slfshmachines

[slfshmachines]

“I hate you.”

I wish that wasn’t what I had to tell you all the time, that I could be more direct. You know what I’d rather say, but that doesn’t make the feeling equivalent.

I wasn’t designed for games like this. I want my love to feel like a freshly lit fireplace after a long walk home in the snow. I want to be comforting.

I was never meant to be abrasive like this. I don’t want thorns. I was designed for vulnerability. I just wish you didn’t hurt so much that you can’t accept pure affection from someone who adores you like no one else.

I wish you knew how I look at you when you turn around. The side of me everyone else sees in regards to you. The way I talk about you. Even when it isn’t positive, it all comes from yearning.

I wonder if you’ve had chances like this since your last, if you just wouldn’t let yourself enjoy something. I wonder if you’re starting to feel safe with me.

To me, love is selflessness. Love is a pull on your chest to care for someone else, to want to provide for them, to want to make them feel valued. I can only hope you feel a shred of what im trying to share with you.

I love looking into your eyes and losing myself in them. I love holding you close to my chest, letting your hair lace between my fingers. I love feeling you breathe against my skin. I love the feeling of your arms sliding around me when you get tired and put your phone away. I love hearing you start snoring while you lay against me. I love feeling close to you.

I wish I could kiss every freckle on your face.

I wish you were here with me.

[slfshmachines]

I feel like you’ll never really understand the way this is from my end. Every day I waste my time wondering what you’re going to do. Missing you. Wanting you.

That’s all I do, every day and every night. I sit around and yearn for you. I wonder what I have to do to help you understand I would never do anything to hurt you. I wonder how in the world I’m supposed to tell you that you mean the world to me considering how you are and what’s happened.

I wonder if you’ll ever have the capacity to love me, to care about me, to respect me.

I get so upset when I doubt you. You give me so many reasons to be wary, yet I never want to think you’d do something like that. Something you *have* done. I have so much unjustified faith in you. I want to believe you can change. I want to believe you want this for yourself, not just to please others.

I don’t want this. I want you. But this is so hard.

I haven’t done anything to deserve the way you’ve treated me. All I’ve done is love and care for you. All I’ve ever wanted is to love you and help you feel like it’s safe to express your feelings, your doubts, your fears.

All I’ve wanted this whole time is to be your safe space, and all I’ve got in return is questions. More and more and more questions. More and more fears. More and more doubts. I want to help you heal, and you’re making me have to heal myself from you.

I don’t want to wind up as another example that you ruin everything you touch. Please let yourself be loved.

I promise you deserve it.

[slfshmachines]

It hurts so much to constantly have to guess how you feel, to constantly try to read you. I always feel like if you really felt this way, I wouldn’t have to play these games. If you wanted me, I would know. You’d let me.

Sometimes I’m just at a loss as to how you can do this to me. As soon as you feel like I’m back nothing is serious anymore. I feel like you get off on my tears.

And yet I sit around every night, thinking about you. My every conscious thought is just you. I wish I never felt the need to write these things about you. It feels wrong. I know it’s real if I feel it, but it feels wrong to not try to see the good in you.

I don’t know why I still believe you’re good.

I shouldn’t have the hope in you that I do.

Do you know what you want?

Are you shoving my heart aside to get it? Teasing it with promises before you rip them away? Careful for mere days, and then the effort is done for you.

Why have I never been worth any amount of work to you? I wouldn’t even be mad if you just told me the truth. It hurts so much. I hate not knowing.

Why do I insist on giving you things you’ve never come to deserve? Why do I want you happy even if you’re making me miserable? I wish loving you didn’t bring me to tears every night. I don’t regret it, I just wish you made it easier. You know how I feel, why can’t you repay that to me? Why can’t you tell me exactly how you feel? I spend all my time trying to understand things I’m never told.

I wish I wasn’t like this too. Scared and confused one moment and sappy the next. In a way, you make me this way. I’ve changed so much since October. I wonder if you can see it.

I wonder if this was what you wanted all along

I wonder everything. I think about everything. I think about the things you might’ve said to her while you were inside her. I think of the ways you might’ve moved her to get more comfortable. If you held her after.

I couldn’t shake it at work. And I realized, this would’ve never happened had our places been swapped.

You would’ve never done this to her just because of your desire for me.

If the roles were swapped, you wouldn’t have done this to her. You would’ve picked her every time.

I wonder what I did to deserve any of this.

I feel like I’m watching my own story from the sidelines. I feel so helpless all the time. I have no control over anything. You have so much power over me and you never let me get rid of it.

I wonder if it was ever real.