remembertheplunge

[remembertheplunge]

2007 Murder Trial

October 1, 2007 journal entry in a new journal notebook

The journal begins it’s 31st year.

Jim went to bed at 9pm or so.

I was excited about the trial beginning until I got to court and the client was being difficult. He was charged with killing his wife. Her body was found between the back fence of a motel and a canal bank maybe a quarter mile from our house. The body had been there for about a week before being discovered, so there were issues with time of death. Was my client even in the area at the time his wife died? 

October 2, 2007.  5:47pm

Oh my God. Jury picked  One day!  Stress. FULL!

The client was in a much better mood today and worked with me. Thank God.

I’m exhausted! Wow! My brain needs a break.

8;24 pm

Jim’s being a grump.

I just don’t feel like trialing, my brain is on break.

Trial is tuff.

You’re stuck. Trapped. Vulnerable.

But, it’s interesting. Fun.

Thursday. 10/4/2007. 9:48pm

Got beat up a little by the judge  re: E mail. I’m not proficient with it. Oh well. I’m just a 70’s man..One of the experts I hired to assist in the defense of our case complained about the same thing “You have got to use e mails”.

10/5/2007. 8:19pm

Thank God. 3 days off.

Trial is hard work.

Gruleing

Intense.

9:38pm Jim heads to bed.

It’s amazing how intense trial is. Huge pressure.

10/8/2007. Monday. 9:14pm

Today went well. Best part was, I saw the client. He was happy. I’m getting ready for the closing argument.

I think at this point, the less said, the better in the case. Make your points, or try to, and move on.. Main thing tomorrow: have fun. Concentrate. Le-go. (Let go)

I think that you’ve given it your best shot. You tried.

10/11/2007.  7:31pm

Well. Guess what. I’m the biggest loser. God. All that for the big public hope dashing. Loss (The jury convicted my client of murder)

I love the information, though.

Beyond the emotion is the information.

I actually asked jurors “ How do you think I did?” “What did you think of the case?”

What I learned , I shouldn’t have made an opening statement. 

Sometimes I think that this is pretty lonely work.

Just me and b.

End of entry

Notes:

“B”  was my nick name for my partner Jim. It was short for Honey Bunny. We called each other “b”. Jim and I were together from 1997 until his death from liver failure in 2009. He helped me investigate the above murder case. We walked from our house down to the canal bank where the client’s wife’s body was found to check out the scene.. Jim and I discussed trial tactics. He was in court when the verdict was read.  He lived the experience to a degree just like I did. 

The information I got from the trial experience include trial technique, expert contacts and apparently, in this case, introduction tp e mails in a case! Apparently, e mail s were new to me in Octiober 2007 and I was not to interested in communicating that way. But, the new world of e mails was calling and it was time to jump in. Now I am flooded with e mails. Wish we could return to phone calls and letters. A simpler, quieter life.

#Criminal defense #murder trial defense #impact of trial on defense attorney #trial tactics #gay relationship and defense work #gay relationship nick names #10/1/2007 #advent of e mails #resisting e mailing

[remembertheplunge]

My sister Zoe did this painting. The angel is a self portrait. The white house in the painting is of my Dad’s parent’s house in Lincoln, Nebraska. I recently posted a painting I did of the house in 1983.

#4/27/24 #sister and brother #my sister was a talented artist #she did paintings and drawings and other wise lived creatively. #she died in 2023.

[remembertheplunge]

In the 2017 movie "A Ghost Story", a man dies and returns to the house in which he and his wife lived. They appeared to be in their 30s. In one scene after his death, he watches as a white sheeted ghost as a real estate agent shows he and his wife the house for the first time.

I have thought about that scene many times in regard to the first time my partner Jim and I saw our house in 1998 in Modesto, California. We had looked at many homes prior to this one. But, for some reason, this one was different.

He was signing the papers to buy it on the trunk of our neighbor's car within a few hours . The neighbor was a realtor and agreed to do the sale paper work. We were buy ing the house from the owner. This is the house that Jim would die in in 2009. ( he died of liver failure in a hospital bed in the living room).

Was Jim standing at the front door draped in a white sheet when we first stepped foot in the house like the couple and the man's ghost in the movie?

I highly recommend you watch the movie "A Ghost Story".

It is the tale of a ghost dealing with his life's unfinished business. He has an incredible journey through the past, present and future. His soul is bound not to family, but to the place. to the land. To the house.

So. If ghosts only exist because they have unfinished business, what is it like to live in a world where everyone can see ghosts... and what if you have a loved one die and not be able to see their ghost?

If they... moved on?

Imagine your mom does and you can't see her. You're happy that she's moved on, but who isn't she there? Wouldn't her unfinished business be her family? You?

#A Ghost Story #a ghost and unfinished business #my Partner Jim and the house he had to buy #The house he will die in #The house I still live in #4/26/2024 #being bound to the land

[remembertheplunge]

Walking through an ugly urban parking lot a few years ago headed for a Best Buy store in Sacramento, I decided that the antidote to the ugliness was to be the beauty in the parking lot.

Today, atop the ugly parking structure in downtown Modesto, a future bride and groom and friends use the stiff April breeze to show us how it’s done!

#be the beauty in the parking lot. #scene on the top level of a parking garage in down town Modesto #Ca #on my return from court this afternoon. #4/26/2024 #photography

[remembertheplunge]

The sacred sign. signing off

Wednesday. 11/9/2005. 11:12am Southern,California

Moving session at the kitchen bar  in John and Ruth’s house in preparation for Ruth’s funeral tomorrow. ….

Cory read his eulogy for Ruth Ann.

Jeff played his songs including “The Way We Were”

Peg showed her family pictures.

Lisa showed me the computer (you tube)

Johnny showed us where Ruth’s hospital bed had been.

Odd, being here, ready to sleep on Ruth’s red fold out couch, and,

no Ruth.

Lisa told Peg “take it slow this am. Ease into it (the 11am service for Ruth Ann)

3:38pm

Well, home (Ruth and John’s home)

The “Funeral went great”

11/11/2005. 7:09am

 The gang rolled in (to John and Ruth’s house) with 10 or so floral arrangements from Ruth’s funeral and chatter and kids last night. John had hoped for a quiet evening. 

Regarding the funeral, Tim said he wanted to rush from the funeral and put on his shorts. Jeff and Lisa arrived late to the funeral after a morning power failure. He felt like his suit was suffocating him.

Jim said it was the best service he’d ever been to.

I think that Ruth Ann was there with us laughing and crying through the whole thing!

Seeing her sons, last night, at John’s signing the guest book. The sacred sign: signing off.

End of entry

Notes:

4/24/2024

Ruth Ann was my partner Jim’s cousin. She and her husband John were very close to Jim. I met them in 1997 shortly after Jim and I got together. Ruth and John’s adult daughter had been killed by a drunk driver in 1982. Ruth had gotten involved with Mothers against Drunk Drivers after that and as a result, did not think very highly of public defenders who represented drunk drivers. So when she found out that Jim and fallen involve with me, a public defender, she and John had to drive up to Modesto from their home in Southern California to check me out. And, when they did, we almost instantly became great friends.

Ruth had been diagnosed with vaginal cancer in 1994. She died from it on 11/2/2005 in her Southern California home..

Jeff was her son. Lisa was his wife. Peggy was her cousin from Indiana.

When Lisa showed me you tube in the above entry, it was the first time I’d ever seen it or heard of it!   

#journaling #writing #gay #gay history #gay relationship #death of a friend #funeral aftermath #first time seeing YouTube 2005 #Mothers Against Drunk Driving #public defender

[remembertheplunge]

"it's a product of the dialectic between the efforts the artist and the friction of the medium. You push on the thing, and the thing pushes back on you, it has its own voice".

I took this from the revolutionary girl style post above and I love it.

As a criminal law attorney, I like to say that my cases take on a life of their own. I tell my new clients that their case will be a very human experience, meaning go with what wants to happen in the case. Flow with all of the dynamics of the case.

#4/24/24 #a criminal case defense takes on a life of it's own #an artistic project takes on a voice of it's own.

[remembertheplunge]

Unintended these would post upside down and sideways, these are from a photo of Comet Hale Bopp flying over Stonehenge in England on April 15, 1997.

I bought the photo from an antique store in Paradise California. The store survived the 2018 fire that burned down most of the city. The images of the hands in the photos appeared by accident. They are of my hands as I took the shots. But, they seem to fit in with the wonder of the event.

#Comet Hale Bopp #Stonehenge #Paradise California #photography #4/23/2024 #4/15/1997 #2018 Paradise California fire

[remembertheplunge]

self employed, self unemployed. it's all play

“Western morality tends to put all better things up high and worse things down low.”  From the book "The Soul’s Code”

Monday 2/4/2008 1:15pm

Arturo died 14 years ago today. I’m alone with it. So.sigh.ety won’t hear. Tough cold. A good thing— It’s mine to cherish!

6:30pm

Well, interesting day. Kinda slow, lazy. Arturo’s day Just couldn’t “motion”. (Motion to with draw a plea for a client) Just didn’t feel like it. Oh well! Self Employed. Self Un-employed. It’s all play! I think for Arturo day that I did enough.

“And, when Is there time to remember, to sift, to weigh, to estimate, to total?”

Tillie Olsen:  quoted in the book “Women Who Do Too Much” on the February 3 page

End of entry

Notes. 4/19/2024

Arturo was my Stanislaus County Aids Project (SCAP) match who died February 4, 1994 from Aids. As a SCAP volunteer, I helped Arturo through his illness and was with him at his death. 

I was a deputy public defender for Stanislaus county in 1994 and was preparing to write2 a motion to withdraw a plea for a client in the above entry.  

#Aids #Volunteering support through illness and death with person with Aids #delaying work to remember the loss of a friend #Women Who Do Too Much #Tillie Olsen #The Soul's Code #Alone with the grief post death of a friend #2/4/2008

[remembertheplunge]

#a painting I did of my father’s parent’s house. #I painted it in 1983 #it was built I. 1926 in Lincoln #Nebraska.

[remembertheplunge]

I was born in Lincoln, Nebraska in 1955. I was at least 3rd generation Lincoln, Nebraskan. My great grandfather Wentz formed Wentz Plumbing and Heating which is still in the family and a going concern in Lincoln. The family owns property there which business have been built on and which generates income that was to be shared by Wentz family heirs. When I told my father that I was gay in the 1990's, he said "Don't let Nebraska know." I let everyone know. Maybe my Dad was right, because eventually I was disinherited and locked out of the Wentz family estate.

In 2013, the movie Nebraska came out. It was shot in part in Lincoln. It stared Bruce Dern and I felt like it was produced just for me. Right down to the scene where family members were arguing over an estate. I think that my parents may have moved to California in 1959 to escape the oppressiveness of life in Nebraska.

Aerial images of Nebraska, 1972

Photographs by Charles O'Rear

#Nebraska #The movie Nebraska #Don't let Nebraska know you are gay. #Telling everyone you are gay and rolling with the consequences #Thank God my parents moved to California when I was 4 #coming out as possible part of the reason I was disinherited

[remembertheplunge]

Photo is of my partner Jim at the Modesto farmer’s market in 2008.

#foodies #Modesto Bee 5/14/2008 #Jim was a gourmet cook #a true foodie #Jim loved to go shop at the farmer’s market #Jim and I were together from 1997 until his death in 2009z #gay relationship #gay #farmer’s market

[remembertheplunge]

Yes!

young artist posting your work online, heed my warning. im holding your face so gently in my hands, you have to stop caring about numbers right now and start caring about making the weirdest and most self-indulgent art you possibly can

#Walk in arrival #You are already there #just let what wants to happen happen #4/21/24

[remembertheplunge]

#Author Nick Oliveri #I met him at his book signing event today #Barnes and Noble Modest Ca #I bought his books The Conjurer and The Last Conjure #he writes about the power of story #l totally agree. story can take on a life of it’s own. #4/20/2024

[remembertheplunge]

Your soul snags on the barbwire.

I’m here in the long, wide beige Stanislaus County Detention Center (Jail) lobby. I'm here to see an inmate client in the jail.

The Detention center is located in the country outside of Modesto, California.

I’ve checked in with the clerk through a window at the Western end of the lobby. 20 feet away is the entrance door to the jail. The jail lobby is about 150 feet long, 50 feet wide with high ceilings. At the Eastern end are three kiosk desks for family video visits with inmates. Two sets of maybe 10 hard plastic chair are located along the northern glass wall of the lobby.

Seated in the row of chairs close to the jail entrance door is a Mexican family. They happily chatter in their native tounge. I had checked in on arrival and was waiting for a guard to appear at the entrance door to let me in to visit with a client. It is about 1:45pm today, April 20, 2024 Saturday.

We wait.

We are in the human zoo’s lobby. It’s a zoo in which only the zoo guards regularly see “the animals”.

Do zoo animals feel “caged”?

Why cage the human animal?

Is it from Puritan times? To give them time to think about what they did?

Is it a societal band-aid meant to keep them off the street or to appease the outside populace? In most cases, it’s a temporary fix. The animal will be released.

But, the fix alters the animal’s life. He  sometimes comes out branded “felon’. He is shunned by his fellows. He is on a leash off probation or parol. It’d difficult therefore for him to find work.

A guard opens the jail entrance door and says “Jose”. The middle aged hispanic man in the white shirt who’d been sitting with the family stands, as does the family, children and a woman. The surround the man, then walk with him to the door. The door closes, he’s gone, probably to begin serving a jail sentence. The rest of the family leaves. The woman’s eyes well up.

Soon another woman, this time white in her 30’s probably, enters the lobby and goes up to the check in window. The woman said “I’m here for a visit (with an inmate). The clerk said "You didn’t receive the e mail that all visits were canceled due to a jail lock down?" The woman says “All right”. She leaves in frustration, eyes glistening with tears.

Now two women sit at one of the visiting kiosk desks. They are also hispanic. One older, one younger, maybe in her 30’s. They are largely silent waiting for the visit too begin.

The long beige lobby again is silent.

Outside, the April air is warm and sweet. It’s inviting. Rebuffed by the lobby, the outside day might as well be on another planet. It has no relevance here.

I have visited clients in this jail many times over the years. And, for many years before that in the old downtown jail. Once you visit the human zoo, part of you remains there.Your soul snags in the barbed wire atop the jail walls.

Sill waiting to see my client

The woman at the kiosk finally connect with a man on their video screen. I get a glimpse of him. He’s a 20 something hispanic male. 

The younger woman, who speaks in English (the older woman spoke to him in Spanish)  The younger woman asked him “How are you doing? Send Mom some of your drawings. Have you bought your things for the week? (from the jail commissary) Angel’s birthday is on Thursday. I can watch you on you tube when you go to court.  She asked him if he had anything planned when he got out? She could make a resume for him for Tesla. Fed X pays good. It would be something for you to come out and look forward to.. “You should go to school. Like David. Learn how to drive semi trucks. Explore the states. Get out of here. Do something new, you and your girlfriend. Different vibes. We’re here for you. Whatever you need. Just keep your head up."

I’m still waiting.

I can talk with my client in Court on Monday. Maybe I came here to touch base with the lobby—to visit the part of my soul which is forever snagged out here.

I return to the window, return the jail ID badge the clerk had given me on arrival, and go out into the April day.

#the impact of incarceration on inmates and their families' #Jail visits snag a part of my soul #4/20/2024 #incarcerated clients #criminal defense work #visiting jail inmates #words of encouragement to jail inmates #Morally supporting jail inmates

[remembertheplunge]

"I wish I knew how to quit you" "We didn't completely understand what we were getting involved in". Brokeback Mountain's soul questions are any life's soul questions. It's what I struggle and dance with in my journal and blogging.

#Brokeback mountain #the struggle and dance of journaling and blogging #4/20/2024

[remembertheplunge]

I like these studies of solitude. I just posted photos I took in Modesto and in Manteca California in which I was juxtaposing the ugliness of urban sprawl with the beauty of the sky scape. Don't let the ugliness overwhelm the beauty.

Adventures in solitude, Mario Pucic

#studies of ugliness and beauty 4/19/24

[remembertheplunge]

#studies of ugliness and beauty