ruffianblue

[ruffianblue]

She threw a jacket at me tonight and the zipper struck my lip, so I’ll be sporting a laceration tomorrow. “She hurt herself, she bumped on something…” But I’ll take it, like I’ve silently taken it all on for the past 20 years. Go see a psychiatrist if you’re fucked up in the head instead of whingering in your sick role. You’re not a martyr! And you’re certainly no Mother Theresa. Fuck you lol. No one’s fucking demanded anything from you. Get off your goddamn high horse! I hate people who threaten me. I’m sick and tired of this.

[ruffianblue]

"I think I've fallen in love this time; I blinked and suddenly I have a Valentine."

We had a lot of good times together. We have inside jokes and things that seem fun only to us. (shaft no.7)

I'll never forget that day when I went to your place and and I nearly cried because it hurt so much and it was my first time; but you were gentle and said it would be all right, so I believed you, and you said "remember to pee", and I said "you're so nice" because I naive and expected less than the bare minimum.

I'll never forget when I had a migraine at Ocean Park and you made me go on a rollercoaster with you even though I didn't want to, but I did anyway because I didn't want to spoil the mood; I threw up after, once in the toilet of the restaurant after the Thai dinner that you paid for, and then again in the toilet of the train station at Admiralty. I had no water and no painkillers and I felt sick; yet I still tried to eat some apple mints so my breath wouldn't smell disgusting, and you kissed me like that would magically cure me of my pain. I said "I'll go buy some Panadol", and you said "can it wait, you're nearly home anyway". I would have bought Panadol and water and paid for a taxi to bring my friend home. Would you do that for me?

Things I wish I didn't know about you:

That you take drinks from the office; that you like VLT; that you have expired Vodka in the fridge; that you rotate between banks for the best cashback; that you have a pair of underwear that has a hole in it; that you used to have flowery bedsheets because your mum made you bring it and you turn the pillows over so the blue side faces up; that you used to dry your hands with a cloth towel but put out paper towels when I'm over; that you like mussels; that you'll eat my mussels for me; that you'll make me eat the salad I leave on the plate; that you'll remind me to pee every time after we do it; that you pick at scabs because you like seeing the blood come out; that you like Haribo Starmix sweets; that you'll try to take candid photos of me from the most unflattering angles and then tell me you like them; that two movies have made you cry; that you tell me to smile with my teeth instead of hiding my braces; that you'll carry my handbag for me; that you call me bb; that you have random tiny stains on your shirt that you've never been able to get out; that you're using the mooncake box I gave you to hold the tickets and receipts from places we go to; that you still haven't fixed your leaky air conditioner; that you like cars; that you like planes; that you like container ships; that you think slapping a filter on will save a bad photo; that you cry easily; that your penis is curved; that you run up the stairs to the train station every day; that you're almost always late for work; that you spend hours scrolling on social media; that you feel lonely; that the first words you said to me were "burning the midnight oil?"; that you were my first boyfriend and the boy I lost my virginity to; that we never made it past my birthday.

[ruffianblue]

only last 3 months, he was actuallly homophobic and sexist 

Best first date- I’m not sure you can even call it a date, maybe justt a meet up with a guy from Bumble? So he tells me he’s from singapore and he’s actually only in HK for a few more days! he asks me out, I tell him i’m not sure I want an LDR. then after another day of texting he asks me out again. turns out he’was actually in macau on the day we met, but i have an evening class that day, so he literally took an earliler boat so he could come bac kto hk earlier, we went on this super spontaneous date. he was actualllly pretty funny and confident. I would say it was the best one because it was so memorable and he was a realtively normal person.

worst date - I went on a date with this guy who seemed really normal over text, the moment i sit down and he starts talking I can feel that this won’t go well. He hadn’t smiled the ENTIRE time. He speaks SO loudly I think the entire restaurant will hear, and it’s not just casual chat, he’s asking questions about my dating experience and my family, and in an interrogative way too. When the bill comes he pays and it’s a bit on the pricier side so I’m like “let me pay you back later!” and he’s like “you can if you want”. When it’s time to leave he literally rushes out of the restaurant as if he can’t get away fast enough and books it across the road, without even looking back! He works at the same hospital as my friend so I texted her afterwards, and she said that apparently he’s a jerk at work too, and this just a rumour, but once he got angry with a nurse, and basically threatened to rape her.

[ruffianblue]

Best first date?

I’m on a certain dating app and match with a cute guy who looks like the human version of a golden retriever. I text him, and he replies quickly! He is literate! He warns me that he is only in the area for travel, and will be flying home in a few days. I am sorely disappointed, but thank him for being upfront. He asks me out on a date, and I turn him down politely - the conversation is going great, but I am wary of long distance relationships and do not see the point in meeting if it won’t progress any further. We decide to take the conversation off the app anyway and I download a messaging app just so I can continue talking to him. He asks me my attachment style; I tell him frankly that it is anxious. He thanks me for sharing and says his is secure - of course. Seemingly unperturbed by my confession, he asks me out again. I say yes this time; I can’t turn down this man twice in a row! He tells me he will be on a trip in another city on the day we meet, but it’s all good because he will change his boat ticket! He plans to catch me in that small window of time before I have to leave for my evening class. We then discover it’s not possible to change the time for his ticket. He reassures me that he will figure it out and later ends up lining up in a standby queue for over half an hour, after which, fortunately, he was allowed to board an earlier boat. He successfully makes it back to my city, right on time, for the date.

We have just short of an hour. We sit down in the cafe, we talk - well, I mostly asked reflective questions and let him chatter away. His confidence and unique ability to make me feel at ease is overwhelmingly attractive. When it’s time to pay, he tells me he’s got it and literally shoots out of his chair to get to the counter - this has to be the first time I’ve ever felt like a guy actually wanted to pay for me out of his own volition and not simply due to date etiquette. He insists on walking me to my class and when we reach the building, we share our goodbyes at the door. I want to ask to hug him, but the words get stuck in my throat. We wave, he smiles as he turns to leave, finally disappearing around the corner, and then he’s gone, as quickly as he came into my life.

Why was this the best date? 

I was moved by his sincerity and persistence - it’s not every day that someone will change their literal travel plans just to meet me. 

He was one green flag after the other - being a good communicator, having a secure attachment, showing genuine concern for my needs.

He has shown me what a “good” man can look like; and in doing so has allowed me to realise that none of the (eight) guys I have met up with off various dating apps have been up to standard - I can’t settle for less now that I know the bar can be so high.

Thank you, next ☺

[ruffianblue]

“you got bubble tea even though you’re so Fat?”

“you’re so Ugly, no one will ever like you unless you slather yourself with makeup”

“you’re a Failure”

“you’re so boring and bland, that’s why no one likes you” 

She comes up with Negative Thoughts for you; you don’t even need to come up with your own. 

:-) 

I think that part of the reason why I want so desperately to be in a relationship is because I want to move out. I need to move out; I’m hanging onto a meagre strand here.  

[ruffianblue]

My most dehumanizing experience: I was 18 at a new school. It was hard enough for me to fit in - She dictated my hairstyle even though I clearly told Her I despised it, and could not look at myself in the mirror without wanting to shrivel up into nothing. I turned to food - it was the one thing I could control and it made me feel good if only for the brief moment that I was shoveling it down my throat - and gained 7kg over the span of a few months. The last straw - She ordered me to strip naked in front of her and she would bathe me as I stood limply in the shower, two hands barely covering my remaining dignity. “You don’t know how to properly shower - your hair is so greasy, no one will ever like you, no one will even want to talk to you. You’re disgusting.” “I’m doing this for your own good.” There it was, the magic phrase that automatically annulled every fiber of me that protested and screamed at Her to just leave me alone. Later on, in the midst of another argument, She screamed relentlessly at me - for what reason I don’t recall now, but no doubt a trivial matter - and I escaped to the bathroom, yet She proceeded to bang on the door, screeching, unleashing Her fury, and in that moment my vision tunneled and I saw no other way out than to immediately drink the container of detergent under the sink to terminate my existence if it meant I didn’t have to listen to another word from that contorted sick face. In the end I didn’t. I thought it would be a hassle for the cleaner, and this sentiment perhaps sums up my entire existence.

[ruffianblue]

I made the decision to be numb, to not let her words affect me anymore, but its so hard, so hard to ignore them, so hard to be perfect, so hard to please them and please me, so hard to breathe, so hard to walk to live to exist. I say one thing but mean the other. “It’s ok to get help” yet I never do. Im a stupid liar, the lies just roll off my tongue, because I want them so much to be true. Pathetic. I can say it a million times and it’ll never come true. Im a stupid loner, im so unloveable and dont deserve happiness, no one wants to be my friend, they all just find me pitiable, they only talk to me out of pity or obligation, they all secretly hate me, they hate me, they dont want me here. If I died today, who would come to my funeral? its funny i cant name anyone who would be sad. My parents would be angry at me for dying so early, they’ve made it pretty clear I was an expensive investment. Thats why i cant die yet, I need to make sure they at least get their money’s worth. If there’s anything i hate most its injustice.

[ruffianblue]

The first person who actually made me feel validated was a middle aged woman scanning my purchases at the IKEA cashier on a warm summer’s day a few years ago.

“Hey, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you feeling nervous?“

She had noticed my hands trembling as I scrambled through my wallet for the required amount of cash. “Oh no, I’m fine.” My response was reflexively cheery. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this. I’d been asked this countless times before - Hey, are you ok? You look so pale. You look a bit nervous. You look like you’re not enjoying yourself. Why aren’t you talking? - Oh I’m fine. I’m great. I knew I wasn’t convincing anyone, but maybe if I repeated it enough times I’d actually believe it myself.

“It’s just that I suffer from the same thing. It’s called anxiety. You might want to get that checked out. You’ll feel better, I promise.”

She handed me my bags. I thanked her, and left.

It was such a ridiculous situation that it was almost laughable. I grew up learning that my mother’s love was conditional - I was only worthy of it if I was perfect. The emotions I associated with getting failing was not sadness, but fear - I knew what awaited me at home behind closed doors. I had a panic attack leaning against the wall of a bathroom stall in primary school after being handed a bad grade in a maths test, and I secretly hoped I would be physically ill because that might win me some sympathy points. My mother rarely hit me, but she had a way with words that made me feel like physical punishment would have been more merciful. I was her little tin soldier - I could not fail, I could not let her down, I could not give up, I could not break down. It didn’t matter what I felt; I just had to do whatever I was told. I was envious of those who could cry so freely while I had to hide my tears and carry on. I once tried to share my feelings with her; she dismissed them and told me I was being ungrateful (is this what the kids call gaslighting?) When I was at my lowest, I had told myself I’d be dead before 25. Ironically it was the fear of being punished for a failed suicide attempt that kept me alive. At that time I was the only one I could turn to; I took care of myself, dragged myself to university lectures, gave myself pep talks, calmed myself down. I knew I had to survive by any means necessary; and I did. Fake it till you make it, right? In a strange (or perhaps not so strange) twist of fate I now work as a healthcare professional dealing with emotions and mental health, when I spent my entire life being denied mine. And funnily enough the first person was really able to look past my smile was a mere stranger who had no more than a few seconds of interaction with me.

You might have thought you were being nosy, and I may never muster up the courage to get help, but that sense of pure relief I got from being seen has stuck with me until now. So whoever you are, thank you, and I wish you well.

[ruffianblue]

I keep coming back. I’m no better than I was when I first started writing these posts. I wish I had become a better person, someone who wouldn’t have to sit hunched at a desk writing these private tumblr posts because she didn’t have any other route whatsoever to vent. Nothing has changed. I’m still the same pathetic being I was, and I hate it.  

It’s funny how my mood changes in an instant. One moment I’m all giddy and happy; and the next, just like a switch has been flipped, I’ve been cast down the depths of a dark pit and there’s no way out. And you’re perhaps the only person who can make me feel this way. I normally try not to let anything affect my mood, because nothing can hurt me if I am numb - you’re the only one who can do so, and drastically.

Back then, it was the insults, the voice-raising, the contorted face as you screeched at me. Now, you can make me loathe myself with just a few words. Like back then, I want to scream into the void. I used to want you to just stop talking; now, every fibre of my being is earning for you to talk to me, to look at me properly in the eyes, to really listen to what I have to say. I want you to let me know that it is alright for me to have a voice; that my voice is worthy of being heard. I want affirmation that I am a human being with valid opinions and thoughts.

Look at me - please - Your attention is the only thing my desperate fingers can cling onto so I don’t slip into the darkness waiting below. But at the same time, I feel like I want to just let go and fall back. Let the darkness swallow me up. Let my body and mind fade into nothingness. No obligations, no responsibilities, no attachments. Just floating in a strange sort of limbo. Just existing. Is that too much to ask?

[ruffianblue]

Is this another game? A game where you barrage me with insults, trying to find my fuse and set it alight?

You say I’m a failure, and that you're disappointed with me - and then you wonder why I have this low self-esteem, why I can’t bring myself to look someone in the eye, why I flinch when other people make physical contact? Your taunts hurt more than those repeated slaps. Don’t you understand that those words made me feel like I had no use whatsoever in this world, and that my entire existence was redundant?

Then days later you will hug me and laugh with me, like nothing has ever happened, but I don’t think I will ever be able to get those words and your contorted face as you say them out of my mind.

[ruffianblue]

When it bleeds 

It’s how the physical pain overrides the emotional hurt - as if by making that incision, you can leach all those pent-up feelings away

It’s those little beads of crimson oozing into roundness, each droplet signifying each heartbreak

It’s when just nobody understands, and nothing’s going right, and you feel that you’re utterly worthless, and this is probably the only thing you can accomplish

[ruffianblue]

Maybe the reason why I seem to have no friends whosoever is because I’m the worst kind of person to hang out with. It’s not like I don’t care - I care for you with my heart - but I’m just ugly, anti-social and blunt, and I don’t think of good topics to talk about.

I expected too much, when I had little to give.

[ruffianblue]

They tell me I’m good, but I know I’m not good enough.

I’m not worth knowing. Consider me a passing shadow. You’re probably better off without having known me at all - my inability and awkwardness makes you turn your head in disgust.

He’s better. Go and fawn over him. And you know what? He was always better, since day one. The genius… the talented child… the gifted one. Those chances that you gave him, I did not have. Other people don’t say it out loud, but I knew the truth in their eyes - he was simply better; he deserved more. And more he got, while I was left in the dark with meagre broken pieces, left to my own devices to put them together.

And today, you compare him to me? There is no point in comparing - the result will always be the same. He will emerge victorious - first - as he did nineteen years ago.

[ruffianblue]

Every morning, I meet the world with a smile. A smile that I put on. Because nobody really takes the time to understand me, and it’s too complicated to explain.

It’s okay, I’m alright, I say. I’m good.

And they nod and approve, and everything’s fine. No one gets worried. There’s no need to bother anyone - this is my own insecurity, something I should handle by myself.

[ruffianblue]

What if the Ugly Duckling was really just an ugly little duck? What if his reflection in the river was simply a twisted illusion of the image he had always yearned to be, but was never meant to be?

How long does this “Ugly Duckling” stage last, before it’s declared a hopeless case?

I peer at myself in the mirror daily to see if I have shed my grey down for a pure white coat of feathers, and several times I have been mistaken; and I am still very much an ugly duckling. The one who sticks out like a sore thumb. The weakly runt. The neglected under-dog.

Truth to be told, all the others have blossomed into cheerful, wholesome young ducks; while I tag along, head hung low, unworthy of a glance.

I know somewhere in me, there’s a strange, quivering orb of power that struggles to be released. But so far, I’m still waiting. There is nothing I can do.

And so while the onlookers make snide comments, I retort with silence. It is undeniable that I am ugly. Stupidity and ambition do not make a good combination.

But there is hope. Look at those swans, making their way effortlessly across the sky. Someday, I will, by sheer luck and an unknown miracle, develop soft, feathery wings of my own; and then, I will join them. The sky’s the limit. 

[ruffianblue]

I’m always the lone wolf. I never really understood the true meaning of it until now.

I’m the odd one out. I’m the outcast. I’m the one who sits on the sidelines. I don’t fit in, no matter what I do. I’m just awkward. The ugly, stupid one that no one wants.

I’m quiet. That’s the problem. I’m not good with strangers or people I remotely know. I think of witty things to say, but they stay in my mouth. And I stutter. I stumble over words a lot. I’m not good with words; never have been.

So that’s me. The lone wolf. The quiet, vulnerable one. The one lagging behind from the pack. I’m the one you wouldn’t approve of. You’re the leader of the pack. Naturally, weaklings are to be abandoned.

Please wait for me - I am trying. My cocoon has been wrapped so protectively and tightly around me that I can’t breathe. I am struggling, and eventually, I will escape. Maybe you’ll accept me then. Maybe everyone will finally accept me when that time comes. Maybe then, I won’t be the lone wolf anymore. I will be alone no more.

[ruffianblue]

Silence scares me - especially when I realize I’m alone.

The silence is stifling. I’ve been left behind, in the middle of nowhere. There is no place where I can go to. I’m surrounded by dead-ends. Silence rings in my ears.

They’ve abandoned me, gone off together, holding hands, signifying bonds that I will never be able break into.

I hate the sound of silence.