sadhonesty-blog

[sadhonesty-blog]

“We might have lost touch but I promise I still think about you”

-everyday

[sadhonesty-blog]

4.28am

i can’t fucking take this anymore.

i’m sorry, but goodbye.

- m

[sadhonesty-blog]

[sadhonesty-blog]

4.27am

i am so fucking done with you.

there are so many things i’ve written on here that i just want to delete, to get rid of so i can forget about them. forget about you.

but i’ll keep them, just to look back on and remember what i was feeling in the moment.

the happiness and the sadness you brought me. all of it will now only exist here.

-

[sadhonesty-blog]

5.12am

uhhhhh?

you had to say one specific fucking thing and my heaRt went 💓💝boom💓💖💘💞❤️💗💕💗💓💖💘❤️💘💞💖💓💗💗💓💘❤️

ha ha ha haaahhhHahahh

i haven’t slept two nights in a row

we wildin girls and gays 🤪🤧

and yes i have lost my last brain cell but it’s finnneeee cause a bitch be happy

-

[sadhonesty-blog]

6.35am

a shishter was truly in her feelings last night (this morning?).

things were said and yes i do regret how they were said but i’m not taking them back. that was how i was feeling and thinking in the moment. it was me, so imma keep it.

it’s all chill now, listening to some good tunes and grooving through life.

everything is fucked but at least it has a cool sound track.

my thought on life changes with every song.

one minute i want it to end, then i’m milly rocking my way past, then i’m simply not giving a fuck. so... love that for me.

one thing in this new year that i need to learn is to not take things so seriously. as cheesy as it sounds, we only have one chance at getting this life right so i needa make it as enjoyable as possible.

-

[sadhonesty-blog]

*angry gay stress dancing*

[sadhonesty-blog]

3.15am

this is the one place where i can let my thoughts free. where i actually feel comfortable talking about the shit going on in my head.

this was my safe place.

i know you’ve seen things, read my thoughts, pretty sure you know it’s me.

because of your damn question, which wasn’t even a question, more of a statement, i’ve overthought every single action of mine. every single word.

i regret creating this place for myself, which i never thought would be possible.

so, please just leave me alone, at least on here.

everyone has their different ways of coping, this is one of mine.

so please, i beg you, don’t ruin this for me. just leave. forget that you saw any of this

if you truly care message me, not through some anon question. message me.

please. just forget about this.

-

[sadhonesty-blog]

2.53am

fuuuuuuuuuck meeeeeeee

fuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuu

fuuuuuuuuuck everything

ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

why?

i love you brother but please leave me be

-

[sadhonesty-blog]

3.59am

i can’t get you out of my mind. you’ve consumed my whole being. i love you but i’m not in love with you, not yet at least. so thank you darling, for everything. the end of my twentygayteen was pretty all right. i can not wait for what the new year has planned for us. this is the first time i’m going into a year excited for what has to come, happy about being alive. all thanks to you. goodnight, sweet girl.

- m

[sadhonesty-blog]

6.55am

i’m happy. i am happy. I AM HAPPY FOR FUCKS SAKE. this is all so new to me. it’s so weird to think that one single person is able to bring me so much joy. she’s perfect. and she’s mine. i always thought i didn’t deserve such joy but she makes me feel all new sorts of things. she is the most stunning person i have ever laid eyes on and the thought that she likes me just as much is so mind boggling. for the short time that we have been dating, she’s opened my eyes up to a whole new world filled with endless possibilities. because of her i came out to my parents. something i was so terrified of doing. but, i guess she gives me strength. i didn’t sleep last night, and for once i don’t care. to open my blinds, my window and see the blinding sun shine through. i felt the warmth right through me. normally i see the sun as something that gives off light. but now, in this morning, it is so much more. it’s a fresh start. there is light behind everything. for the first time in so long, i see everything around me as beautiful.

the sun, the sky, the light.

it’s taken so long to get here but now that i’m here i’m not going to let it slip away from me.

i’m happy and everything is beautiful.

- m

[sadhonesty-blog]

2.33am

my best friend.

she’s one of the most beautiful girls i’ve ever met. both inside and out. although she wouldn’t agree with that, it’s so very clear to see. when i felt like ending it all, she was there for me. even when she was angry at me, she was still there in the shadows making sure i was alright. she’s told some other people some secrets of mine. secrets that i can only trust in her with. why she told other people, i don’t know. and i’m at a mix of being angry at her and understanding. i’m angry because she has no right to tell my business to other people. but, at the same time i feel as if i deserve it. i’m a pretty fucked up person who does fucked up things, maybe she couldn’t handle me all by herself? it kinda sucks though that i wasn’t able to tell these people these things myself. but, what’s done is done. she has a person. her person. seeing the two of them together, she radiates a type of happiness i’ve never seen before. her entire being lights up when she’s with him. i’m so incredibly happy for her. and it brings me comfort to know that when i go she has someone. at this point in time, i truly don’t believe she would give that much of a fuck if i were to go. she’s so damn happy with him, and i am so damn happy for them both. she deserves happiness. she deserves something good in her life. i’ve got so much love for her, she’s my life saver, but i don’t think she feels the same. and honestly i’m grateful for that. i can leave her life without her even knowing. while i’m gone, she will continue to be happy. out of all people she deserves it.

so, this is a goodbye my dear friend. thank you for the good years you’ve brought me, the incredible memories we’ve created together. i wish you the best. this is the end to our chapter together.

- m

[sadhonesty-blog]

2.25am

i thought i was good. i thought i was fucking happy, and to be honest i was. but of course that had to come to an end. it always does. the one person who was keeping me on this earth betrayed me. i can’t trust her. she was the one person i could be myself around. now, like with everyone else, i have to put a mask on. hide who i am and what i’m feeling. she was the one person that was keeping me here, keeping me alive. now it looks like i have nothing to live for. she doesn’t care about me. if she would she wouldn’t have told people me deepest secrets, should have defended my name when i wasn’t there to do it myself. twenty one pilots. i saw them preform live tonight. the best night of my fucking life. to see them, right in front of me. that brought me so much happiness. they were breathtaking. i’m not sure what to do anymore. i feel so lost. before, i knew i had at least her. but now it seems as i’ve lost her. everything is spiraling out of my control and i can’t do anything but to watch it all go up in flames.

- m

[sadhonesty-blog]

3.20am

my mind has been so over the place recently.

not that it wasn’t before, but now more so than ever.

i’ve made some new friends, they all are so sweet. they were able to put a smile on my face, help me feel somewhat happy. it was weird. i’m not used to feeling this way. i had just met them so i couldn’t tell them the impact they had on me, and they all live half way across the world so it’s not like i’ll ever get the chance to meet them in person.

but still, it’s the thought that counts.

while the online conversations make me happy, it brings me down to think about my present state. my friendships are struggling. i’m drifting from everyone, i could try fixing things. but i believe that if i were to, the friendships would continue one sided. i wish things were as easy as they were in the books.

why can’t i have a happily ever after?

instead i’m stuck in a horrible reality. somewhere where i simply don’t belong.

at least with meeting my new friends, i have a new reason to live. that’s a good thing, right?

- m

[sadhonesty-blog]

10.53pm

i am so fucking sick and tired of being sad all the damn time. it’s summer, i’m on holidays for fucks sake. i should be happy, everyone around me is.

but i just can’t find it in me to be happy.

when things finally started looking up, one wrong thing happens and everything comes crashing down. i am so fucking done with life. with everything. why does shit like this happen to me. i haven’t done anything wrong yet i feel as if i deserve everything that comes at me.

it’s gotten to the point where i don’t trust anyone. somehow my deepest of secrets escape, just not from my mouth.

i can’t fucking deal with all of this by myself. i need someone yet i can’t burden anyone.

the only way i see out of this is by ending my life. too bad i’m such a fucking pussy.

- m

[sadhonesty-blog]

8.06pm

i can’t take it anymore, i am so fucking done with existing

- m

[sadhonesty-blog]

1.15am

i want to get better. mainly for the people around me, my friends, family. but at the same time, i’m fine feeling the way i do. fine feeling numb. because i know i deserve it, you know? i deserve to feel like absolute fucking shit, deserve to feel useless, unwanted, worthless. i should get better, i should at least try. but i don’t want to. with trying, there’s failing. and failing hurts, it hurts me and it hurts others and knowing it hurts others, hurts me even more. feeling the way i do is a stable thing. a thing i’ve been going through for so damn long, i’m used to feeling like this. of course it fucking sucks, there’s bad days then there’s even worse days, but the sadness only hurts me. it’s in my head. it hurts no one else, no one i love. the only reason my problems hurt others is when i open up. i need to shut my problems out from other people, only talk about the positives, if there is any. then i’ll be better. they’ll see how i’ve gotten better and be happy. even though my mind will continue to poison itself, they won’t think anything different. i’ll be better.

- m