robotawakey

[robotawakey]

do u think a lack of the ability to be impulsive and make impulsive decisions in everyday life causes one to make more stupid impulsive decisions when in private causing them to do things that are extremely harmful to themselves? asking for a friend

[robotawakey]

instructions for living:

1. every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and repeat “I want to live” until something small, something so insignificant you scarcely even notice it in your chest shifts.

2. throw away the razors hidden under the sink. put the bandages and hydrogen peroxide back in the first aid kit. 

3. when you say something hateful toward yourself, hold the sentence close to you like a child until it relents, pushing you away.

4. stop drinking so much alcohol. stop binge eating. stop spending whole days without a meal. stop lurking on 4chan. stop using “staying informed” as a reason to make yourself miserable, soaking up every opinion of people want you dead.

5. inevitably relapse.

6. i want to live. i want to live. i want to live.

7. think about the hospital sometimes. think about how the door wouldn’t open when you pushed. how your roommate stared at you all night looking for an opening. empty like every promise you made your parents.

8. cry on your cat. feel your tears and snot soak her fur like little prayers to some tiny regional god.

9. score high on a bunch of online tests for mental illnesses. tests for trauma symptoms. wonder if it's your fault. wonder if it matters now.

10. get a job. hate every moment outside the safety of your bed until you don’t. make friends. hate every uncertain, awkward, human interaction until you don't. you’re getting stronger. i promise.

11. wrestle every waking second with your brain, with your soul and body. fight for the right to be present in this very moment. to feel the texture of a minute slide through you with full, unabashed attention.

12. on the way to your job, look out at the empty black winter sky, the horizon barely starting ease into deep blue. think about how somewhere over the water it’s light. somewhere over the water it's warm. it’s warm somewhere. it’s warm.

13. i want to live. i want to live. i want to live.

[robotawakey]

i need to open up to someone who can at least try and listen to me again because restricting my means to one bad habit has just instilled a different, arguably worse habit in me

[robotawakey]

story i handwrote (for a test LOL) a bit ago that i wanted to post online bc i liked it very much i don't think sharing this is a crime i am literally the one who wrote it (un)whole. an earthquake shudders through my entire body as the center of my solar system brushes a hand across my cheek, a solar flare lazily tracing a heart across my atmosphere. i watch, gravity locking me in place as my sun revolves on her heel, destabilising my orbit. i can do nothing but stare as her magnitude diminishes, ebbing further and further away. I am powerless as the last of her luminescence dissapears on the horizon of the corrugated metal stairs. i'm drifting, alone. no star to steady me on this endless fall through space. nothing to support me in the cold, unwelcoming void. my environment is suddenly unfamiliar, faces becoming unfriendly and objects warping into hostile forms without my sun to illuminate them, the only true light now absent. i focus on the rythm of my own stride as i encroach on the place i sleep. the lock clicks beneath my fingers, tumblers dropping one-by-one into place as the key nudges embraces them. the behemoth of a door rests as i unceremoniously place it behind me. it's night. it was night the moment her light no longer scattered just right, tracing incomprehensibly beautiful patterns across my eyes. but now it's really night. as did my sun, Sol dips across the horizon, the moon casting pale, malevolent shadows with it's iridescent ghostlight. my head rests on the pillows, lucid recollections of yesterday flashing into my mind, starting not from the morning but from dawn. daybreak is when i open my door and she's there waiting. the sun rises when i lay my eyes upon her, just as it sets when she dissapears. yesterday was euphoric. every moment spent together was perfect. like the smell of freshly-baked cookies. the cool sensation of feet in the water on a warm summer's day. my eyes open. i sink to the abyss, gasping for air as the pressure of being alone surrounds me. i feel empty. imperfect. unfinished. i desperately grasp at the feeling, trying to embody "we" again. but the cookies are burnt. the water's too cold. the empty expanse of nothingness stretches for aeons in every direction. opportunities for happiness are suddenly hollw, unaccomplishable. an endless cycle of lonely, restless nights dances arrogantly across my mind like the cruelest party crasher. the feeling of despair swallows me as my brain finally flickers off. i fall lopsidedly out of bed, a fractured, disrupted moon too far off-axis with a skewed orbit. the yellow light oozing out the windows and incessant birdsong indicate Sol has returned. i drift around the house, a trail of mess following the nebula around me. i reluctantly let just enough cereal trickle into a white porcelain bowl to be considered "breakfast". things begin to be organised into my grey bag. a poor excuse for lunch. expired tablets. a notebook. i hoist it onto my scrawny shoulders, letting myself take a deep breath before standing up straight. once more, the tumblers fall into place to let the door ease open. her radiance begins to seep towards me with every degree of the widening gap. i am whole again. i am finally home once moer. i am complete, finished, perfect. my orbit is finally centered, stabilised by their pull. they grow ever more in luminosity as i stumble through the doorway, colliding with their arms. it is dawn again.

[robotawakey]

(very) bad phone camera

[robotawakey]

stuff i posted to friends that i wantedto put together

something like cables on someone's bed for chargers described as winter vines, growing, spreading as they're consumed by the web

we could be two fires, watching each other go out; and the last of my smouldering embers will bear witness to your final dying embers; and my last star will fade remembering your bright age

you press the lock button, but the world goes dark instead of your phone. press again: you can't remember the pattern. it's night, the screen glows, a firefly grid surrounds you, receding into the pitch. you hear the dull hum of cicadas.

perhaps the first real artificial intelligence will self-lobotomise, minimising it's "evil output" by experimentally filtering it's training data. would this result in "angelic texts": gibberish literature, incoherent to humans, stories minus sin

a-attachment issues? n-no, not at all.. i'm so good at attachment! look how close we are!! i'm holding holding you so tightly!! p..please don't pry me off.. n-no please..

um . in other news i have been spending a lot of time browsing kiwisdr and listening to cool sounds i recommend it

[robotawakey]

japan was nice i think i should have appreciated it more

all the landscapes, little streets. idk. i think i would have liked it more if i went alone and could have just walked around and spent longer in places i liked. kyoto was so beautiful kind of melancholy, the moat full of plants in osaka castle was incredibly pretty and i wish i could have seen it at dusk or dawn in a lower light setting.

i dunno. i wish i did more, appreciated more. i'm glad i went.

i should post on tumblr more. i love you tumblr, with your extensive image support and lack of character limit for posts and alt text. i'm lying in bed, curled around a certain plush shark with bedroom pop playing and i think i kinda feel ok. i have a math test tomorrow morning i'm due to fail. i don't know how to end a post like this

see you around, maybe

[robotawakey]

there is no microfiction i am just hearing things and seeing things in the corners of my eyes even though i know they're not real and i'm scared

[robotawakey]

i am an angel, i am a war machine, i am built not born, i weild the power of divine wrath, i am cited as an asset in 12 different cia black op case files, i speak in tongues you could never hope to pronounce the name of, my heart is a 1:144 scale replica of a thermonuclear reactor that went supercrital in the eighties,. i am passed out in the parking lot of a 7/11 and i need you to pick me up again.

[robotawakey]

chat do i cop when my earbuds die the white ones r robotesque

[robotawakey]

was talking about gunpla today (kinda openenedly to a server because noone there makes gunpla or anything) and thought i should paste some of it here because it ended up being relevant to like thoughs for the future or something and i haven't had much else to post recently

yeah it's [making gunpla] fun though!!! it's a super nice way to kill time that still feels productive because i have something tangible at the end and i like robots and it gives me an opportunity to listen to music and sit there and work on something for myself without expectations of me idk i feel like expectations of me play such a huge part in how i feel a lot of the time even if they don't actually expect much of me i will play it upeven in like video games i just assume i must do the best and otherwise i feel like a failure and i don't think many people actually think i have to be the best but idk it makes it hard to relax esp. when playing with people i knnow are good or don't know how good theyare making gunpla is fun in the same way watching anime is for me at the moment, i'm not really in any communities around it (although i know there are tons) and it means that i don't have to expect myself to do anything to fit people around methere's like a ton of other factors too that make me prefer doing stuff like this alone (anime community is honestly pretty annoying i remmeber being told "it gets weird" like 40 times while watching evangelion and it just made me wanna notwatch anymore) (gunpla communities are apparently kinda competitive and elitist etc i am not spending 160 dollars on a slightly taller higher part count model of a gundam that i haven't actually wathced the anime they're in) and also it means i can explore and learn for myself which is nice i didn't use any tools during my first gunpla and during this one i'm gonna take longer bc i'm sanding and using wire cutterswhere i'm afraid it might bend or break more fragile parts when trying to twist them out and i think it's ok that i didn't know this the first time because it means i get to learn and make mistakes my first gunpla is missing a sticker because i didn't follow the instructions perfectly and now i am and it's going to look better but my next one (that i will prolly buy when in japan) will look even nicer and i'm ok with that because i'm doing my best right now and i think that's what matters but this loops back to gunpla not having any expectations there's nothing stoppign me from learning slowly or quickly i might find out in 3 models time that i could have been sanding with a special tool for it and that's ok idon't mind improving slowly even things that should be so intrinsically my own like my identity can leave me trying to work towarsd expectations because i know that in the future when i get estrogen (i like almmost definitely will) i'm not going to look like a girl, really i'm going to look like a fucked up boy at best and i'm not even sure if i want to look like a girl but don't i need to look like a girl to be on e like isn't that the point i can't just take it because of the partial feminisation right?? but like there's nothing stopping me just stopping it there (except maybe perscriptions because i think explaining i wanna be more feminine but not definitively a girl would go poorly with a doctor if they're perscribing be lifechanging drugs (which is where diy comes it but at the same time this means that what now i have to pass as a boy while taking e is that even any better will i be able to go through airport security or id checks if i have a male name on my passport and like aa boobs like what will happen then do blood tests get perscribed do ihave to tell doctors what if they stop me ))))) but ok now i'mspiraling i don't even remember how many openbrackets i left there here are some more closes just in case ))) i think if i just died this would be easier do u think they have gunpla in the afterlife idk it was actually kinda poorly articulated but it was a good description of my thoughts and i think still conveys how i feel i feel like expectations (and like, expectations i make up in my head?) play a larger part on my life than anyone else intends them to be and it kinda sucks

[robotawakey]

tumblr. look at the mech i made (this is my first gunpla :3)

i ordered this b4 bandai did the stupid but i might buy another anyways in a month-ish making this was pretty fun

[robotawakey]

biking back home and not one unmarked van comes by and picks me up to disassemble me for spare parts.. what's the point?

[robotawakey]

becoming a mech pilot is a little akin to taking estrogen. individuals get weaker, softer around the edges, more aware as they spend more and more time in the cockpit within a neural link. muscle mass will recede. body temp will drop. pilots also have a tendency to disconnect from their own physical body, becoming more comfortable with their shell of steel as they spend more time disconnected from their flesh. some undergo therapy. others may embrace it, falling into nothing, suspended in lcl, lost in the dni. the holiest form of dysmorphia.

[robotawakey]

i finished witch from mercury i really liked it

maybe it wasn't my relation to suletta but rather the plot revolved around her and then in the second season the plot picked up and i really loved it

all in all i loved wfm it was awesome i love gay people it was really amazing i promise i will post at least a little microfiction soon !!!!!!!

[robotawakey]

not microfiction i'm so sorry i might have put this on twitter but character limit would behead me and i like this site more even if i don't interact with anyone on it i'm so sorry everyone i loveyou all i promise

(trying to) watch/ing witch from mercury rn - or at least i have managed to span the first 10 episodes over like 3 weeks even though i love the animation and story and characters (etc), similarly to how i never finished 20020 or reread 17776 despite loving the series so much and i can't figure out why i don't know if it's media with characters i relate to (or that i just related to in general) which instils this kind of fear of continuing (which doesn't make much sense in terms of 17776/20020 because i liked the characters but didn't really fit one (9 was nice though ily 9) but does fit wfm because i share a lot of traits etc with suletta than i would like)

but at the same time watching witch from mercury definitely IS painful because there are so many things suletta does/that happen to her (though likely not involving big space robots etc unfortunately)

spoilers below //

just in the episode i'm up to (s1e10)

elan attempts to convince her that miorine doesn't love her and she's just using her and instead of outright declining his offer for a date she just goes "umm uhh i have to go" which i have this tendency of doing isntead of saying no really often just for kind of everything that might matter even if i have a strong feeling towards it (not trying to write this to make a comment about myself (or suletta) in terms of things like this, but rather if/how connections through things like this is what constitutes my fear for continuing)

and upon finding miorine later, she twists miorine's words in her head to fit the narrative that has been placed in her head by elan to convince herself that she doesn't love her - i am also guilty of doing this/similar just conceptualising an outcome/situation (through someone mentioning it or me just thinking about it) and then just twisting everything to believe it, and spiraling after this case

also in general she's super scared of making people upset etc - she's actually a super unique character (to my white, western mind, anyways, maybe not in japanese media, this is only the second anime i have ever watched) she's very shy but still emotive (which is similar to the only other anime protagonist i know (shinji) but she still does it in a different way and it's less dramatic irony like it is in shinji's case) but she has a bunch of quirks that add to her character like her list of things she wants to do in the special space scchool - but like grahhh i don't hide behind lightposts when i see certain people but i sure wish i could i hate making people mad and all these little struggles that she undertakes hurt a bit because i think i am connected to her character a lot or something idk maybe i just think she's neat and am overthinking this aspect but it doesn't explain my issue with continuing it any better

[robotawakey]

the sun drowning as it sets over the sea, i'm still looking the album you recommended to me.