sebsasstiansmythex-blog

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

Yet you seem awfully fixated on the visual image. 

The people in this town really need to get more creative. Slushies? What are we, 12? 

Believe me, even in the middle of Nowheresville, Ohio, there are way more appealing asses for me to look at. Among other things. Like I said, you’re not as sought after as you think you are, Liberace. 

I’ll be the one doling out the punishments, but thanks anyway. Oh, and when you come down, I’ll have a special treat for you. 

I’d say blow me but you’d take that literally and I’d rather fornicate with a cactus, meerkat.

No. But they’re the best we have. You’ll just have to turn that nose back down from the up position you’ve got it in if you want to eat. 

What does that mean “take your ass away from the wall”? Is that a gay thing? Dude. I’m not gay. The fact that you would assume every gay is gay and wants you is maybe the most narcassistic thing I’ve ever heard.

And wild hedonism is a one-way ride to hell, so I still win.

#d:dave #d #//right?? super subtle #//lets just call it intuition #//led by a neon sign :P

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

See, usually I don't bother to ask when I come up for a new name for people. But then again, it's usually a name that they don't want, so asking wouldn't do me any favours. Well I suppose in that one super specific scenario you won out. Yeah, you do. Use your words as an offensive weapon, not a self-destructive one. You might benefit from some self defense classes, too. I don't? Damn, I need to up my game. I don't want people to start thinking I'm nice. You'd be surprised exactly what people would go for. You have that whole innocence thing going on that I'm sure many people are just looking to corrupt. Use it to your advantage. Sex can fix a whole lot of problems - or at least distract from them. I highly recommend it. Here's hoping it livens up eventually.

Okay, thanks, I just wanted to be sure you didn’t mind. I mean, not really, but kind of at the same time? Like, it helped one time when I went to my foster sister’s baseball game and she left her bat at home…. Probably not, but it never hurts to offer- actually, it does hurt…. Especially when you’re offering to be a punching bag…. I really need to start thinking before speaking…. Of course I have your back, you don’t seem like such a bad guy, so there’s not really a point not being in your corner, you know? You’re probably right, but I doubt there is anyone here that would go for the human version of Casper the Friendly Ghost. Like seriously, stick me outside in the cold for an hour and I’ll come back inside looking like I literally just got released from the morgue. I doubt that, I don’t think there’s anything that can help me loosen up, like seriously, I’m a very tense guy the majority of the time; I don’t think sex could even fix that. Really? Whoa, now I am concerned for this place.

#d:felix #d #//same!

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

Not on your life. You realise that fornicating with a cactus would mean you'd have to put it up your ass? Maybe it would wedge that stick out from there.

No thanks, I’d rather starve.

Wow. All I was saying was that you can stop trying to protect your ass from being attacked by the gays. But your response was hilariously defensive. I don’t even have time to get into the fact that you used the word gay in one paragraph four times, not to mention one by, I assume, accident. Freudian slip, much?

Don’t worry, I have my seat reserved. It’s called the throne. 

I’d say blow me but you’d take that literally and I’d rather fornicate with a cactus, meerkat.

No. But they’re the best we have. You’ll just have to turn that nose back down from the up position you’ve got it in if you want to eat. 

What does that mean “take your ass away from the wall”? Is that a gay thing? Dude. I’m not gay. The fact that you would assume every gay is gay and wants you is maybe the most narcassistic thing I’ve ever heard.

And wild hedonism is a one-way ride to hell, so I still win.

#d:dave #d #//he's an asshole but he's not such a dick that he'd out him in public lmao #//also he loves cheeseburgers and pizza don't even listen to hi #him*

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

You’d fit right in, then.

Dairy Queen, Pizza Hut... these are what you see as classy joints? 

You wish, big guy. Your rod isn’t quite as sought after in the gay community as you seem to think it is. You can take your ass away from the wall now and go about your business. 

Jealousy is not a good look on you. 

It seemed the most convenient way to get things done. Therapists are for depressed weenies and fruits.

You know, you mock but it wasn’t even five years ago that we got an actual Dairy Queen franchise and a Pizza Hut at Goldfinch Bowling so it’s actually better than it used to be.

You’re kind of obsessed with my rod. It’s not okay. I’m not even going to pretend that I’m flattered.

Well, if you’re not picky, you can really get laid by anyone.

#d:dave #d

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

Continue to list my good qualities and you can call me whatever you want. I wouldn't trust me either, don't worry about it. A little? Does it help? You know, offering yourself out as a punching bag might not be helping your situation, but don't worry, I can take my pent up rage out on people that deserve it. Nice to know you have my back, though. I mean, I'm sure you'd be able to get laid here, too. People go for that whole awkward thing. Maybe getting you laid might help you loosen up a bit. I have spent an abnormal amount of time drinking coffee.  And for me, that’s really saying something. 

Whoa, from what I can tell, you’ve got everything; good looks, good hair and you can defend yourself. Nice, dude- is it okay that I call you dude or should I stick with Sebastian? That’s true, sorry, I should believe in you more… Sorry. I- is it sad if I say yes to carrying a bat around with me? That’s good! I mean, it’s a promising sentence, if I do say so myself. You know what, so far you haven’t been a douche with me about my awkwardness, so, if you want to be an asshole at any time, feel free to use me as the punching bag; you do what makes you happy, even if it might piss people off, I’ll be in your corner. Oh… Oh… Well, that’s good to know, at least now if I’m ever in Paris and I’m desperate for someone to sex me, I’ll make sure to have a condom at all times. Uhm, thank you, I think? You’re probably right, though, there doesn’t really seem like much to do around here unless you’re into either playing sports, going on long walks, going to school or spending your day at a coffee shop. 

#d:felix #d #//aw he does have a heart deep down there don't let him fool you #//he just likes people to think he's a badass hahah

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

Please, I have a bit more class than that. I don't start fistfights, but I can finish them if it comes down to self-defence. Besides, I told you, I’m on my best behaviour. Do you actually carry a bat around with you? I admit, I do have a tendency to antagonise people, but I'm not always the source. It might be easier for you to be polite to people, but asshole mode comes much more natural to me. ‘Unf’ can mean many things, but mostly, it means that they’re hot and down for anything. I’m sure your optimism would have died out without my help, but for what it’s worth, I hope for your sake that I’m wrong? 

I- oh God, you’re going to make me have a minor heart attack…. I won’t need my bat, right? Like, please tell me you’re an ass in the verbal department and not the physical… Oh, well same, sort of? I mean, like I seem to attract the trouble, but you- actually, I don’t want to assume, but I doubt people voluntarily look at you and instantly want to hand your ass to you. Yeah, sometimes being nice can suck, but did you know it’s actually harder to be an asshole than it is to be polite? I don’t mean to seem lamer than I’m already making myself out to be, but what does ‘unf’ mean? Wow, that really puts a damper on the Ohio optimism. 

#d:felix #d #//he's actually trying lmao he feels kinda bad for him

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

You actually made a sign? That's hilarious. Is it one of those arts and crafts projects that your therapists made you take on?

Such aspiration. Maybe there's hope for this town after all.

I'm the kind of fish that's too smart to go anywhere near your rod, but it's cute that you think I might try.

If you say so. Yet it doesn't stop me from getting laid on an almost nightly basis, so I must be doing something right.

I see I’m going to have to make myself another one of those sarcasm signs. 

Well, they just finished the Panera and Chipotle outside of the Meijer and the AJ Township, or whatever the hell they’re calling it now, just got the Red Lobster in so…yeah, we’re moving up in the world. Pretty soon we’ll rank enough for our own Wal-mart.

You’re the kind of fish I’d take pity on and throw back into the ocean.

Fuck you. Emma Stone is beautiful and brilliant and you have the face of a meerkat that just hit a sliding glass door. 

#d:dave #d

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

You should be. I've been told I'm a bit of an ass. Not that I care, but you're lucky enough to get the forewarning. An ex-convict would be less boring, but no. I just have a way of getting myself into trouble, and it just got a bit too much for my mom. So... I said I'd try harder. So far, it sucks. Paris is a beautiful place. Always something to do, and the men are... unf. Let's just say they were more open to exploration. Pollution is one of many problems with this place.

It’s not that you make me nervous, it’s just- new people make me nervous… So, yeah, I- uhm, I guess that technically means I’m on edge by you. But, it’s only because I’ve never met you before, sorry. Why would you have to make a promise to be on your best behaviour? Oh my God, are you like an ex-convict or something?! Uhm, why were your forced? That doesn’t sound very fun, I mean, like, why so far away? I suppose that’s true, I wouldn’t know, but Paris seems like a really beautiful place and this… Well, this place may have a pollution problem.

#d #d:felix

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

Sebastian. What is that, exactly? Kind of. I’ve been here for about two months, but most of it has been spent hoping that this is all a bad dream and I’m going to wake up in my bedroom in Paris. It’s proving unsuccessful so far. 

Well, there’s Cedar Point, but otherwise… nothing super exciting. I’m assuming you must be new here. I’m Tina.

#d:tina #d #//he is a pouty child who isn't getting his way

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

Sounds a bit flaky of her. Pretty ladies? Nah, not my area of interest. Booze, on the other hand, I can get on board with. 

She mentioned and then just left it at that. I don’t know about for you but for me it’s consists of pretty ladies and booze. Lots of booze.

#d:gianna #d

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

I’m the word’s greatest a lot of things, but thanks for the acknowledgement.

Please, if Breadstix is the best this town has to offer, I don’t know how I’m going to cope. 

Try saying that when you’re standing at your window with a set of binoculars or your tripod or whatever you’re planning on using. Who said I was looking for a chance? I don’t do the chasing, my friend. I’m the catch. Sidenote; you realise Emma Stone sounds like a dude, right? 

You are the world’s greatest something, I’m sure.

Blindsided. That would be a fate worse than death. Or the end of bottomless pasta bowls at Breadstix.

Dude, first I wouldn’t creep. I don’t have to. And second, you’re a guy. No thanks. Now, if you were like Emma Stone or something, maybe you’d have a chance.

#d:dave #d #//i actually love emma stone lmao fuck you seb #//he's the worst

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

So I hear. It’s better than nothing, I suppose. Apparently the entire teenage population of this place is just buzzing about it.

There is going to be a big end of summer party later this month sometime.

#d:quinn #d

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

You're still rambling. Am I making you nervous? I know, I know, I'm impressive. I'd hardly describe myself as one of the good guys, but we'll see. I made a promise to be on my best behaviour this year, as much as it might kill me. Believe me, kiddo, it's a dump. I've only been here for two months, but when you're forced to move from Paris to Ohio, there’s really not much of a comparison. 

I know, I’m sorry, I’m just really awkward and I tend to ramble when I’m nervous, so, I guess I was nervous… Sorry. Whoa, that’s a cool name, sounds like a name you would see in a comic book as a villain- not saying your name means you’re bad or anything, I just- I’m going to shut up, your name is cool. Well, for medical reasons, I’ve been living in California since I was a baby, but McKinley was the only high school to accept my application to attend, so, here I am! It’s not such a dump here, I mean, I probably wouldn’t know as well as you do, but I’ve seen alleys worse.

#d:felix #d

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

Still cute. Remote control's all yours, B. Just don't get too power hungry. First you'll want to change the channel, and next thing you'll want to take over the world. I have no doubt that you could. I'll stay on your good side just in case. It's this stupid thing that she rubs all over her steak and it's supposed to suck up all the fat and make it more healthy or some shit - I don't know. It looks a bit like a butt plug. Not something I'd want touching my food, thank you very much. It does nothing, though. For you? Any time, Killer. Name a time and a place and I'll be there. And I’m talking about the view that I get when you stand up and parade that hot ass in front of me, just so we’re both clear.

Well, when I was five. They were pretty funny back then. Remote control. Yeah… Uh. There are some that are still pretty funny now, though. Fat magnet? Is that like the Shake Weight? What does it even do? Then we can go and do something whenever you are free. What view?

#d:blaine #d #//lmao he is shameless #//hi my name is sebastian and i want to bang you #//subtle? what is this word??

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

Just consider me the world’s greatest philanthropist. 

Smart. Wouldn’t want to be blindsided, would we? 

And on that note, my bedroom curtains will officially be kept closed at all times from now on. Thanks for the cautionary tale. 

Oh, I’m sure it is. 

What can I say? I plan for all contingencies. I may be 17 but I’m not an idiot.

No. I’d need something more manageable. Though I could probably heft around the 400mm telephoto Jimmy uses, I doubt I could be as inconspicuous considering I’d need a tripod to get some of the shots he got.

#d #d:dave

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

That was a particularly roundabout way of introducing yourself. Sebastian Smythe. What brings you to this dump?

Well, would you look at that, a somewhat corpse looking polish dude has just washed up in Lima, Ohio! Oh, wait….. That’s me…. Uhm, yo? No, no, that’s not right! Uhm, hello? Yeah, hello! My name is… Well, let’s just say that my name is both hard to pronounce and spell, but since it’s Felix in English, you can call me Felix! So, uhm, hello, I’m Felix!

#d:felix #d

[sebsasstiansmythex-blog]

Believe me, the pleasure is all mine. Well at least that’s something. You gonna get a pair of those ridiculous looking oversized binoculars? 

The football team thanks you for your support in such trying times as these. The beauty of going full Rear Window is that you don’t have to chase them. You do all of your best devious work from afar.

#d #d:dave