room-10

[room-10]

2/29/2024

Yesterday we talked. Finally. Via email but there was an exchange of words.

I love you. I miss you..

[room-10]

2/28/24

Last night was hell. A panic attack and two nightmares.

I cant stop thinking about how far you’ve pushed me away. Are you testing how much I love you by pushing me away? Is this my punishment?

Time… you would always fight me on time. And now I have all of it in the world and youre always so busy.

Sex…i dont want that anymore. It used to be so pure and loving and good with you. Even from so far away. I dont. I cant.

My voice… I fear that youve been under the impression that I am as close to anyone as I am with you. And you dont know how untrue that is. Ive lost myself in you. And now I feel voiceless. My interest, my love, my everything. Its all pointless.

Whatever.

I miss you

And I love you.

[room-10]

2/27/24

This morning I got a new phone and I was scared that not all of the data and photos would transfer over. In looking through it all, I found the pictures and videos of you from your 30th. How could I ever stop loving you? How could you ever say that I just….showed up. That really hurt and destroyed me.

We often revert back to the same argument. You think theres something WRONG with you, and that thats why I cant take the next step. I am anxious (in a good way) to live….life. Establish a routine and a home but our lives are just so different and I really dont think you’ll be happy here. And the more I was in your home, the only thing that kept yelling at me is “how can you take all of this away from her”.

I fell in love with you. And it hurts to hear you say that youve been miserable for years and I shouldnt have ever responded back that New Years. I tried everyday to love you and make you happy as best as I could, given the confines of how unorthodox we are and the limitations I had in my own being. I learned and I grew and I changed. And all for what? Maybe youre right.

My heart is heavily guarded. As is my spirit. I dont crave intimacy or love or affection. I think im ok without it, unless its from you.. I really do think thats where I am now.

I miss you

And I love you

[room-10]

2/26/24 pt 2

Today is a hard day. The nightmares really shook me to my core. You were so serene and beautiful and sweet and happy…yet I couldnt see your face. Your hair covered your actual face all dream.. i could see everything….but your face. It was blocked. Im blocked.

Im not handling this remotely well. And because it seems that I can carry it, does not make the severity of our new reality anymore heavy.

I think about you all day. Especially on regular days as im going through my routine. My routine. My basic and stupid and day to day routine that has caused four years to just fly.

You last said for me to love you toxically and unapologetically and without shame. How? All Ive ever been is toxic and full of apologies and shame. I can only love you in the ways I know how.. listening and paying attention and asking if you ate and how you slept and helping you with anything and everything. I miss my love. I miss my best friend.

I miss you.

I love you.

[room-10]

2/26/24

The nightmares are back.

I am writing this one with tears on my eyes. Its agony. Nothing”bad” happened in the dream. You were just so beautiful and happy.

Fuck.

[room-10]

2/25/24

I dont know why I created this. If you’ll ever read this. I dont know if this is for you. Or for myself.

Youve left. And I am starting to believe this ending is for real now. Not even a drunk New Years will bring you back. Will we stop for a moment on New Years and mourn this for years to come?

A part of me also left with you. I feel it. I know I wont be the same. And I mourn him too. I feel empty. And worst of all, voiceless.

I miss you.

And I love you.