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Flag shortage predicted as people rush to put Union Jacks in their Zoom backgrounds
Flag shortage predicted as people rush to put Union Jacks in their Zoom backgroundsExperts warned this week of a shortage of Union Jack flags as panic buying by MPs and other business people continued.
Inspired by the image of key Government ministers having a Union Jack in the background when having Zoom calls, people have been rushing to buy them as they seek to add that wow factor to their work and other 'serious' meetings.
A flag in the background makes you important
"Having a flag shows you are important and believe in the UK", said John Puddledick, an aspiring business leader. "It adds gravitas and a seriousness to any meeting. Far better than the underwear we used to see behind people at the beginning of lockdown."
As he folded his socks John explained, "It also gives me something to do. The raising, lowering and accompanying national anthem passes many a happy hour. It reminds me of my childhood days, when I used to do it at school. "
Another leader, sporting a Priti Patel haircut explained further.
"Obviously if I'm having a call in the evening over a glass of wine with friends, I take the flag down." said Debbie. "However I make sure it's back up for 8am the next morning as I start my important day. Someone did point out the other day I had hung it upside down, but I think they were having a laugh. How can you hang a flag upside down?"
The flags, which are largely made in China, are currently difficult to source.
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Remember that special holiday? Possibly not. What are false memories and how can you make the best of them?
Remember that special holiday? Possibly not. What are false memories and how can you make the best of them?I have some special memories. Admittedly as time passes they're becoming a bit fuzzy around the edges, but to me they're special all the same. Some great holidays, parties and meals out (with sticky menus). However they may not be all they appear (in my head). And in some instances they may be completely false memories.
The question is, does it matter and how can you leverage this brain quirk?
That holiday memory might not be strictly true
As I get (a bit) older, I find myself struggling to remember names, things I need to do or where I put things. Some memories seem to linger longer, and be more complete. Some trips I've made I can remember with almost graphic detail. Or so I believe. In all likelihood large parts of these "videos" are false memories.
You may think you're remembering what happened but in fact you're recreating a story from fragments of memories, ideas and things you've been read or told. Your brain is knitting these fragments together to make a coherent story, but it means that as time passes it's filling the gaps more and more with its own creative interpretation of what happened. It's not what actually took place.
Did we actually go to a pub? False memories distort the truth
False memories are a sign of your brain's creativity
It's similar to when people partially lose their sight through macular degeneration. The central vision no longer works effectively, so the brain superimposes images to fill that central gap.
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Marvin the Paranoid Android describes midlife issues perfectly. Read how, and what you can do differently
Marvin the Paranoid Android describes midlife issues perfectly. Read how, and what you can do differently“Funny,” Marvin intoned funereally, “how just when you think life can’t possibly get any worse it suddenly does.” It was almost as if he predicted 2020 and the Coronavirus lockdown.
Marvin the Paranoid Android is a character from Douglas Adams' Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I remember him on TV the first time around in 1981, before the remake of the film in the 2000s when Warwick Davies was inside the costume and Alan Rickman gave voice to his miserableness.
The original Marvin
With his Genuine People Personality (GPP) software, Marvin may be a robot but he also has feelings and a (miserable) personality ("I didn't ask to be made") . Brilliant in his own mind, but forced to perform menial tasks for others, Marvin's frustrations with his life touch a nerve.
Although my life will be infinitesimally short compared to his (he was several times older than the universe itself), and my brain isn't the size of a planet like Marvin's, I can see where he was coming from sometimes.
The challenge for all of us is to ensure we don't become Marvins and only enjoy ourselves once it's too late (we'll get to his moment of happiness in a bit).
His programming made him a robot with regrets about his younger years, although it's never clear what really would have made him happy. "The first ten million years were the worst, and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline."
Apparently
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Can I skip giving cards and presents this year and just post a Christmas message on social media, or is that rude?
Being in lockdown means I'm unlikely to see many of my friends over the Christmas period. I usually buy them a small gift and get them card. However this year do you think it's OK just to send a generic Christmas message on social media? Maybe a short video? It would save me both time and money, and I won't be there to see the disappointment on their faces.
Ask for advice from an agony uncle, our very own Marvin
Marvin's answer:
I can see your dilemma. Due to lockdown you've grown a bit lazy and can't be bothered will all the faff of shopping and writing cards. Netflix can't watch itself. And that single Christmas message on social media would reach so many people, so quickly.. It must be tempting.
However I wonder how many of your friends are actually active on social media (or even active if you're reached a certain age). Sending a generic message will leave some in tumbleweed town, waiting for that special message of goodwill to arrive.
The annual Christmas newsletter will need to be more creative this year
This is especially true for those people who have spent time crafting witty remarks inside their Christmas cards or producing a round-robin newsletter of this year's antics. They'll be expecting a return on the time they've spent and you opting out will leave them feeling short-changed.
Christmas cards - some people spend a long time writing them
That said, it will be interesting to see how these newsletters come out this year. "Yes we had a great year binge-wat
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Zwift for Middle Aged Men in Garages. Could it get more exciting?
You're hot, you're sweaty, and you're doing it with friends. Could life get more exciting? What does that make you think of? If it's Zwift for middle aged men then I'm with you.
It came about as I had been sat down for so long working from home that I needed to find some way of clearing my head and straightening my body. My trousers were tight, My shoulders were hunched and my hip was giving me gyp.
I decided I needed to exercise and being no fan of Joe Wicks, I got myself a turbo trainer.
I have already described how I ended up liking Zwift and Brussels , but now it's been a few months I thought it was time for an update (on Zwift that is).
The Set Up
So to recap, my set up is:
Road bike attached to an Elite Suito (smart) turbo trainer (back wheel removed)iPad to run Zwift app, attached to an old TV Bluetooth speaker for motivational music, like John Denver's Country RoadsPhone to run the Zwift companion appWater and towel
The companion app allows you to join races, wave at other riders and generally control what's going on with the Zwift game app. You don't actually need it, but it makes life easier. It's a bit like signing up on Zwiftpower.com - also not strictly necessary but beneficial if you want to join races and check on your stats, progress and buddies (more on that later).
This set up seems to do me just fine. I don't don the full lycra, but I do clip in, wear shorts, and a jacket until it gets too warm. I draw the line at wearing my helmet, but given the a
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Father Christmas is fat, grey and old. I'm exactly the same, and yet no one wants me in their house at Christmas. What can I do?
Everyone loves Father Christmas. People invite him into their houses with offers of mince pies and wine, think he's cute and in some instances sit on his lap. I look very similar, and yet people think I'm an old tramp, drink too much, and am best avoided this time of year. How can I make myself as popular as he is?
Marvin's answer: Well, for a start don't forget Father Christmas comes bearing gifts, for the hosts and their children. Turning up at someone's house with a bottle of wine that only you drink doesn't really make count.
Also don't forget he only gets one invite a year, so people forget the mess he makes with crumbs on the floor, footprints on the carpet and half drunk drinks left lying around. If he came every day people would soon get bored, with his funny old laugh and always having somewhere better to go once he's had a drink.
Do you trust Father Christmas?
Father Christmas: Security Risk
I'm guessing if most adults were being frank (in sense), they'd avoid inviting him in at all. After all, although he's as honest as the day is long (and it's a long old day on Christmas Eve) it does go against all the security principles people stick to for the rest of the year. And if he were to stumble across your credit card details, can you really be sure he wouldn't tuck them away for a rainy day?
Adults invite him in because of the kids, and that's your angle. Next time you turn up at a friend's house, compliment them on how well their kids are doing. Call their children polite, bright and possibly the next prime minister. Say how far advanced they are compared to other kids you know, whether it's in terms of walking, talking or being genuinely gifted in something (sport, music, academia - doesn't matter which one you choose)..
Before you know it the invites will be flooding in, and people will be talking about you as the wise old owl who can predict their children's fortunes.
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The Elf on the Shelf: Christmas fun or Covid sneak?
The Elf on the Shelf has been accused of doing many naughty things, but this year he may be doing more than you think. And it might not be all harmless fun.
As you position your Elf on the Shelf during this festive period give a thought to what information the little fella' may be gathering about you and your kin. If you flout the Covid restrictions it may not be your curtain twitching neighbour causing you problems. It may be your Elf, as part of the newly created Fun Police.
With existing police forces stretched to breaking point, this year they are asking everyone to be vigilant about law breakers. Although the police deny they have spoken to them, Elves on the Shelves are in an ideal position to let your local bobby know if you've been stretching the bubble to bursting point.
He's watching you...
You may have an outdoor bar, hot tub and a garden the size of Kew, but letting your friends come round for a party is dangerous ground (in tiers 2 and 3).
Your Elf may be counting your visitors in and out of your house when it gets chilly, or when they want to use your toilet. So don't be surprised if you get that knock on the door and the polite policeman seems to know more about your house than you'd like..
Other Elf on the Shelf dangers
And Covid isn't the only risk with an Elf on the Shelf. Leaving your computer unattended can also lead to trouble.
With Santa restricted to only entering houses where the the rules allow and people supply hand sanitiser, your presents m
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Santa warns of Covid Christmas present "devastation" as new rules threaten both deliveries and traditions
Are we heading for Covid Christmas present devastation, or can Santa Claus cope with the new normal and changing regulations?
The Big Man expressed his concern this week that the latest round of regulations could ruin Christmas traditions and upset children everywhere. In an open letter from the North Pole, Santa described how restrictions across the world could play havoc with his ability to deliver presents under the tree, and to his strict timetable.
We caught up with him over a festive cup of tea in a London hotel to tackle the prickly question of how he saw the season panning out.
Santa and the Covid Christmas present issue
"Before the latest regulations, I was ho-ho-hopeful that I would be free over the festive season to deliver my gifts as normal. But things aren't going to be normal. The new regulations are too taxing. For a start, PPE will not only make me sweat, it will stop be communicating effectively with my reindeer. And even worse how will a mask fit over my beard? I'll look like a dodgy thief."
"Then there's the thorny issue of coming into people's houses. I'm guessing I'll be allowed in a Tier 1 house, but not in a Tier 3 house, and certainly in no house where there's already two other households bubbling. How will I know that before I go in? Even worse will be the fact I can't eat the mince pies or drink the alcohol left out as crockery sharing breaks even more rules."
Alternative
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Working from home is no laughing matter...don't let it be the death of you
Day 241 and the silence is killing me. Turns out working from home isn't all fun and games.
It's been some time since I went to the office for my first week of work in a new company. In fact I haven't physically met most of the people I work with. Joining during Covid lockdown has been a bizarre experience.
My days start, staring at my screen, waiting for the thirty seconds of pleasantries as the faces of work colleagues pop up one by one.
8:59am and most people working from home are at least up.
"How's your day going?" I ask with all the positiveness I can muster, as if at 8:59am they've done anything more than roll out of bed and up to their PC.
"Bit shit. Back to back on calls and it looks like it's going to rain."
"Really? Anyway..." and so the meeting begins. One hour later, the conversation repeats. And so on until Friday when people add, "...and thank God it's Friday" as if they have been suffering some third world problem of drought, famine or disease that will be soothed by a couple of days in bed.
I had instant messaging buddies once who would tell me a joke each morning or update me with an amusing weekend anecdote. They may even have brought me cake. I knew people I could show my hip scars or bizarre holiday snaps. Now my sides no longer ache with laughter, which is a good thing, but the pain has been replaced by my belt cutting in to to the extra lockdown layers. My body is developing into the shape of a chair.
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Trump tried to find Jesus to help campaign. However it was a miracle too far.
Rumours emerged today that Donald Trump tried to find Jesus in the final days of his campaign, as an alternative to an army of lawyers. An insider described how Trump prayed hard and donated the last of his campaign funds to good causes after hearing how Jesus had managed to feed five thousand people with six loaves of bread. Trump believed converting every six Republican votes to five thousand votes would be easy after that.
The Son of God however was unimpressed saying that in his time he had followed the rule of law and, despite being crucified, still felt it was the right thing to do and that Trump should do the same.
"Donald should accept his fate. If he has been a good man he may rise again. Maybe not in politics, but certainly they'd have him in McDonald's."
Jesus and Trump
In a secret interview Jesus pointed out that what was being asked went beyond your normal back-to-life type of miracle.
"His campaign is dead. There's no bringing that back to life. It's not a matter of one person, but millions across thousands of miles of country. I ain't got time for that. #sorrynotsorry."
Jesus could raise from the dead, but drew the line with Trump's campaign.
Jesus did however suggest that some of Trump's antics wouldn't help his cause when the final judgement came.
"He's claiming miracles that just don't qualify. I mean, did he actually drink the bleach? No. Save thousands from Coronavirus? No.
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Try something new to save your sanity. Surprisingly it was Brussels and Zwift that did it for me.
With Covid keeping us locked up once more, the advice is to try something new if you want to avoid cabin fever.
Have you ever gone for years thinking you don't like something, only to try it and find you've been missing out? I had it with Brussels. I'm talking sprouts rather than the place, which would be a whole different story. Anyway, having spent years rolling those smelly green balls round my plate at Christmas, having tried them again I now want Brussels all year round.
Brussel sprouts and Zwift. Try new something new midlife
It turns out that trying something new can have huge mental and physical benefits. That's not just me saying it, that comes from clever people at the NHS. In midlife apparently you should try something new fairly frequently if you want to keep hold of your happiness (and your mental faculties). Physically you and your tastes will be changing with age so be open to anything, even if before it made your toes curl.
So in lockdown, with the gyms shut and the weather turning cold, I decided to try some indoor exercise. Being a fair-weather Sunday cyclist, I splashed out on an Elite Suito smart turbo trainer. Basically an exercise bike that uses your own bike attached to a machine. My motivation was partly driven by my hip replacement recovery (have I told you about that?) and my desire to prevent, or at least delay, an operation on the other one. Oh, and to stay warm and dry when I wanted to exercise over the winter.
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Coronavirus 2 The Second Wave. Will this sequel be as bad as some others?
As Coronavirus 2 The Second Wave spreads across the country we look at whether like so many other things, the sequel will be worse than the first instalment.
If so, Coronavirus 2 The Second Wave will rank alongside many other films and life events where the first one is better, and the subsequent ones pale into insignificance. Without even pausing to think we have?
Jaws 3D: Let's hope Coronavirus 3 is not as bad
Jaws 2 (and Jaws 3D for that matter) made us understand that killing the monster doesn't stop the same thing happening again. And again. And Again. It also made us want to get our eyes tested. The Next Karate Kid (part IV) shows that repeating the same thing over and over again won't necessarily make it better. (Although Cobra Kai did save this, in a tongue in cheek sort of way).Titanic II - demonstrated that having a bad name can make bad things happen. Boris.Taken 2? Should be retitled 'That Was Careless'. A bit like ignoring scientific evidence.Basic Instinct 2. Just shows that if leg-crossing is the only thing you're famous for, you probably should leave it there and move on.
Anything else not as good second time?
Coronavirus 2 The Second Wave will tie up loose ends
As it stands, according to the fun police Coronavirus 2 The Second Wave promises more disappointment and distress than the original. However, we are hoping that some of the key plotlines left hanging in the first instalment will be resolved in the coming weeks. For instance:
Barnard Castle.
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Can resorting to powerful chemicals to enhance midlife romance actually deliver?
Growing old can be fraught with problems. As marriages stretch beyond what used to be a lifetime, the differences between partners can often become more pronounced, and nowhere is that more apparent than in the bedroom. So what does it mean for midlife romance? With differing sex drives, men and women have often struggled to come to terms with the ask, deny, frustration, grumpiness cycle. The grumpiness of the man becomes the reason for the denial, which increases the grumpiness to levels that can lead to affairs and / or divorce. A friend of mine was in this exact situation. Barren months had led to calloused hands. Buying a bigger laptop hadn’t helped, nor had leaving his search history open for all to see. His wife had decided he was a boar and a bore, plus with the onset of early evening tiredness, her desire to roll naked around the room had become more of a fear. In an attempt to break the cycle, my friend found himself inside a Boots store buying over the counter Viagra. In a slightly male way, he had decided that the problem was his ability to last. Nervously he filled out the required form, recollecting the early days of condom buying when you struggled to meet the pharmacist’s eyes as he sized you up for a night of passion.
Popping the pill with excitement
On arriving home, said friend popped his pill early, recognising his wife would soon be heading up the stairs. He followed her, complimenting her on how she looked, and sympathising with how hard she’d worked. He quoted an old song line, to which she replied “amazing” (in retrospect this could have been sarcasm) but at the time he took to be at least a thawing of the ice maiden if not quite a come on.
Midlife romance takes some work
In other departments, either the anticipation or blue pill was doing its stuff. As he climbed into bed he felt warm, excited and up for the fight. Gently (but quite quickly as he knew it was only a small pre-sleep window) he reached out and wrapped his arms around his wife.
“You’re being very affectionate tonight,” she said suspiciously. “I just thought how nice you looked,” he answered provocatively. She turned over. “I think I have a serious bowel issue,” she said. A lot went through his mind at this point, and sympathy was only one of those thoughts. His first was it was like the nuclear “no sex” escalation – I’m tired, have a headache, am sick, have bowel problem. Then, and somewhat guiltily, he enquired after the symptoms and diagnosis (google has a lot to answer for). Sadly the chemicals don't last forever in midlife romance
By the time both the symptoms and treatments had been discussed, the power of the pill was well and truly broken, proving that desire and chemicals are still no match for a determined woman.
Fortunately the diagnosis was favourable, and following a more roughage friendly diet, the wife's health returned. My friend has four pills left from his original five, but with a new big pc and powerful video card he doesn’t see any imminent use for a midlife romance. And that's acceptance of middle age and the mid-life crisis. You struggle with the fact that thirty years ago you had the world at your feet, so you should be telling your middle-age self it’s like starting again from your youth. But then as you get up to start the race your back twinges, knees hurt and hip stabs you again and again with reminders of your decline. Your addictions are harder to shake. Alcohol, tobacco, cake all become a daily battle of wills, with your body reminding you that to carry on as you are means you’ll soon be excited by daytime tv and that vision of an older person’s Ibiza is just a mirage. So what can you do before you join the bowls club?
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Rule of six may soon apply to Whatsapp groups. Shocking new claims amid rising Covid cases.
As the Government continues to develop its policies in response to the Covid crisis, it's understood they may seek to limit the size of Whatsapp groups to six people or less.
In a move that one insider called "bonkers", the plan under consideration is to lock down social media in an attempt to prevent the organisation of large scale social events.
Mr Fox believes the answer is to drink alone
Speaking for the Government, Mr S Fox of Clapham Central, explained. "Whatsapp is a great tool for the masses. However it has been instrumental in organising events that bring more than six people together in one go. What we're saying is that by limiting the group size, organising events will be harder, and there will be less social mixing. Personally, I think a group of three is enough, and if a couple drop out you can still enjoy a sociable pint without all this masking wearing Covid nonsense."
When pressed, the minister did say they were considering some sort of tiering to provide greater flexibility. "Yes, we understand the pressures people are under, so we're thinking we might allow Whatsapp groups of seven in lower risk areas. This would enable some chappy or chappess to be first reserve. So, when someone drops out due to family commitments, billy no mates can step in, meaning six people can still meet outside. Or inside depending on where you live. As long as they are family. Or in a bubble. I think."
Whatsapp
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Making the perfect cup of tea. It's something to savour, not rush.
Making the perfect cup of tea is underestimated. Most people rush it and end up with something hot but ultimately disappointing. A bit like me.
We're not going to discuss which type of tea is better here, as we'll assume you know the type you like. This is all about how you do it, not what you do it with.
So if you want to make that perfect cup of tea, then you need to think about the:
PsychologyLocationTimingFrequency
Don't rush making the perfect cup of tea
To enjoy the perfect cup of tea you have to be prepared to slow down and savour the moment.
Drinking tea follows the same psychology as drinking expensive wine. Most of the flavour comes from the anticipation of what it will be like. A quick brew in a takeaway cup will never taste as nice as one made with your favourite china mug.
It's the same with wine. Buying expensive wine you think will taste better does taste better, but partly because of the anticipation and not necessarily the true flavour. It's simply the way our brain works. People believe hot drinks taste sweeter when they're in an orange or red mug, compared to blue or white. Sometimes you just can't fight that grey matter. So before you start making your perfect cup of tea, think how nice it will be. You'll thank me afterwards.
Location can make a difference
Where you're drinking your tea can also have an impact on how much you enjoy it.
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Donald Trump's face mask refuses to stay on after Covid scare
Donald Trump's face mask resigned from its position as protector of the Western World earlier this week. Citing irreconcilable differences, the face mask claimed that it had fallen out with Mr Trump within a day of being appointed.
The President sacked his goggleswhen he realised they were no help with Coronavirus
"It was an impossible job," complained the mask. "I was taken on to protect the President, but it turns out he never really wanted me on his staff. I was just there as a prop. In fact I was only taken on when the President realised protective goggles were no help to him. By then it was too late."
The mask, known as Big M, also shared details of the President's backroom antics, which included trying to fit twenty staff in a helicopter for a golfing trip, and holding a rally for millions in a small cupboard in the White House (although only seven turned up).
"It was rubbish," said Big M. "There was no social distancing. No real respect. As a mask I'm there to protect, not be whipped off every time a camera appears."
Big M was even more scathing of the President's cleaning habits. "I was filthy within seconds. Fake tan and spittle stuck to me like glue. I was made to feel disposable. There was no way I could cope with Coronavirus as well."
Big M in action as Donald Trump's face mask
As for the President, he was in no mood for a reconciliation.
"Big M is a liar, and a useless waste of space. I don't need a mask. I never needed a mask.
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I've been learning the guitar and now dream of being a rock star. Am I too old to join the party?
I'm just a tad over 50 and play a bit of guitar. I am thinking of putting some of my stuff out there on Spotify, but am apprehensive lest I become unexpectedly popular and famous. Now, I do enjoy the odd pint or two at the local, but I am not sure how I would cope these days with the resulting drug-fuelled orgies and multiple contiguous sexual relations with younger ladies. Should I just keep on strumming alone at home or chase my rock star dream? Yours, Old Goat Marvin's Answer: Old Goat, I'm not sure what planet you live on, but all that strumming alone at home has created an unrealistic fantasy in your head. The chances of you becoming a rock star are slightly below an asteroid striking earth and wiping out the dinosaurs (like you) who seemed to have survived the previous impact.
Too old to rock n'roll....too young to join a bowls club?
Age appropriate alternative activities to being a rock star
While it's great to have a fantasy that you can hold on to as you enter your midlife, you might want to consider some more realistic ones than being a rock star. I don't know whether for example you have considered your local bowls club, bridge club or pub quiz team as suitable alternatives to the activities in your question. You are much less likely to get hurt (physically or mentally) and you might find the conversations more rewarding. Before you know you'll be fantasising about the closeness of your balls , winning tricks or knowing the answer to the speed of WW1 battleships. It also means you won't be boring your friends with tales of what could be, or playing them your latest Neil Young compositions, when they'd actually be a whole lot more interested in whether you bid no trumps or spades on your last rubber. Surviving your midlife crisis
And when you say "a tad over 50" that suggests to me that you're someone who's struggling to come to terms with their middle age, and impending descent into decrepitness. There's plenty of advice around surviving a midlife crisis like yours, but I would suggest a couple of immediate things that could help here, such as: hanging out with a younger crowd, as that can make you feel younger too. Some of my friends are as young as 43. becoming more generous. Giving is a gift as they say. Next time you go to your pub, buy the drinks. You'll feel better, and so will your friends. exercising. For example, dancing is a good and fun exercise at any age, as long as you don't embarrass people with your dad / pole dancing. being with people who have positive energy and ideas, and ditch those who are only interested in history or don't contact you. You can still be happy and serve a useful role in society without engaging in "drug-fuelled orgies". Well that's what I keep being told anyway. Good luck. Keep in touch.
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