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regoregitates · 3 years

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i think im misunderstood. i dont understand myself and im adamant nobody else can fathom out the way i am and why ive always done the things i do. ive been like this for a significant amount of months. i think im lost?

well im sure i am as i dont know what my future will look like. i keep doing things that i know trigger my manic episodes. i feel too much, perhaps if there was a switch i was able to control i wouldnt feel so misunderstood because id be in control entirely. or maybe its not even about control?

either way im very depressed right now, i no longer enjoy the things i used to all because everything was so sudden, being absent of a person isnt that big of a deal generally but somehow it is for me, it’s never been like this before and the whole atmosphere is scary. being absent of someone you clearly depended on a hell of a lot is something ive never truly experienced to its full capacity, im not really sure what dependency is? i never knew what i expected of them, i wanted the bare minimum and i didnt receive that, and thats okay. i shouldnt be hard to love however my trauma has made me this way, they kinda got rid of the reminder for me. it was something i didnt have to worry about because he made me safe. i wonder if he truly feels happy, as harsh as ive been towards him - i hope he is. i think?

i talk about him too much for who he truly is, im proud of him. im proud of him for being sensible when i really am not, im childish because im sick. i know im exceptionally ill mentally due to all of my unresolved trauma, i was 9 and now im 15. my therapist mentioned to me that perhaps im still mentally the age of 9 because i was never able to come to terms at the time so its still impacting my emotions.

i feel like a very lonely person purely because of the things that have happened to me and all of my unsuccessful relationships ive been a part of, ive never truly reflected on them. simply just moved on to the next because i thought it benefitted me. i think thats why i freaked out at him when i realised he didnt even consider waiting. it probably is. at the end of the day being as unloved as i have been throughout my childhood i think love just is not for me now.

i want to be a good person to people but i think everytime i try to be ‘loving’ it turns into a very toxic and inherently sickening act of limerence. i wonder if ive truly ever known what love is without the infatuation i face? im still very young and supposedly have my ‘whole life ahead of me’ however im not sure if i want to live that life if i cant even love someone. from a really young age ive always wanted to be loved, ive wanted to provide for someone and make their life worth living and perhaps with him, just like all of the others, i inevitably tried too hard.

my hope and selflessness would probably be my demise if i was in a really shitty low-budget movie idk that sounds cliche... regardless of my mental health i want to love but i dont think im going to learn that for a long time, which upsets me.

i miss the person i used to be before all of this happened, its so ironic how me and my friends would say i was the only ‘mentally stable’ one yet i cant even stay clean for more than two days. its been such a long year so far, i want a lot of things to end. im incredibly drained and exhausted to the point where i struggle to feel empathy for anyone that isnt myself or him. i cannot blame anyone but myself for the way i havent been able to let go.

i miss him and the way he spoke, he was so intellectual and understanding of how i felt, he spent a very long time trying to stop my consistent paranoia and the constant feeling of being ‘scared’. i was scared because i didnt want to lose him. the honeymoon phase is undoubtedly intoxicating and i think it ended for him before it ended for me. i appreciate him so much even if i treat him with upmost disrespect. they are such a beautiful soul and i wish i didnt take it for granted. i wish i saw through the times that they were happy just for my benefit. its cliche to say but i wouldve done so many things different if i was able to go back now, i regret so much but i cannot regret the person he is. he truly was like a dream and i wish i never woke up from that.

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regoregitates · 3 years

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