slowly-backs-away

[slowly-backs-away]

OP also turned off reblogs for this but it has to be said

[slowly-backs-away]

hello beloveds ☺️

[slowly-backs-away]

whatever

[slowly-backs-away]

[slowly-backs-away]

[slowly-backs-away]

When I was a kid my family pretended to get raptured so I would think I was left behind on earth while they all went to heaven.

I was like 8 years old and my sister and mom had gotten really into the Left Behind novels (bible fan fic about the rapture). In the books when the rapture happened the clothes that people were wearing when they got raptured were left behind in neatly folded piles.

One day when I was getting home from school my family decided that they would leave piles of neatly folded clothes around the house, and then hide in the basement.

The intended effect was that I would get home and see the clothes then, think that my family had been raptured and that I wasn’t good enough to get into heaven… or something?

The problem was that I had never read these books, and didn’t really think about the rapture very often. There was no reason that I would see some laundry on the floor and think “The rapture happened and I’ve been abandoned by God! I’ll never see my family again!! Oh nooo!!!!”

I just sat down and watched cartoons and eventually my family got bored and revealed that they were all hiding in the basement.

It’s a good thing I didn’t understand the joke, otherwise that shit would have been traumatic.

[slowly-backs-away]

As with the horse poll, please regard these options as sliders. The extent to which each one deviates from 1/6th of the total will determine the amount that canine aspect deviates from the "average."

I will draw the dog we make. :)

[slowly-backs-away]

[slowly-backs-away]

hey. why can i enable subliminal weight loss mantras in bejeweled 3

[slowly-backs-away]

its crazy growing up and realizing how deranged everyone is and how many problems everyone has. in such mundane ways. your waiter at olive garden believes in q anon. the woman doing your x ray just moved in with a guy she met a week ago. your insurance agent is a hoarder. etc.

[slowly-backs-away]

blah blah Bethesda bad anyway

my favorite thing about Elder Scrolls is how goddamn fuckin weird it is

like on surface it's just some dnd game but like even a cursory glance shows tis fucking insane like:

The moons is the corpse of a god

the stars are actually holes in reality when alot of primordial spirits hated that mortals were becoming a thing and fucked off

The demon lord of forbidden knowledge/resident Cthulhu stand-in might also be the beta version of the entire fucking universe made sentient when it wasn't chosen to be the used reality

there are cat ppl that take the form of furrys, lions, or regular cats, so you can have a cursing Pirate legend whose an alcoholic & wanted in 5 countries but is also a like basic tabby cat

the wood elves are so pro-nature they're cannibals and also they murder vegetarians

Vampires came from the Lord of Rape doing well ya know

Werewolves came to exist bc the lord of hunt got bored and is a furry

sex is treated like a fucking ip copyright contract on what aspect of sex is happening and what god it's under. There's been many religious wars about this

The lizard ppl are part tree

the Dwarves all fucked off somewhere and disappeared bc they were so atheist they did math to break relativity and literally no one has any idea where they went God or mortal (except maybe Cthulhu and hes not telling)

Said Cthulhu stand-in treats hiding your grandma's secret cookie recipe & hiding a spell that would end the universe and slay a god the exact same and he will murder you for either

Everyone wants to fuck the Orcs but will never admit it and they got so bent out of shape that a demon god killed the og orc god, ate him, and shat him out bc she couldn't deal with everyone complimenting them all the time so now all Orcs are cursed to be hated but they're all still sexy & so is their god

And all this isnt even the tip of the iceberg

[slowly-backs-away]

[slowly-backs-away]

BEHOLD...

you're welcome ✨

[slowly-backs-away]

anyone around me in any context: my main goal…

me to myself for the next ten seconds: don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

[slowly-backs-away]

welcome to EVIL SCHOOL heres your timetable for the day first you have SHADOW MATH then after that you have CREEPY BIOLOGY then GYM

[slowly-backs-away]

how?? just how?

[slowly-backs-away]