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roundmylittlefinger · 8 days

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how can i be a better domme to my partner? i have no experience and am nervous about trying to domme. they're into praise and degradation too and im not good at that

Being a good Domme starts in your own mind. You can‘t be a good Domme unless you understand the psychology of submission and why your Sub wants to be submissive and why you have the need to be dominant.

First you have to find out what you like and what you don‘t like. What do you want and what are your no-go‘s?

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You always have to remind yourself that BDSM and every session is for both of you. A part of your role as a Domme is to nurture your Sub into someone who is comfortable with her sexuality, and being able to enjoy everything that she wants to do and feel without feeling guilty about it.

Some Subs are completely at ease with sex, their bodies and their fantasies. Others have issues with all or some of those topics. As a good Domme you must understand and accept this and not push their boundaries.

There is a Domme code I once did read and I still think it’s perfect to remember in every situation: „Leave your Sub better than you found her.“

Of course you’re not her therapist, but you can do your part to make her feel great about sex and BDSM.

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Whenever a Sub comes to you as a Domme, you have to be able to quickly gauge where she lies on the submissive spectrum. This means you need to find out: What does she need in the first place, what does she want, etc.

I know this sounds complicated for someone without any experience, but you‘ll learn it after some time.

Just listen to your girl. She will tell you what she needs and wants. Your job is to fulfill those needs. Don't assume your own way is right. Often it is not. Always talk to your Submissive, never only do what you want.

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As I began to be a Domme myself, l've been learning how to present myself strong and dominant. This taught me that showing them that you can be strong and brutal is way more powerful as a turn on than being actively brutal with them.

Don’t believe you have to shout to make your Sub do something for you. I almost never raise my voice. A raised voice indicates annoyance, aggression and loss of control – everything that is the opposite of being a calm and in control Domme. Often a quieter voice is far more effective. As an example, suppose your Sub answers back. An eyebrow raise and an “Excuse me?” said quietly whilst maintaining eye contact with her works wonders.

You don't have to be brutal and treat your girl aggressively to be a Domme. Being a Dominant is not about aggression, manipulation or abuse.

You won’t always get your own way. In fact, being the Domme in the relationship often equals more work, because you now have to look after two people (yourself and your Sub). As much as she is there to serve and attend to your needs, you must attend to hers and not take advantage of her eagerness to please without giving her back anything in return.

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Some more tips:

Whether you are a beginner or professional Dom, you are never going to get it right all the time. Make light of your mistakes and your Sub will too.

There’s no need to be heavy and intense all the time. You don’t have to approach this with the solemnity of a politician delivering bad news. If your personality is naturally jovial and light-hearted then incorporate that into your play. Laugh and have fun with your sub.

Being a good Domme does not mean you have to enjoy all aspects of BDSM. I don’t like inflicting pain, for example, and I’m not that into leather. Does that make me a bad Domme? No. Don’t try and do everything. Learn what you and your partner enjoy and stick to that.

Everything you do should be consensual. Never force someone to do something they do not want to do or is going to cause long term physical or emotional harm. Remember the principle of Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) at all times.

Not owning up to mistakes. If you make a mistake, admit it and apologise if necessary. There’s a real strength in being able to admit your flaws.

It’s wrong to demand submission too soon. Some Dominants expect their partner or date to be submissive right from the off. This isn’t how it works. You must earn her submission. A Sub must respect and trust you before she is willing to submit to you. Don’t be the dumbass who starts ordering someone around on a first date.

Expecting submission outside the bedroom. Not all submissives (or dominants) enjoys submitting in everyday life, and you shouldn’t expect them to. Some subs want to be treated roughly during sex, but return to an equal power status afterwards. Some want an unequal power dynamic 24 hours a day.

If you aren’t clear in communicating your desires, or make your rules too complicated, or haven’t written them down, you can’t expect your Sub to follow them. Consider writing a BDSM contract for clarity.

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Execute your dominance slowly but progressively, learning where her and your boundaries are. Don‘t overstep them ever.

When you both have set your boundaries, respect them, but (of course depending on the situation/person/kind if boundary) play with balancing just on the edge. You could end up pushing their boundaries and either make her and you feel bad or make you both enjoy it in the end. You definitely have to talk to your Sub before doing anything.

Definitely talk after every session in great extent. No matter if it was a session over 5 minutes or 5 hours. Have your Sub tell you every detail they liked and didn't like, what they thought you could do better, etc.

In the same way, tell them how you felt.

Trust your Sub. She is a grown woman and more than capable of telling you if she believes you are taking advantage of her or if you‘re doing everything right.

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Find a mentor, someone who knows a lot about BDSM and is in the scene for a long time already and ask them all your questions. Ask them for help if you need.

Try to talk to many Dommes before you settle for one. Get a wide spectrum of answers, verify those answers against one another and as you find a trustworthy mentor, listen to how the answers from other places differs from theirs.

Experienced kink folk are the ones that have already screwed up and carry the scars from it. Learn from their scars instead of making that same mistake yourself.

Become a member of the community. Find out who is good and what makes them good. Who is bad at it and what makes them bad.

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Your Sub should know it's your first time domming. If you mess up, it's entirely okay to laugh about it. No shame, you're learning. You will feel more confident if you can laugh about it.

If you are not having fun, don't be afraid to say „Ok, this isn't working“ or „I'd prefer if we do this and this and this instead right now, want to change the plan?“.

Never change plans without bringing up a solution and ask that if your Sub has a complaint, that she comes with a solution following her complaint. This is so you aren't left feeling like all the responsibilities are on you.

This helps not break the Sub from their state of mind, it makes you dominant and handle the scene. It also leaves a space for the Sub to negotiate these new terms without breaking characters.

If no one is having fun, you both aren't doing it right and are probably just not compatible. Be honest, speak your mind, trust your partner as much as they trust you.

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Not everything you read online will suit you. Don’t think you have to do something just because another Domme is doing it.

For example, if you don’t like spanking, don’t do it. It doesn’t make you less of a Domme.

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Since it's your first time, make sure your Sub knows that you might need aftercare as a Domme too, but that you might not know what you need yet. Some people like to cuddle in silence, some like to talk about it all and others like me needs a shower right after sex. Don't be ashamed of not knowing what you want, but make sure you can voice it out as you go.

I recommand for you both to take the bdsmtest.org before you start domming. It will help you find out more about yourself and your Sub.

Afterwards, you should read a lot about the kinks that were shown you as the most compatible.

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A Mommy Domme exhibit caregiving tendencies and enjoy the softer, more tender qualities of caring for someone else. They are often paired with Littles and provide a motherly type figure or role model to guide their Sub. Mommy Dommes and little girl dynamics are often referred to as MDLG (Mommy Domme Little Girl) or CLG (Caregiver Little Girl).

A sadist Domme enjoys inflicting pain on her submissive, who is referred to as a masochist (or a „pain slut“, if she is not offended by that language). The sadist Domme will be interested in bondage, spanking, flogging and perhaps even inflicting pain during sexual activity. A sadist Domme may also enjoy humiliating or degrading her submissive through words, during sex, or when punishing her.

A Lady Domme is paired with a slave or service-orientated submissive. In this style of Domme and Sub dynamic the Lady treats her Submissive as property, and they engage in sexual and non-sexual play. For example, the Submissive might be responsible for maintaining the household, cooking dinner, or being a sexual plaything for the Lady Domme to enjoy. They might engage in slave training where the Submissive learns what the Lady Domme enjoys and how to perform her duties.

An owner Domme may refer to ownership for a submissive slave, but may also refer to owning a Submissive who enjoys acting like a pet. During pet play the Domme would serve the Sub food from a bowl on the floor, wear a collar and sleep in a cage.

A Caregiver/romantic Domme enjoys nurturing her Sub. She helps her achieve her goals and may be involved in making choices in her life such as what clothes she wears and what she eats.

A financial Domme controls the money of her submissive.

A rigger Domme enjoys rope either for the appeal of seeing her Sub tied up and restrained or simply for the beautiful ropework.

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The thing that changes degrading from an act of bullying to a source of pleasure is context and consent. Sex and real life are not the same. The difference between what you are comfortable with in the bedroom versus in a real life or public scenario entirely depends on consent and the element of choice.

The understanding that consent is key to incorporating degrading should not be taken lightly. In order for everyone involved to feel safe and find pleasure from degradation, there needs to be regular talks about limits, boundaries, and what you want to gain from the scene. In the heat of the moment, it can be easy for a degradation scene to be taken too far, even with one simple comment or act.

Due to this, it is essential to have advanced planning before attempting any act of degradation. Safewords should also be established, allowing anyone in the scene to give the warning to slow down or stop the scene completely if needed. All parties need to express what they are and are not comfortable with doing or saying. Someone may express that they want to have certain parts of their bodies insulted, but the other person involved may not be comfortable saying these insulting terms. That is absolutely okay but should be discussed prior to the scene. Everyone involved is allowed to have boundaries, and they need to be respected.

The intention behind degrading is to bring intense feelings of humiliation or embarrassment, and because of the emotions that can stem from this, aftercare is a must. Aftercare provides reassurance and affirmation, creating a feeling of safety and respect that was not present during the degrading scene.

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On the complete opposite spectrum to degradation, some Subs find arousal from praise. There is nothing some Submissives love more than positive reinforcement. Whilst praise can be verbal, there can be physical elements incorporated. A pat on her head or a kiss on her forehead can be just as good as a verbal affirmation. When giving out compliments, make sure to be sincere in your praises. Half-hearted compliments will be noticed, and your goal of making your Sub feel appreciated will not be reached.

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Some Submissives are into both degrading and praise, which is totally alright. The thing is: You need to talk with your Sub beforehand about her boundaries and what exactly she wants to hear and what not. Are there words that trigger bad feelings in your Sub? Are there things that do the opposite?

To use praise and degradation in one sentence, combine a praise with an „insult“. For excample it could be: „You‘re my pretty slut.“ or „Your cunt is already molded into the shape of my strap, and you look so perfect- fucked out like this, baby.“

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