saltybreadfairy

[saltybreadfairy]

The Ultimate Bard Test

My DM has a habit of throwing enemies we shouldn’t be able to beat at us. Usually it’s so we can try to get out of a situation but it’ll be hard. Our party consists of myself (a half elf bard), a half elf monk who is my character’s little brother, a human fighter, a tiefling cleric, and an elf wizard. I and the cleric have been making jokes about how little I’ve rolled to seduce when this happens. We’re on a ship fleeing our current primary antagonist.

DM: You guys notice weirdly powerful magic storms a few miles away from your boat, but they don’t seem like they’ll hit your path. 

Party: *sighs in relief*

DM: You all see a strange shadow, and now there’s a blue dragon on the back of your ship. What do you do?

Wizard: I try to bribe him with all my gold, some jewels, and a sword.

DM: He doesn’t say anything but doesn’t seem impressed.

Me (ooc): Screw it, I’m meming. I roll to seduce the dragon.

Me and Cleric: …NAT20!!!

DM: *rolls a dice behind the screen* …Gimme a second, and don’t you dare look behind the screen. *walks away and comes back a minute later* The dragon flies off with you to his keep. Bard, roll 5 CON saves for me.

Me: Guess he likes it rough. *rolls*

DM: …He brings you back to the ship three days later. You’re at one hp and all your spell slots are expended. Roll a d20 for me.

Me: *while rolling* I swear if this is a pregnancy check…

DM: I’m not telling you what it’s for.

Wizard: Could I find out if she’s pregnant with Detect Magic?

DM: …Roll.

Wizard: 18!

DM: She’s pregnant.

Me, Cleric, and Wizard: DRAGON BABY!!!

DM: and I’m calling session here. I need a stiff drink after that one.

DM later confirmed that the die he rolled after the nat20 was to confirm the crit. He also rolled a nat20. My bard later gave birth to dragonborn triplets, two girls and a boy

[saltybreadfairy]

a hard pill to swallow: if an audience can pick up on where the story is going, it’s a good story.

[saltybreadfairy]

“Guys look! I found the cliffhanger!!”

-our aarokocra monk at the end of our session, when we found a portal and some demons

[saltybreadfairy]

Our human bard, Brenda from Accounting, after not doing much in a fight: “I’m just here to look sexy and do accounting”

Our orc druid: “well you’re failing at both”

[saltybreadfairy]

There’s only five types of tumblr DnD content:

TAZ/Critical Role/insert actual play fandom here

Pretty dice (must eat)

Actual DnD campaign advice

Tired™️ DM memes

Monster fucking.

[saltybreadfairy]

Concept: a mermaid who collects human artifacts, but, like, exclusively objects that humans have dramatically cast into the sea in moments of high emotion, catharsis, or personal revelation. Each item is carefully mounted above a little index card that outlines the circumstances of its hurling in terse, clinical prose.

[saltybreadfairy]

my commissions are opened yet again!

chibi style: $45 (+$20 per extra character)

realistic style: $60 (+$30 per extra character)

✅ ocs and fanart ✅ nsfw (with exceptions) ✅ furries and animals

❌ mechas/complex machinery ❌inc*st or adult/child ships ❌ any hateful or bigoted content

commissions are paid 100% upfront, i reserve the right to refuse any commission

email me at [email protected] !!!

[saltybreadfairy]

[saltybreadfairy]

Noblewoman of the Khalka Mongols, circa 1908

What a great hairstyle!

Side note: the Khalka have been the largest subgroup of Mongol peoples since the 1400s!

[saltybreadfairy]

So I have been working on this small 5e expansion for a few days. It contains 9 new constructs, a new race, a Cleric Domain and 6 magic items/artifacts. I really hope you like it and I tried really hard to make it relatively detailed.

Remember, if you want to use any of this in your game, remember to ask your DM first and give credit to the creator. Anyway I might not be able to post anything tomorrow as I have a game to host and need to think of some ideas for more Homebrew. There was originally a front cover for this small book but Tumblr wouldn’t let me post it because no more than 10 images. I’ll post the download link for this tomorrow :) That’s all from me today, peace. Actually, here is the link. The website allows you to download the PDF version of it. Where it says Destination, click Save as PDF. Then in “More Settings” change the paper size to “Letter” to remove the white strip of paper at the bottom :) https://homebrewery.naturalcrit.com/share/BkrdZu_aV

[saltybreadfairy]

Steel and Feathers

DM (innkeeper): *in Scottish accent* I’ll bump the price down if you can solve my riddle.

Halfling rouge: Sure ok.

DM: Which is heavier- *players start laughing*- a kilogram of feathers or a kilogram of steel?

Rouge:*laughing* a kilogram of steel?

DM: Yes, that’s right a kilogram of steel, because steel is heavier than feathers"

[saltybreadfairy]

[saltybreadfairy]

i work at a children’s hospital. as per hospital regulations, all employees have to go through regular fire safety trainings. most of it is pretty standard. and then there’s the Baby Vest.

it looks like this:

it fits six babies. and in the event of a fire we’re literally supposed to just put it on, fill it with babies, and then evacuate the building.

[saltybreadfairy]

[saltybreadfairy]

When a couple is in the same barrack

[saltybreadfairy]

You will not believe your hats

if ten million manhunting cats

[saltybreadfairy]

*loses one pawn in rimworld*

Thats it, thats fucking it, its over, i cant believe she died, shes dead, gone, i cant revive her, the colony is ruined, one person less.. i cant get over it, she really is gone.. .… .