retrorealeyes

[retrorealeyes]

what I really like about all these vintage couple’s portraits is that there is a very certain romatic decorum kept up – certain themes and poses – which, while of course being the mainstream preferred view of couples repeated throughout many studios, are just… so nice to look at. 

this staged affection, a mix of theatricality and intimacy, the couple holding still for a couple of moments and now immortalised in a very set sequence of embraces and kisses. there is a charm to it even when I can’t tell whether this was a genuine couple portait or just actors hired by the photographer.

the kiss on the bare shoulder (eyes perfectly averted), the cheek caress, the piano and the violin, the interrupted embrace, the woman tilted back as in a half-stopped dance…

[retrorealeyes]

akjsdhaks I love this so much for some reason anyway carla is cool, stan carla

warmups turned into a carla doodle

my tablets bein weird so i probs aint gonna finish this

[retrorealeyes]

fomo, oct 30, tumblr

[wow ig that was a really bad day lol]

I already missed out

:D

now i have to catch up

and that’s even worse

i am beyond shitty

i need lists lists lists lists

but i don’t have time time time

cries in social anxiety even over online but this is okay because literally no one has interacted

cries harder while literally has a heartattack for no reason

++ tempted to hit them with that “sjkfdkafkdl I’m sorry��� but y'all know how redditor discord guy types aren’t all that into that keysmashing. On the other hand he’s a nonfurry UwU user so idk

++ Just be myself or hide EVERY FUCKING MINITURE IRRELEVANT ASPECT OF MYSELF

++ that is REALLY the questions, huh?

++ listening to lofi POSTED BY HIM which i missed out on because wtf i hate myself while i scroll tumblr so i don’t sjfdfkhdg

++ PAnic really FUCKING SUCKS huh

++ my greatest fear is osmetimes google reverse image search even though no one ever is nosyenough to yuse it

++ FUKCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK FUCKING FCUK IT WHY AM I SO YANDERE I SHOUDL JUST GO KMS AM I REALLY FIGHTING VOER A GUY WITH A GIRL??? NO BECAUSE I’M TO NONCONFRONTATIONAL AND I DON'TDESERVE HIS– ANYONE’S ATTENTION ANYWAY

++ FUCKFUFCKCKFUFUKKCUFKCKCC

++ I lvoe jumping to conclusions :) /s

++ NOPE I DON’T HAVE THE WILL

++ yes you do what do you have apaart from will

++ SORRY I WILL

[retrorealeyes]

--, oct 30, tumblr

fuck my mom and fuck me not eating all day. i’m hungry ok ++ gonna have to go down because i can’t focus because i’m so hungry but,u uh, if i still have my laptop i’ll report back what happened hopefully it’s just SEVERE ANXIETY but there’s the nice possibility of CONFRONTATION. but i have to eat at this point ++ for reference it’s 1:45 a.m. and I haven’t eaten all day after waking up at 7 a.m. ++ AND THERE’S NOBODY DOWNSTAIRS (except my mom which gives here a chance to confront me) BUT I HAVE NO WILL TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT FOOD SO FUCK IT ++ ok, well i got to eat, i’m fine, there was a confrontation but some how id idn’t severely panic AND I remembered my strategies and was able ot get her off my ass

[retrorealeyes]

from twitter acc2, Jan 27

fuck me I wish I could just fucking live my life instead I'm lying and avoiding something the mfer I am and I have a fuvking kinda bf but I can't even bother to text him because I'm AFRAID OF EVERYING my stomach hurts because li ate too much. I used to be skinny like 20th percentile skinny, 90 percentile tall, so I would legitimately feel more comfortable on my body if I could STOO FUCKING EATING my family hates me for that too lololol I fucking failed last semeste. I guess I suffered from gifted kid burnout and shit but also some weird aversion real life itself and authority and yeah. I'm just so anxious about fucking everything. even talking to my parents stresses me out and so I stay inybroom all the time because I get physically tired from being around them. and I basically and a tumblr blog w/all this but maybe I'm lazy and like the twitter format better since I don't have to type it all out and because twitter is easier on the phone, and tumblr on the computer which my parents have taken away because of aforementioned failing of classes. sometimes I think I should die but I'm pretty sure 'm not depressed because sometimes I'm happy and I still enjoy reading books, usually, and I WAS depressed I thinks or a month 11 months ago and idk if I'm making that up/not remembering that right because ei have scott pilgrim shitty as memory anyway I'm a bad person on every sorry and I'm not gonna bother explaining the aspects, that's just too extra what ever FUCK WORDS and I'm trying to get better, it'll probably mostly be spam, but let's see yknow?

[retrorealeyes]

plan for the next 5h

hey! I’m “back” I’m going to unload a bunch of my twitter things onto here,maybe change my layout a bit, work on my carrd/linktree, make a quiz, then maybe rant, go on a walk, contact a few friends, then do some art things + pe things then Nihongo things 

[retrorealeyes]

SCREAMS

I am so angry for no reason I really want to punch omeone but I neer would maybe I want to punch myself. Mess myself up. I want to be too tired to exist. When I starved myself for a couple days I kept getting sleepy adn I could avoid the world and it was so nice. I used to want to be immortal, to neber have to sleep. Imagine that. Now I avoid everything in anyway I can. I MUST SCREAM BUT I HAVE NO MOUTH. I mean, that's what life feels like at thi spoint. I think I need to cry but I can't, I jsut want to screa but someone would hear me adn I don't want to oncern/bother them or get them mad at me

[retrorealeyes]

Another Anger on Parents Post

I HATE MY PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH I WISH THEY WOULD FUCKING DIE THEY RUIN EVERYDAY FOR ME, STINK, NEVER RESPECT MY WISHES OR LISTEN AND I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH. every interaction with them i come out of feeling worse and instead of listening and supporting me they're like constant obstacles in my path, that i have to dodge with every step, Sisyphus’s stone I have to roll uphill all the time, while at the same time struggling with 10 other boulders. OH MY FUCKING GOD oh. my. fuck. ing. god. I HATE THEM SO FUUUUUUCKING MUCH

[retrorealeyes]

ok ok I made twitter my emotional dependency website for a bit because ajsdfhjdfk (i was back) but I think that was a bad idea because people actually know me there and give me attention and there’s an endless scroll, so I think i’ll just link them to each other or sumn through my carrd and I’ll use this for emotional dependence, especially after I’ve sorted my tabs :)

[retrorealeyes]

fYup he 100% hates me now :)

And I just want to be with him so bad

I am going to right a hurt/comfort fic baout us one day because that is my definition of romance.

Everytime I get a ping from discord i get sad when it’s not him.

Like my parents are being awful but he’s told me I can come over any time. Os it’s dark and rainy and I’m running out of the hosue grabbing my bike, crying and reralizing i”m biking to his house. So halfway there, I mount off my bike, still half crying, hands shaking and call him. He’s like “yeah, yeah come voer, we can talk about it” and can tell I’m down but we don’t talk much. I park my bike in his driveway and he leads me onto the covered patio and has we shiver and I say, “I don’t really want to tlak abotu it” And we sort of dance around my parents ebing awful, then he invites me inside. And I say, “my parents would get mad if I was gone for too long, I was only gonna stay for 5 minutes” and “Won’t your parents mind?” and he reassures me they won’t. They don’t realize I was crying and exclaim on how soaked i am, and get him to get me a towel for my hair. And I refuse their food (they’re eating dinner now, they were setting up) but he goes and gets me some Hibiscus tea to drink. It’s a small dinner so I make small tlak, “It’s been raining a lot recently, well, isn’t it always” “yeah, uh I was passing through the neighborood, I hoep I’m not intruding” and they’re really nice. It finishes and he asks me stay for a bit more. I don’t really think my parents will get too angry (more than they already are) when I come back, plus I want to avoid them, so I say, “Yeah just 10 mor eminutes though. I don’t want to bother you” and he says “of course you’re not bothering me, I want you ehre” his parents smile at each other. He closes the door and we sit on his bed and I start crying again about how i’m worthless, though i don’t say that out loud. I bury my face in his chest and remind myself that I’ve got HIM. At least I’ve worht this, worth his love. He kisses me and asks “I mean, if you want.” (to be continued, I should do my homeowrk, but it has an ending, trust me)

[retrorealeyes]

I am literally so tired. I am so done with everything. I mean it's my own fault but I am so unmotivated. I feel this box around me adnd I want to get out and I was always there but sometimes I could pretend I wasn't i am so done i just want teh school day to end so i can bike away

[retrorealeyes]

someone: what do you mean by--

me: fucking exits the conversation and panics

[retrorealeyes]

do you want to break up?

you want to break up with me, right?

you’re bored and done with me, right?

oh other people don’t switch up their emotions towards me as quickly as i do? how strange.

[retrorealeyes]

relating to "dumbbitchitis" but it's because of insecurity and not rooted in reality.

[retrorealeyes]

he chats with me

he saw me as a male first (and then basically called me “sexually ambiguous” ANDROGYNOUS GOALS AMIRITE??)

he hates gender roles

he gave me a nickname and i am literally in love with him whenever he uses it

aaaaaahhh

he literally boosted my ego in 50 different ways today

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

i am so

in love

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

I get why people make love songs so often now

(11/11/20; 1:43am)

[retrorealeyes]

“Hey, I’m sorry I left replying midconversation I just had a random bout of anxiety adn ifgnored it ebcause it gave me anxiety and i’m actually so fucking sorry why the fuck did i do that, goodnight“ -sincerely me

[retrorealeyes]

remember, it’s not, it’s NEVER their fault your anxiety is going up. It’s outside factors, and it’s you. So control it. And don’t be fucking needy. Acknowledging really makes it calm down, huh?

Ok, so plan: 1) Water, BR (teeth), Change (watch, jacket, handkerchief, yellow shendi for maybe) (by 2:20) [guys I lied, we’re switching running to Frankenstein, and starting reading +getting ready rn] 2) Run (BEFORE 3:00) 3) Calmly gather yourself. Also mute discord. 3) aksjdhdkfds THERAPY FUCKING DIE (3 start) 4) (start ~4) read Frankenstein 5) (start ~5:30) Kanji 6) (6:30) PPT (i didn’t finish this but know I started this @ 2:08 and rn it’s 4:26)