sineumbranihil

[sineumbranihil]

“See all the effort, see the attention and care, then you’ll know my heart.” … Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson https://www.instagram.com/p/BqvSSn8hO-U/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=6wwm0nkuqwxz

[sineumbranihil]

insanity

in 2010, i had such an intense and prophetically real dream that i truly can’t believe that what i’m about to type is related to it, because i am both high and drunk h o w e v e r

have i ever truly invented anything? has just one passing thought been originally and organically mine?????????? has this been thought before?

what if there are multiple thoughts for the same end all be all conclusion? fuck.

i haven’t done this in a while. i remember the vitriolic dread of the songbirds. When I hear them now, they are tolerable. Almost expected. Is that what learned misery is?

Sometimes I’m scared to say what I wanna say because I’m scared that nobody will understand me.

Sometimes I want to kill myself. Just so I can know what’s real. Tell me am I rude or just realistic? what’s the difference?

[sineumbranihil]

Cigarettes

soulless fodder combustion engage take my breath away methodical tendrils of smoke carry stale prayers beyond

feed me kill me masochism

why am i so wet right now?

[sineumbranihil]

Making the Shadow Real

I am not perfect. I like to harm myself. Drinking myself into oblivion, spend the whole next day recovering and worthless. Chain smoke cigarette after cigarette so I can have an excuse for watching all of the moments I’m in pass me by. I’ve let my set backs begin to define me. I am ashamed I have a respectable degree and rely on stripping to pay my bills. I am angry that people don’t listen, that you have to lead by example. I am tired. I don’t have enough time. I’ve done enough.

I’m afraid of my boyfriend leaving me. I am afraid of the evil in my heart. I am afraid of wishing poor things to happen to others when they don’t take me into consideration the way i want them to. I am terrified of the short-tempered, grumpy woman I became when I had my cysts. I am afraid of falling more ill.

I am afraid of speaking up because I’m afraid I’ll be judged. I silence my voice because it seems easier... but what I get is just a messy implosion. I hate getting naked for men who don’t deserve to see my body and I hate the things they try to pressure me to do.

Everything seemed to be going great until last September. I had presented at three neuroscience conferences, finished a paper on its way to being published, had found an opportunity to perform at Imagine festival, was really falling for an amazing guy and we were learning how to love again for the first time, my patient was doing better.

When I get scared I get stuck. I stop moving. I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of my future. I’m terrified of failing. I FAIL EVERYDAY WHEN I STOP.

It is time to own the darkness. It is time to face the shadow. I’m going to do things despite my fear. I’m going to voice my grievances. I am going to create more. I am not going to use substances as a crutch any longer. I AM NOT MY MISTAKES UNLESS I CONTINUE TO MAKE THEM EVERY DAY.

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this is phenomenal

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forever to ash

i sit on your side of the bed but there isn’t a nightstand there. we never promised each other forever but i couldn’t help but wonder when i met you.

i sit on your side of the bed and i wait. i forgot what it’s like to live for myself.

i sit on your side of the bed and i wait for you to come home. i wait for your lips crumbling from whiskey and cigarettes to graze my neck

i sit on your side of the bed but there isn’t a nightstand there. there hasn’t been one since the first time you tried to leave.

and i know in a few months time you’ll be gone for good. but i’ll still sit on your side of the bed even though there isn’t a night stand there. waiting until you decide to come home.

[sineumbranihil]

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Samhain Prayer

my harvest is poisoned by the own toxicity of my psyche. let. it. all. die.

there is a silent grace in the tree whose branches so delicately, one by one, let go of their leaves as they sashay d   o     w       n to the ground. to crunch; curl up and die to become nutrients for next year.

there is an infinite strength in turning around and confronting your demons head on. What’s your battlecry? It’s okay if it’s more of a whimper sometimes. It’s okay if it’s a wail of existential woe sometimes.

there is a stalwart solidarity in standing in solitude in blazing your own trail holding your breath between every steady heartbeat. “i am.” like battle drums ricocheting of the peaks and valleys of your corpse.

there is relentless freedom when you tap into the quantum potentiality of your existence. “what if i fail?” falls heavy off the tongue like obsidian syrup. and i ask-- “what if i can?” like the lone flame of a candle casting darkness from the entire room. like a bud parting the last bit of soil to finally feel sunlight for the first time. like a lotus finally blooming in the muddy waters, so defiantly vibrant.

again, i say let. it. all. die. so that i may finally live.

[sineumbranihil]

[sineumbranihil]

Follow Purple Buddha Quotes for more positive and self love quotes

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Muistijälki

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I know it damn well.

[sineumbranihil]

We can't have nice things because we don't know any better

bitchmuthafucka 

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ONCE YOU’RE DONE WITH THE HANGOVER, YOU’RE BACK TO SQUARE FUCKING ONE.