sanctuary-for-the-mad

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

bpd culture is I know I'm irrational I know I'm splitting and seeing the worst in people who were me friends just one day ago I know everything I think is irrational I know. but what if I'm right this time.

.

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

Community

Working on a place for those who want to build a community. Come join and help it grow!

#reblog for reach

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

BPD culture is having a mental breakdown so bad I said blatantly racist shit and insulted my therapist friend to her face. I HATE THIS DIORFDR INYATE THIS DISORDER I YATE RHIS SISORDER AHAHISHSJS

-⭐️🌎

.

#why is that something I'd do though?

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

suspected bpd culture is feeling weird mentioning bpd in reference to myself even while clarifying it’s just heavily suspected - and i know it’s going to be hard to get a proper diagnosis, especially given so much evidence of the symptoms has been displayed online and nobody actually knows i’m online, and i sure as hell am not going to tell them. at least i know that in a few years, when i’m alone, i’ll probably able to. if i can afford it, that is

-🤍🖤

.

#this but all my disorders #yes bpd included

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

BPD culture is making the people closest to you feel like they have to walk on eggshells to protect your feelings bc you can't handle your own emotions.They don't realize how they respond to things affects what emotion you have and you just don't want to hurt them, but you also can't help your own hurting. We just want to end this cycle.

.

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

Why is it that I'm in utter pain? I'm in utter pain and all I hear from the people closest to me is that I am hurting them. I'm hurting too, I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to hurt anyone else either. I want to get better, be better, do better. I want to be okay, really okay. Not the silly kind of numb I feel when I have nothing to love or attach to.

People like me, we don't deserve this. We didn't deserve the trauma we have and we didn't deserve how it hurt us on a mental level.

So i'm seeking help, what about you?

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

hi i'm sorry for making a comment that could be offensive to you in 250 different ways, do you still like me?

#me all the time

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

What BPD feels like for me

BPD can be a different experience for everyone but I figured I would share a bit of what it’s like for me.

It feels like a constant battle

A battle between my two selves. The rational side and the irrational side. The “good” brain and the “bad” brain as I call them. Being someone who is very self aware, it can complicate things a bit. I know when I’m doing something or feeling something that is irrational, however I can’t stop it. It’s like a part of me takes over and I can’t control it.

It feels as though I’m under constant attack

For me, it always feels as though someone or something is out to get me. My brain is constantly whispering things like “they hate you”, “they only did that to upset you”, “they’re going to betray you”. It always feels like something bad will happen. This leads to much anxiety, anger, and emotional pain.

It feels like I have no identity

I have no clue who I am. This is something I am working on in therapy but it is very difficult. My interests are always shifting and it is hard to recognize myself in photos and my memories. It feels like I am a shell of who I was. Everyday, I feel I have a new calling and purpose and then the next day it’s gone.

It feels like I’m banging on a sound proof window

I keep banging, hoping someone will notice, but everyone just passes by. There are people around but no one seems to see how much I’m struggling. Without physical signs, no one seems to care either. I feel trapped in my mind and I just want out.

It feels like the end of the world

A minor inconvenience to you feels like the end of the world to me. Sadness feels like I’m dying, anger feels like rage, distance feels like abandonment, and pain is always turned into suffering.

I’m curious if anyone has similar experiences or different experiences! I’d love to hear it all :)

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

What even is love?

I don't know how it feels.

I only know the feeling of obsession.

I LOVE you for some days, but then there is NOTHING. I feel nothing.

I don't know if i love you, i don't want to hurt you.

At some point you make me feel safe, on the other you scare me.

Fuck, i don't know what to do.

#this but any love

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you i warned you

i’m not a good person. and now you see it

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

...imagine finding someone just as crazy as you

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

I'm so tired of not being able to tell what is real and what my triggered brain is telling me.

Logically I know they're a wonderful person. I love them soooo fucking much. I feel grateful for them every day. They bring out the best version of me and push me to grow while supporting me through my mental illness and accepting me for who I really am. They are able to separate my mental illness from my personality. I'm so lucky to have them I really am.

But when I split, holy fuck. I start thinking that they don't care about me and they're just waiting to leave. My brain tells me that they're putting me through the same bullshit my abusers put me through. I compare this situation to those and my brain tells me to leave but I don't actually wanna leave but I don't wanna go through what I went through again. It was awful.

Then I go into a rage episode that continually feeds itself until we take some space to breathe and collect ourselves.

I'm so fucking tired. They don't deserve how I treat them when I split. I don't deserve to keep reliving my trauma over and over.

I HATE bpd.

#me with my obsessive hatred #I will never be grateful enough for their patience

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

Saddest little baby, is you.

Sometimes I try to,

but I dont know how to get through.

I'm not the man you think I am,

But that's all you know.

I try to be there

But you dont live here.

Your still in that apartment

fighting with a ghost.

I try and show you Just who I am.

But youve already got your guns out

You think you already know who I am

So you dont hear me speak.

Sometimes When we fight,

It feels like its for our lives,

But it should never be that way

And its what I try to say.

I think youve seen a lot of wars

I think youve done, a lot of tours.

You have some scars, not seen by the eye

So you attack and dedend, like I'm that guy.

I dont have a knife, I dont want a war.

I just want you to let me in, through that door.

Im not mad, in fact I'm sad

To see you fight, its just not right

I see your scars and see the pain

Saddest little baby in the room

I get a grey hair for every scare you share

I cant be the only one who seeees you..

I see you, snd I love what I see

I see your saddness, I see your pain.

I try to take some of the burden and strain

Because I see how much it hurts and affects you.

Seeing it literally makes me sad

Sad and makes me want to be nice to you

It makes me want to help you

Take care of and spoil you.

But youve gotta quit assuming I'm like him

I'm not like these other men

All they do, is some tragic sin

To hurt these beautiful souls

Your doing your best and so am I

These moments, they are the tests

Can you change, get rid of the pain?

Will you let go of, that war you were in?

Will you treat me and everyone differely?

I cant be the only one who sees you.

Thst always hits me,

It would be a lot more sad if that were true.

Sometimes I just want to talk to little you.

I see your fb posts, snd they're not positive lol

It makes me want, to text you.

But theres a lot, your going through.

I try to text, but you assume I want to attack you.

What I really want is to talk to you.

I miss you and I want to check on you

You didnt open any fb messages, did the pics and songs not get through?

I heard this one, it was so cute so I thought of you

You didn't even open it to hear it.

And I just found this one, kind of different genera

I know this one, will actually be new to you.

Saddest little baby in the room

How do I get through to you

I get a gret hair for every scare we share

I cant be the only one who seeees you...

-OHO

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

I want to be a quiet BPD but it gets so loud. My BPD literally screams for attention and validation. I just want my brain to be quiet. I don't want to hurt my loved ones. I hate my lack of self control.

[sanctuary-for-the-mad]

The rebel and the child within him - BPD spilled ink

The child's suffering had been ignored by the parents. The child's mental distress went unnoticed, so the rebel turned to extreme measures like self harm just to be noticed.

The rebel craves attention and will do whatever it takes to obtain it, even if it means putting himself in a degrading position, because the child was neglected.

The rebel now leaves people before they can leave since so many others abandoned the child.

The rebel clings to everyone who seems even slightly positive since the child was raised in an environment where toxic and negative relationships prevailed.

The rebel now confuses simple kindness for affection because no one ever showed any affection or basic empathy towards the child.

The rebel is constantly saying sorry because he was frequently abused for making mistakes as a child.

The rebel decided to turn traumatic experiences into humor because it was too much for him to process as a child.

The rebel indulged in toxic relationships as a way to escape the loneliness and lack of friends that was experienced as a child.

The rebel can no longer tolerate even an tiny amount of stress because the young child experienced a great deal of it.

Since the child's accomplishments were never recognised, the rebel feels no motivation to take action unless validation is recieved.

Since all of the choices in childhood life were made by others, the rebel, in order to have some semblance of control, turned into a control freak.

Because the child was screamed at so frequently, the child became used to filtering out the yelling and is now unable to focus when someone raises their voice.

All the rebel wants to do is protect the child. The coping mechanisms are ruining relationships, even the rebel's entire life; but the child within CAN NOT further experience pain.

#where's the crying button? #I need it