skaliwag7-blog

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This was suppose to be her birthday present... but given I’ve had to close off my heart.. I think I might just carry it with me forever. Maybe one day when we’re much older and cross paths I’ll show her. But here it is, at least so I can document that special day I’ll never forget. I now carry her with me permanently. For the rest of my entire life on this planet, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years, 60 years, you and your heartbeat will always and forever be there with me. You know... I felt 0 hesitation or fear doing this too, kind of like it was the most clear and clairvoyant thing I could see or do in my entire life, 1000% in tune with my heart.. and I’m a perfectionist. Everything has to be proportional to me, or symmetrical or geometric etc. But the second this stencil was on me, I didn’t think about this one bit. It really could have been diagonal for all I care, it was on me, and it made me the happiest person in the world. If she was with me by my side, if I didn’t have to close put up these guards up around my heart like I’m having to do, I’d have branded her name on me for the rest of my life without hesitation and I know it now for certain.. she is my heart in human form.

June 1st, 2020

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June 14th, 2000 was the night my full moon was born. Twenty years of brighter night skies.


Growing up, it’s a word you hear. It’s a word you’re familiar with, you hear it often and know what it means. But never once did I truly understand what it mean’t until I crossed paths with her, what it meant until it was related to me: Perfection. In a world of chaos and order. Good and bad. Annoyances and pleasures. I understood for the first time ever gods true potential for the perfect creation. Idiosyncrasies. We all have them. Those distinct or peculiar mannerisms and quirks that have the potential to annoy our partners. But for the first time ever, every little peccadillo possessed transformed into this persons uniqueness and culminated together to form the beauty that is Nadíne. Something so small as seeing her listening to her headphones tangled in knots instead had me laughing and feeling this want to untangle them for her and gently place them back in her ears. This unexplainable feeling felt for the first time ever for another person. She could come to me naked on her knees bruised and covered in mud, and my only and first thought would be to get her into the tub, sit behind her and bathe and mend her. 


I think we all know I could be here for hours writing and rambling. But I guess what I’m trying to get at is.. she was the one and only definition of perfection I’ve ever seen. I thank god she was born 20 years ago today. I thank god for the way she was made. And pray you guide her always and forever.. Never let her forget how special she is; how much she really matters; how much this world is better with her here.


Alhamdulillah

June 14th, 2020


Frank Ocean - Dear April

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Nadíne thought

June 10th, 2020 - 12:15pm

I have thought about her probably 1000+ times since that last post. I’m realizing now, keeping a Nadíne Thoughts at this point in time to track how much I think of her over time, would be absolutely impossible. It’s actually hard to find stretches of time when I don’t think about her.. I wonder what it’s like for her..

By no surprise, I woke up to another dream with her, most mornings I do. This one being almost just as sweet as the rest of them. It’s quite hard not to, when she’s the last thought when I go to sleep at night, and the first thought when I wake up in the morning. She messaged me yesterday, calling telling me to just decline instead of letting it ring. Trying to reach me then storming off thinking I was ignoring her but instead I just sleep early now. Even in the beginning I was taking vyvanse, as it numbs me out and makes life manageable again. But that’s neither here or there, and not going to sit here talking about the pain.

Look how it says 55 mins at the top. That’s only a grain of sand in comparison with it all. It makes you wonder.. how many countless hours did we invest in growing this love?

It’s really nice dreaming with her all the time, maybe it’s a blessing and curse who knows. But every single time I enjoy so much. To see her again, to see how radiantly beautiful she is inside and out. She’s a ball of light in the most incredible way..

The women of my dreams.

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Nadíne Thought

June 7th - 10:24

I can’t shake this feeling. No matter what I do, where I go, what I watch, what I listen to.. I can’t cover up the thought of her. Sooner or later it comes to the surface.. and I feel it all.

Ahhh the thought of her.. the most beautifully heart wrenching thought ever.

No words can describe what I’m feeling now.. It feels as if I’m in front of her waving my hands at her but she sees right through me.

If you’d add up all the hours of today, so much of them would be her. She doesn’t see me anymore, does that mean she doesn’t feel me anymore? And if she doesn’t feel me anymore, does she still think about me anymore?.. I know I think about her x100 more than she does me, and that’s just something I have to live with now. Watching her move on, watching her go.

What we had was beautiful so beautiful to me, god I would have given you the world. I had it in me to grow with you, to change with you, to never hurt you again, but it’s too late. We had our time in the sun. Goodbye my love, someone else will be giving you the world now and for the first time ever in all these years, I’m starting to have to put up those guards around my heart, no longer placing my heart in her hands, no longer giving her complete control over me or being close enough to hurt me.. I guess she’ll never fully understand how much she really had me.. :(