shecouldntbetamed

[shecouldntbetamed]

“When you love someone you protect them from the pain, you don’t become the cause of it.”

— Unknown

[shecouldntbetamed]

Normalize not forcing people to choose you. If they think they can find better elsewhere – let them. Respectfully.

[shecouldntbetamed]

Normalize seeing inconsistency as a red flag. Never let their mixed signals fool you–indecision is a decision. You deserve someone who is loyal, consistent and sure about you.

[shecouldntbetamed]

I hope you know it’s over now so you don’t have to stay

I’m not sure why you decided to end things on Valentines Day.

Maybe it’s because we don’t make it through holidays.

Independece Day, July 4, we made it through one...

I guess I can’t put anything past a man without a job, right? A homeless bum with no ambition other than to use woman and ride off of their welfare while you lazily work on a car that has no future, kinda like the sum of your very existence.

Yeah, sure, sleep on my couch and stay alive until the ice melts so you don’t die in that little rabbit you use to leave me all the time with.

One of these days you’ll leave and never come back.

One of these days is gonna be the day and all the good I saw in you like a fucking John Mayor song, “Hold onto whatever you find, baby, Hold onto whatever will get you through”

It all has to stay buried deep inside because I kept holding on and getting nothing but the worst of you. The worst of you has broken me. Too

[shecouldntbetamed]

You can build that trust But you always end up bringing up Botox and how you imagine feelings a woman's six pack so you can come while I'm fucking YOu and that's fine

What the actual FUCK did I just read?!? LIES!!!

This is and never was love. It’s coercive control when you try to tell me I’m brainwashed by my ex yet you’re trying so hard to create a fictional villain out of me based off your own twisted and sick imagination of who you want me to think I am. No, motherfucker, I never said any of those things and I know who I am so you can stop trying to tell the world I am some NPD piece of trash.

[shecouldntbetamed]

I’m so happy to have all of my proof of how I was FINALLY able to stand up for myself and put my foot down since you kept crossing my boundaries. As I was trying to make you understand what it takes to be a parent, you fought me tooth and nail! The entire relationship you acted like everything that could possibly go wrong had to be because of one of my kids!

They wanted more time with me. Alone. They needed that. They had an entire year with me spending entirely too much time with you and not them. That still wasn’t enough for you. Then you started trying to trade/beg/steal/“borrow” adderall and kratom from me, and it would ALWAYS end in a battle, and you know exactly why. You would go back on your word, because you have never learned what true integrity actually is. You have an evil spirit that lives inside you and he is an amazingly cunning con artist. How you played your game so well…

You had cameras in my house, then you’d dump me and leave me alone, and you’d block me for a few hours. You called my house phone because I’d block you back. You’d keep calling and calling and calling so I’d have to get up and unplug it. One night you called me and said, “You might wanna like leave the house or something because I’m coming over there and I’m gonna kill you”

And I think the most insidious part about the “situationship” (your gut-wrenching term for what you equated your love for me to be) for me is that not only do you turn your actions and my reaction to your sudden, psychotic, abrupt change in personality, it’s downright abusive and you are telling me and everyone else that you are a fucking victim of narcissistic abuse!!!! You turned it all around on me and you’d do it after you and I had plans to do something or we had just been fine and in fact, I found a coincidence in the fact that on the days I would be really happy, and gushing about all the amazing things you do for me, I’d inevitably walk in to work the next day crying because you dumped me.

I started listening to the NPD podcast you say you showed me (yeah, remember that fun fight?) and I learned about BPD from searching something else. I didn’t want to believe you had those qualities or that I could really be dealing with someone so insidiously cold-blooded and calculating. I honestly started to become afraid of you.

Remember that night you were at my house and you were shaking and crying because you had broken up with me (and you always turned it around and you do something so disrespectful that my reaction is normal, like anger)? I was laying in my bed with you and we kept our clothes on and in my head was an episode of Dateline NBC, and it was featuring mom of two, Shawnya Alexander.

Every single time you had an episode you’d emotionally and verbally abuse me in writing and you’d harass me by calling my phone and prank calling me. Everything about how you would act was disrespectful of everything I ever stood for as a woman. You manipulated me from day one and you’re the biggest gaslighted I’ve ever encountered. You cannot possibly tell me you think everyone in my life that knows what you’ve done time and time again only dislike you because I talked trash about you? No! It was all of my reactions to your abuse that they all had to endure and respond to and they formed their opinions of what they know to be my truth.

I am not an actress. I never tried to be even though you lied to some dude at a booth and told him I tried to be an actress when I moved to LA. I’ve never uttered those words in my life, Matt.

I know that this is all just part of your abuse, but if you and I went to court, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would be completely backed up by the rest of society.

You made a bunch of sense and it was very easy for me to empathize with your version of reality and your truth, to a small extent. Your reactions to normal, everyday occurrences just went off the deep end. You and I used ti get along and when we did, I would start to feel more connected to you.

You always wanted to add me to things. You used me for an entire year while you didn’t work. You didn’t do shit to find work, either. You overstayed your welcome and my kids got really sick and tired of the way everyone was walking on eggshells in my house. Things kept going missing and you’d blame my kids but they’d show up magically somehow. It’s funny, one of the most bizarre things you would do to fuck with me was take my lighters. You’d hear how many times a lighter would go missing and I would even catch you putting my shit in your pockets. I found my things gone and then in your car all the damn time!

That was a game and I caught ontoright away. You’d do something and then accuse me of doing it. All you’ve done from day one is mirror me. It’s as though you

https://vikingmerman1989.tumblr.com/post/669173541298749440

[shecouldntbetamed]

One more thing… How DARE you get mad at me for asking obvious questions, (feeling like my gut is telling me something) and CONTINUE trying to make me think I’m crazy, when YOU KNOW YOUVE BEEN LYING TO ME FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS!!!!

You’ve been hiding your lies by trying to turn all of my questions, insecurities, and boundaries around on me, while simultaneously playing the victim online to God knows how many people.

How many woman do you have believing you and feeling sorry for you? How many woman are you future faking online with just to get their attention?!? You gave yourself away, and I don’t know if you meant to or not but I finally solved the puzzle.

My third eye finally led me to the truth. At least now I know I can trust MYSELF. Ive realized that you’re incapable of feeling guilt, shame, or remorse . You need people there feeding your soul because you don’t love yourself. I should’ve known that you couldn’t possibly love me.

Maybe you were afraid that I would come between your online romances or friendships. All I wanted was for you to respect me by being open and honest with me. You refused to do that. It wasn’t much of an odd request coming from a woman who had just gotten out of a 14 year marriage due to him being unfaithful. You knew that. I told you how I felt from day one and instead of backing off, you continued on doing you. You just tried to be really good at hiding it. It may have taken me two and a half years to finally uncover the truth, but like I said, I gave you chance after chance to be honest. Instead, you run off and make me look like a crazy ex to God knows how many people.

You lied to me and made me feel like I could count on my best friend. You told me you loved me. You said you loved my kids. But just as soon as I would start to believe you, you’d rip the rug out from underneath my feet.

You’d block me and ghost me for hours or a day and then you’d start calling, texting, emailing, or showing up to be confrontational and abusive. You took things that belonged to me, destroyed my property, coerced and threatened me into giving you money…

Then you would come back and love bomb me. You would future fake anything you could to weasel and lie your way back in. All to feed your own ego.

And every time you put me down and left me looking at your headlights, I felt like you had someone else in your ear. Someone else giving you their one sided opinion based off of half truths.

But you’d always lie and tell me “You won’t let me have any friends and you won’t let me see my family” To which I would reply, “What?!? I have NEVER EVER said you can’t have any friends!!! I told you I have trust issues and all I asked if you was for YOU TO BE HONEST! I’ve NEVER kept you from your family! They all hate me because of your bath mouthing half truths and one text message I sent them, letting them know how grateful I was for their kindness and hospitality. I did slip into that text that things have been bad between you and me and that I was sorry to be walking out of their lives, but my ex doesn’t even want my kids around Matt”

I was only being HONEST: An important trait that you do not possess.

No wonder you always accused ME of being a liar!!! I KNEW you were abusing me. I’m the one who spent and continue to spend hours upon hours learning more and more about abuse and NPD. I should’ve taken my own advice waaaay back when I figured it out. But I didn’t want to believe that you were lying to me. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared to believe that all the superficial arguments we had were all stemmed from your own dishonesty. I fucking knew it all along but I didn’t want to accept that our entire situationship has all been a lie.

Do you feel good about yourself? You’ve destroyed me. But I will work through this. I will never trust again, but I will make it out with my head held high, knowing that I wasn’t living a lie.

In this relationship I KNEW all of these ridiculous fights were NOT just my fault. You were future faking, lying to me, making me feel like you had my back… then splitting into a man who hated my guts in the blink of an eye, you never hesitated to be done with me, yet you really didn’t do much to absolve the problem at hand whenever you’d make your way back… Yet you wouldn’t just tell me that your friendships were more important than me. You lied to me. Day in, day out. You called ME a liar. You had cameras in MY house. You went through MY phone without my permission, yet you won’t even let me ASK to look through the pictures on your phone without dumping me. That feeling was there Christmas Eve. It was there the nights you would video tape me reacting to you egging me on. The night you ripped apart my house and threw my plant across the room.

Why? Why did you think it was okay to tell me you were going to kill yourself because of me? You would really be okay knowing you’ve been hiding another life behind my back. You’ve been lying to me from day one. All I wanted was your honesty. I’ve never spent more time with any one person than I did with you. I thought I meant more to you then some online “friends”, but I guess I was wrong.

God damnit. Why? Why did you break me like this? This isn’t okay to do to someone you know you were fooling. Especially after I tried and tried and tried to get my kids to like you. Every fucking time my kids told me I chose you over them they were right. I got fooled into thinking you were with me, on my team. You convinced me that you weren’t lying or hiding anything from me.

I would have been understanding (depending on what your topics of conversations are with your friends- you know the golden rule) and if you weren’t having inappropriate “friendships” then you wouldn’t have had to hide it. You never would’ve lied if I was all you needed and wanted.

You also stole from me again when you left in the middle of the night. After lying to me and wasting my time, you steal from me. You really are a bad person. Karma is a bitch. You were my karma. Can’t wait for you to get yours.

[shecouldntbetamed]

[shecouldntbetamed]

[shecouldntbetamed]

[shecouldntbetamed]

“I want to look back and say that I was alive. That I didn’t turn my back. That I tried. That I was happy.”

— Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited

[shecouldntbetamed]

If I was such an abusive narcissist, then why were you telling me you love me and pretending like we were a couple?? Why were you telling me one thing to my face but feeling the complete opposite inside, blocking me from social media so that you could vent to anyone who would listen about how shitty of a person I am? Why did you string me along? You are the one who discarded me every time. But why come back and lie about your true feelings? You are a coward. Come say all your big bad words to my face and let’s see who the real narcissist is.

[shecouldntbetamed]

Why are you a narcissist?

Why couldn’t you just be a normal person? Why pretend to be someone you’re not? You lied to me about your true feelings for me but you showed Tumblr how you really feel. If I was the person you lie and say I am on your Tumblr, then why the fuck would you string me along? How can you demand that I respect your boundaries but you completely disregarded mine?

If you aren’t happy with me then stop sharing your notes and location and time with me. You literally just promised to take me to Don Darios soon. You call me a narcissist and pretend I do all the things you’re doing to me and we both know it. Not sure what all the cheating talk is about but you’ve mentioned it several times with some dumb half ass attempt to lie and say you’ve never cheated on me.

I’m not a fucking idiot.

There’s someone online or maybe a lot of someone’s online.

They could be anywhere, any age, sex, anything. You could be having an emotional affair but hell it’s physical when you have camera sex with someone and that’s the most pathetic and shitty thing I can even imagine taking place, but you’ll show me that you’re at home- yet have no response to me. You’ll ghost me out of nowhere, when I thought things were just fine between us. Well, as fine as they can be, considering.

I’ve put entirely too much time into this to let it go without calling your bullshit.

You fucking lie so much about you and your life on Tumblr. You’re a victim of a Narcissist and that’s supposed to be me?!?

Bro, you can rewrite your life story to the online world, but I call BULLSHIT!!!

In fact, it is YOU who is the abuser. It is YOU who used ME.

You really love knowing that I spend all of my days thinking of you, wondering what you’re doing, wondering who is making you laugh and rubbing your back for you and snuggling and talking about nothing and falling asleep in your arms.

I don’t think there’s another woman in the physical sense, but I think there’s been multiple girls you’ve definitely tried to hook up with. You can’t tell me you never talked to anyone on Tinder, Instagram, Tumblr, etc behind my back. You made yourself single whenever you felt the need to I guess. That’s how your cycle went. It was going to happen when you say so. And if I don’t fall back in line when you fake being normal again (aka: cordial) then you hit me with the complete and utterly abusive insults. The ones that make me want to crawl into a hole and die. The things you would absolutely have to know will make me hate you, resent you, and regret you, yet you come up with ways to depict me that are horrendous to say the least. Like, how dare you??? Who on this planet would not only think up these things, let alone TELL someone - not just someone- their partner, “best friend” that you kept recycling over and over again???? You then turn around and play the victim… You use my situation to your advantage and it’s allowed you many many hours of time to put together a plan of action. You’re already in hate with me, but it’s easier to have me being sweet to you, so you use me as a crutch.

I’m that dumb bitch cheating cunt liar narcissist, right? Really? You’re not abusive?

You’ve been doing it now for way too long. I won’t stand here and let my reputation be tainted by a man who turns around and is fake as fuck to the one person he promised to love.

You were faking your kindness

You played games every day

You manipulate and mind fuck me and your snake charming ways

Fucking almost destroyed me

I’m not going out like that.

I am not a cheater. I didn’t cheat on you. That was one of my first real attempts to leave you… I didn’t think I would ever talk to you again… I hadn’t realized your tactics yet.

But I figured them out pretty quickly and I gathered enough evidence to prove my case.

You didn’t have my best interest at heart, that’s why you devalued me so much. You didn’t feel what I felt. You tried really hard to control me and what I spent my money on. You threatened me with the police. That was a criminal violation on 7 May 2020 that you committed against me. That was so traumatizing for me you have NO IDEA.

I can’t navigate my way home in a frantic panic attack omg I cannot believe I made it through that night all alone.

I was absolutely devastated and horrified that you had just put me through all of that. You seriously should’ve gone to jail for that. You became a complete monster. And that’s why people like you end up in jail. Woman like me will finally stand up for themselves and report abuse when it happens. YOU have never been held accountable for attacking me that night and destroying my phone, recording me, mocking me… You threw all of my Sam’s club groceries all out in the yard and you banged my purse and smashed it like 10 times in a rage against the dash

You turned into a monster and I truly saw who you are.

THAT is who I know you are. That is what you turned me into after I saw that side of you. Because I knew that if I was to forgive that man, I’d have to put up my defenses and I did.

You don’t like that I’m not going to let you say those things to me and I stop putting up with you and I shut you out. Then you always come back and pretend some more like we are able to be friends at least and maybe friends with benefits. And we do sometimes have a few good days and then wam! You find some reason to fucking torture me about something and you begin getting annoyed with me and it’s like dude….

Dude. You’re a grown ass man now. Remember that? Take accountability for your actions! Stop bullying me when I’m not the enemy!!!

You had no right to block me Thursday night. You doing that was so blatantly abrupt and you knew exactly how I would react…

Didn’t stop you… you needed my attention. So you got cruel to be sure to ruin my weekend…

Sounds so familiar…

And I get ridiculed for staying in and being one with my mind

Because the conversation between this online version between you and me

Is so much deeper than whatever we see in real life.

I don’t think you get it. I’m so much more intelligent than you’d ever give me credit for… but if I was anyone else, you’d be attracted to their mind…

You are really good at your game. I feel so sorry for Vanessa. She was one hell of a fighter and I do wish her well. She was a cool chick when I met her. But what do I know? I was a drunk back then.

I was way too open and honest with you about my whole world and all of my feelings and thoughts but you were obviously so caught up in yourself to pay attention to me.

It wouldn’t matter what I said, whatever you said had to be the opposite. You’re a ‘one-upper’ for some reason. It makes me feel invalidated. It makes me feel insecure. And small.

But I know you like that.

[shecouldntbetamed]

All I wanted was to believe that I really meant something to you. I wanted so badly to believe that you were telling me the truth. But actions speak a hell of a lot louder than the lies you told, and the lies I told myself. I should have trusted myself. I was right about you all along, and now I have to face myself every day knowing that I doubted myself. That I failed myself, AGAIN. I didn’t even need you. I didn’t think it would hit me this hard when you inevitably dropped your mask again, but it hurts a lot more this time because I fooled myself into believing what I wanted to believe was true.

Turns out my heart is smarter than I ever gave it credit for. My defenses and my gut intuition were warning me, trying to protect me. But my dumb ass didn’t listen.

[shecouldntbetamed]

Fuck. You did it again.

I am officially the worlds biggest fucking idiot.

When will I learn that you are not a good person? That all you did was use me and pretend to be someone who you obviously aren’t?

I knew the mask was just that. I KNEW BETTER.

I will never forgive myself for falling for it all over again.

What the fuck was I thinking?!?

Seriously, I would have been better off if I’d never ever fucking met you. I wish I could get all those wasted years back.

[shecouldntbetamed]

It seems that all you want out of life is to hurt me and then heal me by wearing a mask and then hurt me even more when you decide to rip it off. You want to put a thousand bandaids on me and then buy me a lollipop.

[shecouldntbetamed]

“You are not a reflection of the people who can’t love you.”

— Caitlyn Siehl