selfdepricationmedication

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what im learning is that you cannot avoid your way into a life you enjoy

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"violence" by against me! / "hand in fire" (1985) by robert mapplethorpe

click for better quality

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Abusive parents make it so easy to forget what normal is, and have you believe that your absolutely normal child behaviour is actually outrageous. They snap at you for annoying them, with the rage that would be justified if you just stabbed them, and all you actually did was be a child, make noise, ask for attention, ask for care.

It is not outrageous to be a child and to be loud, and noisy, and to ask for care and attention. We're genetically set up to do that, to rely on our caretakers, to ask them for attention and care, and to be loud, to make noise. That's how all children are.

It's also not outrageous to sometimes react emotionally, to get scared, worried, angry, confused, to not know something, to not get things right, to misunderstand, to make a mistake, to do damage while having good intentions. Abusive parents can react to all of these as if you're the worst demon and have committed a mortal sin of annoying them, taking their time and energy to deal with you when they 'have better things to do' and for being inconsiderate selfish brat who doesn't understand they're not a priority.

But you didn't do any of that. You were just a kid. If they didn't want to deal with a kid, they didn't need to have one. You didn't put yourself in front of them on purpose. You weren't outrageous for being normal. Their reaction was outrageous. Their rage, contempt, blame, shaming, telling you that you and your needs don't matter, that's outrageous. You were just a kid. You didn't need to be considerate. You didn't need to be told that your needs don't matter. You didn't need to be shamed or blamed for anything you wanted or needed back then. They were responsible for taking care of that and you came to them and they failed you. They should feel ashamed, not you. Nothing you did was worth hurting you for.

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I don't think you understand

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Dear pain, leave me alone please.

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born to always mourn the present like it’s already become a memory

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kinda wanna cry. kinda wanna just stop breathing.

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“My biggest regrets in life are being too damn nice, apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong, and making unworthy people a priority.”

— Unknown

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feeling like i'm constantly too much and too little at the same time is so exhausting

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Linda Pastan, from Waiting for My Life: Poems; "What We Want"

[Text ID: "and in the morning / our arms ache. / We don't remember the dream, / but the dream remembers us."]

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shoutout to people who don't have a "before" the trauma.

shoutout to people who don't have any sweet or nostalgic childhood memories. to people who don't remember enough of their childhood to know what the before was like. to people who lost their innocence before they ever learned the word for it. to people whose pasts were too painful to keep around in any form. to people who only knew trauma, and don't have an idea of what life would be like without it. to people who can't long for "the better days" because there weren't any.

you deserve a good future. i hope it's there for you soon.

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-William Wordsworth

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i am slowly moving forward to a point of no return i am just so tired of living. being alive is a chore i cannot do

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- Richard Siken, "Snow and Dirty Rain"