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These are just some of my favorite shots I took with my first point-and-shoot camera, and the moment I received the released copies, I somehow felt very connected to them. I used to be apprehensive and unappreciative of film photography owning to its intolerance of mistakes. After having to use one for the first time, I reckon that the more you take shots with it, the more that you embrace your natural tendency to err, that mistakes can be beautiful. There’s something scary with the permanence that film photography entails. But in its permanence lies a certain fulfilling attachment to every shot you take with it.

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Going back to Yamagata means a fresh start to me, not only to my career but also to my mental health. The gravity of toxicity I experienced in my previous workplace in Tokyo was unfathomable I felt like the only sound solution was to return to my safe place. It’s been two months, and I’m still in love with the city: the mountain views, the people, the sophisticated abodes I apparently took for granted.

I’m making sure I’m back in track with my work-life balance. Recently I allot time for myself to go out and practice photography. I’m pretty much happy with my pictures recently, although there’s still so much for me to learn about street photography. I’m also planning to go back to dancing. I just bought a big-ass mirror that I put in my extra room to have no excuse for me not to dance at home.

In general, there’s just so much opportunities for me to make myself inspired everyday. And waking up stressing over, dwelling on things I can’t control is just me being immensely unfair to myself.

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I’ve recently been greatly influenced to start photography as a hobby, and I’m getting the hang of it I’d like to believe. Here are some sakura pictures I took in Yamagata.

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Few photos I took during my trip in Yamagata and Sendai.

What a year it has been. There’s just too much that has happened in my life I feel like this blog’s never gonna know. But to whoever’s concern, everything is going better than before. And hopefully will continue to do so.

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I’ve decided to stop my subscription with my current dance school. Not sure why, perhaps because more than the dance, the travel tires me so much. I may take a break for a month or two, no one knows, and I’m definitely missing dancing. It’s helped me big-time in the process of healing myself, so quitting it kind of sucks. I may join another school much closer from my house and workplace, so I’m not thinking of completely quitting dance. I just need rest, perhaps. Anyway, here’s a video of me dancing at a workshop my friend headed. I’m posting it here cos this might be my last dance vid after a while.

Also, I’ve had much more opportunities to eat home-cooked meals lately. And apparently I’m gaining my weight back, which is definitely a good thing. As I quit dancing, I’m most likely gonna go back to gym. I need to gain my body back lol

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“It’s always hard to leave you.”

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“I’m sleepy, and I miss you.”

Did I tire you last night?

“No, I’m sleepy for the best reason in the world.”

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“In Spanish, we don’t say “I miss you.” We say “Me haces falta” which means I am lacking you.”

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“I like how straightforward you are in what you want. And maybe you are because of the things you experienced in the past, and at this point you know what you want, or at least you are sure of what you don’t want because it caused you pain. I like that you worry that I would be bored, when what I enjoy the most is your company and having your presence near me. We don’t have to be talking non-stop all the time, I would be content walking with you, or listening to music with you, or laying in bed with you just feeling your touch, or letting you smell and touch my hands the way you always do.

And I like how you like breaking rules. Like how you want to cheat in your own games and start counting the number of dates differently and pretend each movie is one date, or start talking about my body when I clearly said that the questions was not going to be about physical things. So now I feel I have my turn to say how my heart skips a bit every time you just want to touch my arm when we are walking. And how you do sweet things and have terrible memory and forget an hour later, like how we were sitting at the park today and you just put your arm around my neck and I just laid there and kept looking at the sky while the airplanes were flying by.

I also really like the way you laugh, and I hope I can always make you laugh because your laugh is like a beautiful rare melody. It just makes me very happy, like tonight when I came back and you were loading your train card. I also sometimes look at you and think you are too good to be true. If I could I would wake up everyday kissing your back. I sometimes can’t believe you’re not content with your body now because I can’t find anything that I don’t like. I really like your legs and since we met I would stare at how your calves are really tight in your socks. I also like the shape of your arms and how amazing it looks when you wear sleeveless shirts. And I’m selfish so sometimes I’m glad you wear really baggy clothes because other people don’t get to see how amazing your body is but I do. You are beautiful in every way I can find, but sometimes I feel I don’t wanna be too straightforward about it because I don’t want you to believe I only like the way you look.”

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“And I know that saying I will take care of you may sound like just words that you’ve heard before.

I don’t wanna lose the best thing that’s ever been mine.”

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“I don’t want you to hold back in any way. I’d never ask you to change the way you are.”

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I always forget things.

“I’ll remember for you.”

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such a fine man damn

Aw thanks dudeskie haha

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mister! Naging School Idol po ba kayo???????? 😮

Di po hahahahaha

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4th month in dance. Di nga lang kinaya ng rayuma ko hahaha

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My weekend in Hogwarts.

I’m not a great fan of HP, but I genuinely enjoyed this trip better than my wizarding world of HP in USJ a couple of years back, for some reasons. Mostly because in here, there were much more nuances in the books and the movies dissected that weren’t in USJ. And of course, surely my company this time around :)

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The other day I randomly felt the urge to get a buzzcut, so spontaneously right after work I had a haircut. Not sure how it fits me, but I don’t think it’s that bad lol at least to me. Today, I went out with my best friend and did some shopping because we realized we both have no appropriate clothes for dancing. So we went to Harajuku and ended up buying things irrelevant to dancing 😂

Right after I had my haircut yesterday I took a soul and lock beginners class. I wanna share a short clip of my dancing after 1 month of consistently attending classes. This is how I dance now after a month, just imagine how worse I was before LOOOOoooll

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Hola y’all!

Haven’t had the chance to update you with life (not that you’re asking for it lol!) I’ve been very busy with work and with all the new things I’ve been trying to do just to keep myself “sane”.

I recently went back to being a morning person. I’ve always loved how peaceful mornings are. Back in my previous city where I was basically surrounded by humongous mountain silhouettes and greenery, I did have great moments with the mornings back then. I missed it ever since I moved in the outskirts of Tokyo last April, and now I’m regaining my mornings back. I wake up early to read just a couple of pages, cook food for my breakfast and lunch, and if time permits, go to the gym. I usually have the luxury of the time every morning to do whatever I wanna do since my work shift starts quite late. What I’m greatly glad about is having enough time to cook myself healthy breakfast.

Ever since I moved to my new city, I took my health for granted (mostly because of stress from my new work) and lost significant weight. But recently I’m trying to work out more, regain the weight I lost, and be just generally healthy. It had become very toxic for me to stay home alone ever since “then”, so as much as possible I’m trying to utilize my free time to do something that makes me grow, may it be trying something I’ve never tried before, improving myself on some skills I already know, or just making myself feel better by doing the things I love doing. The kind of control and liberty I feel I have over my own time, resources, and privileges is the greatest factor that positively affects my mental health right now, so I wanna keep it that way.

And, oh, speaking of trying something new, I also started playing tennis with my Tokyo friends. It hasn’t been that easy to learn it for someone who isn’t sporty at all. I never got the chance to play any sports back when I was still studying, so my body isn’t really that used to it. Also, I forgot to mention I have been joining dance classes since June! Dude, I’m dead serious when I tell you I walk like a fucking penguin—how much more when I dance? I completely don’t have any background in dancing, but I’ve always wanted to learn how to move and groove. I randomly enrolled in a dance school in Shibuya, and little did I know that it’s actually one of the best dance schools in Tokyo, if not in Japan, famous for their high level of difficulty. And damn did I look like a burning duck when I had my trial lesson LMAOo```… It has been almost a month and in all fairness to myself, I see growth and improvement. I’ve mostly been taking beginner hiphop classes ever since I started, but recently I’m trying other genres that interest me, like jazz, rnb, and soul. It’s a hobby I never imagined myself having, and I’m just really glad I did it.

Lots of new things I’ve been trying lately, and I’m proud of myself for being able to remind me of my worth, of how talented and lovable I am, and of how beautiful life is.

#personal

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There’s a couple of things about myself related to this journey which I’ve recently realized, and although i know myself it took a lot of effort to discern and fetch, I’m just more than glad and appeased that I’m already at this point of the process. There’s still an uncertain length of time and way to go, I suppose, but one thing’s for sure: I’m now far from being the desperate, gullible, and self-depreciating version of myself.

I started the healing process with the focus only to myself and to the things I’ve done in relation to how I perceived my worth while in the relationship. I’ve come into terms with the need and the urgency for the break up to happen. Aside from the relationship being toxic in itself, it dawned on me how I was pretty much unprepared and still immature for reasons inconceivable to me at that time. Now I see the need to change, the one that isn’t contingent upon blaming myself (“I have to address myself because I’m bad at this”), but one that takes into consideration why I am myself (“I have to address the cause that made me bad at this”). And the need to change, I realize, has always been there, regardless of who I was in a relationship with. It has always been there, and would continue to exist had I not experienced the recent breakup that happened. Taking accountability and being kind to myself are not mutually exclusive.

I’ve never been prouder of you, Wolfe.

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Just dropping my recent fave reads.

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I stopped writing because we broke up.

It’s been 9 months since we technically ended things, and just today, I woke up with the genuine willingness to move on. How did it take me that long to start with the process? What have I been doing wrong?

In those 9 months, I’ve been in denial, been lying to myself, forcing myself to hope that it’s just a phase, that there’s still a chance. When you love someone more than yourself, you’re willing to sacrifice everything—even your sanity. I’ve deluded myself into thinking that what I’m willing to yield just to fix this are also the things you’re willing to sacrifice. Apparently not.

I blamed myself for so many things. I’ve been insecure. I’ve let my perception of myself shrunk just to justify your leaving. I couldn’t be satisfied with the kind of closure I got, because I didn’t realize that I was hoping to hear certain reasons you couldn’t give me. I wanted to hear the real reasons, but the fact that you hide it from me should’ve already been a reason enough for me to move on.

Now I realized that I still have lots of things to learn, to discover about myself. I have to carefully dissect the root causes of my insecurities. I have to fully understand how I get attached to a person this way, and why. I have to learn that my way of loving is valid, and that who I am, who I’ve been, is valid.

I realize now that moving on doesn’t beg the celebration of the best parts, nor the acceptance of the worst parts, nor the intentional forgetness of both. No. Moving on begs us to acknowledge that in the process of losing the best and worst parts and all the what-if’s and what-could’ve-been’s, we only have ourselves to rely on to survive. And starting today, I’m going back to writing to lubricate my own version of this process.

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Hi