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skeletonsinherheart · 3 months

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When the skies glaze over, black gives way to blue

When the skies lament, tears

brim

fall

When she rips herself open,

roars, howls

A violent melancholy

sending vibrations through the earth,

trembling beneath the weight of

her rage,

and the brutality of

her despair.

Each cry dying in her throat

And the atmosphere

soaking up the sound...

If anything, I think, just to remind me

that it too

grieves.

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skeletonsinherheart · 6 years

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the moon & venus

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skeletonsinherheart · 6 years

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skeletonsinherheart · 6 years

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Tomorrow, tomorrow, I hate you, tomorrow, you’re only a day away.

Well, so far as I know, it’s happening tomorrow. And it isn’t so much that I forgot, I don’t think. Rather that I blocked it out so much when things changed as violently as they did. It almost felt as though I was winning. You even said you considered leaving her, and I consider that winning to an extent if I’m able to sway someone so involved that they’d even consider the possibility.

But.

I haven’t won. Just as I always have said, I am going to lose. And maybe for a little while I’d forgotten how much I really wanted it once I was so blissfully free of my constant agony.

And yet....I never knew how much weight I was able to carry within you. I had no clue. I knew I never had a right to carry any bit of you, because you were not mine to carry. But we were and remain each other’s burdens to bear, and we both still hurt. I just never figured I actually had the capacity to embody the wrecking ball I so badly wanted to be.

I know I barrled into your life like a hurricane without warning. I tore up trees and ripped the roofs off of houses, leaving sharp and damaged edges in my wake. I flashed thunder and lighting upon the ground, splitting you in two with the electricity....fire burning you to a cinder.

I didn’t know...I truly didn’t. I never knew I had that power, I never knew I mattered so much to you. If I’m being honest, I never knew I could matter that much to anyone. I never knew that those same feelings took refuge beneath your chest just as they did mine. Maybe because it never made sense to me for that to be true. Or maybe I was just blinded by what I thought I saw and what I thought I knew. That you would never, ever reciprocate the depth of the emotions I carried, and that all of this was no different than the same affections you had with any other person you cared for on a basic level. And I am truly sorry for ever making you have to figure out how to mend yourself over the choices I felt I was forced to make. As much as I sometimes hated you...hated you for existing, for making me feel so much hatred for this world and the cruel jokes it can birth....only because, long before I forced you to stitch yourself up the middle, I had been coping with that same existence for almost half a year. And I so wanted you to know my pain, to know the same torment that turned the blood in my veins to ice. To feel like I wasn’t the one who was chosen when given a choice. Even though I know that isn’t fair...it’s not a choice for you, she just got there first. Well, technically I did. But, she got there when it mattered.

I don’t want you to hurt. You don’t wish that upon people you love. I just wanted you to swallow the sharp end of the blade that has been tearing my insides to shreds since you came back to me. I wanted you to understand it. I needed you to know it. Maybe that does mean I wished you hurt...I don’t know. I can’t make sense of it.

As I said before, I want nothing more than for you to be happy, just as you wish me good fortune in love and in life. I really do want that for you. And I know you said that you are still here with me and that you are not lost to me...I still feel it to be true....I have dreaded this event too long.

And it’s funny, because nothing is even physically changing with this new development. Not really, I guess. But I also know things are different for you, and that it’s my fault. I just have to accept that and lick my wounds and stand again, just as you did, and stand whole.

Though if I’m being honest with myself, I fear I never will be. Not without you where I wish you were. I don’t know if you’ve ever shared this feeling but...I feel as though you are truly and almost literally my other half. You are me. And I know it in my bones that I will never again find another human being that I connect with on as many levels as you and I do. Statistically, it’s almost a certainty. The similarities we share are absolutely miraculous, and the probability of it in theory should be slight, but it isn’t. It’s right here, existing between us. It is full fledged connection on so many levels that it almost feels impossible that those things were to ever exist to be discovered by us.

You are a true and beautiful gift to my existence in this life, and I know that I will never again find your equal in my lifetime. I would love nothing more than to do just that, but I already know where to look, and it will be at her side.

And here I will stay, with eyes shut tight...as your wedding bells sing my requiem mass, hoping, daring to dream a dream where it is not so.

My Peter Pan, my Neverland. A smile so beautifully coy and clever. As I remain evermore, your Wendy, your Impossible Girl, your Always.

“These violent delights have violent ends

And in their triumph die

Like fire and powder

Which

As they kiss

Consume.”

- Romeo & Juliet