secretdge

[secretdge]

I’m going to pretend it’s still 18th and just quickly say that yesterday I had a pretty good night sleep and then I spend all of the day taking care of C. He helped me clean up a lot, a real trooper. He was feeling better (still does I think). And then we took our trip to the hometown, unfortunately C threw up a few times, I don’t know why. I also spend maybe too long talking to my mother, I don’t know how but I’m sure it will probably bite me in the ass.

[secretdge]

Today was a tough one physically for sure, I was less irritable though (I think). I finished my night shift with a pretty good attitude, managed to accomplish everything I wanted to. The rest of the day I just took care of my baby, he hasn’t had a fever but he’s tired and fussy and generally over it. I’m so sad for him my heart is broken. He didn’t eat a lot and I don’t know if that’s because of his teeth coming out or because of the virus. I’m worried sick. I hope I made his day at least a tiny bit better with the food and fun.

I also went to the hairdresser to get my hair sorted out for the wedding. I don’t know how I feel about it. Or I guess I do, I like it, but it looks shitty on me because I’m not skinny. Skinnier. God I wish I could control my food intake better, I promise myself that every day and then I don’t care or feel awful and need a cheer me up or I make excuses. I feel like a failure. Not only with this but about a lot of other things. Which is silly I think - I cope with food but it’s not dangerous at this point, I don’t have power to keep my baby healthy, they’ll be sick because they have to acquire an immune system, my relationship is feeling like a heavy rock making me sink because that’s the course it was always going to take. I think.

I’m tired and I ate supper even though I wasn’t supposed so I guess I’ll just end it here. Tomorrow we’re heading out to the hometown and I’m m both excited and dreading it.

[secretdge]

So basically this is exactly what it says on the tin.

It’s going to be my diary, I’m determined to write here everyday. I’m going to be honest and I won’t lie (for once). I don’t really even want to have any followers on here because of the honestly thing. I don’t want anyone to find me, not from my real life and not from my other blog on here. The thought of those 400+ figuring me out scares the fuck out me. Why can’t I just write it down privately on paper? That’s a good question Void. Well for one I actually really do not have that much free time to pick up a notebook. Also it would feel more real, the things I’m about to admit to. And I have my phone by my side all the time. Too much really.

Besides except some rare moments when I’m going to have more time it’s just gonna be a recap of my day and emotions just so I don’t feel insane.

I’m on a nightshift, almost done with the paperwork. Everyone seems to be asleep. C is sick again, I really hope it isn’t HFMD, but I know I’m probably not that lucky. It’s been going around in their daycare and he’s been there for two days. I wish I could take away his sicknesses, it seems to hurt me in my sternum whenever I think about him suffering.

L is…it’s been bad. Strangers passing by. Worse really because of the history. Sometimes I cruelly wonder if I somehow planned for this to happen. Get the kid and then split with him. I don’t want to but I feel like it’s inevitable. Never mind. Not today. We’ve been trying I thin but the past occurrences and him buying the wrong binkies and diapers for C ruined part of my night and subsequently day. It wasn’t a bad day all on all, I was a little bit more irritated than normal. I’ve also been on my headphones a lot longer than normally I think. I don’t know if I can break this habit, sometimes it feels like too much to give that thing up too.

Ok well. I need to finish up this work and try to sleep for a few hours so I can take care of C all day tomorrow. It’s going to be tough with my hairdresser appointment and my MIL babysitting C. Ugh, I wish I wouldn’t have to interact with as many people.

Xx