recaffeine

[recaffeine]

4/27/2024

I need to go back and reread what I've been writing.

[recaffeine]

4/18/2024

I've always thought myself the type to hold onto whatever I can for dear life. The nostalgia is coded into my DNA. These losses carry so much weight for me. I write this letter to say goodbye to my past. My first year of my 30's was filled with tumultuous trials. It juggled between adversary and loss. I was able to leave a lot behind in the year 2023. I can feel the self-sabotage resurface again. I've been hurting from the people who left. I've been hurting because I left in my own way too. It had to be this way though. How else would I have climbed the mountain. This is the new life I live now. I'm letting you all go because I can't let my present be poisoned anymore. This is goodbye to my past chapter.

[recaffeine]

4/11/2024

I finally made it to Japan this year. It was everything I dreamed it was be. The best part was that I was able to go with the lover of my life. Yet, the reality of coming back home hit me so hard. Last year, I went through untold betrayal from friends. I'm left wondering if it's even worth calling it that. What they did hurt me deeply, but is it worth reliving over and over in my head? I want to let go of the past because it's poison to me. I want to paint them as monsters because it would make it easier to just label them as beasts.

We're all human beings though. We're all trying our best to make it out there in this world. They were my former friends. I am going to do my best to let go of this anger and resentment. I don't want to keep hurting because I feel the wounds festering. I'm torn with my new Myer's Brigg change towards ENFP. When I'm at my healthiest, I feel ENFP. However, when I'm at my lowest, I revert back into INFP.

I begin to think about the pain that most INFP carry, and it's something I don't want to carry with me for the rest of this lifetime. I forgive Tu. I forgive Calvin. I forgive Thomas. I don't want their hurtful comments continue to drag me down. I need to get out of these thought loops.

Moving onto the present day, I was able to go to Japan finally. It was surreal because it takes a level of success for me to be able to manage this trip. It is a hallmark of both my interpersonal relationships and outwardly achievement. I was able to experience the cherry blossoms with Anh. We were able to be wished off by my two close friends, Victoria and Alec. I was finally able to eat at the many convenient stores in Japan. I was able to go to the fan cafe of my current favorite game and current favorite anime. I traversed 5 cities with Anh and I felt my love for her deepen. We are years into our relationship and from my perspective, where we are is a place that is uncharted in my heart. I feel a deep love and trust that I couldn't ever find with anyone else. What ties a ribbon on top of everything is the level of commitment that shines through the veil of life's darkness.

I want to continue to count my blessings of the present and to let go of the past of yesterday's. To the universe, God and Buddha, give me the strength to exude sunshine from my skin once more. I don't want to fall back into dark habits again.

[recaffeine]

2/1/2024

if you own your failures, you own the future

[recaffeine]

1/26/2024

A person who blames others has a long way to go. A person who blames themselves is halfway there. A person who blames no one has finally arrived. I craved compassion, kindness and empathy. More than anything, I wanted my actions with it. It is through finding benign temperance that will allow me to grow into the next version of myself.

[recaffeine]

1/26/2024

I spent most of my life selfish, cruel, and arrogant. I spent the majority of my 20s as a broken soul. It would make sense for me to attract other broken people too. It is now 2024 and though I have forgiven those who scarred me, the reality of the present hit me. There was a friend who I invited into my chosen family. There was another who I saw a brother. I now capture both the past and the present. They are my friends who I hold so many dear memories. They are also the same friends who hurt me beyond measure. It felt like betrayal. They will continue to see me as that person of the past. They may not. All I know is that I’m done living in memories. I want to spend my days with my blessings. I want to praise my luck. I want to celebrate my hard work. It wasn’t easy achieving a happy ending for my 20s. I am here, and I feel beautiful. Hate is a poison that I don’t want it to consume my life anymore. Even in the eyes of evil, I will continue to choose peace. I will choose kindness. I will always fight against the pettiness, the toxicity, the jealous and the envious.

[recaffeine]

1/17/2024

A part of me had hoped that my reunion with Thomas would have helped him grow as a person. I still remember the look of disgust that he gave me as I walked out of the gym back in 2021. I was hoping that the break that we had from each other would help us grow as individuals and possibly bring back a level of genuine care back into our friendship. Yet it is apparent that he still does not cheer me on when it comes to life. It appears he still sees me as a rival. What I wanted from him was a good friend. I wanted him to respect me as an individual. From our interactions, I still know that he values love and intelligence in his life. I believe that when he sees my success in my love life and the wisdom that I've accumulated over the years, he stills shrieks in jealousy and envy. I think the worst part is that he doesn't even remember the letter where he admitted that he was jealous and envious of me for so many years. That was an integral version of why I chose to finally forgive his past actions of cruelty and betrayal.

Maybe this is a part of my growth too. Until he matures, that's not a type of energy that I can even keep in my life. I want to invest into better bonds. I hope I can make better friends this year.

[recaffeine]

1/17/2024

Goals for 2024

Lead with more compassion

Navigate through Jaw Surgery

Live life long dream of going to Japan

Cultivate more healthier long term friendships

Continue to grow and be a better partner

Go to church more and get confirmed

Save up for the next transition

[recaffeine]

1/11/2024

The golden year begins.

[recaffeine]

1/8/2024

Heavy is the head that wears the crown. I used this quote many a times in 2023. I realize now of the significance of this quote. This year, I met many people. I've quarreled with a few long the way.

What I learned from from my experience with Tu is that some people will use their misery as a way to lash out on others. They will become hypervigilant and take every joke as a perceived attack. I think about how sometimes a dog's personality will take after their master. Her dog has high anxiety and will bite others out of fear. I believe she did the same. Yet, Tu is my friend and we grew up together. I know of her hardships. Time has not been kind to her over the years. If there is a way to grant her a little peace, I would really like to try to help her with it. Forgiving tu wasn't easy. There are still days where I well up in anger. But I know deep down that she has a good heart. I want to continue to believe in her.

Calvin wasn't someone I expected to win Villain of the Year award in 2023. He became my Dr. Mann. When I first met him, I could always sense a deep hurt that echoed in his heart. It made me happy to give him some pleasant memories from the church of taeyeon adventures. What I didn't foresee was the bouts of anger and jealousy that would seethe from him over time. It was the same feeling I experienced with Thomas over my 20s. I want more than anything for him to have a heart full of content. Over the course of a few months, I saw the man who dubbed me Robin of the Titans, slowly begin to resent my personality. He began to throw veiled verbal attacks on me through passive aggressiveness. What I liked the most about Calvin though is he does know the weight of his actions. I feel the shame as he averts his gaze from mine. He is on the long road for recovery but I'll always be willing to lend a helping hand to my brother.

Meeting Thomas again was always going to be a mixed bag. Yet overall, I enjoyed catching up with my old friend. I am glad we are both old enough to acknowledge both of our shortcomings when it came to our friendship. I can still feel the tinges of envy that come from Thomas. I know he still tries really hard to emulate the qualities he was so jealous and envious of when it came to me. . He told me during our catch up that he didn't like it when people interject his negative experience with their positive expirence. A few minutes later, he did the same to me! It was funny because he caught it just as he said it. It's fascinating to see him project his habits that he doesn't like about himself towards me still. At the same time, maybe that is the legacy that I leave within him. He tries to be empathetic and he tries to give intellectual advice. Though it still seems like he's following my footsteps, i think he's on his way towards carving his own path.

I am forever indebted to Anh Tran. For I am an imperfect man. I have many shortcomings and I've made a plethora of marked failures in 2023. Yet, she still chooses to love me through it all. I am grateful to have been blessed with her heart's presence. I admire her undying resolve, her tenacious fire, and her angelic compassion. I wouldn't be where I am today without her. I would not be able to end my 20s with such a victory lap without her. My 30s are already beginning with a roar. To think that she rendered this thunder storm of a heart into clear skies. I was able to travel all across the country with such a beautiful love. From the busy streets of New York to the peaceful waves of California, I'm glad to have been able to spend it with you. I can't wait for what 2024 will have in store for us. You are the best girl that I have entrusted my secrets, my fears and my aspirations to. I want to help fulfill your dreams too. I want to continue to be safe haven. I want to continue to do my best to be there for you.

To Alec, my right hand man. Thank you for believing in me. You keep me on a straight path too. I want to continue to try my best to do good, to show you that love is always the right answer. Anger and vitriol are products of a darker timeline. There is always light, even in the darkest depths. Honestly, I learn a lot from you. I admire your work ethic, your curious compassion, and your moral compass. It reminds me of Tony starks and Peter parkers relationship. It isn't about what you did, but how you make up for it that defines you. In you, I found a little brother, a pure lifelong friend, and someone I truly trust.

To Victoria, I hope to continue to carry the sense of light heartened that you're able to exude so easily. For me, I still get bogged down from time to time about the past. You show me the importance of a light friendship. You show me how to foster long term connection. You inspire me to be confident and to be myself irregardless of the cost.

I have erred. I have conquered. I have soared. The most important lesson this year is to swallow the failure and not let the failure swallow you. How a king receives his crown, is when they take their hardships and makes gold out of it. I've made a treasure trove of grand memories. I am thankful and grateful for all of this.

#writing #personal

[recaffeine]

12/25/2023

And... it's here. I know it's been a while since I wrote. It's just I wanted there to be a lot to report about. My 20's ended almost 6 months ago and I was able to end my 20's with a big hurrah. I was able to fly to San Jose with Anh. I got a tattoo to commemorate the end of all the hurt that I endured in the past. The tiger piece was able to envelop the origins of my first and second tattoos and bring it all together. From the messiness, came strength, self-actualization and identity. I was able to create self-love from an emotional, physical and mental perspective.

By combining IQ and EQ together, I was able to manifest wisdom. Hollow blue and hollow red equals hollow purple. It doesn't negate the feelings of fear, sadness or anger. All it does is give me perspective on them. I noticed today I was able to shift my focus from a darker lens to a more colorful one. Switching perspective is difficult but it is possible. It's almost as if hope is like a muscle. You must constantly practice to maintain it.

My favorite moments from today will include eating dinner with Anh's parents and seeing her play around with lettuce, Julie eating an a pineapple(Anh Style), Tom's reaction to Jenga and Ann's reaction to getting a new phone.

It was nice seeing my family too. I enjoyed seeing my mom try on the outfits that my sister found for her. I hope my dad makes good use of the self jump starter.

I was able to honor the feelings of past Tommy when I chose to sever the ties between Tu and Thomas. It was an important growth phase for the both of them and especially for me too. I hope that with everything I learned this year, that I can really create the roaring 30's. I will make the most of this next decade and it will be full of prosperity and light.

[recaffeine]

12/3/2024

Today was a goodass day.

[recaffeine]

11/28/2023

It's been a really wonderful year filled with growth and peace. I was able to attain a level of success that the younger me would have dreamed about living in the small trailer park. I'm still on the road towards healing and right now I need to focus on the more pressing goals of next year. I do think it's time to buy another home. I need to prepare for my surgery too. I believe I was able to make peace with my thoughts of going to Houston. It is still important, but I can create a better timeline for this.

A long time ago, my main goal was freedom. I really believe I've achieved that this year. The conflict that plagued my heart for the past few years has subsided. I can live with it now in tranquility. Right now I want to focus on being a good boyfriend to Anh. I want to continue to focus on being a good friend to Victoria and Alec. I want to continue to foster knowledge to better acclimate myself with all the friends that I have made in Lafayette.

This year's theme was peace and it took a long time to get here. I was able to adorn a crown of my own. I want to be the king of my mind. This year, I spent time cultivating my kingdom and crafting the aforementioned crown. I'm going to do my best to foster a renaissance for next year.

[recaffeine]

11/9/2023

It is a privilege and a punishment to be a verb and not a noun. Some people can spend decades of their life following a linear pattern, but I just can’t. I am fortunate to experience the adventures that life has to give. I am blessed to be surrounded by those that love me even on the days where I have a hard time loving myself. I am lucky to explore the world knowing that there will always be a safe home to return to. I am lucky to be in love with you.

[recaffeine]

10/31/2023

It is municipal fate that lead me here

To be able to breathe an air

that lightly vibrates

through every fiber of my being

How magical it is to continue to dream

onto the next dream

[recaffeine]

10/20/2023

I made chicken pho yesterday and I felt the applause of my ancestors last night.

[recaffeine]

10/19/2023

Lessons learned from 2023:

Do not take things personally. Even if their attacks are personal, it is overall a defect of their own character. People hurt others because of their own wounds. Miserable people will create a miserable environment around them. Be careful to not get affected by their misery AOE.

2. Do not internalize advice/judgment/criticism from unhappy people. You would not take fitness advice from someone out of shape. You would not take financial advice from someone who has money problems. You would not take relationship advice from a divorcee. You would not take life advice from someone who is struggling to find purpose in life.

3. Listen to your emotions, if someone makes you uneasy, there's a good reason. Trust your gut intuition.

4. It is okay to fail and what defines character is the action taken after the mistake.