sexintheraine

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]

“You’re stuck, so I hope you like my last name”

- excuse me while I melt

#personal #texts from him

[sexintheraine]

#personal

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]

I am kind of a force to be reckoned with - and I mean that in the best way. Some people say they want a driven woman. But, I make a lot of money - probably more than you. I’m not here for the insecurity of having to cut back on my lifestyle to build someone else up. I think I figured out why I’m single… just now, in this moment.

I want to be encouraged to live my dreams and strive for something greater. I want to hear that my ideas are brilliant and my execution is flawless. I take pride in the things I create in the same way I will absolutely gush over your latest project.

I want you to be a gentleman. A powerful figure in my life and I want you to be passionate about what you do for work. About your accomplishments, big and small. And about me. Now, don’t get me wrong. You are allowed to have bad days or things that throw you off. But if you’re taking me on. You’re taking on someone that doesn’t need you. Instead, someone who wants you.

#personal

[sexintheraine]

you’d look cute on my lock screen

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]

Why can’t we just be freaks together?

[sexintheraine]

You can’t make this shit up… last night. This morning. The messages in my inbox. The man in my bed.

Holy good lord, he spent the night. A new someone. We went to the local arcade - we bowled and we played infinite amounts of air hockey and racecar games. The Photo Booth where he looked at me with all the intensity in the world. Deep dimples adorning both of our faces. Angels kisses, he called them.

I’m teetering on the edge of all in, and he’s already there.

I could tell something was bothering him. He had a mysterious mind to me. But he kept asking me what I was thinking. But, god I wanted to know the same about him.

I didn’t offer to pay on the date, but normally I do. I probably should have, but his views on being a provider and a leader made me not. However, I definitely should have.

We had deep, serious conversations about our past and our needs and our desires for what’s to come. He told me about his longest relationship and how it was his fault that it ended.

He cheated.

Fucking alarm bells sounded in my mind as a huge red flag, like monumental, swung in the wind. But then, we talked further. I asked questions. I wanted to know his thought process behind making that decision. Opportunity was the answer…

I don’t think I liked that answer very much, though he swears he was a different person then.

… fuck, I believe him. But I’m battling all of it. I don’t want to be thinking “what if” when I don’t see him. I don’t want to wonder or not trust. Trust is huge. Knowing this about him and about his past is shaking me more than I want it to.

It’s so new, but I can already tell that he has so much love to give. He has a new relationship with himself and his old habits, he swears, don’t exist. He’s put in the work to surround himself with good people and great friends. I know that his decision haunts him. He doesn’t want it to push me away.

So, here’s the real question: do I stay?

We stayed up all night talking. He held me, we kissed, we teased and we tasted. This morning, he kissed my cheek before he headed off to work. This morning. I kinda miss him as I sit in my bed and type this. This morning, I’m thoroughly thrilled at the fun of last night.

He is different, in a good way. Attentive, in the best way. I haven’t ever dated anyone like him. I told him that last night. He’s:

The country boy (with a twist - his style alludes a little more urban, he dresses very well)

The muscly guy (I normally go for thin, some muscle is *chefs kiss* but it’s never been required.)

The footballer or the sports guy (yep, always dated the nerds or the musicians over here.)

And I’m just gonna say it: he’s shorter than my norm of 6” and above. It’s not a deal breaker. I mean, how can you hold someone’s height against them? That’s out of their control entirely.

I have a different feeling of comfort with him. Where I want to tell him everything about me & what my brain thinks. Everything that runs through it…

I told him last night that I want to be chosen. I want to be the only one & I don’t want to be afraid that he will hurt me. He promised me he wouldn’t…

I told him if he does. Or if he repeats the actions I now know that he’s done before, I don’t want to know. I don’t want my self esteem harmed by his excruciating mistake. If history does repeat itself - which, he swears it wouldn’t. I just want him to end it. If he had no interest in working it out. I don’t want to know. If I know and he does do that to me. I also know we won’t be able to come back from that. Counseling or not.

So, here’s the real question: do I stay?

I woke up this morning. My inbox: 3 men from my childhood piping in on my thoughts.

One, commenting on a post I made on social media.

Another, asking if I still lived in the area we grew up in. (Yes)

The last, him. Telling me I’m amazing and last night was amazing.

…do I stay?

#personal

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]

[sexintheraine]