha gets a backstabber on Shayna and Rhea and Zelina gets Sasha down in a rollup, but she kicks out. Sasha eventually gets the win by submitting Zelina in a Banks Statement.

Out back, Roman arrives with Heyman. They make their way out to the ring. It's taken like 7 minutes. Brock's no longer in his locker room, which, as per Roman's threat, means his head will not be put through a wall. Where Brock is, however, is in the parking garage with a pickaxe, smashing the windows in Roman's vehicle and then he sneaks through the crowd towards Roman from behind. He fetches a chair and Security forms a barricade between the two of them. He jumps off the commentary table and starts beating security guards and climbs into the ring. Even the Usos aren't brave enough to stand up for Roman.

END OF SHOW

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AEW Rampage March 18, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

Darby Allin & Sting

The Butcher, The Bunny & The Blade

AFO

Hardys

Legit Leyla Hirsch

Red Velvet

Kris Statlander

House Of Black

Fuego Del Sol

Bear Country

The Acclaimed

Keith Lee

Powerhouse Hobbs

Ricky Starks

Swerve Strickland

Darby Allin and the Butcher are starting tonight. They've all got their possees with them and Butcher is coming out strong. He likes beating people up and I'd have to guess Darby doesn't mind being a little beat up. It isn't until Darby spears Butcher into the barricade with his shoulder that Darby seems to be turning the tables, but a failed coffin drop turns them right back. Darby's eating his hand and doesn't let go until he's knocked flat. Apparently Butcher is also a guitar player. I did not know this. Darby's getting swung around by his neck and it is looking incredibly painful. With every additional hit, Darby's just looking more and more dead on his feet. He gets Darby into a rough hold by his feet that becomes a powerbomb and back into the hold. Darby's understandably got a messed-up knee afterwards. With Darby's legs firmly attached around Butcher's neck, he's getting swung into every metal surface available on the floor. Stairs, barricades and posts. With a final coffin drop, Darby wins with a rough count-out.

Andrade El Idolo strides out, distracting Darby and Sting as the rest of the AFO ambush them from behind. Before too much damage is done, the Hardys run out to their aid. They give Darby a hand to his feet. Matt challenges the AFO to a bout right here and right now and it looks like they're about to have a serious rumble. Andrade steps back at the last second and Matt changes his offer to next Wednesday, an 8-man Texas Tornado match in Austin. No one looks all too enthusiastic at the idea, but I am. I am mentally busting a nut about this.

Next up is Leyla Hirsch against Red Velvet. Before the bell rings, before Red even gets to the ring, Leyla has intentions for blood and runs to get her on the ramp. Once they do make it to the ring, Red hits a moonsault and a nearfall. They're incredibly well-matched with Leyla using her legs a lot more and getting some solid hits in. Leyla tries to sneak in a turnbuckle connector as a weapon, but before she can use it, Kris Statlander pops up and rips it from Leyla's hand. A distraction from Kris and a corkscrew kick from Red lets her get the pin.

After commercials, the House Of Black come out to the ring for a trios tag team match against Fuego Del Sol and Bear Country. The commentators are all talking about how this is certain to be a pitiful squash match and after only a few moments, they don't look wrong. Boulder gets trapped in a 3-on-1, and shoved out of the ring. Fuego takes his place and tries to hold his own, but he's more or less squashed completely with Buddy Matthews getting the pin.

Max Caster is backstage for the main event with Anthony Bowens backing up his roasts. Keith Lee explains that he's a fan of The Acclaimed, but that they're just a stepping stone and the beginnings of a King or a Royal Gimmick are brought up. That could be very fascinating. Once they get into the ring, Keith's being merciless on Max's injured left arm. Or just merciless in general. Just beating the ever-loving piss out of him. The tables do turn a little when Keith gets drop-kicked and choked on the bottom rope. But just a little. Keith dominates the match firmly, then turns his attention to Powerhouse Hobbs, who's come out to the commentary table and is now stalking down the ramp. Ricky Starks follows quickly. The two of them and The Acclaimed team up to start beating on Keith, but they're interrupted by Swerve Strickland who comes out with a chair and chases off Keith's attackers.

END OF SHOW

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WWE Raw March 21, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

Kevin Owens

Seth Rollins

Rey & Dominik Mysterio

Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode

The Miz

Omos

Apollo Crews & Commander Azeez

AJ Styles

Carmella & Queen Zelina

Liv Morgan & Rhea Ripley

Shayna Baszler & Natalya

Becky Lynch

Austin Theory

Finn Balor

Pat McAfee

RKBro

Alpha Academy

Dana Brooke & Reggie

Tamina & Akira Tozawa

Edge

A massive pop starts tonight as the big ol screen flashes STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. In fact, it is not Steve Austin. Just Kevin Owens in an incredibly good cosplay. Close up, it's very obviously Kevin, but from a distance, he's kind of convincing. He cuts a pretty good impression promo, then is interrupted by the Stone Cold theme which turns out to be a ruse and just Kevin messing with everyone. Two cans of beers are tossed his way and he misses catching both. He calls out a bald stage hand who then has to climb into the ring and hands it directly to Kevin. For his troubles, he's stunned. Kevin then opens both dropped beers and empties them on the stage hand.

Seth Rollins is backstage, looking as greasy as ever. Before he can answer the question regarding him being at Wrestlemania, the audience begins chanting 'Cody' and he cackles, then steals the mic.

The Mysterios stroll out, looking like they're on cloud 9. Dirty Dogs follow, looking way too smug with the NXT title belt. And then Corey ruined everything by inviting Miz out to the commentary table. Dom and Dolph start out tonight and Dom brings out some beautiful arm drags. The match is interrupted by Seth rollin out and demanding a match in Wrestlemania. His mic keeps cutting in and out. When we come back from commercial, Rey's cleaning house and flying high. Dom's following his lead easily, but still has some evident inexperience. Though not quite too much to not be able to pin Roode. Miz runs out of commentary and rips off Rey's mask, holding it aloft like the sick fuck he is as Dom grabs a towel to cover Rey's face.

Backstage, Seth is still yammering, but now to Adam Pierce and Sonya DeVille. They explain to him that acting like a child won't get him a match.

Miz is still bragging about his bounty on a phone call backstage. He explains in an interview that Rey was Logan Paul's hero as a child (I don't believe it). The first thing Corey's said that I've ever agreed with is his reminder that you don't touch Rey's mask.

Omos is next up in a handicap match against Apollo Crews and Commander Azeez. The two are teaming up well, and Azeez almost breaks the corner post LEDs with Omos's face. Once the match actually starts, Omos dominates it completely, dropping Apollo straight down and pinning both men while stacked. Once the ring is cleared, Omos gets a mic and challenges the locker room to have someone try and beat him.

AJ Styles walks out, looking very healed after the beating Edge gave him. Looking healed, but his voice is a little bit off. He challenges Edge to come out immediately and not wait until Wrestlemania, then calls him a coward for not coming out. Instead of Edge, it's frickin Seth again (exhausted). The audience keeps cheering for Cody. "Rumors are a lot of fun, but rumors don't make moments and I am living for my Wrestlemania moment" Seth giggles. He just wants to check in on AJ, he says. Using mind games to try and weasel his way into having Edge as an opponent. He's losing his mind in desperation. Adam and Sonya stroll out and tell Seth he's got one last chance. If he beats AJ tonight, he gets to take AJ's place. Fortunately, AJ is not taking chances and starts the beatdown early.

Backstage, Carmella is on her phone and Queen Zelina is trying to make her realize the seriousness of the situation. Zelina calls her bridezilla and Carmella calls her a hobbit and they start brawling (I have found a deep new respect for Zelina).

Liv Morgan and Rhea Ripley are up next. Shayna Baszler and Natalya are their opponents tonight, but Shayna's getting some intense wristlocks in. The camera cuts away as Carmella storms out and starts bitching to Corey. Thankfully, his mic is cut and we don't have to listen to their bullshit. We get to watch some actual wrestling. Except, ironically, my stream is cut and I only get back on to see what I assume to be Liv getting pinned and then Carmella and Zelina beating up all four women and hugging in the ring.

After an update on Bianca Belair that says she is now out injured for an unspecified amount of time, Becky Lynch comes out, rocking another ridiculous outfit, courtesy of her and Seth's tailor. She starts asking very very philosophical questions and getting very Golummy about her belt (I dunno I've never seen LOTR). Says if Bianca comes out for Wrestlemania, she'll lose her hair.

Austin Theory is taking stupid-ass selfies backstage. He's accepting Pat McAfee's apology and saying he intends to beat Pat's ass and plans to take one more selfie with a knocked-out Finn Balor tonight. Since we're incredibly lucky, we get a special guest commentator of Pat McAfee. Finn's laying the major beat-down and kicking Theory out of the ring, giving Pat an opening to tease him, distracting him long enough for Finn to give a hardcore kick into the barricade. After commercials, Theory's got Finn in a submission hold. Pat comes out to the ring and slams on the mat, encouraging Finn to escape and turn the tides on the match. Every time Theory tries to get the upper hand, Pat gives just enough of a distraction and books it when Finn gets the pin from a cradle.

With nothing but the utmost swag, RKBro make their entrance. After commercials, Alpha Academy come out with a mic. Chad Gable requests a few Shooshes and accuses RKBro of being criminals for not giving them a title shot at Wrestlemania and kisses Otis. The two teams circle each other until the match starts with Chad and Randy Orton. Randy almost never starts off, but he tags out to Riddle fairly quickly. Otis knocks Riddle down pretty hard, but after a breather, Riddle starts using his kicky UFC legs to turn the tables a little until he gets knocked off the apron. After commercials, Randy's laying the true beat-down on Chad until Otis tries to interfere. Randy's not thrown off his rhythm until Chad escapes the RKO. Riddle gets a secret tag and lands a Bro Derek for the pin on Chad. Infuriated, Otis shoves down Riddle and the ref and Riddle's ass is only saved by the Street Profits coming out to run interference. Riddle goes in for a grateful hug but gets taken down by both members.

Next is the Tornado Tag Team match between Dana Brooke & Reggie and Akira Tozawa & Tamina. Akira's still simping so hard and this match begins with a game of chicken. There's a little less simping happening when Tamina straight up headbutts Akira right in the nuts and then he gets pinned by Reggie. Ever the sweetie, Tamina slings Akira over her shoulder and carries him backstage

Finally, AJ comes out again and I am so certain that when Seth loses this match, Cody Rhodes is gonna roll out and get a very confusing pop. I mean, people here want him bad, but he was booed right out of AEW. Seth rolls out after commercials and he is looking far too smug. Both these boys are looking like they're about to make a porno parody of Power Rangers. AJ isn't fully healed from Edge's attack (called it), but he's healed enough to toss Seth over the top rope and make him land on his nose on the apron. After another set of commercials, AJ is tossed out of the ring and almost counted out. He's basically out on his feet and working on instinct alone. He's not doing a ton better after another round of commercials. Seth keeps telling AJ that it isn't personal; he just needs a match. AJ doesn't take kindly to being called a son of a bitch and starts really fighting back properly. He's got two near-falls and Seth gets one, but they're not stopping. There's finisher after finisher and so many escapes and near-falls. These two work fantastically together and the only thing I'd change is to have this without literally 3 commercial breaks in it. AJ gets buckle bombed, but AJ gets a hit in by lifting his knees to mess up Seth's splash. The match ends with Edge attacking AJ with a chair to the spine, ruining Seth's last chance via disqualification.

Seth's using an awful lot of swear words as he climbs on the commentary table and commandeers a mic. He says next Monday Night Raw won't happen unless he gets his way and has a mega temper tantrum. Says "bullshit" a lot, and only like 90% of them are bleeped out. He then destroys parts of the ring in his rage

END OF SHOW

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The ‘Moxley and Danielson VS Chuck Taylor and Wheeler Yuta’ transcript no one asked for.

Because they put Regal on commentary and he called Danhausen a demon waif.

And the commentary was fascinating and I’m sure is building up some future booking and I am going to obsess over it with a fine-tooth comb myself.

I tried to make it as clean as possible, but there are things here and there I missed.

***

JR: Well uh William Regal, we’re happy you’re with us.

Regal: Mr. Ross, it’s always a pleasure, never a chore to see you.

JR: Thank you.

Regal: I didn’t get a chance to thank you last week, but you did just as much for me as Tony, thank you very much indeed.

JR: You hear that, Tony?

Tony: I heard that.

Regal: Man with the mask, you’ve done nothing for me.

Tony: Wow.

Excalibur: I have no rejoinder.

Keep reading

#AEW #Dynamite #reblog #but it is a necessary reblog

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AEW Dynamite March 16, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

Adam Cole & ReDRagon

Jurassic Express

Hangman Adam Page

Keith Lee

Powerhouse Hobbs

Ricky Starks

Bryan Danielson & Jon Moxley

William Regal

Best Friends & Danhausen

FTR

Young Bucks

The Acclaimed

Swerve Strickland

Jericho Appreciation Society

Wardlow

Scorpio Sky & American Top Team

Shawn Spears

MJF

Jade Cargill

Private Party

The Hardys

AFO

Darby Allin & Sting

Thunder Rosa

Britt Baker

We've got a trios tag team match starting off tonight with Adam Cole & ReDRagon up against Hangman Adam Page & Jurassic Express. Cole's got a steely look in his eye, gum in his mouth and a killer instinct in his heart to beat the piss out of Jungle Boy. As it is with most Jungle Express matches, JB is the starter to soften up the opposing team's opener before tagging in Luchasaurus to start squashing. Until Bobby Fish kicks out his ankle and gets Luchasaurus outside the ring. He's taking some pretty heinous-looking hits against the mat and ring posts, but powering through it like a champ through what lovers would call masterful tagteaming and haters would call cheap as fuck tagteaming with a lot of quick tags, any way you slice it. With a good explosion back to his own corner, he tags in Hangman who's in fine fucking form tonight my god. He's hitting every spot like the champ he is and working incredibly well with Jurassic Express. All three members climb onto the top rope and the three do a perfectly timed triple moonsault, each landing perfectly on a member of the opposite team. After the commercial break, Luchasaurus almost gets a clean double pin, but both kick out at 2. The Adams pair up in a slugfest. With Cole on Hangman's shoulders and Kyle O'Reily(?) on Luchasaurus's shoulders, JB pulls off a double Doomsday from the top rope that ends up in a nearfall. In the end, Cole gets the pin on JB with a bare knee to the back of the head.

Keith Lee, Powerhouse Hobbs and Ricky Starks are backstage with Tony Schiavone. Ricky's very butthurt about Keith showing up on Rampage last week and promises the same to happen next week should Keith do the same.

Bryan Danielson strolls out with William Regal, who slides up to the commentary desk. I'm still not really feeling Bryan's theme, but Mox? Mox's theme, I love. He is looking ripped as hell as he goes down to the ring. Best Friends come out next with Danhausen and Orange Cassidy has his left arm in a sling again. Mox is on Wheeler Yuta's case first tonight, and both he and Bryan are focusing on destroying Yuta's torso with chops and claws down his back. Quick tags are beating the shit out of him and even as he tries to escape Bryan's submission tactics, he's not getting a ton of shots in. Best Friends start to get the upper hand when Chuck Taylor gets tagged in. Chuck gets Bryan in a single-leg lock, and a hell of a beating from Mox for his troubles. Bryan and Mox have only been a team for a few weeks, but they are such a well-oiled machine. I said so last week, but they fill in the gaps the other leaves. After the commercial break, Yuta's got a bit of an upper hand, but Mox is working hard to turn things around. Yuta eventually taps out after Mox pulls out a Bulldog choke hold. Regal comes out to the ring and the Best Friends gang is leaving when Yuta walks back to the ring and offers his hand to Regal to shake, who instead slaps him.

FTR is backstage with Tony Shiavone as they explain why they fired Tully Blanchard. Young Bucks roll up, and roast just about everything about them (bold words from motherfuckers with a choo choo train set of piercings). One interesting thing they mentioned is that it wouldn't matter if "you hired the best manager in the world". Rumors have said Bret Hart may be their next manager, but I don't believe it. Bret's made it clear he doesn't want to manage, but people change minds.

The Acclaimed are backstage dropping rhymes and roasts on Keith Lee. Hobbs and Starks come in with a very "the enemy of my enemy is my bro" attitude, but are interrupted by Swerve Strickland who wants a piece of their collective asses.

The newly-formed Jericho Appreciation Society comes out and I am thirsting hard, I can't even lie. Jericho has a brand new very purple vibe happening. Unfortunately, I don't know the names of any of them. What I do know is that I definitely agree with the stance of the Society. I, too, appreciate Jericho and all he has done for the industry. He, on the other hand, doesn't appreciate what we say about him, because apparently we don't appreciate him and nor does anyone else. He declares himself not a pro wrestler, but a sports entertainer. Daniel Garcia says the same about himself proudly. Jericho renames 2.0, declaring that'll never be used again and goes around the society, explaining why each member appreciates him (Daniel had his car crash recovery funded and 2.0 got hired to AEW under Jericho's request). We're told to mark this day as the Era Of The Sports Entertainer

Wardlow walks out of the Face entrance and is looking incredibly pumped for his match and to be free of MJF. Scorpio Sky comes out with American Top Team and he's cocky at first, but after the first drop, Sky doesn't look nearly as confident. Wardlow's carrying and dropping Sky everywhere with the first good hit coming as a result of a distraction from Paige Vanzant. During the commercial break, Sky supposedly got an upper hand, but it's temporary. Wardlow's got a problem with his left thigh and looking to be in more pain than I've ever seen. Dan Lambert interrupts the Powerbomb symphony, but Wardlow follows Sky out of the ring. He's about to do the 5th, but Shawn Spears walks out with two chairs in hand. With the ref distracted, MJF comes out of nowhere and bashes Wardlow's face into the ringpost, allowing Sky to get the pin. Wardlow gets a bit of a post-match beating as MJF climbs into the ring. Wardlow fights out of his numbers disadvantage and is seconds away from powerbombing him before Spears gets him with a chair. Wardlow's put in a sleeper and is half knocked out. Spears lifts his face with the chair and Wardlow flips the double bird, earning him a chair to the head. MJF pays off ATT and MJF preps his diamond ring, giving Wardlow a solid punch to the head.

Private Party dances out but given who their opponents are, who even gives a shit? THE MOTHERFUCKING HARDYS ARE HERE AND THEY'RE A TEAM AGAIN BITCHES. Jeff's got his face all done up and Matt is finally no long Big Money Matt. What he is is using all of his gimmicks all at the same time. Matt starts us off and then tags in Jeff. These two may be getting on in years, but they know each other better and are a better tag team than anyone else in the world. Private Party does not have a single fan in the building. And even fewer when they yank Matt's legs on either side of the ring post and announce to the camera "no more kids for you, Matt" (cruel; he has adorable kids). Over the commercial break, Private Party's been beating on Matt and keeping him far away from Jeff, who is looking very very concerned. As the audience chants "we want Jeff", Matt makes his escape and finally tags him in. Jeff's pulling out all the drops and sweeps and tries for a pin with a splash after taking off his shirt, but wins it with a beautiful Swanton Bomb pin on Isaiah Kassidy. Celebration is interrupted, however by the AFO who stroll out like the shit-eating motherfuckers they are (still pissed at them for being so mean to Matt). They surround the ring and are then interrupted by Darby Allin and Sting, who slide into the ring to even the odds with a skateboard and a bat respectively.

The cage begins lowering over the ring. Once commercials end, there's a 6-piece mariachi band performing. It is not the first time I've seen such a thing in wrestling, and I doubt it will be the last. Thunder Rosa walks out and is looking mighty sharp. Britt Baker follows and something feels off about her tonight. Her confidence does not look genuine at all. That's only increased by the fact that she tries to escape immediately. Rosa grates Britt's face against the cage, opening up a wound on her forehead. At some point during commercials, chairs were introduced. Rosa gets the rollup and then the pin, but the ref's been knocked out of the ring and is unconscious. Which is weird cause no cage match I've ever seen has had pinfalls be an option; only escape, but I guess this cage match is a combo of the traditional Steel Cage and Hell In A Cell. Britt slams Rosa down onto a pile of steel chairs and calls for a new ref. Audrey runs in just a second too late for Britt to get the win. Britt lifts Rosa onto the ropes and builds a bridge or a fort of some kind with the chairs before climbing onto the ropes herself. Rosa gets enough of an upper hand by whacking Britt's head against the cage, causing Britt to knock down the chair fort with her spine. Once she gets her bearings, Britt whips out the bag of tacks and bodydrops Rosa onto the tacks. After pulling on her glove, Britt tries to pull in the lockjaw, but Rosa bites down, getting the upper hand as she slams Britt's naked hand onto the tacks and then powerbombs her onto the pile. A second drop onto the tacks lets Rosa get the pin and the win. Using the blood from her forehead, Rosa spells something on her midriff (maybe DMD?) and lifts the belt in triumph

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WWE Raw March 14, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

Kevin Owens

Finn Balor

Damian Priest

Austin Theory

Seth Rollins

Omos

Commander Azeez

Liv Morgan

Rhea Ripley

Queen Zelina

Carmella

Rey & Dominik Mysterio

The Hurt Business

The Miz & Logan Paul

Edge

Bianca Belair

Doudrop

Nikki ASH

Becky Lynch

RKBro

Street Profits

Tonight's a bad night. It's opening with In Memory Of Scott Hall, 1958-2022. As of this writing, Scott has not been declared dead in another manner. The most recent update was 4 hours ago, saying that his life support has been shut off. I acknowledge this was a catch-22 and there was no right call, but I expect a full tribute show for Scott when the time comes.

Kevin Owens starts the show by strolling out rather somberly. He opens with a "Hey yo", which is a bit of an interesting choice. Everyone is booing him cause he's the heel, but Kevin's pleased as punch cause he gets to go to Wrestlemania with Steve Austin. Big fan of the phrase "superior Canadian intellect", which I will be using all the time. It now means we have a new Canada VS USA feud. Just traded Bret Hart for Kevin. This would have been a beautiful feud in 1997. I still have fairly high hopes for it. Then Kevin Stunned a cameraman.

Next up is Finn Balor, who is very happily coated in gold. I will never, ever be tired of his theme song.

Over the commerical break, after a Twitter scroll, I learned Scott has officially passed. May he rest easy and peacefully.

After the break, Damian Priest comes out for his match against Finn and then Austin Theory, who, of course, would be how I receive this news. This Damian and Finn match would be a night's highlight if I didn't have to listen to Theory. They're so damn talented. They're a titty-slappin, high-flyin, guy-droppin, hold-escapin, boot-launchin, neck-grabbin set of dudes. And because of frickin Theory, Damian wins in a good ol pinfall (I don't dislike Damian, I just hate anyone losing because of Theory).

Seth Rollins is backstage, pouting. Actually pouting. But also glaring. "Borderline catatonic" is the only thing I can agree with Corey Graves about.

Omos strolls out, still looking far too large for this Earth. But then again, so does Commander Azeez. Not gonna lie, this Apollo Crews video screen is actually the dopest shit. But I really hope Vince doesn't get too used to big guy vs big guy again. These matches tend to be slow, but it's an era of faster wrestling. This could be very cool. Christ almighty, they are so damn large. Omos gets the pin, which I'm not surprised about, but jeebus. He's like a modern-day Andre The Giant (parroting words of others on this one, and not disagreeing)

Kevin meets up with Seth backstage and says "tough times don't last, but tough guys do". He's the only one who's mentioned Scott tonight. He's giving Seth a pep talk of what he should do to create a Wrestlemania moment. Seth has an idea, but we don't know what yet.

Next up is Liv Morgan, accompanied by Rhea Ripley. I'm forced to recall the horrifically disgusting Women's Tag Match of last week that ended cause Carmella was giving Corey fuck-me eyes all match. And I know it'll happen again tonight as she accompanies Zelina to the ring. Zelina's on her game tonight. I'm not a fan of hers, but I have to admit it, because she has been dominating completely with her submission holds and surprising flexibility in holding them. There's a spinning thing going on I've never seen before where they're holding each other and swapping pins. Carmella tries to cheat, but Rhea's got Liv's back and chases her to Corey's lap. In the distraction, Liv gets the pin. Carmella refuses to stop screeching in Corey's headset as Seth dances out in a suit and no socks.

After commercial break, Seth says he's got a plan. Kevin's pep talk actually inspired him, so he wants to tell the plan with Kevin there. He wants to start a talk show of his own. A talk show of his own with Stone Cold Steve Austin as guest. Kevin says it's not a good plan. I'm inclined to agree. Seth says the winner of a match between the two of them gets to have a match with Austin. They're arguing like kids on the playground. Which can only be broken up by Sonya Deville rolling out and declaring the match to be tonight's main event. Kevin is very angry and bounced his mic across the entire ring.

Mysterios come out and they look incredibly upbeat. The happiest of anyone tonight.

Backstage, Kevin is panicking and begging Sonya to not make the match happen. She's just giggling.

In the ring, The Hurt Business are prepped for the match and then the fucking Miz and Logan Paul come out. I could pretend to not be biased, but I feel like I could do a lot of violence against them tonight. They're on guest commentary, but I just want to watch Dominik. He's so good and when he does eventually become a solo wrestler, he's gonna do so well. There's no commentary being done on the match, and every second shot is of both of these goddamn yahoos. Making fun of Rey for being short, like that's original. After a double 619 and then a Dominik Frog Splash into a pin for the win, the Nitwits come to ambush the Mysterios and I am sickened.

Creepy Edge is next. I think this may be a new theme, but I haven't been paying attention to his themes. He's creepy now. Upon further listening, this is definitely a new theme. It's kinda cool. He says he's been given the truth and that we wouldn't get it cause we're simple. This feels like a combo of Damien Sandow and MJF, but creepy. And not the good creepy. The 'Edge, get off the drugs' creepy. We no longer matter to him (his words). Apparently the Edge who cared is dead and he now sits, unjudged, on a mountain of omnipotence. The crowd is sharing their judgement with chants of "you suck" and "you still suck". Edge says he's still willing to fight AJ, then looks up like he's receiving a divine calling. He's gigglin.

Next is Bianca Belair backstage who says her hair is both an advantage and disadvantage. She only whipped Becky Lynch with it because Becky used it against her two weeks ago. Absolutely valid to me. Doudrop comes out for the match with Nikki ASH. Scottish girls partnering up and I love it. If Doudrop didn't have to job to Bianca tonight, this would be a really cool match. Cause these two have incredibly different strengths and I'm fascinated by it. Unstoppable force vs immovable object, as Gorilla Monsoon would say.

When we get back, tables are turned and Doudrop is using her power to her advantage. In return, Bianca's using her speed to hers. She spinebusts Doudrop and KODs her in the middle of the ring, getting the win. To everyone's surprise, Becky Lynch comes out, wearing too much gold and begins beating on Bianca, using her braid and a steel chair. She sticks Bianca's head in the chair, then yanks her by the braid into the ring post, crushing her throat in the chair. That was a deeply nasty bump. I've got the same gut feeling I had with Big E when he broke his neck...

New Raw Tag Team Champions RKBro come out next. This is the first good moment of tonight for me. I was so excited when they won last week and I'm still so happy about them. I can't and will not lie. Last championship celebration was interrupted by AJ Styles and Omos. And Riddle gave Randy a scooter. But now the former team is broken up. But Alpha Academy isn't. I suspect they'll be showing up tonight. Wouldn't mind not though. They have balloons and Randy loves Riddle and everything is perfect. Randy's straight up ignoring Edge and Rated-RKO, but whatever. I don't even care. This is a sweet and beautiful moment. RANDY MADE THIS PARTY. HE MADE THE BALLOONS. HE TRIED. THAT'S WHAT COUNTS. Not just that, but gifts. Concession stand popcorn, bubblegum and a green bag that was searched "high and low" for. Except the Street Profits roll out before we find out what Randy got for Riddle. Unfortunately, they're not there to party. They're there for bidness. Which involves a challenge for the title. Randy rejects their challenge because he doesn't respect how little they worked for the honor to challenge (they didn't do an academic decathlon). Profits say they're not requesting; they're ordering. Except Randy's never listened to anyone except the voices in his head. After some convincing from Riddle, the challenge is finally accepted. After a diss on Randy's party, Riddle sticks up for his boy and accepts a match from Montez.

Said match starts super grapply because Riddle is a squirmy, slippery boy. Riddle got pantsed a tiny bit but it's okay. These two are an excellent matchup that should be done very often. They have intense, amateur-style wrestling with a decent amount of high-flying, but not constantly in the air. I'm firmly convinced that if these two were given the time, they could have a fully iconic match. Kicks to the chest, splashes, near-falls, god it's good stuff. Until the commentators made a Harry Potter joke. Ick. Get some class. Riddle's learning Randy's moves and using them perfectly. Everything is perfect until Otis slams Randy into a barricade and Chad Gable whacks Dawkins. Otis then hits Riddle on the barricade corner and the match is won by Riddle via disqualification. Chad crashes down onto Montez twice and then kisses Otis's cheek.

And now they're finally mentioning Scott properly. None of the commentators look actually upset, but I'm not saying anything about it. A video package plays with some of Scott's best moments and interviews with his best friends. I'm going to keep my commentary on the package to myself because they're not constructive to this recap.

Seth is groovin backstage in his leather and fur coat. I miss depressed Seth. He's too happy now. Wrestlemania really doesn't need Seth Rollins, contrary to what he says. He heads out to the ring with Kevin, who looks very very worried. He vocalises it very loudly. Loud enough to be heard without a mic. They're hardly wrestling; just beating each other to hell. In a perfect world, Kevin could win right now. He should win. Seth has no beef with Austin. Unless it leads to Kevin teaming with Austin to beat up Seth. That could be nice.

He's got Seth in a rancid ankle lock and starts really focusing on the left knee. After the commercial break, Kevin drops 2 Tornado DDTs. Seth kicks out. Kevin goes down after a flying knee to the head and a spear. He ain't looking too good, frankly. Seth explains how bad he needs this very loudly (they've got the ring so mic'd up). A ref distraction saves Kevin's ass and then he pins Seth with a final stunner. I'm very pleased he's won. It's been a very long night.

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smack-raw-dynamite · 2 years

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AEW Rampage March 11, 2022

Who's on the card?

Marq Quen & Isaiah Kassidy

Darby Allin & Sting

AFO

Hardy Brothers

American Top Team

Mercedes Martinez

Jamie Hayter

Keith Lee

QT Marshall

The Factory

Powerhouse Hobbs

Ricky Starks

Mark Henry

Swerve Strickland

Tony Nese

Marq Quen and Darby Allin kick things off. Sting's watching Darby practically dominate the match. He's got Marq locked down in a side headlock and won't let go. Even when he's thrown off, he gets it back on almost immediately. That's until sidekicks get involved and Darby gets tossed around a bit more, getting him down to his knees. He doesn't look like he's doing too well, but Darby is a tough mofo. No matter how tough he is, he's still buckling under a rib injury that's softened Darby up far beyond comfort. He wiggles out of a vertical supplex and climbs up to reach a coffin drop, but Isaiah tries to knock him off. Sting throws Isaiah against a table, distracting Darby enough for Marq to shove him down, making him land on the ropes on his ribs. Marq then does a Darby-style jump onto the floor, almost causing Darby to be counted out. He's hardly moving or breathing, but he locks in a solid armbar when Marq jumps from the top rope, making him tap out. The AFO walks out (formerly the AHFO), and they're interrupted by the very very pretty Hardy Brothers, both of whom are in very very pretty fishnet shirts. They are serving 1999 and killing it.

Dan Lambert promises that nothing will change in San Antonio and Wardlow has no chance of getting a belt. We'll see.

Mercedes Martinez and Jamie Hayter get very grapply in the next match. Very slow, methodical, grabbing and trying to suplex each other. Mercedes is the first to go down to her knees. These two are marvelous workers. They're not flashy and dramatic, but this is the kind of match you study to be a better grappler. The butterfly suplex was just so pretty aesthetically. Could watch it forever, really. Jamie scores the pin with the laureate and a good amount of help from Britt Baker and company. Thunder Rosa comes to Mercedes' protection with a chair and chases off the would-be assailants.

Hikaru Shida cuts a rather biting promo, promising to cut Serena Deeb's head off at the next chance she gets (if I had a nickle for every head-cutting threat I saw tonight, I'd have 3 nickles)

Keith Lee is serving maximum cunt as he walks down to the ring. He could never at NXT, though not for lack of trying. QT Marshall, on the other hand, is looking about as threatening as buttered toast that's been left on a plate and got damp from condensation. Keith agrees via headbutt and is just so cheerful as he makes QT's life a living hell. To QT's credit, I've never seen someone sell a chop like that. Nor have I seen someone celebrate every hit they get. QT tries for a diamond cutter, but he just isn't strong enough to take him down. Keith tosses and pins him easy. Other members of The Factory try to attack him after, followed by Powerhouse Hobbs and Ricky Starks. Hobbs powerbombs Keith and really for no reason.

Mark Henry opens the main event of Tony Nese vs Swerve Strickland. Tony is whining about not being loved and Swerve is a cocky, self-declared 'mogul'. There's 14 minutes of TV time remaining and maybe I should care, but wrestlers can't depend on their prior reputations. I didn't watch NXT. All I have to go on is this week's appearances. And as of yet, I'm not impressed by Swerve. After a few more minutes, I'm a little more impressed. Swerve can flip. Guys who can flip are always entertaining. But Tony is just literally looking like a fool. Smartest thing he's done is use the skirt as a weapon by temporarily blinding Swerve and kicking him. Of course, when it starts getting exciting, we go to picture in picture. Tony's got Swerve in a lock of some kind I can't identify due to small. When it's bigger, I can see they're body scissors. Tony's kind of beating Swerve's ass. With 5 minutes left, it's anyone's match. Tony crunched Swerve's throat on the top rope, but it's looking like his only upper hand until he gets him in a fireman's carry. Nearfall on Swerve, but not quite. They're both tired and slowly beating on each other with chops and kicks. With a top rope stomp, Swerve gets the pin.

END OF SHOW

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smack-raw-dynamite · 2 years

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WWE Smackdown March 11, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

Brock Lesnar

Paul Heyman

Ridge Holland & Sheamus

New Day

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Sami Zayn

Johnny Knoxville

Drew McIntyre

Viking Raiders

Baron Corbin & Madcap Moss

Jinder Mahal & Shanky

Ronda Rousey

Charlotte Flair

Sasha Banks & Naomi

Rick Boogs & Shinsuke Nakamura

Shayna Baszler & Natalya

The Usos

Ricochet

Austin Theory

Starting tonight off with some good ol cowboy Brock. He's supposedly very angry because of the events at MSG last weekend (he got beat up by Roman). It has taken him 6 minutes to get into the ring and actually talk. He's trying to talk south? I think? He mostly just wants to beat the shit out of Roman ("You done screwed up, Roman"). Out comes Paul Heyman to introduce Roman, except he then says Roman ain't here. "If Roman ain't here, who's gonna protect you, Paul?" in other words, Paul is officially the most fucked man. Brock is surprisingly very fast, but Paul escapes in a vehicle.

In an interview, Ridge Holland and Sheamus say they did not actually destroy Big E's ATV last week; they made it better. They want to host a fight night and have very large sledge hammers and a fellow who goes by Butch.

New Day come out to the ring, looking very chipper and bouncy, but serious once the commercial break ends. Ridge, Sheamus and Butch stroll out to the ring and Big E and Kofi are right on their asses. These boys have intent to fuck up. Butch is chilling in front of the commentator table, looking like a twinky Victorian pickpocket. The commentators are making this entire fight be about the destroyed ATV which sounds exactly like arguments I overheard on the first Grade playground. Sheamus and Big E are beating the absolute shit out of each other and they're really the stars of the match so far. Watching this match, I'm so upset that Big E didn't get to do more as a singles competitor. He deserved a lot more. But what he definitely did not deserve the fullass head drop by Ridge outside the ring. It looked like a pretty rancid bump. Butch distracts Kofi just enough for Sheamus to get the pin. Big E is "being tended to by medical personnel"

I've been informed by commercial break tumblr scrolling that 'Butch' is actually Pete Dunne. I did not recognize him. I am horrified and saddened.

A buggy rolls up in a pre-taped promo. Stone Cold Steve Austin steps out. He promises to open up one last can of whoop-ass on Kevin Owens. I, for one, believe it will definitely happen. Pat McAffee did a fairly decent impression of him after.

An interview with Sami Zayn, who objects to the name 'former Intercontinental Champion'. According to TMZ footage, Johnny Knoxville flew Sami's phone number on a banner over Los Angeles. Sami's not prepared for his match cause everyone has been texting him incessantly today, but he doesn't even care.

Certified babe Drew McIntyre rolls out for the 6-man tag team match and he is looking rather jubilant tonight. He's teaming up with The Viking Raiders except backstage, the raiders are being beat to shit by Baron Corbin, Madcap Moss, Jinder Mahal and Shanky, who then come out to ambush Drew. It's 4 on 1 as they all get into the ring and Corbin's all high and mighty until Drew starts clearing the ring one by one. Drew whips out Angela and agrees to Corbin's Wrestlemania challenge.

Ronda Rousey comes out and she's actually smiling. She actually looks like a face and not just a bitch. Don't know what happened over the last week, but she got her smile back a la Shawn Michaels. Says she's honoring her first mentor, Kurt Angle, by using an ankle lock now too. Charlotte Flair then takes her damn sweet time walking down to the ring and says she didn't actually tap out last week because her outfit was expensive and cumbersome. Charlotte promises embarrassment and to make Ronda tap out at Wrestlemania.

Sasha Banks and Naomi come out for their tag team match. But before their match, another episode of Off Road with Rick Boogs and Shinsuke Nakamura. They're going surfing and are complete and total delights. I wish them both all of life's happiness. Over the commercial break, Shayna Baszler and Natalya come out and are being excessively vicious to Naomi. They retaliate by throwing Natalya at Queen Zelina and Carmella, who are sitting with the commentators and making me personally sick. Sasha gets the pin against Natalya and I can't wait for the belts to change hands so the current champions can fade into obscurity.

The Usos are next and are gonna "unlock the penitentiary", whatever the hell that means. These dudes are talking about having the belts for a year like they haven't cheated at literally every match thus far. We are saved, however, by the blessing of Rick and Shinsuke. They proclaim themselves next champions, but Rick's got a bogus-looking knee, so of course he's challenged to a one-on-one match against Jey. If Rick wins, they get a Wrestlemania match. Luckily, since he's a sneaky lad, Rick actually has no injury at all. He's doing reps with Jey. Literally reps over his head. He almost gets pinned from a distraction, but pins Jey happily. And then is viciously hit from behind by Jimmy, cause, as I mentioned, they're cheats (I know it isn't cheating, but they're still scum).

Next is an IC rematch of Sami Zayn and Ricochet. But they're not alone. Austin Theory strolls out, looking every bit the motherfucker. He walks right by to sit with the commentators. The match is supposed to start, but Pat McAffee jumps the table and begins laying a beatdown on Theory and he has never been sexier to me. I don't like McAffee that much, but I could have sucked his dick like one of those crazy straws after punching Theory. McAffee and Theory are both escorted out by security, but it's relatively ineffective.

Michael Cole is now the only commentator as the match actually starts after the commercial break. Ricochet's jumping and flying like he's allergic to the ground. There's enough kicks to the head that I no longer wonder why Sami's the way he is. He may be jumpy and flippy like no one else, but Sami is doing a pretty good job at countering it. Ricochet pins Sami and retains with the 630.

Backstage, Charlotte and Ronda are beating the ever-loving piss out of each other. Security can't restrain them. Nor can they stop Charlotte from suplexing Ronda onto a car.

END OF SHOW

Note: After the show, it was announced that the bump Big E took resulted in a broken neck

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smack-raw-dynamite · 2 years

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AEW Dynamite March 9, 2022

Who's on the card tonight?

Chris Jericho

Eddie Kingston

2.0 / Daniel Garcia

Santana & Ortiz

Jake Hager

Dante Martin

Hangman Adam Page

Adam Cole

Bryan Danielson/Jon Moxley & William Regal

The Workhorsemen

Dark Order

Wheeler Yuta & Orange Cassidy & Danhausen

Bastard Pac

Red Dragon

Young Bucks

FTR

AHFO

Darby Allin & Sting

JEFF HARDY WTF

Wardlow

QT Marshall

Keith Lee

Jurassis Express & Christian Cage

The Acclaimed

Layla Hirsch

Thunder Rosa

Britt Baker

Scorpio Sky & Ethan Page & Dan Lambert

Sammy Guevara

Tay Conti

Paige Vanzant

Hoo baby we've got Judas starting before JR even gets us going and Uncle Jericho with his hair down. He's seeming a lot more happy than at Revolution.

Jericho considers his match against Eddie on Sunday to be the best match of his AEW career and he's incredibly pleased with both of them. He feels bad about not shaking Eddie's hand as promised and invites Eddie out.

Eddie comes out and says Jericho got into his head. Says he almost gave into his demons and shut down the disrespectful crowd (motherfucker was doing the What chant like Stone Cold was in the house). But he didn't. Eddie powered through and he did it for us. God bless his soul. He did us proud.

They apologize. They make up. They shake hands as they should. And then 2.0 and Daniel Garcia come up and beat up both of them. Santana and Ortiz follow with a bat to defend their buddy. And then Jericho takes the bat and fucking BEATS THEM UP WHAT THE HELL CHRIS

Hager comes out and looks like he's freaking out at Jericho and then JOINS IN??? God it's only been 12 minutes and this is some kind of demented shitshow of heel turns, finished off with Jericho bonks Eddie in the melon with a bat and Hager powerbombs him off the ring onto a table (that really did look like a bad bump)

Heel turn is complete with the laying down of Inner Circle vests and the announcement of the Jericho Appreciation Society. I am devastated

Second segment; this one a battle for the AEW World Championship. Dante Martin V Hangman Adam Page. I'm still reeling from the disintegration of the Inner Circle. Dante's got a mustache and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Mustache or no, he's still the flippiest boi. Both of them are. Flippies and jumpies and kicks and it's like watching Evil Gymnastics. Commercial break, so I go to get garlic bread and crackers. Carbs help me stay awake until 11pm after 12 hours of classes. Kinda worried the fact that it's the second segment means there will be no new champion. Which is cool cause Hangman is a sweetie, but Dante is therefore getting beat up for no reason. Boy gets so pink

Commercial break over and I swear this lad is half bird. Like a kicky bird. Is there a kind of bird who kicks? Ostriches? Dante's like an ostrich I think. I love ring post cams. You can see EVERYTHING. A closeup of Dante after he's almost pinned and he legit has a bird tattoo on his arm. I think it's a sparrow. I take it back, this is not evil gymnastics, it's beautiful ballet. Except Dante's pinned with a buckshot laureate (is that how you spell it?) Either way, Hangman retains

Schiavone comes out in his lil suit. Hangman calls Dante back to the ring. Says he knows Darius is back and they'll be going for the Tag belts, but if Dante comes back, he'll be happy to have a rematch.

And then Adam Cole shows his face. He spittin straight lies. Calling Hangman lucky and whatnot. Challenges Hangman to a 6-Man Tag Team match and says Hangman can use whoever he want. Cause he's got "friends that are my friends, not yours". This literally sounds like a preschool recess argument.

Third Segment. Bryan Danielson walks out with William Regal. Then Mox comes out through the audience. I hadn't seen Regal in my life until last Sunday so I don't know him yet, but I'm excited to. Just feel bad for The Workhorsemen, who are getting the shit kicked out of them within seconds. I give it five minutes before this match ends bloodily. Bryan's small but Goddamn is he kicky. He and Mox have such different styles, but they're so good at beating the shit out of people together. Match made in Evil Heaven (NOT Hell). These poor goddamn jobbers should be screaming, crying, throwing up, but not in the good way. They've gotten chops and the occasional slap. Maybe one or two kicks. Bryan's got a Labelle Lock and Silver Fox Otis (not his name, but there's something wrong with the commentary mics tonight and I can't hear a thing) taps right out.

I knew deep in my soul William Regal was British. I knew he was. Hearing him have a British accent is still weird. Do I just forget that British accents exist? Yes. Regal is hardcore flirting with Tony Schiavone. This is literally actually very gay. I think he outright called Tony gay. "Never found a sailor" what does that mean? Literally Regal what does that mean? And now he's telling a love story to Bryan. Or about Bryan. Called him "The Perfect Wrestler". Said Bryan "Doesn't have the problems I had" and then turned very slowly to Mox. God, this whole thing feels like a weird gay love triangle. Why did I not know about this? Why did no one tell me?

Fourth Segment. Dark Order has an interview and Hangman apologizes. Everything is chill and Dark Order asks to be his tag partners next week and are so bummed when Hangman says he picks Jurassic Express, who asked him in the hallway.

Fifth Segment. Orange Cassidy is out of ring action, but accompanies Wheeler Yuta to the ring with Danhausen. Pac comes out with his cronies, whose names I missed. Think one of them is Penta. This match has been going on a full commercial break and I'm still more entertained watching Danhausen. Figured out the reason I can't hear commentary is cause the ring is so mic'd up. Which is cool, but why have commentators otherwise? There was a pretty spectacular brainbuster against Yuta, who taps after looking 100% like a dead fish.

Sixth Segment. Cole is surrounded with his four bestie tag teams. Brags about having perfect partners who "live in Hangman's head 24/7". Young Bucks respectfully decline the offer cause they didn't want to fight Hangman and Cole has to backpedal a TON as he says it was obviously gonna be Red Dragon. There's so much history here and I have not watched enough NXT to get it all.

Seventh Segment. FTR is having some inner tensions with Tully. By that, I mean they fired him

Eighth Segment. AHFO Emergency Meeting. Andrade wants to fire Matt, which I will not stand for. Matt calls Private Party his kids and says he becomes an asshole when he wears a suit (which is true, but I miss it anyway). Oh God, Matt's gonna be voted out to join Jeff isn't he oh damn oh fuck I don't know if I want to know oh fuck oh Christ he's being voted out and I know it's for Jeff please Jeff for my birthday? Matt's getting voted out and viciously attacked as the Hardy Family Office is disintegrated. I would be in the depths of despair if this wasn't obviously a Jeff setup

Darby rolls out with Sting (metaphorically; they actually just stroll). We've got a brawl going on and Matt's still got JEFF

HOLY FUCK IT'S JEFF I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN BUT I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN HOLY SHIT IT'S JEFF OH MY GOD HE FULLASS JUST SWANTON BOMBED AND THEY'RE HUGGING AND MATT'S CRYING AND THEY'RE STARING DOWN DARBY AND STING

Ninth Segment. I KNOW SWERVE AND TONY NESE ARE HERE BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE IT'S JEFF I KNEW JEFF MAY SHOW UP TODAY BUT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN I think Swerve and Nese are gonna beat each other up sometime soon. Maybe Friday, maybe next Wednesday

Tenth Segment. Schiavone's here again. Must be a chatty week. Welcomes out Button-Up-And-Tight-Pants-Wardlow. Oh this baby is smirky and I think he has a boner. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard Wardlow talk before. He wants to follow his dreams, but says working for MJF was like being in a cage (it was). "You'll have to forgive me for associating with such trash" oh my gosh this is the face turn of the century. Wardlow just wants to provide for his Mama. Babygirl, this is GROWTH. Wardlow is getting out of a toxic relationship and I am SO proud of him. He has officially quit the Pinnacle and freed himself. He's surprisingly really good on the mic and I didn't expect that from him. He is on the WARPATH and is gonna be CHAMP in his VERY tight pants.

Eleventh Segment. QT Marshall wants to team up with Keith Lee against Team Taz. "Keith, we've got your back" "I happen to have a very large back. I'm good" GOLD

Twelfth Segment. JURASSIC EXPRESS AND CHRISTIAN CAGE MY DEARESTS. The Acclaimed my beloatheds. Dropping rhymes about gas prices, Christian being cool, Luchasaurus being lame, JB having never seen boobs and unable to grow pubes (I don't like them, but I do look forward to the raps every week). Really wish I knew who was who in The Acclaimed, but I'm honestly indifferent to them beyond the raps. They're why they're coolish.

While scrolling, I learned Regal actually said Schiavone never had a good tailor, not a good sailor. Which makes more sense, but is only vaguely less gay

This is a good tag team match, but I've seen better. I love Jurassic Express and all, but this match just ain't doing much for me. I feel like I've seen it before. Opponents beat on JB, he almost loses, he tags in Luchasaurus and then Lucha brings the squished win. Except I don't see Lucha. I see Caster trying to bring out a weapon and Christian taking him down and JB getting a very very pretty pin on Bowens. They retain

Thirteenth Segment. Layla Hirsch and Thunder Rosa. Rosa's SERVING the headdress she's got going on. Now this is an interesting style. Very Greco-Roman kind of thing. Or so I assume. The stream crapped out a few moments, but when I get it working again, they're still doing very grapply things, which I'm not minding at all. I like watching Women's wrestling be scientific and not just showy. Rosa does a very good suplex and I could watch that on repeat for a long time. Poor Layla is just a little bit too short to get into the ring safely, but she tries to pull out a turnbuckle to use as a weapon. Red Velvet foils her and shoves her back in. Rosa pins Layla, but she looks like she busted something in her left arm.

Schiavone reveals Rosa will get a Steel Cage match against Britt Baker as a Title Match, exactly 1 year after her last time.

In her interview, Britt does some whining and some conspiracy theorizing. Calls Rosa "Carnie Riffraff" (which should be my nickname, I love that)

Fourteenth Segment. Scorpio Sky gives a good ol strut out and I gotta be honest, I don't think I've ever seen him wrestle and have barely ever heard his name. Did not recognize him until I saw Ethan Page. Now Sammy Guevara, I know. He's not wearing his Inner Circle vest, which only makes my heart hurt again. Can't accept it's over yet.

May have never heard of Sky before, but he ain't half bad. Poor taste in friends and a little cowardly, but he takes a beating like a champ. Sammy's whipping out a table, but I don't remember this being a weapon match. He drags Sky onto the table and Sky rolls right off after Sammy flips off the top rope and fullass implodes the table underneath himself. Picture-In-Picture starts, but it's just of Sammy writhing in pain and holding his girlfriend's hand. He's pointing to his ribs and there's a second ref out. Sky's all partying and whatnot, but it's not looking like Sammy will continue. He's just kinda limping away, hardly able to walk. Halfway up the ramp, he can suddenly walk back and makes it into the ring long enough to spit and slap. Sky tosses him out of the ropes again and his precious girlfriend (Tay Conti?) is doting on him. I think it's Tay. It's almost 11pm and my brain power is fading fast.

I hate when heels are cocky and lose as a result. Sky could have pinned him years ago. He's just extending this to cause agony. Literally just backbreaks him, but Sammy kicks out, through his incredibly painful pain. Tay's smacking the mat like it's a very naughty anvil who owes her money. Every time he needs to move fast, Sammy just kinda forgets his intense pain. Not selling it great, but I dunno, maybe he's fine (at some point, he started holding his other ribs)

Ethan Page starts yelling at Tay, distracting Sammy long enough to let Sky pin him, getting a new TNT champion out of the matter. Enjoy it while you can, Sky. You're gonna get your ass deFEATED on Friday when Wardlow gets his hands on you.

Paige Vanzant signs an AEW contract on Tay's ass as Tay lies over her dude's fallen body in the middle of the ring

END OF SHOW

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