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Singing: the next frontier

When I was five years old my parents took me to see a touring production of Les Miserables in downtown Winnipeg. It was my first time seeing a musical. I was immediately entranced. What cool things adults got to do! Then young Cosette came on stage and sang a solo. She was barely older than I was and got the stage all to herself! I turned to my Mom and asked her who that little girl was. “She’s an actor” my mom whispered. 

I pressed on, “Does that mean she’s a star?” 

“Yes, she’s a stage star.”

I decided right then and there: I was going to be a stage star. 

I was already taking ballet. My mother signed me up for acting lessons the next fall. Two years later I started jazz and musical theater. Looking back, it’s funny: I knew what I wanted to do as soon as I could articulate it. Then I hit a bump in the road, grew up, faced reality, and got lost.  (see my first couple posts)

I’ve done a little bit of non-union theatre as an adult and though I never made any real money I always enjoyed it. Plays only. Musicals were out of the question. I gave up on dance years ago and I’ve never had any confidence in my singing voice. But if I’m honest with myself, and the inner child I silenced years ago, I never stopped wanting to be Cosette.  

So, where am I going with all of this?...

I have an audition for a musical in three and a half weeks! On top of the dance audition, I have to sing two songs.  

I figure, hey, I’m training to be a dancer anyway- might as well be a triple threat.

The plot thickens...

#chaseyourdreams #dancer #musicaltheater #triplethreat #dreamsneverdie

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Jazz, Ballet, Hip Hop, repeat... or, Where I’m at today

Four weeks ago today, on April 7, 2018, I took my first jazz class in 18 years. Since then I have taken 17 additional classes, mostly jazz, ballet and hip hop, but I’ve also tried sexy street, a stretch/strength class, and when I’m ready to invest in the shoes I really want to do tap. (Gene Kelly in his glory days is my eternal celebrity crush). 

I’ve also lost 5 pounds and my body feels tighter all around! In the last two weeks I’ve really cleaned up my diet: cutting way down on sugar, carbs and alcohol. I’ve tried similar diets in the past but found them really hard to stick to. It didn’t help that I was working in an environment where I was surrounded by alcohol and french fries all day and night. Now I also recognize how much I was using food as both entertainment and reward. When I was having a long day at work the thought of a bag of chips and a beer at the end of the night would keep me going. Now that I’m spending my days doing something I love that’s also really satisfying me, I don’t need to use food in that way. It is fuel to get through three hours of classes. Or muscle building, inflammation fighting recovery therapy. I’m also in the fortunate position of having the time to cook all my own meals.

I feel the same way about sleep. For most of my adult life. my average bed time has been 2am, which meant I usually woke up around 10am. For years, I loved this. I pitied the fools who had to be up at 7 for work. But in recent years that’s changed. I don’t like sleeping until noon, I wake up feeling like I’ve missed half the day (because I have!) I’ve heard more than once that the sleep you get between 10pm and 2am is the most beneficial, and I was missing all of it! Now, going to bed at 10pm feels positively indulgent. I wake up early with enough time to make fresh green juice and avocado protein pudding before walking to dance class. The dancing still makes me sore most mornings, but in the best way possible. 

Today’s jazz class was an especially satisfying one. I had the gusto to position myself at the front of the room for the first time, right beside the teacher. We had some very new students and more than once she told them to look to me for the more advanced moves while she preformed the simplified version. I’m becoming Teacher’s Pet! It’s grade 6 all over again.

Mind you, this is intro jazz, the easiest class they offer. The great thing about this studio is that classes of all levels are drop in, and as a student, I’ve found the best recipe for improvement is a healthy balance of challenge and confidence building. I find the routines in the weekend hip hop classes to be the most challenging to learn, coupled with the fact that those classes are often filled to capacity with people who are really into hip hop. Understanding the technique in ballet is almost like learning a  new language, but I’m getting more fluid at it, so it’s become a nice middle ground. And jazz, well jazz is just fun. It’s the native  language of my inner child. Perhaps it’s almost time try a more intermediate class...

My goal for next week: take 10 dance classes, and singing. Oh, I forgot to mention, I’m a singer now too...

#jazz #ballet #hiphop #dancer #dancermemoirs #fitness

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My First Jazz class in 18 years

The idea of going back to dance school was super exciting; the reality of it was surprisingly nerve racking. And damn if I didn’t procrastinate! I had to get the shoes, the bodysuit, research the classes... It took a few weeks for me to finally get around to it. (as if it was some chore, humans are not logical) Eventually, I sucked it up and walked into intro level Jazz.

It’s not as if I’ve done zero dancing in 18 years. I quit taking jazz lessons when I was 13, but I still gravitated towards dance-y things. In high school I was in the chorus of three musicals and talked my way onto the cheerleading squad (we weren’t awesome). I dropped in to the odd dance fitness class and even attempted adult ballet in my early twenties... then quit after only 3 classes. In my late twenties I even shot two short dance videos I choreographed myself. I never stopped loving dance, I had just put it in a category of hobbies I was too old to take seriously. Why are adults so weirdly stubborn about this stuff?

EGO.

I was pretty sure I HAD been good at this once, and as long as I didn’t prove otherwise, I could continue to (pretend to) believe it. My ego wanted to pick up right where I left off and be the best in the class, but the belief I formed at 13 threatened that. EGO + INSECURITY = tug of war, aka, LIMBO.

Here’s the thing about dance class: it’s hard not to feel silly. Jazz is inherently cheesy.It’s hard not to feel self conscious when you’re starting out. Thankfully, I wasn’t the oldest one in the class, as I’d feared, (although I did have a good ten years on the instructor). My years of consistent yoga also meant that my flexibility and balance were there, so the warm up went well! The challenge was learning choreography... that part of my brain was a little dusty. I really had to focus, and when I messed up or forgot a step I immediately got frustrated with myself and kind of just wanted to quit. The fact that every class is done in front of a huge mirror takes some getting used to as well.

But I persevered. By then end of the class I was really starting to have fun when-

she split us into two groups.

It was time to “perform” what we’d just learned. My heart started pounding. I’d just gotten used to the movement again, I wasn’t ready to perform! But it was either that or run out of the room like the coward I no longer wanted to be. So I did it. And it was fine! Better than fine, actually, it was rewarding. My inner child was beaming. I left the class on such a high I couldn’t wait for the next one. The journey had begun.

Up next: hip hop.

#dance #jazzdance #nevertoolate #danceclass #adultdancer #followyourdreams  

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So, how did I get HERE?

I’ve been a struggling actor for many years, and like so many before me, that means I’ve been a darn good waitress/ bartender/ barista for just as many years. And for the longest time, I loved it! In my early twenties I served full time, went to film school part time and racked up a lot of credits acting in student films.

Then I got fed up and took my first break. Serving is tiring! By 24, I was exhausted. I put my life on pause and went to India for two and a half months. I came back a certified yoga instructor with a new zest for life.

I started teaching yoga, but soon realized that unless you can get yourself 25 classes a week, it’s not especially lucrative. So I started serving again, part time. Then full time. Then I got tired (again) and decided another change of scenery would do me good. This time I stayed in Canada and headed west to Vancouver. In the process of moving, something amazing happened. I booked a lead role in a movie without even trying. It was a quirky horror movie that was so fun to do I arrived in Vancouver full of promise and ego.

But then... I started serving again. Part time, then full time, then managing then- you guess it- I got really freaking tired! I was walking to work one day, dreading the 10.5 hour shift before me when I woke up.

I’m 31. And this isn’t fun anymore. I’m not loving my life, and I should be! It’s my life after all! I’m so done with this.

The next day I gave my notice.

Don’t get me wrong- I had a good thing going from the outside. I worked at a very busy gastropub minutes from my apartment. I had a great relationship with all the staff and was making great money. I was comfortable. And that was the problem. I realized then that if I really wanted to achieve the big goals I set for myself years ago, I didn’t need comfort, I need fire under my ass!

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in my 31 years is to trust your inner guidance system. Our intuition is powerful, it always knows what’s best for us! The more you follow its advice the more powerful you become. I knew I needed to get out of the industry because it was taking all of my energy and I need that for me! So on March 28th, 2018, I bid a tearful goodbye to my coworkers and started my life (again).

#startingover #midlifecrises #trustyourintuition #serverslife #bartenderslife

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Why I Quit Dancing in the First Place

January 2000, Boston Pizza

It was my friend Julia’s 14th birthday party. I was still the new kid at school and a bit shy. While the other girls were taking turns excitedly squealing the latest grade 8 gossip, Julia’s mom made an effort to get to know me.   

“So sweetie, what do you do when you’re not at school?" 

"I dance!” I answered proudly.

At 13, I was into my fifth year of dance lessons at a reputable Winnipeg studio. I absolutely loved it. It was my thing- I loved that I had a “thing!” The other girls at my new school were mostly into sports, choir, or gymnastics. I was the only dancer. I explained to Mrs. Smith that although I was a natural at musical theater; and ballet was necessary at my level of training, jazz was my true love. The annual dance competition was the highlight of my year, and it was coming up!

Then four months later, I committed the ultimate sin: I missed the competition and let my team down. Why oh why did the band trip have to coincide with the dance festival??? And why oh why did my Mom force me to go to Toronto to play the flute in a huge band that didn’t need me when my jazz team FINALLY had a dance routine worthy of the gold honours that had always eluded us? (Because she had already paid for it in full, which, in retrospect... fair enough!)

I was so afraid to tell my teacher about the scheduling conflict that my Mom had to do it. Turns out, I had good reason to be afraid- she FREAKED out. (Again, retrospect... I was just a kid- not cool!)

Then. Five months later, I quit dancing. FOREVER.

Sounds dramatic, right?

Well, there was a little more to it than that. Over the summer my dance studio changed its policy. Instead of simply signing up for a class, we were now required to attend auditions in late August to determine who would be competing. Excuse me, did you say AUDITION??? 

Don't get me wrong: I've got rhythm. But technique? I had been lagging behind in the last couple years, and I knew it. But I didn't want a room full of my peers to know it! The knot in my stomach was palpable. I was going to embarrass myself.

So I took the easy way out and I stopped doing the thing I loved most. I also formed a new belief: I'm not good enough to be a dancer. 

Now, 18 years later, I'm challenging that belief.

I'M GONNA BE A DANCER!.. at 31.

#followingmydreams #dancing #professionaldancer #selfimprovement #biggoals #motivation #teenagedrama