sleepless-streetss

[sleepless-streetss]

I feel so poisonous. Sometimes I swear I can feel the poison snaking through my veins, polluting the air, tainting the water, absorbing into the food... everything I touch feels dirty. Disgusting. Repulsive.

Like me.

#C

[sleepless-streetss]

[sleepless-streetss]

Little life update on this Friday night. The school year is coming to a close, 27 days until summer and I can feel the hum of adventure in my bones. I never did enjoy sitting still but I’m always working on something, so relaxing isn’t in the cards this year. Graduation is on the horizon and for some reason, that thought makes me incredibly anxious. I’ll at least have one more degree to attain after this one though. Maybe it’s the thought that after this, what is there? It’s like I always knew I would eventually complete my graduate degree, but I’m suddenly feeling so old. Old enough to finally realize how much I have missed out on because of how closed off I am as an individual. The words “unlovable” ringing in my head lately now don’t taste as bitter, because he was right. I don’t think E ever mean to hurt me, I think he was just being honest. I am unlovable not because no one can love me, but because I won’t let them. I hope he’s okay, but I don’t think back on that relationship and miss him. I know that sounds odd, I just don’t. I never had that sort of connection with him. It always felt forced and I’m glad he called me out for it. I would have settled. He was a nice guy, but he wasn’t mine and I knew it. Maybe it’s because I haven’t felt like I could love someone since 2020, but it’s not just people. I can’t love anything. I can’t love writing anymore, I can’t love art any longer, or TV shows I used to binge. I can’t love any Taylor swift song, let alone listen to her new album. The pandemic did more than just affect my heart physically, it stole it from me mentally. Before he left completely, I was taping who I used to be in pieces across my chest, attempting to salvage the past version of me he seemed to love. After, I never could fit them back together.

I have to be someone new to fix it. And I’m trying. I’m really, really trying. I’ve moved cities, I’ve switched schools, I teach a different grade level, I’m working not only as a teacher but as an unpaid AP as well (intern year sucks), I do yoga (terribly, I can *almost* touch my toes again), and I’ve read everything I can get my hands on. I’m fighting so hard to get my feelings back.

I want to love the world again. But I feel like I’ve forgotten how to love, at all. I can’t love anymore. I don’t know how to. It’s like something has been amputated from my soul and I am learning to live without it.

How strange it is to experience the phantom pains of that feeling though. I can’t put it into words perfectly, but somehow, when I’m near the water on an evening with a breeze, it still sings in the deepest part of my soul. It’s still there.

#personal

[sleepless-streetss]

One day I will stop falling in love with you. Until I do, I'll be thinking of you.

k.b. // laufey, philharmonia orchestra - let you break my heart again

[sleepless-streetss]

Sometimes,

When I’m sleepy and also simultaneously wide awake,

I can feel the past and the future pushing in on me like I’m trapped.

Like a pinched piece of paper

I can’t get to unfurl.

My present won’t lay right because it’s crinkled

Between memories and things I’m still working through.

I’ve been wadding up problems and stuffing them in pockets for as long as I can remember.

Eventually the trash pile becomes so high I’m forced to clean house,

And I miss you in these moments the most.

Because when I’m wandering in pools of pain you’ve swam through with me and the waves are drowning me

You always pulled me up on a dock.

You were the only person I couldn’t hide from.

I can’t reach out anymore.

So now my hand reaches aimlessly for air that isn’t nearly are warm as your palm.

I don’t know why I still feel this way

It hurts.

I’m not going to be loved in this lifetime, am I?

Some nights I get to the conclusion that I am destined to do nothing on this earth but burn.

I’m sorry you had to witness the flames.

[sleepless-streetss]

I know we don’t talk anymore,

And I do believe that’s for the best (for you)

But sometimes I get so frustrated of reading something incredibly profound

And not having you to call and read the quote to.

Because I know you’d get it.

I know you’d read between the lines and understand how it ties into how I’m feeling,

And I also know with just a whisper,

My entire day would increase in depth and joy.

I want to tell you all the little things.

How I stubbed my toe on the edge of my desk today and blurted out “fuck” in front of my entire class.

How I dropped half my lunch in my lap leaning over my desk too far to reach a pen.

How I’m fighting with my family about things no one understands,

And also how I’m been recently getting back into fashion, and have acquired possibly more shoes than you.

I know you still have better taste in them. I think about what you’d say when pairing shoes to new dresses I’ve bought,

Because you always said the shoes make the outfit.

I don’t talk about you often,

In fact, my friends and family know not to bring your name up at all.

But every once in a while, when I’m having a stressful time or it’s just not working out with the latest guy who took me on a date,

My best friend mentions you. And the fact that there are good qualities that I should seek in my next partner that I don’t have to forget.

I agree with her,

But I’ll admit,

When people ask me if I would ever return to you

I laugh

I lose my breath

I fail to understand how they cannot see the obviousness of it all.

I think, how ridiculous of them,

To assume I would ever have a choice.

You will always hold the core of my heart, even if it looks different now.

-Even though I know it’s for the best and it stings, I’m at peace with the thought of walking this world alone. I’m content, just frustratingly unchallenged lately.-

[sleepless-streetss]

Sometimes when I’m really lonely, like tonight, I crawl back into the shell I used to know and I come back here to find your words. Maybe some day they won’t be here anymore, and all I’ll have are memories, but for now, I find comfort in the solitude that someone loved me. Someone saw me. Someone, knew me. The me no one else has ever seen. And they didn’t run, and they didn’t try to change me, and they didn’t think I was stubborn (or at least if you did…you liked it anyway.). Someone loved every piece of me. It might be the only time this ever happens, and I’m at peace with that, but I still have nights when I look at the stars and feel the old connection to you as if you’re standing right next to me. I can smell the cigar in your hand, the whisper of a song humming in your throat. My soul, even after all this time, misses yours. I’ve always wondered why that is. I probably always will.

Ps: I’m not asking for any sort of response, I just thought you’d like to know you did do something right. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are. I hope it’s everything you wanted and more.

#personal #blue

[sleepless-streetss]

I used to wonder if I’d ever get past this point,

This point of missing you.

But today I realized I went the whole day, and I didn’t think of you.

For the first time in months you weren’t the first thing that came to mind.

Of course, after realizing this, the image of you popped into my head. You kind eyes and the hint of a smile lingering on your lips.

But it was different this time.

It wasn’t pinned with the longing desire of you or a stinging pain in my chest.

It was much gentler than that.

More soft, like the wind just barely grazing against the back of my neck.

A presence that was there, yet hardly traceable to its origin.

This is what it’s come to.

Echoes of your laughter in the dead of night, tiny shadows of your shape distorting more each day.

You,

My old love.

My lost love.

You are fading.

[sleepless-streetss]

We do not talk anymore,

But we will never be strangers.

We are just two people who once meant the world to each other,

And nothing will ruin that.

No amount of time will ever make you unknown

Because to have a love like we did, there’s no forgetting it,

And I mean truly, forgetting it.

Even if we never speak again,

You will always be someone to me,

And I will always be someone to you.

[sleepless-streetss]

“Have you lost weight?” She asks,

And I thought about all the other questions she could have asked instead.

Like,

“How are you” and “do you thinking about dying?”

“Do you wonder how many people you really love before the sun drops behind the horizon?”

“What venom did your mother feed to you? And what daisies did she wrap around your temple to cover up the toxin?”

“How many homeless people do you actually give change to?”

“Do you think any orgasm is better than the very first one you ever had?”

“Do you believe in heaven?”

“Ocean air, or mountain air?”

Or

“Who are you, when you’re alone?”

But she didn’t. And most never will.

I doubt it, I replied.

“Well, you look really skinny.”

And a world opened between that and my reply.

Every Facebook picture and every suck it in,

Every boy poking my stomach, every bloated period,

Every tear stained piece of clothing in a fitting room,

The calorie counting apps,

The five miles I have run every night for 6 months now,

Skinny bitch tea ads, low rise jeans, my prom dress that I can and still test that I can fit into,

“Don’t tag me in that”

Never having gotten desert at any restaurant (ever)

Dressing in over sized t shirts in the summer.

“If you want to be small, you order small. If you want to be large, you’ll order large. Big girls eat a lot. Order the kids sizes if you don’t want to get fat.” (This one I still struggle with, thanks Mom!)

It all came flashing through like magazines I used to idolize as a teen girl.

“Oh” I replied grinning.

And I watched my thoughts with some kind of ancient wisdom I’ve worked so hard to find. And I saw all of the ways I could have combed my own flesh for answers of self worth,

Stupid questions I’ll never hear fluttering through my mental state, hoping to be asked those at some point behind the wall of imperfection standing in between us.

And instead I punched my fists into the air and cheered.

Because I did not say thank you.

Because my gratitude is reserved for whatever miracle met me, and gave me this impossible life of beauty.

And forgiveness must tell you that anger should never be wasted on another woman,

When it is my privilege to proclaim my body as mine and not the medias.

And I pray freedom finds you like it found me but goodness,

Life is long

And lessons find us when it is time.

And a wake up call can tell you that you can hashtag summer body all you like,

But the only hash tag goals the physical body really has, is to decay.

And yes, skeletons are like, really skinny.

But damn,

Does my soul have curves.

-I got tired of seeing summer body goals. I deleted all my socials to focus on what’s important, loving what I see in the mirror every day.-

[sleepless-streetss]

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had to perform.

When I tried to be myself, I was told that’s not what you ought to do.

So just like my mother, and her mother, I replaced my one dimpled smirk with a false face.

My life became a lie.

That’s deep rage.

We have lived our lives through masks, generational ones.

Sooner or later- if we’re lucky,

That mask will be smashed.

-My rage is so very childlike. When I am hurt, I cling to the pain; wrap my self into a ball as if the closer I bring my knees to my chest, the less I will have to feel. A childlike loneliness matches the anger that floods the doe eyes I was given from my mother. That’s the only place I can never hide. I don’t meet people’s gaze because of this.-

[sleepless-streetss]

I make my bed in the mornings the way you taught me. Corners folded and tucked. Start the day with a made bed.

I brush my hair the way my mother taught me, pushing up at the roots to help the mane stand tall. Those were her exact words.

I wear my Jewish star to remind me of my past, like my grandmother taught me.

I always check under the car in the morning, like my father taught me.

I listen to playlists that remind me to look for the joy in the world, another thing that you taught me.

Lots of Taylor Swift, lately.

What I’m trying to say is; I am simply a mosaic of all the people I love and their lessons.

I wonder all the time what I have taught others.

I hope the pieces I gave away are good.

I hope they’re pure.

I hope you know I really did the best that I could,

And all my love went into them.

I’m so sorry if I ever left any lessons that scarred.

That was never my intention.

[sleepless-streetss]

“I know I’m not easy to love. I’m a chronic over-thinker. I overreact more than I should…And every once in a while, I might be a little insecure. But if I am in love with you, I can promise you wholeheartedly that you will be loved with so much passion and intensity that you’ll forget what life felt like before I came along. You will always be cared for and you will always have someone in your corner. Maybe I’m not the best at being loved - But I like to think I’m pretty good at loving.”

— Chelsea Carroll

[sleepless-streetss]

Spring Break 2023 is drawing to a close, and I am trying to find the positives around me as we settle into the end of another season. Spring is upon us, and with that, new life. The grass will grow, the trees will blossom, the birds will sing, but I’m still a little unsure what I will do.

I’m sitting on the porch of this beach house, a book in one hand, this blog in the other. As I slowly rock back and forth in the swing chair, my mind is drifting. That’s a dangerous state to be in. My mind goes back to peace, and when my mind goes there, it finds you.

If I stay there fleetingly, it doesn’t really hurt anymore.

I never stay to heartbreak, but I can’t help but stay too long.

I see you in every sun set. In every crash of the waves. If I close my eyes long enough I can feel where your head fit perfectly in the crook of my neck from behind. I can hear your laughter in my ear. It brings a smile to my face, even today.

For a second; for just a second, I am warm again.

Do you ever miss the way I felt in your arms?

Do you ever miss my warmth?

#personal

[sleepless-streetss]

Your kisses left stains on my body that I can’t,

And don’t want anyone else to touch.

It was a place reserved for you.

To leave your mark,

And you did, leave your mark.

Only now, I can’t erase you.

I can’t rid you from my system.

Tethered to you,

And a part of me wants to keep it that way.

-I am so sad tonight, are you?-

[sleepless-streetss]

When he tells you that he’s scared of hurting you,

It’s not empathy.

It’s a warning.

[sleepless-streetss]

You ask me how I want to be loved, 

and this is my only reply. 

I am like a book that's been read enough times that there is no hesitation in the spine, 

I know that I’m not difficult to read. 

But sometimes, 

I wish someone would think I am half as mysterious as I want to be. 

I like sunsets, and shooting stars as much as the next person. 

I love simplicity, and raindrops on flower petals with all my heart, 

so, 

if you want to know how to love me, 

spend a little extra time appreciating all of my ordinary. 

Make me believe that I admire the stars in a way that no one else does. 

Convince me that my fascination with raindrops on flower petals is worth your adoration.

Search for the intricacy in my simplicity, 

look for the reflection of the stars in my eyes, 

And when you love an open book, 

remember, 

to love between the lines. 

-I am more than my worn pages. If you’re really reading me well, my message is loud and clear.-