rhetoricalzen

[rhetoricalzen]

The problem with goals

Is that they eventually end

By completion or complacency

The problem with me

Is that I do neither

So I am forever a contradiction

Or is it a perdition

As I sit here constantly looking

A new rendition of an old remission

Just to get someplace a little bit better

A little more normality

A little less anger

A lot more contentment

Without the sacrifice of my morality

And yet

I do the exact opposite of what I intend

Each moment is another burned bridge

Another ex-friend

Another sleepless night

More medication

Less aspiration

Less alterations

Praying for some reason to end it

But nothing comes to mind

Fuck it

I'll keep floating

Until something brings me down

[rhetoricalzen]

You call it being numb. I call it self-preservation.

[rhetoricalzen]

It's like I never even left. Simple semantics just to pass the time. Tell me again that travesty that occured. Tell me again how much it hurt. Tell me again why I should care, Because it never occured to me that you of all people should throw a party to see how much change you get at the bottom of your lonely little cup.

Sing the sorrow. Sing for your supper. Sing in hopes to find Someone dumb enough to listen. That siren song. That empty smile. That same one line; Everyone knows.

[rhetoricalzen]

I sit there. Cup in hand. Heart in my throat. Anxiety peaked. Open mouth. Nothing but a squeak. Dropped cup. Spilled water. No drinking tonight. Work the next day. Everyone is staring. A few snicker. I give a half-smile and a shrug. Bend down and collect my embarrassment. The quicker picker-upper.

Next room, just the same. More pointless banter. This show sucks. This music is better. The haze of bong smoke looming. I take a rip. I cough profusely. Everyone is staring. A few snicker. I run out to get more water. A pat on the back. A thumb in the air. I'm good man. No need to care.

Back patio. Beer pong championship. Bros v Hoes. Gender equality. Old friend asks how it hangs. I wipe my eyes and give a look. Open mouth. Nothing but a squeak. More water down the hatch. Match point. Crowd goes wild. They ask if I want in. My eyes widen. I walk back inside.

I walk through the crowded room. Heart in my throat. Anxiety peaked. I look over the heads. No one I recognize. I head for the door. I hear a crash. Bottle of vodka. Party foul. I give a half-smile and a shrug. I jump in the car. She comes running out. Open mouth. It's getting late. Call me tomorrow. Ok, maybe.

[rhetoricalzen]

I am, for all intents and purposes, a horrible human being.

I lie when I should run. I run when I should cheat. I cheat when I should lie. I do all three before you realize I even did one.

I set fire to all that surrounds me When I am no longer appeased by the aethetics. I set fire to my insecurities in the form of setting fire to your own collectedness.

I reach out with a hand out Only to grab onto the next rung. If the next rung isn't stable and secure, I will quickly throw the hand out again.

I surround myself with heiroglyphic morality As if to beckon the curious mind Only to embalm and cast away it all And leave you dead and entombed.

I have my faults, just as you have your flaws We're no better or worse than one another I chronologically catalog my conquests while you carelessly cater to complacency

I am, for intents and purposes, a horrible human being; But for what it's worth, be joyous in the fact That your brief moment in the sun Is better than being forgotten altogether.

Most don't even get that sort of opportunity.

[rhetoricalzen]

I used to praise it My downtrought ways My horrible past As if it was a badge of honor I survived this And this makes me better than you Because you have no idea The horrors that I've faced But now They come back They always come back As something else Something sinister Hitting at your weakest points Making you want to succumb to it Fear from it Die from it I am now the empty shell of remorse Consistantly mourning Everything that I wanted Because I know that I'll never have it Despite the best efforts given To escape from it It follows you It feeds on you Makes you burn every bridge Hurt every friend Alienate yourself from everything And everyone I'm sorry I'm so so sorry I just wanted to be happy

[rhetoricalzen]

We all want to die faster when there's nothing to live for

[rhetoricalzen]

I see you there With your open heart And your blind eyes You're just like me I remember When you were cold And I looked over And took off my jacket for you And when you were Behind on your bills Out of work and sick I didn't hesitate to open my wallet And when you were hurt Because of what he said I sat there and listened And did what I could to comfort I see you there now With your blind heart And open eyes You were never like me You said you needed your jacket Because you were getting over A cold and couldn't afford To get sick again And be out of work Because your boyfriend Would be mad at you No no It's okay I'll walk home Alone and depressed Shivering I understand I hope you feel better soon

[rhetoricalzen]

The tower was built on hope, and hope alone.

[rhetoricalzen]

I live to see the world washed away anew. As if they're all singing the sorrow.

[rhetoricalzen]

It's not that I've woken up Another notch under my belt For beating the very thing That killed off my family Some say that I'm a survivor I say I'm still full of shit A little more bitter A little less careful But with travesty comes focus And I'm not looking to settle But only to settle the score I'll be damned if I'm going Anywhere but where I want to be Away from the weight of the world Away from the heartaches Away to find true happiness Away to find her

[rhetoricalzen]

Even in the most depressing of times, life has a way to bleed a little color back into your existence.

[rhetoricalzen]

Walking to familiar territory I come to the chasm Only to see that bridge I burned Oh so long ago I yell and scream But nobody is home I made a note I make a little airplane Of the most juvenile design It always does a loop-de-loop And Swoosh Maybe it'll get to the other side Maybe they'll read it Maybe they'll forgive My transgressions My regret Or maybe they'll just fix My little airplane And send it back With a note saying That this is how you fix The loop-de-loop

[rhetoricalzen]

It's in each little light that I suspend a secret. Just to hope you find me out.

[rhetoricalzen]

I am not I like to pretend Lose myself in the creation Of fiction Make up a story And play the part Until I get bored with it And like scrap paper I throw it away Until the urge comes To get back to the drawing board I am not I hate what makes you happy I love what makes you sad I thrive on the the bitterness That only cold can offer I'll go barefoot in the snow Just to feel something worthwhile While the rain surrounds me And makes me smile I am not I make a few friends along the way And years later They seem to disappear From fairweathers to forevers It's the nature of it all And there are those that I wish Never left But on I walk With or without I am not It took me years To finally accept That I am the emotional wreck I will be constantly coming to terms And figuring out that despite the cards dealt That I'm doing the fucking best I can With what I can I don't even try to bluff I am not Going to be nothing Other than me The cynic The hopeful The bleeding heart The asshole Defense mechanisms Offensive words The liberal hippie The war machine I am constantly coming to terms To not giving a damn what you think

[rhetoricalzen]

Here lies the epitome of my heart. Fear and hope clash, while surrounded by the coldness of my past. Here lies my dream.

[rhetoricalzen]

Sometimes I wish for mass genocide On the grandest of scales Another world war No more television No more mail No more traffic On my way to work No more bills No more worries I can spend all day Staying in bed Beside you