crying after reading this for the 374748274477198th time..
Love Never Is
pairing: y/n and Matt sturniolo
summary: Love is never what it seems. It's not like the books or novels. It's not a simple as it seems. But she doesn't believe in love anyways so it's nothing something she has to worry about. That is until she falls into it and it gets ripped away from her. The love is real, painfully real.
warnings: sad af. angst, mentions of depressing stuff.
i put my HEART and SOUL into this please read it all the way through even though its long. AGAIN thank you for the love, love you all
xoxo Autumn as always
âthen maybe we should just break up!â
Frozen in time. A sentence you never thought youâd hear fall from him mouth, but as you walked home you couldnât stop hearing it ring in the back of your mind.
You didnât allow yourself to cry in front of him, not wanting to show your true emotions on the subject of breaking up. If thatâs what he wanted, you do it. Because you loved him.
To selfishly and embarrassingly cry in front of him was just something that you didnât allow your body to do.
âIs that what you want?â
He stayed silent looking down at the ground, down at his shoes. You turned your head at his silence letting his words truly sink into your veins. Feeling the power of them washing over you like bullets on skin.
It was horrible.
âYeah maybeâ
You nodded looking towards your feet. It wasnât fair. This wasnât fair. You were suppose to be in love. Things werenât suppose to be hard. You were suppose to be happy. Why was this happening?
Looking down at you soaked tennis shoes in the puddles of rain, you questioned everything heâs ever said. Every time he said that he loved you. Every time he kissed you until you both erupted into fits of laughter.
Was it even real?
You guys never fought, but you never thought the first fight would end up like this.
Fighting back the urge to ask him if he even loved you anymore was almost too impossible to bear, so instead you didnât say anything else and left. The worst part about it all was that he didnât try to stop you.
He let you leave, because after all thatâs what he wanted. Even if it killed you, you were at his mercy. You would do anything he asked you to, even if that meant to walk away.
Matt looked up as he heard you start to walk out after you didnât respond. His mind screamed at him donât let her walk out, but his feet didnât move. He stayed frozen in time.
He didnât even know how the fight happened. One minute you were laughing the next minute you were screaming at each other like you werenât the couple everyone wished they were.
But Matt was never into putting on the show for the public. Sure everyone had their own ideas of what you two were, if any of it was even real. But he didnât care to prove them right or wrong because if he just had you at the end of the day, that was enough.
You were always enough.
You were gentle and kind. You never raised your voice. You were patient with him, even in times when he was acting like a child. So when you walked out, that was the last thing he ever expected you to do.
Without another word.
Without even trying to fight him.
You just left.
The slamming of the door is something that was ringing in his mind. As he stood in the kitchen staring at the door waiting for you to walk back in, but you didnât. And he didnât understand why.
I guess this was unmarked territory. He had never said anything like this before, and especially not this harshly to you. He loved you. He never spoke to you this way.
The thing that broke him the most is that you let him.
He didnât know how long he stood there but it was long enough before the door started to open again. His eyes still trained on the door, he stepped forward. Ready to apologize. Ready to take it all back. To tell you he was sorry. And that he loved you.
But it wasnât you.
It was Chris and Nick laughing and talking to each other as they walked through the doorway having no idea what just unfolded in the kitchen moments before. Well, what felt like moments. By now, from the sun now being fully set, it has been hours he stood there waiting for you to come back.
There had been words screamed between to people so deeply in love that were never meant to be spoken. There was ashes on the floor that was once their relationship that Chris and Nick were now walking into.
Mattâs eyes stayed on his brother and they looked to him. Their laughs halting when they saw their brothers face. He looked torn to shreds.
âMatt?â
Tears fell from his eyes from the sound of his name being called. He didnât even feel like Matt. He didnât feel like himself. He felt destroyed. He was nothing without you, what was he thinking?
They rushed over to him as he fell to the ground in sobs. Asking him over and over what happened, but all he could do was shake his head.
-
Youâd never had your heartbroken before. You read about in books, seen it in movies, and even had some close friends go through what you thought was the worst.
Youâd memorized love stories as a kid, learning the in and outs of what makes love, love. Studying it harder than any lesson in school. It fascinated you. Seeing how people can be simply change front the feeling of another human being, just simply loving you.
Thatâs what first drew you into to the science major. Seeing the chemical engineering of it all, of what makes one fall so deeply in love?
Most of it being unexplained, but other parts being feelings of euphoria being released by the brain in chemical forms of dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. Which can occur simply by looking at the one you love.
All though youâve studied countless hours trying to figure out what makes someone fall in love, you never really truly believed in it.
You wanted to. Oh, you wanted to so badly. But to never have experienced it, made it hard for you to truly believe in it.
Because as wonderful as love had been taught to you at an early age, you knew the dark side of it. The fights, the cheating, the breaking up. You didnât understand how someone who you could once love, you could cheat on or break up with.
Which made you circle back to square one in your research when you thought about that factor. You didnât believe that you wouldnât cheat on someone if you loved them. Because you felt that sometimes you could cheat on someone and still love them in one way or another.
Knowing you had that person at home, didnât mean you didnât find another attractive. Your father had cheated on your mother, but they stayed together. That didnât mean he didnât love her.
He tried the rest of his life to win her back at the peek of your childhood, which he ultimately failed. But he never was once seen with another women, because he loved her so deeply.
You believed humans were flawed whether they showed it or not. You didnât think this theory justified cheating, or made it right in any manner whatsoever. Seeing how destroyed you mother was after once being so deeply in love with your father.
You just thought this meant love was more complicated that it is portrayed in story books or fairytales. You could go your entire life loving someone and never be able to have them.
You called it the ugly side of love.
The side no one talked about. The torn pages of love stories that no one wants to read.
And you didnât blame them.
No one wants to read how the prince looked at the mistress while his wife was handing right there. They want to read about how they danced at the hall and how he found her missing slipper.
Studies after studies, you never found the answer to your questions. You knew everything about love, everything you could read, but you didnât know the full story.
You had feelings of euphoria in your life, but euphoria didnât mean love. You dance with a boy at your middle school dance, you liked his smile, but you werenât in love.
You first kiss under the bleachers freshman year with the star quarterback, he had nice lips, but you werenât in love.
You were missing the key factor, which was actually experiencing it. Your mother suggested that if your nose wasnât in your study books youâd actually have time to look up and fall in love.
So thatâs what you did. You put the books down and looked up. Just in time to catch wondering blue eyes.
What you didnât know then that you are starting to realize now is that you had spent your whole life looking and dreaming of love and what it really is, that you had opened your entire heart up the first time you fell into it.
A lot of people argue that you can fall in love with multiple people throughout you lifetime, even falling out of love with some from the past. And maybe thatâs true but thatâs not what you believed.
You think that you could love many people, because you did. But falling in love, to your definition, only happened once. The deep sickening feeling of falling at 100 miles per hour, not even caring if you hit the ground. That, only happened once.
You also thought âlove at first sightâ was bullshit. You cannot love someone without knowing them, truly knowing them. A glance in someoneâs direction isnât going to make you fall out of your chair and fall into love.
If anything, with your entire life revolving around your studies of love. It only made you more skeptical of it all in the first place. You wanted so badly to fall in love, that you thought you had mentally blocked yourself from allowing it to happen to you unknowingly.
You didnât fall in love with him at first.
You thought he was too sarcastic. His eyes were too blue, and his flirting abilities were laughable.
It was his persistence that made you fall in love with him. The way he looked at you. The way he cared about whatever you had to say. The little things he remembered about you.
No one talked about how falling in love way scary. Maybe because no one thought like you did. No one did the research that you did. Everyone else was going along falling in love for the night, if that meant they could feel something.
But you weâre different. And he saw that in you. Which only made him fall in love with you faster.
You were terrified. You remembered the exact moment you fell in love with him. And no it wasnât because he found you âperfect fitting slipperâ or flew across the country to kiss you âone last timeâ. Or anything like you read in the novels.
You in his living room. Youâd been dating a few months at this point. He was half asleep, laying above next you, you feet sprawled out on his lap. The movie was almost over and he agreed to let want pride and prejudice for the 50th time.
It was your favorite movie, and he knew that. So almost every night he sucked it up and sat there and would watch it with you over and over.
As he dowsed off the sleep, you thought about that. As you whispered almost every line in the movie to yourself. You knew every line by this point. You looked over at him as the main characters confessed their love to one another.
You always thought that part was too cheesy. You always thought Darcy was an idiot and didnât treat Elizebeth Bennett right, but they loved each other in their own way.
So you looked over at Matt, while they spoke on the screen in front of you. Trying to escape the unrealistic love story to look at your own.
His eyes were closed and his chest as rising and lowering softly with his breathes. Youâd think he was asleep but his hands were on your feet, rubbing them softly as he tried not to fall asleep.
You looked over as one hand was placed, soothing your foot and the other was on you knee rubbing small circles.
You heart clenched when you realized.
You had fallen in love with him.
A stupid small act that came tumbling over every realization that your brain had hidden from view, all falling in front of your eyes. You loved him.
The bone chilling, falling at 100 miles per hour. terrifying love. It was him.
The scariness of it all didnât fade until a month later. You didnât want to ruin this for yourself by scaring away, because losing him meant a whole lot more now to you than it did a month ago.
He just had no idea.
To bring you that you had fallen in love, to you was almost scarier than realizing you had fallen into it in the first place.
So you waited. Until he said it first. Because the thought of saying it to early and scaring him away wouldnât be worth the downfall.
Matt never thought too much about love, not nearly as half as much as she did. But that didnât mean he cared about it any less.
He thought that two people liked it each other enough to get married and comfortable and it was easy. He learned quickly it was not easy.
Not everyone was as tender hearted as him. There were mean girls out there who only wanted him for one thing. He learned that lesson quickly.
So he went from open heart to a closed down bunker in a matter of a couple years with a few bad experiences. Heâd even got worse than his brother Chris.
Granted, Chris had never had a relationship before. He thought they were stupid. Matt being the more kind hearted one of the group he was open to dating and talking to girl, even though his anxiety ate him alive over it.
Burned one harsh time, and it was over for him.
He never understood the concept of cheating. He thought âjust break up with them if you want to be with someone elseâ. He thought everyone thought that way, that everyone thought just like him.
He learned quickly he was wrong in high school when he came into the locker room early for practice and saw one of his teammates making out with his girlfriend.
He didnât understand the physical pain of it. He thought, yeah cheating sucks. But the heart dropping, canât sleep, sickening feeling. He learned the hard way.
He didnât love the girl, but he really liked her. And she spit in his face.
Years later he was still turned off completely to the thought of falling in love. Didnât occur to him, it was the absolute last thing on his mind. He was more concerned with growing his business, making memories with his brothers, and the overall happiness of his well-being. He didnât need a girl or any kind of love to make that happen for him.
Love wasnât a quintessential need in life, it was luxury. A luxury he wasnât going to roll the dice for. He was fine just how he was. He didnât need anything else.
That was until her.
He didnât know why he felt the need to talk to her that day. He never went out of his way to socialize with people especially with a schedule as packed as his. He quite literally had 10 minutes to go in grab a coffee and speed to his next meeting.
But she kept looking at him. And it wasnât in a way that made him think she knew who he was. She looked almost curious. She was reading âthe language of birdsâ.
He sat to himself in the line thinking, âwho the hell read about birds?â. He paused as he gripped his coffee and had one hand pressed on the glass door, reading to push it open and continue on with his day to forget about the bird girl in the coffee shop.
But something stopped him. He felt almost a draw to her. He felt stupid even thinking it. A draw to her? Like some force of gravity pulling me towards her? This isnât a movie, this is real life.
He thought he was stupid, just having an off day. But he turned around walking up to her. She looked up at him through her book, setting it down peering up at him.
She had beautiful long lashes and glossed lips and eyes that sank into his so much it made him lose confidence.
âBirds?â He asked, the only thing that was able to come out of his mouth. Her eyebrows furrowed as she chewed on her gloss lips. What the hell is he talking about? She thought. He looked down to the book in her hands.
the language of birds
She blinked down at her book, feeling her face light up. âRightââ she said shaking her head and closing her book. He smiled at her embarrassment. Not that he was happy she was embarrassed, but it allowed him to be less nervous at her reaction to him.
She shook her head. âItâs not about birdsâ she said not looking up at him. His eyebrows furrowed. She glanced up at him. She sighed and closed her eyes.
âI mean it is butââ she shook her head as he chuckled slightly at her. She smiled and blinked up at him, licking her lips slightly. Making his eyes trail down to her lips and then back up to her eyes.
âIt more about their journey in life when they are away from their king, and how they manage their emotions in finding themselves when they are not with the person who told them what to do and think. They travel around looking for him once they realized they are lost, but then realize they find something more powerful on their ownââ she said scanning the book like sheâs never seen it before.
I just smiled down at her as she rambled on. She glanced up at me finally. âSorryâ she apologized shaking her head. I shook my head pursuing my lips as I sat down across from her. She just watched me as he face slightly softened.
âWhat did they find?â He asked looking at her with a smile smile. She just blinked at me for a second. âWhat?â She said barley above a whisper. He pointed towards the book in her hand.
âThe birds. What did they find?â He asked again, making her breath out. âOhâright. They found that they are powerful in themselves. That they donât need someone to tell them what to think and they realized they could do it on their own, they just had to be apart to figure it outâ she finished setting the book down in front of her.
He couldnât stop smiling at her. He had never heard someone talk the way she did. So elegantly, but so unsure. Like she knew what she was talking about, but she was embarrassed to admit knowing anything at all.
âHow do you know youâre only half way throughâ He pointed out her book-marker only half way in between the pages of the lengthy book. She glanced down and shrugged.
âItâs one of my favorites, itâs like my fifth time reading itâ she admitted. He nodded slowly. She just looked at him. Like he was a foregin creature getting ready to pounce.
âSorry if you wanted to read it. I just spoiled the whole thingâ she mumbled looking down.
It was almost refreshing for him, since he always felt to be on the other side of the attack. Always being nervous, anxious, scared. He didnât mean or like to make her feel that way, but it was nice to talk to her and not feel that way and let someone else fill that role.
âWhatâs your name?â He asked looking at her. âY/nâ she spoke slowly like she was unsure of her own name. He laughed slightly. âAre you sure?â He asked. Her eyes widened. âWhat?â She asked back confused. Had he thought sheâd had given him the wrong name?
âYou didnât seem so sure about itâ he said looking down at the coffee in his hand. She smiled closing her eyes, before nodding. âYes, Iâm sure. My name is y/nâ She breathed letting out of a bit of her anxiety.
He smiled and nodded. âIâm Mattâ He breathed. She nodded. âIs it short for Matthew?â She asked smally. He smiled and nodded softly. She nodded back.
âDo you read?â She asked. He shook his head. She looked down at her book. âWell if you ever want to get into it, this books a great oneâ she smiled at him. He smiled at her, thatâs all heâd seem to be doing.
He wanted to know things about her. He wanted to know why she was sitting alone. Why she was reading books that looked dated back to the 1800s. What was with this girl?
He felt a buzz in his pocket. Snapping him out of his thoughts. It was Chris. Fuck. He was already suppose to be at the meeting. He turned off his phone and stood up. Her eyes followed him.
âI have to goâ he stated. She just looked at him. He looked towards the side. âDo you think the book only has one meaning?â He asked suddenly. She just blinked at him. He didnât even know what he was saying at this point. He just knew he was to keep taking to her.
âYouâve read it five times, have you found the same meaning in it every time?â He asked looking down at the book. She glanced down at the book picking it up.
âUmâ she sighed looking at it and then shrugging. âI guess I find something new every time I read itâ she smiled at him. He nodded.
âI hope you find something new this time, y/nâ He sighed and then turned on his feet. Leaving the girl with her thoughts. She sighed looking down at her lap after she left feeling like s failure.
All these books about love and she could barley talk to a cute boy. She looked up as he pushed the door and walked out of the coffee shop.
He smiled to himself as he left. Even if he never saw her again, it was nice to talk to someone who didnât know who he was or wasnât his brothers.
Now he was in a pickle being almost 20 minutes last for the meeting now..
âWaitâ
He paused before turning and seeing the girl running up to him. He smiled seeing her again, not picturing her the type to come running after him. She stopped slightly out of breath in front of him from scrambling her things together quickly without thinking.
âIââ she breathed looking down at the book in her hand. He looked down at it. âYou should read itâ She said holding the book out for him to take. He looked down at the book.
âTell me if you find something I missedâ she smiled up as he took the book out her hands and scanned it with his fingers. She stood in front of him not knowing really what to say next.
He nodded, biting back a smile. âI donât wanna take your bookâ He said feeling guilty attempting to hand it back. She shook her head stepping back.
âI have like a million copies, just take itâ she smiled shaking her head. He smiled and nodded stepping back. He looked down at the book shaking his head.
âHow do I tell you what I find?â He asked looking down at her. She smiled stepping forward and opening the book to the front page.
if lost return to y/n
1800-562-99216
He smiled. Who writes their number in books? He thought to himself. He looked up but she was already walking away.
He didnât know then what the interaction had him in for. He stayed home the rest of the week, just trying to read the book. As he started it he just wanted to get through it. Thinking it was going to be a boring out of date read. The only reason he was reading it so fast was because he just wanted to call her.
He wanted to find something she had not found, but by their simple conversation he didnât think heâd be able to. She was smart. Really smart. He wasnât as smart as her.
As he read on he got deeper into the book, unable to put it down. Even putting off other things that he used to deem more important. Getting unapproved comments from Chris. Like âWhy the fuck are you reading about birds?â and things like that.
He got through the book in three days before typing the number into his phone slightly hovering over the call button, slightly nervous. Knowing what he wanted to say, but didnât know if it was stupid.
It rang twice before she answered.
Expressing ideas of a book, something Matt never pictured himself doing. Or even enjoying but here he was. Laughing and talking with someone over a book about birds, or not so much about birds.
âThen why did he go back to the king after they realized everything?â He asked leaning back against his headboard. She sighed over the phone.
âI donât know, it the one part of the book I never really understood. Some people just like the comfort of being told what to do instead of doing things their own way. I guess itâs just a symbolization of how people know right from wrong but still chose the wrong side most of the timeâ she said softly. He smiled.
âI never thought about it that wayâ he whispered. She hummed. âI was just mad at the bird for going back even after all heâs learnedâ He shook his head.
âMatt, itâs a birdâ She chuckled over the phone, making him laugh. âNo, but I get what youâre saying. Itâs really eye opening, seeing how people fall into the same patterns. People like to be comfortable, anything that threatens that they run away from even if itâs the better endingâ she sighed.
Matt pressed his lips together as he looked down at the book. âWhat that thing for you?â He asked looking down. She stayed silent on the other end of the phone for a second. Her mind raced. The first and obvious choice came to mind, but she had just met this boy once.
Mention love and heâd be running for the hills.
âY/n?â
She blinked out of her thoughts. âUm, I donât knowâ she sighed. He hummed. âYouâre a smart girl, you must have some thoughts on how this correlates to your lifeâ he said through the phone. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
âI guess soâ she said shaking her head as she paced her room. Was this a good idea? Comfortable. This is what you were talking about, pushing out of your comfort zone.
âI guess, this conversation?â She said almost questioning. His eyebrows furrowed. âWhat?â He asked. She closed her eyes.
âIn the most non loser way possibleââ she bit her lip. âI study science as my major and I always think about how people fall in love and what it takes the chemical engineering behind it allâ She explained. He crossed his arm, his phone pressed to his ear just listening.
âAnd I guess it makes me uncomfortable. It just like scares me? I donât know.â She sighed. âI guess Iâm scared to fall in loveâ She admitted, goosebumps filling her arms as he stayed silent on the other end of the line.
âAre you telling me your falling in love with me, y/n?â He chuckled, making her smile and shake her head. âNo Iââ she smiled. âIâm kidding, I understand that. Itâs hard to understand it, but I donât think the answers are in science books. They are experiencesâ He said blankly.
She nodded before sighing into the phone.
âYou sound like my motherâ She joked as she sat on her bed. He chuckled into the phone. He looked down at his phone seeing the time. âHave we really been talking about birds for an hour?â He asked making her chuckle.
âI guess we haveâ She said softly. He noticed she used âI guessâ a lot. Sheâs very smart for a girl whoâs constantly unsure. He turned over on his bed and sighed.
âWhat are you doing Friday?â He asked making her heart stop for a brief second. She shook her head. âIâI donât knowâ she said softly. He smiled.
âDo you want to do something with me?â He asked. She wanted to. But she was scared, which made her not want to. She swallowed.
âLike what?â She asked cracking her fingers. âI donât know. Do you have book on elephants? They are my favoriteâ he joked over the phone making her roll her eyes.
âI donâtâ she smiled. He groaned. âI guess dinner will have to do thenâ He smiled, she looked down at her feet smiling stupidly at herself.
âI guess soâ She said softly.
âIâll text youâ
-
The story emerged from there. About three months into being officially together, he fell in love with her. In the stupidest way possible.
He didnât see himself falling in love, never imagined himself falling completely in love with another human being such as he had.
It wasnât a scary feeling. It was more of a joyful feeling that he didnât expect. He didnât read much about love like her, but he didnât know how much he needed it until he had it.
She had picked out Pride and Prejudice again for what felt like the millionth time to him. But he shut his mouth as she pressed play, because he knew if he agreed to watch it she would lay on him, clinging on to him. He would be able to look down at her for almost two hours without her noticing, her breathing slightly against him.
He moved her hand through her hair, as the movie played. Somewhere throughout the movie, she shifted putting her legs against his lap. He looked over at her as she mumbled the lines of the actors on the film in front of them to herself.
He smiled.
And that was it.
Thatâs when he realized he loved her. But he was scared to say it. He had on his mind on repeat.
âI guess Iâm scared to fall in loveâ
He closed his eyes looking back to the screen, feeling a turn in his chest. He didnât want to scare her away from telling her that he had fallen in love with her, especially if she didnât feel the same way. So he would just wait for her to say it, to play it safe. Just so he knows for sure he wont lose her.
They fell in love in the same moment and didnât even know it.
-
Months past with the unspoken words âI love youâ. Almost slipping out of eitherâs mouth close to a hundred times, before catching themselves and covering it up.
Hey mind raced with insecurities. Had she gotten it wrong? Had he not fallen in love with her also? Was she just falling deeper and deeper into love with him and he just didnât feel the same way?
He acted as he loved her, but the words never fell off his lips. It made her stomach turn. She had never even thought of the possibility, what do you do when you fall in love with someone and they donât love you back?
Searching for answers in books tears streaming down her face as she ripped out the pages. She hasnât studied this. She hadnât even thought of the possibility. What had she done wrong? Was it something she wasnât doing? Was it her? Why hasnât he said it?
She was flipping through a new addition of the chemical engineering psychology book that her professor had just given to her. She had a conversation with her professor, saying enough without saying too much, and he had given her this book.
Matt walked into the room before walking up to her and kissing the side of her head. âHi baby, what are you reading?â He asked wrapping his arms around her from behind and laying his head against her shoulder.
She leaned back against his touch, she always did. But lately the only thing sheâs been thinking about is how their eight month anniversary is next week and he still hasnât told her that he loved her.
Endless nights of staring sleepless at the ceiling wondering if she was even good enough to be loved. Barley now focusing on the feeling of falling, because of the anxiety of the the fear of him not.
âReadingâ she said softly flipping through the pages. He looked down at the pages, not understanding half the words laid out in front of her. âYouâre so smartâ he whispered kissing her cheek, making her smile.
She liked when he called her smart. She prided herself on her intelligence. It was what she loved most about herself and the fact thatâs what Matt loved most about her, only made her fall harder.
A lot of girls were insecure physically about themselves, but no y/n was always insecure mentally. Panicking if she wasnât the smartest person in the room.
A lot of guys were threatened about her intelligence, most men donât like being dumbed down by a femaleâs intelligence, but Matt loved it. Priding her. Telling her âI love how youâre so much smarter than meââ.
âButâ Matt said flipping the book closed in front of them. She sighed looking up at him as he grabbed her arm and stood her up leaning down to her.
âTake a break, youâre killing your brainâ he said kissing her nose softly. She smiled. âI canâtââ she said looking back at the closed book. âYou canâ He said holding her hands. She smiled and looked down.
âCome on, Iâll run you a bathâ he said pushing the hair out of her face. Her heart clenched. Why do you act like you love me but you donât say it. She didnât reply. He sighed. âIâll wash your hairrrrâ he sang, making her smile slightly. He pulled her arm as he walked away, but she stood her ground making the pull back cause him to turn around to look at her.
His smiled dropped when seeing her face. She looked down at her feet distress on her face. He walked back up to her. âHeyâ he said softly. She didnât looked up at him.
âY/n, whatâs wrong?â He asked quietly placing a hand on her cheek. She glanced up at him and then back down sighing.
âMatt why are you with me?â She asked looking at him. His eyebrows furrowed. âWhat?â He asked not understanding where she was coming from. Y/n was a lot of things, but she wasnât insecure. At least not in front of him.
Sheâd never questioned their relationship to him and it he was being honest his heart was beating out of his chest at the possibility of her breaking up with him.
âWhy are you with me? Why are we together?â She asked softly. Doubt filling her head. She was terrified at this conversation because this might be the end. If he didnât love her, she would have to walk away. And that scared her more than being in a one sided relationship.
He stared at her attempting to read her mind. What did she want him to say. He dropped her hand and ran his hand through his hair.
âBecause you make me happyâ He said looking down at her. Her frown didnât move.
Because I love you, he wanted to say.
âAnd youâre beautiful and smartâ
Because I love you
âAnd I loveââ her eyes looked up. âSpending time with youâ he said running his hand down her arm. She bit her lip and looked to the side.
âAnd what else? What else do you love?â She asked desperately for answers. If he didnât love her, what was he getting out of it? He shook his head looking down at his girlfriend.
âI donâtââ he stuttered not understanding. She huffed shaking her head. âLike do you loveââ She shook her head looking down.
âDo you love me?â She asked looking up at him with teary eyes. He froze looking at her. âBecause I love the hell out of you and I have for a long time, and Iâve been waiting for you to say it andâandââ she shook her head, spilling everything out.
He smiled down at her, pulling her slightly towards him and pressing their lips together. He smiled against her, before pulling back and pressing his forehead against hers.
âIâm so fucking in love with you y/nâ Matt smiled, making her fear drop from her chest. She smiled. âReally?â She asked blinking at him. He nodded. âI didnât want to scare you off, I know how scared you of it and I wanted to wait on youâ he said honestly.
She smiled and shook her head.
âYou donât make it scaryâ she breathed, making him smile. He stepped back sighing. âGod, Iâm so sorry, y/nâ he shook his head. âNow I feel like a complete assholeâ He said looking down at her.
He wasnât saying it get out of her being mad at him or in a manipulative way. He genuinely felt guilty for not knowing that she was waiting on him. He probably scared her to death.
She shook her head stepped forward and wrapping her hands around his shoulders. âNo baby, no. Iâm sorry.â She apologized making him smile that she was apologizing. He shook his head.
âI love you, I love you, I love you. Oh my god. This feels so good to say it out loud.â He said leaning down and kissing all over her face making her giggle and push him away.
âI love you tooâ She laughed. He ran forward before picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder. She laughed above him.
âPut me down!â She laughed kicking her feet. He shook his head. He was going to show her just how much he loved her.
-
A memory so far away that now seems like it never even happened. The only one circulating your brain was the one that happened just hours ago. The rest turning into darkness like it never happened.
âMattâ you yelled at you opened the door. He didnât turn around as he walked through the kitchen. âMatthewâ you stated making him pause and turn around. His face was angry. An expression he never wore when looking at her. Maybe at his brothers, but never her.
âThat was ridiculousâ I breathed looking at it. It was. He acted like a child. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. âSo you can get mad at Sage, but I canât get mad at a guy eye-fucking you?â He asked walking back up to me.
She cringed at the eye-fucking. He never really spoke like that and you didnât like it when he didnât.
âI didnât get mad at Sageâ she stated calmly. He scoffed shaking his head. âSo what? You just pulled me away and told me off for like 20 minutes for shits and giggle?â He asked throwing his hands up.
She shook her head.
âI did not tell you off. I told you I didnât like the fact thatâs she was tracing the tattoos on your arm with her cheap press on nailsâ She said through gritted teeth trying not to get angry. He shook his head.
âSage and I have been friends for a long time. Way before we started datingâ he said motioning between them. She rolled her eyes. Why was he acting like this?
âOh yeah? Why have I never heard her name before tonight?â She said walking up to him. He shook his head looking away before turning and starting to walk away.
He didnât want to act this way in front of her, but he was angry. She deserves better so he was gonna walk away.
âDonât walk away from meâ she spat making him pause in his tracks. He closed his eyes as he turned back around. âY/n. Iâm gonna say something I regret. Just go homeâ he shook his head at her, but she shook her head back feeling tears brim at her eyes.
âNo. Talk to me. We donât do this, we donât fightâ She shook her head mentally pleading with him. He knew she was right, but he was clouded with anger, stepping towards her.
âLeaveâ he breathed.
âNoâ she shook her head.
âYou were out of line admit itâ She said making him roll his eyes. âNo, I wasnât. Youâre my girlfriend and another guy was all over youâ He argued down at her. She shook her head.
âWe were speaking!â She said throwing her hands up. âYou didnât have to grab me like I was your property Matt. And I think he got the message before you went all âYeah our one year is next wekk. Weâre soooo in loveâââ She shook her head.
He clenched his jaw and turned his head. âYeah and you grabbing my arm and all of the sudden telling me very loudly how much you âloved the bracelet I got youâ while shoving it in her face was any better?â He asked making her look down and shake her head.
âYouâre not my property y/n. But your my girlfriend. Iâm not gonna cheat on you likeââ he said shaking his head. She looked up at him glaring.
âWhat? Like my dad and my mom?â She asked shaking her head. He looked down shaking his head. âI never said thatâ He shook his head stepping towards her. She shook her head stepping back.
âNo but you implied it, you assholeâ She said shaking her head feeling tears come to my eyes. He glared at her.
âIâm an asshole? Really? You wouldnât even look at me on the way homeâ He asked shaking his head. âBecause Iâm fucking mad at you!â She screamed making the world go still. She never raised her voice. She never cursed at him. He scoffed.
âSo weâre doing this now huh?â He asked.
âIâm not doing thisâ She said stepping back tired of arguing. âOh no, you can say that to me, but Iâm not allowed to say anything back?â He asked throwing his hands up.
She sighed trying to contain her composure before she says something she really regrets.
âYou were right, we need to walk away. Our one year is next week and weâre both angry and-â
âNo you started this and you donât want the repercussions. You always do thisâ He said looking down at her. Her mouth fell open.
âI always do this?â She asked shaking her head.
âYes, you always do thisâ He nodded. Sheâd never been this angry at someone she loved so much.
âAdmit that guy was flirting with youâ he said loudly. She shook her head. They were talking. She hadnât even noticed if he was flirting with her because she doesnât look at anyone else like that other than him. Because why would she need to if she had him?
âAdmit it, that girl wanted youâ She whispered back. He glared at her. Heâs not thought about a girl like that since he saw her in the coffee shop with that bird book. He thought that girl was genuinely interested in his tattoos.
He shook his head.
âNoâ he said back. She nodded looking down.
âThen call me when you get you head out of you assâ She shook her head and stepped back. He shook his head.
âCall me when you get your head out of those damn booksâ He spat making her pause and her eyes water.
âI hate youâ She whispered. His heart dropped but he didnât show it on his face. She didnât mean it, he knew she didnât. But it still hurt as if she did mean it.
âThatâs all you ever care about right? Being the smartest person in the room? You always have to be right donât you?â He said his eyes watering. She shook her head.
âYou know thatâs not trueâ She breathed. He shook his head. He did but he wasnât admitting it.
âI donât maybe it is!â He yelled.
âMaybe youâre just an insecure asshole!â
âMaybe we should just break up!â
-
After the end of all this, she realized that she was never scared of falling in love. How could one be? Falling in love is amazing. She knows first hand. Yeah itâs scary at first, but to love truly by another human being is worth it being scary.
No, she wasnât afraid of falling in love. She was afraid of falling in love and then losing it. She was terrified to get hurt. To lose him. Because nothing else matter if she had him.
If she had him, everything was okay. When she lost him, what was the point?
Reading any love story. Watching any movies. What was the point?
Because she had fallen in love, and she lost it. She lost him. The blood curdling, heart clenching, falling at 100 miles per hour terrifying love. and now it was gone. Ripped away from her like it never belonged to her.
It wasnât fair.
But I guess love never is.
Days went by by and she didnât eat, she didnât sleep, she couldnât breathe without him. She thought the books that wrote about this type of pain were exaggerating. They werenât. Simple enough they werenât.
The science books running through her brain. It was just a chemical feeling. The emotions, you can control them. But you couldnât. You canât.
Science canât take away this type of pain. This isnât the type of that you can explain or type out into words. Itâs the most excruciating type of pain one whoâs been in love can feel. And the only person who can make I better is the one that hurt you.
The day of silence after was the worst part. All day she waited by her phone all day, her door all day. Silence. Dead silence.
The amount of times she reached for the phone or grabbed her keys to go to his house, but stopped herself. She couldnât. He wanted it. And she loved him. She would embarrassingly do anything he asked of her. And he didnât want her. So thatâs what he got. Because she loved him, and it was killing her.
-
âGive her time, she will come to youâ Chris pushed Matt back as he charged at him. âNo she wonât youâyou donât know her-â he cried looking at his brother. Nick and Chris looked at each other theyâve never seen their brother like this before. They didnât know what to do.
âOur one year is tomorrow andâandââ He choked. âNo itâs not yall broke upâ Chris shook his head. Mattâs heart clenched. No we didnât. His mind raised. Itâs not over me for. It will never be over for me.
âWhat are you gonna say huh? You have to think of something better than Iâm sorry. You canât just say Iâm sorryâ Nick shook his head at Matt. Matt gripped his hair shaking his head. He didnât know what to do. He just wanted to go back. If he could just go back, he could fix everything. Take it all back. Not say those harsh words.
He hated himself for hurting her. It was eating him alive.
Then it clicked. It all clicked.
-
She hadnât been going to classes and she definitely wasnât going today. It was their one year. Well suppose to be there one year. If everything didnât happen. If she didnât start something that he finished. If she just didnât say those things to him, just didnât say anything. She would still be happy. He would still be in love.
She turned over on her bed falling into the groups of book by her bed that she had laid out. But no, science couldnât fix this. She wasnât even sure she could fix this. All she knew was that she just wanted to rip her heart out of her chest, that would hurt less than this.
She swallowed and sat up. She felt dizzy. When was the last time I drank some water? She thought. She reached over to her desk and grabbed a water fumbling with the cap and spilling it all over her. She sighed standing up and pulling her shirt over her head.
She didnât even look herself in the mirror. She couldnât. She pulled out one of Mattâs shirt before she decided sheâs tortured herself enough and just throwing on an old tshirt of her own.
There was a knock at the door. She turned her head. No. Itâs not him. She thought. Itâs probably just your mother, asking you why youâre not showing up to classes. Something youâve prided yourself in, your schoolwork and it was all slipping behind.
It wasnât fair. Going through this. And he hasnât even called. She teared but before she heard the knock again. She turned before walking out of her room and down the steps. She sighed before opening the door.
Matt stood there staring down at her. Tears in his eyes. She looked up at him. Her heart clenched. She didnât know what to do. She stood frozen. She shook her head slightly.
âY/n. Listen to me just listenââ he said placing his hand on the door. She blinked at him. âOr donât listen, just readâ He said handing her the book she gave him so long ago.
The language of birds
She looked up at him. âIf lost return to y/n right?â He breathed. She sighed looking down at the book opening it and a note slipped out of it and towards her foot. She furrowed her eyebrows and picked it up opening the note.
Y/n,
I know youâre a big reader and oh is that one of the many things I love about the person I love. Iâm not good a words, as you have seen many times. So instead of saying it i wrote it. You taught me about these birds who are torn away from the king, on their own in unmarked territories and they are terrified. I know what youâre thinking, thatâs us right now, apart from one another. But no. Thatâs not the ending I want or the ending you deserve.
You are the bird, you have always been the bird. You learned how to fly before anyone else and youâre the one who stands up. You fly away into unmarked territory that terrifies you, love. You fell in love first and I fell harder. You were terrified but fell into me even though you were scared. You trust me. You have my your heart and thatâs the bravest and scariest thing you could have done, I know that. Youâre flying back to the king because you want whatâs comfortable, writing off love as your fear forever. But Iâm begging you please stay, donât fly back to the king. I need you hear with me. I always have and I always will.
Iâm changing the ending to this stupid bird story and Iâm not letting you fly away.
Y/n, you are my everything and Iâm an idiot. Iâll always be an idiot, but I will never for as long as I love you the rest of my life will I ever make you feel like I donât love you again. I love you so much. You are my bird.
please.
Tears flooded her eyes before she was even done with the note. She folded it and put it back into the book holding it close to her chest. He waited for her to finish. His heart beating out of his chest.
All that was running through his head was please please please.
She looked up at him. He watched her.
âIâve always hated that ending to that bookâ She smiled as tears fell from her eyes. He sighed smiling.
âMy babyâ he sighed as he wrapped her arms around her as she hugged him, slightly crying against him.
âMy birdâ He whispered against the girl he loved so so much.
So maybe love wasnât a simple as the books or movies. But in the end she knew, it was worth fighting for, even if it wasnât pretty. But then again
Love never is
holyy okay this took all day to write but its my favorite thing ive ever wrote hope you love itâ€ïž
tag list: @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @miastromboli @secret-sturniolo @sturnsclutter @sturniolodreamz @paper-crab @chrisolivia4l @mwah0mwah @recklesssturniolo @ejswift @kitaysworld @meg-sturniolo @nickmillersn1gf @fr3shl0ve @adrianaturnedpretty @oversturn @ghostgurlswrld @flowerxbunnie @ilytrinsworld @lustfulslxt @kiarastromboli @gemofthenight @blahbel668 @haunted-headset @sturnybabes @bethsturn @d3adlyclassrat @sturnybabes @mattsbitch @chrisluvbot @nickenthusiast @sturniolossmut @biimpanicking
618 notes
·
View notes