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Nearly burned the fuck out of someone bc they stopped mid-stride to look at their phone and they had the audacity to be mad at me when I shouted

Fine I'll just run you over next time, hope you like 2nd degree burns <3

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#sometimes i brush against triggers and spiral completely and immediately #but more often #more recently #it's been something more like static #and unexpected and startling jolt #but not painful #not a reason to cry (usually)

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#'can we bring back tea parties' just gave me flashbacks to my grandfather teaching my and my brother to be racists jfc #i want the word association to be sweet again i too like soft colors and little snacks

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!! Thats exactly the shit im talking bout

#im not a cult im just sad #is this why maybe? #did people think this of me?

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Theres this really shitty cycle and it goes:

get upset over being lonely -> worry that not asking for help is selfish -> be upset bc my uncommunicated needs are unmet -> worry that im manipulative for failing to communicate -> somehow know im overreacting -> feel worse about failing to communicate -> get upset over being upset that I cant communicate -> feel guilty for being upset at something I caused -> feel lonely again -> get upset over being lonely

I don't know what to do about it Im just really stuck and tired. I never find the door by myself.

#I just needed an hour to reset my brain but that was too long he wont come now #i told him not to and its been too long for takes backsies

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...you have to to find something else to give your heart to.

- a comment on mothers

#thank you strangers #for leaving things I need where I can find them

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our bridge never burned, it was just left to rot, a half-built reminder of what could have been

#you can tell mothers day is soon because my spirals are getting steeper and faster

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Ofc you can't expect people to read your mind, but I posted 2 back-to-back vents on the secret blog and it summoned my partner for snuggles soo maybe y'all just gotta keep looking

#you know when youre a kid and angry that no one notices you struggling at all #but you've also been conditioned to believe that asking for help is the most awful thing anyone could ever do #so you wish for someone to come ask whats wrong #not even to fix it just to notice #Well apparently thats trauma and people will come help me sometimes #not usually like this this was the weirdest wish fulfilment Ive ever been granted

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trauma wouldn't be so bad if I didn't get to see what it could've been

#i can't watch a happy family without bursting into tears like some kind of loser #being aware of something is worse than useless sometimes #I cant even be petty and blame therapy for pointing it out #wouldve been nice to get coping mechanisms out of it but whatever im self aware thats the same thing to them

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Being aware of trauma is useless wtf am I supposed to do now

"You're reacting that way bc your parents did xyz" ok!! Now i wanna die *and* feel alienated from my family. What next.

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#Yep im so attatched to the 3 ppl who havent left me #No one else ever bothered #Fuck that post i hate jt #Assumes I have friends

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I wish I knew the difference between talking about myself and bragging

Or venting and complaining

Needing help and being lazy

Friends and strangers

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I learned no one knew what they were doing too young and now I both don't trust anyone but give them every ounce of grace when they're mean to me. Kinda sucks.

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#whats it called when you hate yourself for asking for nice things bc it's selfish #im not fucking catholic where did my brain get this shit

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#everyone thought i was cringe #i get it now

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what if i put the worst of me into an oc and toture them instead will that work ??

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I can't find that music video that got recorded in my high school's auditorium (now demolished) all of the houses I lived in have been repainted and renovated (beyond recognition) and everyone is moving so far away but im still stuck here in this place Ive always hated because at least I know it. At least I can recognize the trees.