rosequartz-and-agate-blog

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Tonight, you told me that you don’t know if we’re going to work.

You broke my heart with three words. I fell apart.

I don’t know if you just don’t want to say a definite “we’ll make it work,” or if you actually don’t know if you want to spend your life with me. You won’t tell me.

I hope with all of my being that you just don’t want to say definites. You’ve reassured me so many times that you want to marry me, but I’m scared that you’ll never be “ready.” It’s not a deal breaker, but it will eventually make me wonder WHY you won’t make the commitment. Just because of legalities and what ifs? Everyone faces those when they get married. They still do it. And if you’re reading this, as long as I keep to my plan with it anyway, you will have faced those fears. And in that case, I’m proud of you. Because tonight I saw that those fears are very real for you.

But I hope you know and understand how real my fears are, too. You have me terrified that I’m going to lose my best friend. My person. The love of my life. I can’t imagine my life without you and hopefully I’ll never have to see what it’s like. It’s up to you, though. I hope you choose me. I hope you choose to marry me. I hope we are able to have kids...

I hope you still want kids.

I hope you love me more again. I hope even more that tonight you were just more stressed or something and said something you didn’t really mean. But I can’t bank on that.

I hope i didn’t let my anger in grief ruin our relationship. I’m going to work on it. I’ll talk to a professional if I have to. I promise. I will always take what you tell me seriously. I hope you know that.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

We have a very spoiled puppy! She’s almost 8 months old, a whole 43 pounds, and finally needs a large collar. Since she’s allergic to cheap collars (of course *insert eye roll), I just ordered her a handmade, personalized soft-leather collar with an engraved metal buckle. B O U R G E O I S.  I made sure it’s not too girly - I made the primary color a dark blue, just for you. :)

And then her little nameplate is a nice corally pink color so maybe people won’t call her a “him” so much. Hopefully, it fits right.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

I’m so proud of you.

I hope you know that. I think you do. Today’s your first day in the shipyard, not as a contractor. I don’t know if I’d be able to leave a job to take a pay cut, even if it meant a little more reliable of a future. I think I get comfortable too fast... I don’t know how to change that, though. Honestly my future with Moneytree seems steady enough that I haven’t really thought about leaving, which is a nice change compared to my last couple jobs.

Anyway, I’m glad you’ve made it into the yard and I couldn’t be more excited to see where this takes you and us.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Kind of your first nephew

Myles Oscar was born this morning. 10lbs 6oz, and seemingly very healthy. 💙

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Tosha passed away at 12:55pm on November 20, 2019.

I’m broken and not okay, and you know that. It would be impossible for you not to know.

I want her back.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Too many fucking opportunities

is exactly what you’ve had to show me how dedicated you are to me and my family.

On Tuesday, 5 days ago, she had multiple seizures and probably a stroke. She’s suffering a subarachnoid hemorrhage on her brain, doesn’t really remember the days between then and now, and doesn’t have motor skills- she misses her mouth when she eats, misses things she tries to grab, and almost spilled a bowl of soup on herself because she wanted to pick it up, but started to tilt it without noticing.

We finally got to go see her today. I hadn’t seen her since she was incubated in the Harrison ER. I’ve been scared, sad, and stressed beyond belief all week. It’s so bad that it actually caused a breakout. I’m happy that I got to see and talk to her, but I’m worried about when she comes home. I’m not happy with how david is treating her. He gets impatient and just does things for her, which will hinder her progress if he keeps doing it. And he makes fun of her for where her brain lags or fails. She told me it hurts, but I knew before she even said it. It’s bullshit and it makes me wanna fucking punch him.

I also took Bub out to frozen yogurt tonight so I could talk with him. We got squared away with what he needs to know about what’s going on at this point and I tried to explain everything the best that I can. I didn’t shelter him from the risks and what can hurt her, and what it means for him since he’s gonna be the one whos home with her for most of the day. I let him know that he’s never alone though, and all he needs to do is let us know if he needs something. It was a really good talk and I think we both are feeling a little better and more secure about, at least, our emotions.

Now that my update on that is done... I can focus on you. You never fail to surprise me with how supportive you are. You’ve been such a great partner in raising Mable, and you’ve made sure that we all have what we need to be okay. You do your best to make sure I’m happy and can take care of myself in the ways that I need to. You’ve held me while I cried so many times, there’s no way I can guess. I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like going through this without you. I’d be a completely different person without you, and I don’t think I would like that other version of me. Thank you for everything you do. For driving me to Tacoma so I can see my sister and not worry about crying, wanting to have a dinner soon with my parents and brother, and loving not only Mable and me so much, but also my family.

You’re my forever. My absolute best friend. My love. My rock. I couldn’t have asked for better.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Sitting in my training class for work, waiting for it to start, and I just became overwhelmed with how much I love you and our little life together. We’re getting somewhere closer to where we want to be, and I’m really proud of us. We’ll get there, but for now I’m very happy with us and where we’re at.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Mable’s getting so big. That toy you see? That’s the first toy she picked out for herself... and the first toy that she absolutely demolished in a single day.

I’m pretty sure she’s gonna keep that one perky ear. The other one goes floppy sometimes, so at least we get that for now. You think they’re both gonna stand up soon, but we’re hoping she keeps control of them.

I’m so glad we get to love her, and that she loves us so much. She’s a pretty great fur baby.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

I started at Moneytree this week. I haven’t actually done too much, but I’m pretty sure if they’d let me, I could do most of it. I start classes for it on Tuesday, which means * three-day weekend* 

I’ve been trying to adjust to living with your family more. It’s still difficult dealing with Amanda and her double-standards. I don’t think it’ll get easier. I wish you’d speak up about what I talk to you about since you don’t want me to do it... for which I can’t blame you. I’m getting tired of her constantly treating our dog like she’s second-class, and you not saying anything about it because “she takes Mable out when we’re gone sometimes” and “she loves her.” Also, I fucking hate bandanas on dogs, and I’d much rather prefer shirts and cute collars, but you seem to like bandanas just because Brit-Rose had them, and your mom keeps buying matching ones for Mable and Lola. So I still can’t say anything about it, or it’ll hurt someone’s feelings. Again, I wish you’d help stand up for me.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Vet Visit #3!

Mable Lily’s officially had all of her puppy shots! Now we can take her to the store, the dog park, and let her meet people.

She’s just over 15 weeks (about 3.5 months) old. She weighs in at 21lbs.

Her favorite toys are rawhide bones, and anything hard to teeth on. Also, any of my blankets. She also thinks that my chair is hers, but under your chair is her favorite safe place whether or not you’re in it.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

So, a few days ago, I had an appointment with my gynecologist. He confirmed that I have a moderate case of PCOS, but believes we should classify it as an anovulatory dysfunction of sorts. Basically, I don’t ovulate. While talking with him, he checked my blood tests from a few months ago and noticed that my glucose levels were off. He diagnosed me as also being prediabetic and prescribed metformin to me. Metformin is supposed to help regulate my insulin reactions to food while I make changes to my diet, and it’s used to help treat certain aspects of PCOS. I guess if you take metformin to treat everything, and you’re not taking birth control, it can help you ovulate?? I might have that wrong, but he said it’s very common for women with PCOS to take metformin to help with treatment.

Once I told you, you told your family so they know I can’t eat everything that I want anymore. It’s been really difficult for me, but you’ve been extremely supportive and you help me set boundaries. I can’t describe how grateful I am to have you and have your help in these struggles. I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am without your help. Thank you, my love.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

I got a new job... again!

I got hired at Money Tree. I start in just under 3 weeks, so I get to hand in my 2 week notice tomorrow. Initially they had told me in the interview that I would be starting between $12-13 an hour, but they ended up hiring me at $14 and full time with benefits. I get all the normal stuff - medical/dental/vision, paid time off, paid holidays, floating holidays, and a retirement plan - but also pet insurance, adoption assistance, and tuition reimbursement. Plus it’s an office setting where I can look like a real person every day.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Our girl had her second vet visit today!

She weighed in at a hefty 16 pounds, at 12 weeks old.

She knows sit and lay down pretty well, so she’s learning roll over and stay now.

Overall, 10/10 puppy 🐶

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Age: ~12 weeks

Favorite Treats: Dried sweet potato

Mable is getting used to riding in the car, and does best when she’s not on someone’s lap. She’s starting to signal that she needs to go out when she’s running around, and practically “goes” on demand. She’s taken a liking to laying under my desk while I sit at the computer, and under really any chair. She can last 6 hours alone in her crate with no accidents.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

One roof.

I moved in 2 days ago. The closet in the hall is mine, thanks to a group effort of cleaning it out, tearing apart my dresser, and putting it back together where it’s supposed to be. My mom even helped us transport some of my stuff so she got to hang out with Mable for a little while. I’m just happy to finally have one primary home for us and our little family.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

Mable Lily

Born: May 20, 2019

Momma: Piper, Lab/Rott

Daddy: Baba Yaga, Boxer/Husky

Brought home: July 19, 2019

Age: 9 weeks

Favorite Toy: small stuffed ones, especially the blue sloth she stole from Lola.

Signals to go outside when crated

Almost learned “sit”

Loves zoomies

Army crawls to Dad, mostly cuddles Mom

Hiccups all the time

Responds to her name

Knows to jump up if I pat my legs

Mable has very good manners so far and will sit when you say her name in a stern tone. She’s stubborn to go in her crate and will howl if it’s silent and she’s alone. She’s NOT a fan of the hairdryer or baths for that matter.

She means the world to me.

Thank you for making it work and helping me get her. I love her, and I love you so much.

[rosequartz-and-agate-blog]

I forgot.

We also had cider at Bushel & Bee Taproom. You had a lavender cider, and I started with a bourbon peach cider. I finished my drink, thanks to a drinking game, and also had a watermelon pear cider that was really good.