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Still enduring

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Robs and Suri’s wedding 5.25.2019 

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Deadlift at 135lbs! New personal record!

Just trying to find a little more appreciation for my accomplishments 🤗

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Today I will remember to…

1. Think well of myself.

2. Remember how far I have already come.

3. Refuse to ruminate over past mistakes or failures.

4. Refuse to get pulled down by others’ negativity.

5. Enjoy life’s little pleasures – like flowers and sunrises.

6. Be present in “this moment”.

7. Breathe, relax, and smile.

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5.16.2019

Hi so the past 5ish months I’ve been working my butt off. 

I completed my 2nd semester of graduate school, taking one of the hardest classes within the program. I studied hours on hours for the MCAT, and took it mid April. I took an Anatomy lecture/lab at a CC, consisting of a 4 hour class from 6-10pm twice a week, mainly in hopes of obtaining a recommendation letter from the professor. I spent countless hours studying, never leaving spare time to go out and do something fun. I drank so much caffeine my skin becoming flaky with patchy rashes. I shut myself inside, rarely communicating to people other than my bf. I thought if I could push myself to work as hard as I could for just 5 months, it would all be worth it.

With only one more final left on Monday before I’m done with all this endless studying, I honestly feel like these last 5 months have been a complete waste of time and energy. With the way things are going, I’m probably going to receive a B on one of my courses at SDSU. I didn’t get the MCAT score I wanted, which I mainly attribute to being so damn tired. I asked my anatomy professor for a LOR but her answer was: I’m not giving you a flat out no, but you really have to prove to me first. In addition she was very critical of my introvertedness, and basically told me I wasn’t going anywhere until I gain some confidence. Basically, nothing seems to be going by plan, and I’m so so SO burnt out. 

Was all the work worth it? No. 

Do I regret it? Hell yeah. 

So where do we go from here? I don’t really know.

Honestly after the conversation with my teacher about lacking confidence, I’m really starting to rethink things. I’ve definitely gained a lot of confidence during the past year, especially with talking to teachers, but is it enough? Am I cut out for this? Am I just pushing something that I’m just not capable of pushing anymore? I’m willing to keep trying to grow, but at this point I don’t know how much more I can wait on myself. It’s been 2+ years since graduating from college, and I’m still chasing this “dream” of getting accepted into medical school, spending another 4 years in medical school, and not being able to actually work and make money until I’m 30. 

There’s so much to think about, I don’t know which way I’m going. But for now, I just wanted to recognize that something needs to change. I need to step back for a moment to reflect and try to make sense of what I’m feeling. This isn’t the life I want to be living. Tomorrow we’ll start anew again. 

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As soon as things get slightly better, everything just became a lot worse than it used to be. I was expecting all of this to happen sometime though. It was just matter of time

Breathe. Calm down. Reset. You'll get through this.

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Re: update

In response, I really have to find things to stay productive, motivated, busy, and happy. I am hoping through posting here that it holds me down to try to do these things even if just a little bit. I know I post here about every 6 months or so with barely any results, but hey recognizing you have a problem is usually the first step right?

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Hihi time for an update

Hi tumblr, it’s been a while. Here’s an update just for my sake. 

Life hasn’t been as great as I hoped it would be. 

I’ve been staying at home for the last 6ish months, working, trying to complete applications, not doing all that much. TBH all of this kind of sucks. I know I should be thankful for having a roof over my head, not having to pay for anything, and that my mom’s doing alright, but honestly living here kind of sucks. All I do here is work, go home, eat, maybe gym and watch netflix, and repeat. I barely have a social life and it’s driving me crazy, especially going to snapchat and instagram in my spare time and seeing all my friends going out and doing these cool things. I honestly think that I’m wasting my youth away, because at 22 years old you should be going out with your friends, having adventures, etc. right? Now I’m just wishing every thing would fast forward to when times are better and I’m not stuck in this boring routine. What makes it a little worse is that I was even planning to stay in SD and even had a job with a start date lined up too. Then all of a sudden I had to cancel all my plans and got sucked back here. What also sucks is that I don’t really feel comfortable talking or hanging out with my parents either, because whenever I do it’s always about what I’m going to do next and have I applied to med school yet and that I’m going to waste my life away with how I currently am. But trust me, I do not want to be stuck in this state for that much longer, it’s sucking the life outta me. I’m even planning on moving back to SD next year so I can actually have a daily social life and be around my SO and friends. But UGH, I have to keep living this way for the next 4-5ish months. 

So I’m sorry for the rant, but I’m very into self-reflection/getting my feeling out. Lately I’ve been scared to post on anything and everything with my history of parent’s always finding my shit and me getting in trouble for speaking my mind or doing anything. However, since it’s been a long while since I’ve posted on this instagram/ twitter/snapchat etc. hopefully that’s not the case, and I feel like I’ve just bottled up so much for a while now that’s it’s really starting to effect me. 

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Sleepless Collective - Dance Counts 2017

Definitely one of my favorite moments this year was being a part of this team.

When we went to Vegas to compete at Prelude, after we had finished performing all of us just went to the back of the audience to watch the rest of the teams perform. We were all arguing about who was going to place this year, none of had the slightest notion that we would even stand a chance against everyone else. Then judgement time came around. We were all casually sitting around ready to go home, but then the MC said in “3rd place . . . keeping it real . . . Sleepless Collective”. You have no idea how surprised we all were. Even when we went up to the stage all of us were consistently yelling and shaking with excitement, some even crying lmao. The teams next to us who won 2nd and 1st were tryna calm us down.

But omg what a day. I’m so happy that I finally built up the courage to be a part of this team. With all those hours practicing also came a chance to grow, be a part of an incredible family, and the ability to express some thing that has been such a huge part of my life. 

“with you . . . I feel again”

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Hello, Hello Tumblr

After 8ish months, I finally figured out my password.

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Fuck i only need 7 more classes after this quarter to graduate and i still have no idea what I’m doing. Get it together Sam

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Even though this week has been hella stressful I haven't felt this happy in a while. 3rd year I can't wait to see what's in store.

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Hi I think my life has changed

#TRAMPHAM

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I resonate with all this so fxcking much, it’s like looking in a mirror crap. 

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All of this reading is reminding me of how messed up I was, and how that sadness/anger/dark hole of feelings is still kinda there months later. I hate feeling this way but more so hate seeing other people feel this way.

Don’t cheat on other people please. As simple as that. 

#PSA

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