shi-kiori

[shi-kiori]

Note 12: Rage and Pain

hello. it's 2024, and its been a year since i last posted. not to say in the least that ive been better. ive been tolerating, i feel like is the right word. but what made me write this now is my ongoing anguish with life, with family, with work and in general, with myself. new year, new me right? the things we tell ourselves hoping for better times, less painful moments. to keep that hope is good yet blinding and painful at the same time.

i drove to work and home today. as i was on the way home, being the ever-so reserved daughter and woman i am, talked to myself about my problems, about my mental anguish and about my sadness. i feel like its nothing new. ive been posting about pretty much my depression here as an outlet for a lack of a better term. in talking to myself, did i let my tears fall. in talking to myself, did i realize that i truly am alone in this world. to share my pain with no one else. to have nobody understand the things i want to share, the deeply rooted sadness that contains me in every day i live, i breathe in the world. its no secret here that my family is the number one source of my rage yet my pain at the same time and this is because of my love for them. truly a curse i dont think ill ever get up from. and i wanted to write here again to let this out. my words are slurring and i feel tears well up inside me yet all i can do is mask them in front of the people i so desperately want to cry to. its pathetic and its sad really. im turning 25 this year and yet my secret wants and desires still stem from things i shouldve gotten over 10 years ago.

its in this that the sadness in my heart continues to spread its roots. i had to cry by myself to sleep this week bc of how inconsiderate they are and of how invalidated, unappreciated and unloved i felt from the people i care about my family. i know the most obvious thing to do is to talk to them but when you've tried and tried and it never worked, why would u bother?

tw/ self harm, suicide

ive thought abt killing myself honestly, its gotten that bad these past months. idk if ill ever feel good about myself if its always just temporary. the greatest downs are complemented with the greatest highs. like im in a soap opera waiting for my great climax and my great downfall at the same time.

and yet again as im writing this down, im silently killing the hope in me that ill ever feel okay about this. ive been reading books to meditate, to recenter myself, to feel.....something. instead of slicing my skin, instead of feeling the blood trickle down, i want to try to be better.

until then, im just a fire running on fumes ive never wanted to use in the first place.

and if there is a god up there and if there is an angel silently watching my every move, i pray that i do feel better without needing my family for it.

oh a tragedy, and yet the comedy that is my life

-end-

#shikioriposts #voiceofiris

[shi-kiori]

Note 11: Outbursts

Today, i've realized that neglect is a powerful friend yet enemy.

I feel like growing up, i had to get used to the fact that a lot of people surrounding me were emotionally unavailable or constipated in sharing affection and in expressing feelings. someone always had to do a grand outburst and suddenly it would be like that never happened. now that im older, im realizing that its those things that chain u in the neck as u mature.

my brother broke down today because of a break up in a serious relationship. it kind of rattled everyone at home. i couldnt even process what just happened only that i felt like i had to be there for him. but its the aftermath that i couldnt comprehend beyond me. i called my parents shortly after that to share and it didnt even feel like anything new at the fact that they were so quick to dismiss it and move on; that we couldn't do anything about it. and while it does hold truth to it, its that sweet, deceiving taste of neglect that lingers in my mouth as im typing this. im at a loss, i dont know how to make of what im feeling inside.

im angry, but i understand. im disappointed yet i understand. i feel like i want to help though i understand why i shouldnt.

i wanted to get so angry at my mom then and there because this is the exact reason why people like my brother break down so grandly. people at home dont know how to express feelings that are too intense, too sad, too angry. everyones so quick to dismiss and say its not a big deal. and this is the type of home ive grown up to. we can lie to each other and say that we are emotionally in-tune with each other but the simple truth is that we arent.

im....i want to say im frustrated but i cant even bring myself to be because its just happened so many times that it feels better to emotionally numb myself to people like my parents. theyre never gonna change the way they are and im not asking them to anyways. its just a weird pill to swallow when it happens to people like my brother who cries the way like the day he was born. it feels like all the air is punched out of ur lungs and u feel like ur on fire but the slow burning kind. i can vouch that its not any better.

all this childhood trauma just makes u laugh because of how cliche it is. emotionally distant parents, all the siblings struggling to empathize with one another and lastly, there being no space to talk about things, to unpack.

its probably the worst feeling in the world to lose control of the situation and thats how i felt earlier today. you almost want to just pinch a part of ur skin if its that whats gonna make u feel like ur holding on to something.

anyways, point in blank is that id have to admit that i was afraid for the first time, ever. i realized that he only felt that way and reacted that way was because nobody at home made him feel like it was ever okay to let it out in front of others. my parents say they do but from what ive seen all theyve ever done for my brother in times like that was make him feel like his relationship problems are nothing major. and while there is truth to that, ive learned that it does sound invalidating. and nobody ever wants to feel that way.

the eldest daughter saga continues for me, once again im forced to numb myself in the ice that is my family's emotions.

--end--

#shikioriposts #voiceofiris #parents what is new #eldest daughter tingz #we need family counselling at this point

[shi-kiori]

Note 10: Metamorph

adulting's a different kind of race in life, really.

this year, i've had my first job; which i eventually left for my second job bc overall it was a mentally challenging place to be in and now im in a different place, i feel like nothing's changed. im starting to think if maybe im the problem.

im proud of myself for not cutting yet. it's been a year since ive last done it which for me is a good feat. ive gotten more tattoos to cover up my physical and mental scars but you know what they say, the healing process is never linear.

so anyway, going back to my adult life and job problems, im slowly starting to feel as if im not living in my full authentic self. i want to be able to produce outputs and do the things i want to do without ever feeling like im being forced to do so by other people. somehow, it feels like that when im in this new job of mine. am i crazy? am i really the problem here? am i just so difficult? sometimes it hurts to breathe just thinking about things like this idk how to feel

my mom's been a real handful lately as well. dk if its the menopause period lol or the fact that her life's been going great and well to her plans. either way, im suffering bc of it mentally. i dont want to be the one to cause people their problems. i dont want to be the cause of it so i just listen and laugh (yes mz ariana). this job im in feels a little suffocating considering its only my 2nd week but i feel like my mom plays a big factor in that. slowly starting to regret this and that maybe i shouldnt have left my 1st job.

sighs such is the adult life. im only 23 so i guess these things come by and u accept them as learning points. my life just sucks real bad right now. trying to be something im not is (as teen chick flick movie it sounds) not what i am. i want to be me and show what i want to do wherever i go.

manifesting that it gets better. at this point idk anymore.

but as always, sending with whatever love i can give.

x

#shikioriposts #adulting quite literaly sucks

[shi-kiori]

Note 9: maybe we got lost in translation

these days have been the roughest for me emotionally and mentally. it seems like there hasnt been a day where i dont want to just cry myself out because of life. but there are also times where i wonder if ive really grown that emotionally weak and numb at the same time that the smallest inconveniences seem to reset me like a robot. i dont wanna feel anymore quite frankly, im so tired of feeling anything.

earlier today, i was reading a fic that made me giddy. reading always makes me feel more than i usually do. it helps me escape from my own madness here at home. i know people always say ur entitled to ur own emotions and u owe it to urself to feel sad or feel bad but idk,.have i really been that much gaslighted over the course of a year that even im starting to doubt whether or not im actually in all truth valid to feel the things im feeling right now? anger, sadness, disappointment towards others. am i actually in a place to feel these things towards others and those close to me?

i sometimes joke that im slowly turning into a stationary plant with how the way things are going but now,, im not so sure anymore.

recently the main source of my angst seems to be my hunger to slowly detach myself from dependency. i want to start doing things for myself and i dont think people (my parents) understand how much it means for me to do so. things like learning how to drive and look for a job are slowly things u do to enter into the adult word. my parents still treat me like im 10 years when im already 22. they think im rushing my life but honestly? its not even that. im not in a rush no, but i dont want to spend my 20s like this. stagnant. helpless.

i feel helpless. i feel locked.

i know for a fact my parents would say im overreacting knowing them. at this point i dont care much for it and ive given up on trying to make them understand why i do so. im tired. im drained already. at this point ive accepted that parents will be parents and its on my own fucking part to initiate something for myself. i dont need other people to misconstrue my own ideas and goals when theyre not even there to support me unconditionally in the first place.

today, my trust issues have dug a deeper crevice in my being. dont get me wrong i would do anything for my family. i love them. but this is probably the last time ill be completely putting myself out there on the line for them to put me down in the end.

and so another day ends. when will my burning cease?

#shikioriposts #im tired #lolz #fuck my life

[shi-kiori]

Note 8.5: bleeding out

does bleeding my heart out to numbness feel the same as water slowly filling up your lungs as you drown?

if my parents, relatives and/or family members ever find this one day i want you to know how fucking much ive been submerged in nothing but grief. im not sorry, im tired.

and fuck emotional constipation no child should ever have to experience having their parents feel like it's a new day when their own daughter just told them that she's not happy anymore.

#idk what this is but i just wanted to let it out #i feel like crying

[shi-kiori]

Note 8: a flame reduced to ember

im a graduate now (yay). it feels really liberating to finally be free of a life of studying and trying to move on to the next chapter of my life or something like that.

it feels weirdly jarring how even with the fact that im not doing anything i still feel so burned out and exhausted. is it life at home? yes.

i dont think ive ever told anyone about this but i do not have emotionally supportive parents. i never grew up in a household where sharing emotions and confiding in parents or grown ups in general were a thing. (emotional constipation early beginnings perhaps) just like any other child, i think maturing at an early age was a result of my parents always telling me that i have no time to wallow and swim in feelings of grief, sadness and disappointment. it was always grow up or "be the better person and forget about it"

now am i only starting to realize how bad its starting to backfire towards me. im starting to realize that a big probable reason why i just cant seem to catch a break for myself is mainly because of my parents and my situation at home. my parents are as emotionally constipated as their children let me tell you. the moment one of us breaks down in front of them they do not know what to do and instead pushes everything under a big fat rug.

im sick of this. im sick of trying to ground my emotions and return to feeling numb when all i want is some form of reassurance that my parents are there and they understand. these days all they seem to think about is themselves. seems selfish of me to say but you know what, not everything is solved by money and just because they buy us things we want does not emotionally compensate feelings of anxiety, sadness and grief that we wish to alleviate.

i want to move out. i cant take it here. everything annoys me. im tired. im jaded. im starting to hate things i never really did before. i dont want to ruin my relationship with my parents but im really starting to get so sick of them.

it feels like embers until i can actually do something with my life.

im sad. im so fucking sad. i feel so constricted at home. like someone's clipping my wings as cliche as it sounds.

#voiceofiris #thats on parent issues

[shi-kiori]

Note 7: Intensity is Relative

hello again old friend. it's been 9 months since i last wrote something in this blog/diary/hell place whatever you call it.

in the 9 months, a lot of things has happened and while my last note, i talked about spiralling down because of thesis, well, that's exactly what happened. i thought to be honest the world would get somewhat better but over the course of 9 months we all kinda just plunged deeper into the abyss of the world.

you could blame it on urself for not improving enough (like me) but u could also blame a whole lot of factors like ur shitty government for not doing its best lol #oustduterte2021

for me, the main takeaway this 9 months has given me is that feelings are relative.

when i say this i've thought about love and hate

we often throw both words a lot and its meant to be contrasting to each other but when you really think about it, are they really that different from each other? when i say i love you isn't it the same intensity as when i tell someone to go fuck themselves to hell?

i've progressed with thesis and i must say, with only a month left before finally leaving the hellspawn that is university, love and hate seem to have mixed themselves as one.

these days, i've felt nothing but this tingling numbness within my whole system that just wants nothing but to rest.

i love you. i hate you. ur important to me. go fuck urself. you're my world. go to hell.

is there even any difference?

as i try to end this note again with some poetic justice and some shit ill try to remind you all to breathe again even when there is demons and hell within you.

the flames may hurt and they may burn your lungs but we never really learn to extinguish our flames, we only learn to tame and mold them into something else. does it become some form of brainwashing then? perhaps

in this context of the whole pandemic is there even any stark differences in the emotions we feel?

#shikioriposts #i still hate thesis fuck them

[shi-kiori]

Note 6: addressing the demons

hey, how are you this time of quarantine and cased panic? well, i hope.

the quarantine has really been more of a test for me to be better. i feel like months of asking god to give me a sign on how to improve myself, this was it. no matter how fucked up it sounds, it really seems like it. so now, you might be wondering (or probably not also) have you progressed this quarantine?

the answer is fuck no.

i’d like to say i would but then i’d be lying to myself and to everyone who knows me well. as melodramatic and fucking cringey it sounds i feel like ive never escaped this chasm of never ending sadness and....disappointment? am i using the right words for this? i never really voice out thoughts about myself to just anyone because theres always this fear that they’ll think im being unnecessary for someone who’s been surrounded with nothing but good shit all her life.

okay so, what even has brought me to this state of stress at 12:15 in the fucking morning? THESIS.

oh, the whole climax of university, fucking ass thesis. yes folks, im a senior and will be graduating in the corona period. hopefully, god pls.

ive just been stuck at this long state of artist’s/creativity block. if i could put myself out of misery i would but damn its harder than i thought. i cant seem to think of a good thesis topic and its bringing back all the anxiety i thought had been burned off into the pits of my own hell.

well i guess you never really rid ur demons as they say, they only learn to camouflage themselves.

so yes now, im beginning to doubt the whole “at my own pace” thinking. it used to work for awhile but its so hard to maintain this sort of mantra if ur in a constant environment of competition and people just working so hard and being so stellar.

yes i know its fucking ass insensitive to boldly assume people to be like that but if ur at my snails pace ud think the same.

one of the biggest demons in my life growing up had always been inferiority complex. it mightve been due to my constant insecurities on my appearance growing up which slowly molded into insecurities on my craft and thinking im not good enough all that teenage angsty bullshit.

but the thing is, some people get over it. in my case, its a regular visitor to mi casa. and i fucking hate it.

normally the go-to thing is to consult and seek help to address these things but nobody has ever gotten the courage to open my demon locker and maybe take a peek. even my friends have never, theyre afraid. and deep inside, i know that people find my shit melodramatic and that im not trying to help myself more.

but.....the thing is,

i feel like growing up all i ever needed was for someone to hold my hand along the way, with the demons included. and that has never happened. and im afraif to wake up one day where all ill ever have in my life are my demons.

(ur such a melodramatic bitch wtf go write a poem sldkfsdkfnsd)

anyway, thesis is being a pain in the ass and i really hope this creativity block ends soon or else my demons are gonna come knocking me up before anything else.

the time of the pandemic really did this to me. fuck.

----

(life update: i said i was gonna get a tattoo but corona fucked me in the ass before i cud even,,,)

#shikioriposts #help a girl plz #thesis is killing me

[shi-kiori]

Note 5: of love, hate

“i love you”

these days, its so easy to say i love you to someone without really meaning it all the way. i recently thought about this and so it resurfaced in my train of thought. its also so easy to tell someone you hate them just as much.

let’s practice for example, i fucking hate my family that wasnt so hard

im sorry for the bad sarcasm, today was a rough day. ive been trying to temper my anger and ive also been considering going to anger management therapy. it was really hard to go through today seeing my parents and my brothers who are the epitome of stinking privilege. i know its hypocritical of me considering i am in the family, but today, theyve raised the bar on who keeps disappointing me the most.

i never really care about things unless its of utter importance to me but ill share my experience today. long story short, i was immediately turned down on wanting to buy something for my birthday. its so petty i get it. but theres something about how their expressions immediately twisted the moment i mentioned i wanted to buy something. the disgust was so written all over their face. they were really giving me all the reasons to not get it. 

but you know what irritated me the fucking most in this trial? it was that they really would do this to me but bend over when its my brothers who ask for something. why is that so? its fucking disgusting. yeah, way to show your kids just how much you love them. this whole situation irritates me all the fucking more because theyre always gonna have a reason to gaslight and guilt trip the fuck out of you when they get the chance. pulling up cards such as think of all the sacrifices ive made for you and all that bullshit. im getting so fed up.

im starting to learn that as i get older, the lesser love im being shown by my own parents. its so cliche to say that parents will love their kids no matter what and i do believe that. but theyre never going to mold and shape themselves to better understand what i go through on a daily and how much just the small things are starting to matter to me. its hard enough as it is to wake up trying to shake off feelings off being a devastating failure and always trying your best yet they never appreciate it the same way they appreciate my brothers.

yes i will admit, i do seek that validation. it matters to me but as days go on im starting to believe that maybe ill never get that. and im just going to learn to accept that. start doing things by myself and learning how to go through it by myself. after all, my family were never the touchy feelings type to me growing up. they never really cared even when they said they did.

if they did, i wouldnt be writing this in the first place.

and so goes on another new day of feeling the burn in me.

--

(life UPDATE: im gonna get my first tattoo in about a month!! im going to post it here for self indulgence and i am wildly excited. at least theres something to look forward to now.)

#shikioriposts #voiceofiris #family things annoy me

[shi-kiori]

Note 4: broken strings

someone committed suicide the other day near my university. 

i would be lying if i said i wasnt affected or rattled at all. it hits close to home and suddenly all the things i wanted and tried so hard to forget about resurfaced. ive been under the dark for so long and i suddenly felt a familiar pain searing through me once again.

i want to help those whom i can help, which is ironic considering how broken i am inside, im the farthest from giving advice or helping. all things my mom used to tell me growing keep ringing in my ears. how do you really just avoid and run away from the darkness when there was no light to begin with?

anyway, im just here to say that i might have my own fucked up problems with myself and i release them here. but if you sincerely need someone who doesn’t know a thing about you to give you the comfort you need, then i say do it.

with a heavy heart, i wish you all the reassurance you need to always bathe in the light

x

#shikioriposts #voiceofiris

[shi-kiori]

Note 3: everything i wanted

starting off the year of being “alive” with a billie eilish reference? just peachy

i started out this year thinking that maybe god wouldnt scorn me much for the first 3 months, turns out i was very wrong according to the universe. so much shit went down and february has only begun. my motivation just keeps getting dimmer. i know it seems kinda cynical to say considering its only, yeah, FEBRUARY.

i dont think anyone ever would comprehend the amount of emptiness i feel inside me. it seems like paradox i know. how can someone feel so much emptiness? i wake up in the days feeling like im on top of the world, but on other days i feel like im in the pits of my bared and terrified soul. truthfully, it somehow always feels like im in a perpetual state of being underwater. i can’t move fast and everything always slips by my fingertips.

i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to tell myself that everything’s going to turn up. i want to tell my family that i love them and that im sorry for being always a disappointment to them. it’s so hard to tell myself that everything’s okay. there’s always a part of me that hopes that maybe im a less fuck up than what i think myself of, considering there really are realer fuck ups out there. sometimes i dont understand myself. i fear of messing up but when i do and i get consoled by those who matter, my need of being scorned and punished and damaged increases and my body and soul craves it. it craves the punishment it deserves.

i hate myself. god knows how much i do. i hate how im such a fuck up. i hate how i think like this. i hate how i get too ahead of myself. i hate how i always assume things will get better. i hate how the universe pays attention to every little thing i do. i hate the way i move. my soul doesn’t deserve anything at all.

i just want to be okay. i am feeling the pain all across and over my body and everything hurts. everything aches. everything demands to be touched. everything and every inch of me demands to be hurt. it keeps telling me hurt more. funny how the people who’ve never had to go through the shittiest of experiences growing up have to be the one to feel this way. exhibit a: me. im so privileged and im so blessed and im lucky to be in a family and my body detests it. it craves to be hurt.

i dont deserve anybody. but even then, my body just keeps aching.

#shikioriposts #voiceofiris

[shi-kiori]

Note 2: of Warm Loneliness

the year’s about to end huh? 

today seems to be a very...sad day for me? i dont understand myself either. its so warm and sunny today and all my roommates went out to their own gimmicks for the day yet here i am, stuck in the confines of this room. i sound sick haha. but in all honesty, these days ive been more than ever wanting to be around people. its so weird bc im not like this. more than anything. ive been especially stressed and sad this week, but again, what is new.

now that im just alone, i seem to want to cry and sob even more. this room is so suffocating even though theres less people. god, i just want to go out. i dont know whats stopping me. i was supposed to eat out with my friends today at this good bbq place but they havent replied to me considering its almost 2pm. heres to my melodramatic ass thinking everyone hates me. fuck me

sighs, another pointless and depressing day for me i guess.

for once, the day seems so beautiful i want to dip myself in it. but im back to the fear of being burned

#shikioriposts #voiceofiris

[shi-kiori]

❌

[shi-kiori]

Note 1: Descent

Hello.

im wondering what made me want to create this blog. maybe just as a way for me to destress from all the toxicity there is in life. or something like that. anyway, do know that what i say here is of the biggest ambiguities and the biggest problems i face in life that for some reason im too chickenshit to tell others about. its ironic really. wanting to feel solace in a place that gives me more reason to love hell. they say that as we get older, the wiser and maturer we get but why do i feel none of that. i dont wanna sound bitchy but honey ive been crying tears for days and as each sun sets occurs, the more i find myself closer to the devil’s doorstep. yes i want to kill myself. yes i want to vomit. yes i just want to end everything. im a mess. truly. it really has become so fucked up these days because the only coping mechanism i have now is to laugh at every fucking misfortune in my life.

others might say my privileged ass deserves this. fair point. others might say i dont have a reason to be like this bc other people have it worse. thats also fair.

but, who’s to say shit about anything really? when it comes to death it never chooses anyone.

#shikioriposts #voiceofiris

[shi-kiori]

[shi-kiori]

During “the Civil War Era” or “the Sengoku Era”,  there was a period when power was fragmented among numerous samurai. During this time three powerful warlords tried to unify the country.  Oda Nobunaga, Toyotomi Hideyoshi and Tokugawa Ieyasu.

There is a poem known to Japanese school children that shows the different styles of the warlords and their characters. A parable was told that these three leaders were gathered in a garden, when a bird landed on a limb. A Zen Master then asked each of them what they would do if the bird doesn’t sing. Oda Nobunaga - 1534-1582 Nobunaga was arguablly the most potent and the most fierce Samurai in the era. He was also known for his cruelty and often described as a demonic figure with no mercy.  Nobu would have thundered “Kill it!” or without a word cut it to pieces. Toyotomi Hideyoshi - 1536-1598 Hideyoshi was the successor of Nobunaga. He finally unified Japan and had brought an end to “the Civil War Era.” Then he buried his rivals one by one, and he conquered all over Japan at last. Hideyoshi would have said “make it sing.” Tokugawa Ieyasu - 1542-1616. \ Ieyasu was the successor of Hideyoshi, and the founder of Edo Shogunate. Presumably he is the most famous shogune in the history. Ieyasu was known as a patient, persevering man with an excellent talent for management.  Ieyasu would have told everyone there that “If a bird doesn’t sing, wait for it to sing.”