sentiment-is-a-chemical-defect

[sentiment-is-a-chemical-defect]

Drowning:-

Almost a year has passed. Exactly 288 days since writing this, since I sent her the final message. The amount of hurt and sadness I feel because of her on a daily basis is just insane. I opened up myself to someone, made myself vulnerable.  I promised myself that never again I would love nor make myself feel something for someone else. But when she first walked in my life, I thought nothing of it. But then the way she treated me, my heart felt attached.

The day I told her, I felt like I was going to lose it all. And funnily enough, I did. She was the one person I could talk to and feel happy about opening up. Not be embarrassed or shy, be me. The times we spent together, in the car, on the sofa watching series, especially when we watched squid game, that was one of the happiest times of my life. Every memory I have with her is a happy memory.

I’ve had 6 girls after her, none of them made me feel what she did. No one. Even looking at her face, that big smile, those freckles and those big bright eyes. When having a bad day, all I could think of is her and my day would get better.

Why can’t I forget her? Why must I keep feeling pain everyday, smiling through the sadness to not effect people around me? Why did she do that to me after I gave her everything? What didn’t I have for her? This is why I never want to open up to anyone ever again, why I keep everything to myself. Opening up creates vulnerability which leads to pain and suffering.

I can’t even hate her, whenever I try to feel something again, all I think of is her, and what she did to me. Even in my dreams, everyday I dream of what I had, the perfect summer, with her.

Love is nothing but a complication in your life, once you have it its too addicting, but when you lose it, the amount of pain it makes you feel, the amount of void and sorrow, the everlasting cry for more - its just too much.

I believe I was very good to her, from hanging out, to taking her places, to spending time with her, to everything we did. The best ever memory was when we were watching her pantomimes, then we ordered hermanos, and sat on the sofa watching her friend stream playing Jackbox party pack. Laughing, looking at each other, me knowing how much I love her that I could die for her. That same night, I had the best night probably in my 20s, the time were I felt like a God. Laying on the bed next to her, hand in hand, talking about everything any anything. Then we kissed turning into sex till 3am. Knowing the next day I have work but I dont care because I was making happy memories with the person I truly love.

This went on till October when I visited her in Ireland, we slept together one last time. Then from there onwards, nothing but pain, not being able to hold her, to tickle her arms, to feel her touch, to look directly at her eyes and know how much I love her. 

November 11th 2021 - Big fight. Nothing but hate towards each other. I knew what was going to happen. I tried to cheer her up but apparently cheering up someone you love is wrong so we stopped talking. November 22nd - She gave me an ultimatum, either talk once a week or nothing. I couldn't live with that, so we stopped talking. 

Anyway, thats where I am at at this very moment.

-SH

[sentiment-is-a-chemical-defect]

Yeahh.....

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To a better future

Honestly, I thought it wouldn’t be possible to get over someone that used me, over someone that knew what hurt me the most and yet they still did it. But after 16 weeks, I have finally found myself again. After making someone feel like a queen, she decided to make me feel like I was just something that is there, to be useful. But that’s another experience, don’t let anyone use you, not even if you love them to the edge of the universe and back.

Met a great gal that makes me the happiest I've ever been. A chef that has the sweetest smile, a smile that whenever I look at it, it makes my heart and mind go insane. I can’t believe I've got so lucky from nothingness to everything, to me waking up to the thought that I am someone’s again. She saw the broken side of me and healed it, she listened to me talk and express how hurt I was and the way she made me feel about myself was amazing.

Every storm has its end, and the rainbow finally is showing for me too. There cannot be a rainbow without a little rain. I can’t explain how hard I've hurt over thinking someone had feelings for me but was too scared to express, but at the end, she showed how manipulative she was and how she just uses the people around her.  I am glad i’m finally out of her life and that I made peace with my past. 

Never put yourself in a hole that you can’t get out of,  remember, you are surrounded by friends that love you and that want whats best for you. Never put anyone above you, don’t treat anyone as a god/godess and never do shit for anyone that doesnt appreciate it. At the end of the day, its only you against everyone else.

Anyhow, Love is an amazing thing :) never break and always win. 

Until next time 

-SH

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Current:

Gonna be honest, never felt like this after someone betrays me, even after 2 months I still constantly think of her, how much I felt for her, just for her to backstab me.

Why does this happen to me? Why do I even try? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2RDySi7BuE

Fuck love,

-SH

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To new beginnings.

Today, I have made peace with what happened. Finding out her constant lies towards me. Being used and manipulated towards her will. I cannot believe I loved someone like that, am I just destined to find people that will hurt me? This girl meant everything to me, yet all she did was cause me pain. All I was to her was nothing but someone to “carry her luggage”. 

Why must I always find someone that doesn’t appreciate what I do for them? It was through her eyes that I found any meaning in whatever we had. She never called it love, yet when we slept together, I found her holding my hand in the middle of the night, pure bliss. She looked so innocent, and it looked real. I thought she was genuine, that she would never hurt me. How can someone hurt someone else after they do EVERYTHING for them? She thought I was being controlling yet all I did was be there for her and care for her. What is even wrong with that? Maybe she loved someone else and she didn’t want to hurt me?

It’s human nature to not realize the true value of something, unless you lose it. She didn’t even want me to fly with her but when I did she said she was glad? Why lie? Why let me spend all that money for nothing? Her mother wanted me to surprise her, but she didn’t want me there. Why even talk about shit that we will do together when she didn’t even want me there? What the fuck is with the mixed signals? Why break my heart after you know how many trust issues I have because of my past. She knew what hurt me the most and used it to her advantage. I sacrificed time for her, made time for her, and even did shit no one else would. No shit i’m gonna get attached after knowing how much I love her. 

At any rate, I rest my case. I know exactly what type of person she is. Shame I spent money and time on her to just be a “luggage boy”. Heh, I would have never in a million years used her to my advantage like that. 

All I could think about while I was in drastic pain because of her (which I lost myself in the process) was - where should I go? to the left, where nothing is right? or to the right, where no one is left? She left me, like a dog. I loved her more than anything, yet all I had inside my heart was pain.

But I let it go, I cannot stop thinking of her, but eventually this will all stop. I have found someone that respects me and cares for me. Someone who will not use my past against me. Time won’t heal my pain, but it will teach me to live with it. She could have fixed everything if she stopped for one second and saw what I was trying to achieve for her. My goal was nothing short of wanting her to be happy. Yet when I tried to cheer her up, she saw that as a bad thing. She saw that as me being annoying. Interesting hypothesis, being there for someone when they are in distress is nothing short of being annoying.

But like I always say, rejection is part of a man’s life. All that kills me on the inside is how I thought she was the most perfect girl ever, but turns out she was out to hurt my feelings as well. I was right not to feel in the past, but this has thought me to be alert even for those girls that act like they care. I shared her pain just to understand her. But has she ever shared mine? Was anything she said towards me real? Were the kisses even real? Kills me not knowing why she did what she did.

At least now I can make peace knowing what she said behind my back and what she really thought of me. We both couldn’t show each other our true feelings. Fear, suspicion and resentment would never subside. It was foolish of me to feel pain towards what she did, until my thoughts and beliefs were the same as my doubts.

Having experienced pain is the main reason why we try our hardest to be kind to everyone. I tried being kind and tried being there for her. I wonder what she told her family about me. The lies she made up to make me look bad. After all, nothing is gonna even surprise me if she made me look like the guy that hurt her.

It’s not the look on her face that made her the monster, but rather, it was the choices she wished to make. The cycle of pain will never end for me..But maybe... I have finally found someone that will make me happy..That won’t use me and actually try to make me happy..Maybe she won’t leave..

Her. 

She never really did wolf me after all.

-SH

[sentiment-is-a-chemical-defect]

Day 2 -

Heartbreak isnt even close to what I feel. My mind keeps saying and believing that shes better off without me. But im broken without her, no goodmorning text, no smile on her face. Nothing.

I dont know how I can tell her that what i said wasnt true. I dont hate someone I love so much. Someone I would literally give my life for. But my destiny is somewhat fucked.

The memories keep flowing in my brain, tears coming out, the physical pain in my chest that I cannot control. Why must I love someome that doesnt love me back? That doeent even try.

The car rides, looking to my left seeing her beautiful face, that smile. Going for a coffee, explore what she likes. Goddamn all this just breaks me.

I tried to be the best I can but I failed. My mind thinks I hurt her when I love her so much.

I really thought we would spend a life together. But its time to once again put down my pen.

-SH

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Love dies, hate blooms.

Interestingly enough, the person I loved most turned out to also back stab me, calling me a liar, her not knowing the truth. After she left from where I live, no one spoke of her, yet her best friend fed her lies, telling her that we do, and when my friend talked to her, she told him that she’d rather say that than telling her the truth and hurt her. Now she outed me as a liar when I did nothing. Hurts more than you can imagine. But happens, love is meant to hurt you, its meant to break you.

I try to fix things when there’s nothing to fix. I did so many things for her just to be called a liar and thrown out like trash. Her, being mad at me, hurts. My EX - Zoe, opened a hole in my heart that was filled with pure unfiltered hatred towards love, now this girl opened it more than anyone can ever imagine. The hole in my heart that will never be fixed. I risked and loved, now i must bear the risk of hating. I shared her pain to understand her, yet my pain is my own. I lost faith after trying to hard to earn her love. 

She gave me a meaning, gave me something to live by, gave me something to look forward to everyday, her. First thing, I check my phone to see if she woke up, then I call her while I drive to school/work with that smile on her face that lights up my whole world.d Getting to school, stay in the car for a couple minutes just to talk to her, be a little late, but who cares, I spent time with her. During lessons, we talk and talk, hell, sext even, making me feel wanted, knowing that on the other side of the screen there is someone that cares. I finish school, ask her to call, she says sure (to now she said that I forced it), see that big ass smile on her face, making my stress go away, looking into her beautiful hazel eyes, thinking, “Wow, how can someone be so beautiful”. I get home, we talk and talk, never stop, we shower, and watch something, talk a little before bed, say our goodnight and another amazing day starts. This what my perfect life was. My perfect vision of someone.

Wherever someone thinks of you, that’s where home is. And if love is just a word, then why does it physically hurt me when I realize it just isn't there?

This week:

She had a lot of stress, work and personal issues. Many issues. And I tried to comfort her by being myself, sure it was a little annoying, but I was just being playful. She was decorating her Christmas tree, looking at her so beautiful, then all of a sudden, she says I’m the reason she’s getting pissed off. I was like okay wow, that hurt, but she doesn’t mean it. Long silence. She goes to eat and we hang up. Her dog gets sick. We don’t talk. All that week she acts like she doesn’t care. Time after time I say something - Ignored. What in the hell is going on? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something I shouldn’t have? Is she bored of me?

It hits me, I tell her that something is wrong and I want to open up. I tell her that night we should talk. She forces me to tell her that instant. I do, but I didn’t know how to word it as we were chatting and not talking. I said some hurtful shit. Told her she is mistreating me and acting angry towards me.

An argument breaks, as usual. We get mad at each other and she hangs up. We don’t talk for HOURS. We don’t even say goodnight to each other. I stay awake, all night thinking on what the fuck just happened. Did I just lose her?

I did. I call her in the morning, she doesn’t speak, me being broken inside, tell her if she wants to still talk, she doesn’t answer. Sometimes, not answering is an answer in itself. She thinks I lied to her, yet I was protecting her from the truth. But I will take the fall for this, I always do. I will keep smiling and say nothing because its better that way. 

The most painful thing out of all this, isn't a cut or a broken nose. No, the most painful thing is seeing all the memories I've made with the people with...become the memory. I questioned my own belief in us, that’s why I failed.

I should have never apologized for trying hard, it was just an insult to my determination. And if she can’t see that, she can’t see me. 

With all this being said, I feel like I failed once again. I am broken, yet I cared for her so much. No one is out there for me, only pain suffering and futility. Why try to make someone happy when all they will see is you breaking them? Time won’t heal my pain, but it will teach me to live with it.

Don’t prioritize someone that won’t prioritize you.

Until next time,

-SH

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His everything lost her tomorrow in his arms, he remained there,unable to move, The blessing of true love clouded by his regrets and sorrow was a curse now, the curse slowly spread throughout his body from his heart, Flesh and bones turned to stone. 

Lovers frozen in time in an eternal embrace,the love he couldn't let go.

I wish I could go in your mind 

Show you that you are mine 

Make you feel divine

 Let on your body the sun shine 

 I know that's what you yearned 

And feel like your life wasn't earned

 I'll give you what I couldn't start 

But first let me ease your pain 

Till death do us apart

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As the hours pass 

I will let you know 

That I need to ask 

Before I'm alone 

How it feels to rest 

On your patient lips 

To eternal bliss 

I'm so glad to know

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I see you 

You see me 

How pleasant 

This feeling 

The moment 

You hold me

 I missed you 

I'm sorry 

I've given 

What I have 

I showed you 

I'm growing 

The ashes 

Fall slowly 

As your voice 

Consoles me

[sentiment-is-a-chemical-defect]

Heartbreak

Dear me,

You ended up loving someone that didn’t love you back. You gave all your love and you opened your heart up again just because you felt something. You believed in something that was never there, you thought that your future was with her, that you would be happily ever after with her. Everything you felt shattered in a mere second. A hand stabbed your heart and squished it. But what do you do? You still think of her and still get that happy feeling.

Knowing that someone better is out there for her is nothing short of feeling dead while alive. What could have I done better? I fall in love with her in my dreams, but she falls in love with me too. Why must I suffer like this? I tried my best and I even went the extra mile just because I truly care.

I am lost, my heart is broken into a million pieces, but its my own fault. This one sided love feels like hell. Maybe I am in hell. I wish I was better to her, I wish I never stopped talking to her after she left school, I wish I was there, because right now I sound like a hypocrite, saying how much I love her but when she left, I stopped talking to her. 

Why is love such a powerful feeling that brings me down so much? Why can’t it be easy, why can’t it be just something that happens naturally, Am I unlovable? 

The brain vs The heart. The Longest battle. The war with the most losses. Tears become meteors. Emotions become useless, Then we crave numbness. But In the end each and every single one of us has to feel everything

The Anguish of a Heartache. 

[sentiment-is-a-chemical-defect]

A New Chapter

Back to living in the original place that I used to, 1647 miles apart, from someone I care so much about, someone that I love. Yesterday we slept together, woke up many times during the night saying, damn shes so beautiful even when she sleeps, knowing shes there next to me gave me strength, a purpose. Waking up next to her with her in my arms gave me a feeling that even I can’t explain. 

The beautiful girl across the ocean that stole my heart, the girl that I cannot stop thinking about. When I was on the plane on my way home, I kept looking on the same seat she sat when we went to Ireland, thinking that she’d be there and I see her smile again. Her smile, her beautiful perfect smile makes my world light up.

Everywhere I look, I cant stop thinking of her. While driving, thinking shes by my side, while walking wanting her to be here. What would I give just to hold her again for a couple of minutes? 

When people get hurt, they learn to hate… When people hurt others, they become hated and racked with guilt. But knowing that pain allows people to be kind. Pain allows people to grow… and how you grow is up to you.

I cannot wait until I see her again, Im gonna give her the biggest hug a human can possibly give to another. Even her dog, I love him so much and I do truly miss him. 

Seeing her smile, Seeing her happy made me so happy and no matter what happens, just know this, I will always love her.

But until I see her again, I will always be there for her, and she for me, I mean hell, we both cried for each other, felt pain that we are not going to see each other for a while.

When im with her, time passes so quickly. I do make some stupid scientific jokes that I know make no sense, but I love teasing her. But right now, I just feel like complaining to Einstein,  whether time passes slowly or quickly, that is only your own perception. The theory of relativity is so romantic, yet so sad.

The Mad Scientist who fell in love with the perfect woman.

-SH

[sentiment-is-a-chemical-defect]

The End -

Well, to my surprise, from having all the feelings towards each other, now i dont even know where we stand. I dont even know what im feeling anymore. Trying to comfort her and make her feel better, but all she did was either ignore me, stare into nothing and change the subject on what im talking about.

The nice happy feeling i used to feel now gives me a headache. I knew this was gonna happen after she left but I really believed in us. I could see nothing seperating us but i can allow myself to feel like this forever. I tried to be as good as I can. I forgot how it feels to be heartbroken, but that bittersweet feeling has returned. I hoped that my ex had got rid of those feelings.

Anyway, I knew what I signed up for, and I should have seen it coming. Honestly, nothing in this world makes sense, just opening holes in my heart yet I tend to like it. Maybe im attracted to it?

I cannot fathom a future were I actually am happy. Happiness is a myth, we feel happy when we know something cant break. As I did, during the best week of my life, I thought we had something. But maybe, it was all a dream.

Now I understand, a tale is only good on its final turn of events, a plot twist.

Looking back, I caused this to myself, maybe I care a little too much. Sometimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain because life's greatest lessons are learned through pain.

She probably doesnt even know shes hurting me. As long as hate exists in this accursed world there will be no peace. Happiness is paid by the hurt of others.

Think about the person you love most, now imagine them making you the happiest person ever, to a point you start questoning life why you deserve that happiness, to a point that you feel like youre in a dream and knowing if you wake up, you ll still be happy.

There is no such thing as real love, only a concept of feeling happy, like an extasy.

I always knew that I was meant to feel pain. Pain makes me stronger, it makes me feel like nothing can stop me from anything. Expelling my feelings again will show me what

Typically, no one understands your sorrow and your pain, but everyone seems to see your mistakes.

Those who forgive themselves, really understand their true nature. After all we are humans, we never know what people are thinking, I thought she had feelings, thought she really loved me, for once again i felt something unbreakable. Maybe I am wrong, it kills me not knowing.

It was a blessing yet a curse to feel like I did. Whenever I feel something I always tend to get the short end of the stick and get hurt. Why?

Why must I be the only one that tries?

Why?

This tale ends here. Unfortunate. The tale of the wandering frog who fell in love but was never loved back.

I cannot stop loving her.

-SH

[sentiment-is-a-chemical-defect]

The Journey -

Well, the final curtain has now been closed. My worst nightmare became reality, her leaving forever. I came with her to make sure she has a safe trip (damn those old weird folk). We barely spoke, anywhere from start to finish. I understood she was in pain, as was I. Knowing that in 2 days i wont see her weekly truly shatters all the love I feel. Like, why whenever I fall in love there always has to be a bump in my road?

Flight was fine, person next to me smelled like swamp ass, and he ate a fuckton of m&ms. His gf slept most of the time but she was nice as she put my backpack in cabin.

At the airport it was a total heartbreak seeing her leave the people she loves most, tears going down their faces. I know now how they feel.

Her mum is awesome, her step dad is okay too! The house is amazing, very nicely furnished! Met her doggie lilo and hes a very nice good boy. Tomorrow im meeting her step sister, god help me.

Whatever happens moving on, as much as i hate to say it, I cannot stop loving her. As hard as she tries to make me not fall more, i cannot stop.

I love her and always will.

-SH

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In his arms she lays , 

He was her king, 

And she was his queen, 

She lost her crown in the war,

 But for him she never lost, 

She's still his queen and will forever remain

-SH

[sentiment-is-a-chemical-defect]

A Happy Ending.

Yesterday, I was sad, today, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Okay okay I know, I jumped the gun on a little thing. Yesterday there may have been a little misunderstanding. Man, I wish we could communicate better sometimes. But it happens, today before I left her place, we talked and we promised each other that we will grow old together. And you know what? I asked her since its the last time before she leaves, i asked if she wanted to kiss me. I didnt lean in, I didnt do anything. She went on her tip toes, hugged me, then after a couple of seconds, she kissed me. My heart filled up with love, with happiness, how lucky I am that such an amazing girl kissed me.

Id be lying if I say I dont shed tears, I am strong emotionally, but this hits different. Knowing my love is 15,000+ miles away just hurts. But knowing shes happy, thats priceless.  Love is an essential elemtent, but not everyone gets it. Its okay to have love, maybe who knows, we end up together one day. 

Although I wish she didnt leave, im super happy and exited for her, while also being under more stress than having 8+ clients on the phone at work and my manager screaming at me (trust me this is stressful), I am scared that something would happen to her and I wont be able to help. I just want her to be happy, because her happiness is my happiness. 

My only question is, does she love me? Does she feel for me and shes scared to let me know because she thinks its gonna hurt me? The concept of hope is nothing more than giving up. A word that holds no true meaning.

I love her.

-SH