rebelyelling

[rebelyelling]

That time again: things i have overheard at the dive bar i work at!

——

P1: Girl, it is freezing only wearing a sports bra

P2: Well if its any consolation you look great

P1 buying and putting on a bar shirt: Well youre gunna have to pay to see it again

——

P1: im sticking to you over here

P2 just minding his own business and zoning out: huh sure

P1 proceeds to talk his ear off for the better part of an hour: if i knew my phone number i would give it to you. Wait have my facebook!

P1 leaves

Me: you got a girlfriend

P2: a stripper girlfriend at that. Ima send her a friends request

Me: shes going to block you

— the next day —

P2: my stripper girlfriend declined my friend request

——

P1: that guy looks like a lumberjack

P2: and the girl hes with looks uncomfortable

P1 starts narrating whats happening

P2: shh wish.com lumberjack is going to hear you

——

P: well time to leave and never return

Me: why?

P: do you hear whos singing outside? Shes blowing us all away!

——

P1 and i singing a duet for karaoke

P2 at the end: fuck you guys. I have to follow that?

Me: good luck

Heading inside with a crowd of people

P2: and you took everyone with you

P1: well yeah cause you suck

——

P1: we brought the guy that pissed in the parking lot

P2: im sorry for that i really had to go

Me: we just wanted to throw our trash away

——

P: i need more pool shooty fluid

Me: what?

P *waves beer bottle*

——

P1: i call interference!

Owner: youre calling interderence on a pool game?

P2: we are

Me: we need to red flag this play

O: run it again. Too many defenders

P1: the felts too lose

——

P1 after p2 just fumbled a pool shot: you should get the batteries checked in that thing

——

P *reads bar riddles*: ITS COKE!

Me: its is not coke

P: its coke to me

——

P1: durring covid the bathroom was so clean that you could do a line off the toilet paper dispencer

P2 to me: what happened? The bathrooms are gross now

Me: we got tired of cleaning drugs up

——

Me: if you dont live here, work here, or sleep with someone that works here it is time to go

P: marry me!

——

Me: its [closing time] you dont have to go home, but you cant stay here

P1: thats from a song right? What song is it

P2: its closing time

P1: i know, but this song is bugging me

P2 sighs and drags p1 away

——

P1: hey [me]

Me: yeah

P1: why arnt you wearing your ring?

Me: my ring?

P1: yeah the one i proposed with-i never gave it to you!

P2: you forgot to give her a ring?

——

P1: crazy? If there is a crazy in [town] i probably have her number

P2: how?

P1: cause im a slut

——

O: if a cop comes in, we were here the whole time

Me: ok

P2 coming up behind her: we broke like every law!

——

P1: can we change the channel from the naked people?

P2: please do ive seen to many ass shots to be comfortable

——

P1 and i watching tv

Me: they just made whiskey out of milk

P1: thats one famous cow

P1 and i make sounds of disgust

P2: whats going on over there

P1: milk whiskey

——

P1: do you want another beer?

P2: only if [me] comes and rubs her boobs against me

Me: is that how this is going to go?

——

P: hows your day?

Me: well im here

P: upright and breathing

Me: not crying

——

Me to other bartender: you should read the com log theres some hot goss inside

P: am i in there?

Me: no even worse you in the [liquor commission] log

——

P1: [me] can you help? The balls didnt drop

Owner slightly tipsy walks up and kicks the table causing the balls to drop

P2: shes magic!

——

P1: going to go home and lay in bed

Me: that sounds like youre sharing a bed

P1 laughing: it does

P2: you got to watch what you say around here. People are gunna think we share a bed

P1: what do you mean? We do

——

Many many more but this post is getting long

[rebelyelling]

It has been a while since i did one of these.

Stuff my patrons say (i work at a dive bar)

Patron: Everytime i come in here i get racially profiled. Ima stop coming in here. (Proceeds to become a regular)

——

P1: (pointing at me) thats my wife!

P2: nice. (To me) i met this guy on road crew

——

P1: (shutting outside door to block karaoke) some people should not pic up a mic

P2: (to p1) like you!

——

P: if i sing Single Ladies can i get a free drink?

Me: no

P: i’m singing it anyway

——

Context: two patrons who knocked a guy out months before happen to be there at the same time as the guy they hit

Me: you boys be on your best behavior now

P1: i have never caused an issue here. I’m an angel!

Me pointing to guy they hit

P1: i’ll behave

P2: *laughing the whole time*

——

P (a straight white man): i’m a lesbean!

Bartender 2 (an actual lesbean): high five

——

P (who i just sold a losing keno ticket to): you are, and pardon my French, fucking useless

Me: *cackling*

P: you either sell me a loser or one that too high to be redeemed here. I had to go to (state lottery hq) last time

Me: no inbetween

——

P: are we family

Me: idk are we?

P: we are now

——

P: what i wouldnt give to gobble you up

Me: *laughing* you’ve said that for years

P: and its still true!

——

P1: you don’t turn your back on family!

P2: *cheering*

Me: is…are you quoting the Fast and the Furious?

P1: yes

P2: gotta live your life a quarter mile at a time

——

P1: thats my wife (pointing at me)

P2: no shit? Like actually your wife

P1: no! Just my bar wife

——

Me to bar husband: this is our son now (baby faced freshly 21)

P1 (husband): damn we made one ugly kid

P2 (son): fuck off

——

P1: thats my mom (points at me) and this is my real mom (points at real mom)

Me: did…did you really want us to meet?

——

P1: (talking about some historical event)

P2: girl, i only got to Anne Frank

——

P: its colder than a goats teet in here

——

Someone comes into the parkinglot laying on the horn

Me: who the fuck is doing that

Regular comes in

P: did you hear me coming in? I had to improvise since i dont have a screaming goat

——

Me: yeah the bikers gave me a road name

P: thats cool, whatd you do to get it

Me: well when youre clumsy…

——

P1: hey i heard you crashes your motorcycle. Are you okay?

Me: yeah im good. I walked away with just a split lip

P1: thats good, whatd you hit?

P2: a dumpster!

——

P1: i heard you had fun in Sturgis

P2: i did, i fell off a golfcart

P1: oh like (me)

Me: copycat

——

P1: you know what, id like to talk to the manager

Me: let me find someone who cares *spins around* yes sir how can i help

P2: she got you there

P1: that was fucking good

——

Context: i got a puppy and he was only ten weeks at the time

P: im usually scared of dogs, but this guys my buddy

——

Context: regular walked out on his bill

Me: *cleaning kitchen and hears regular* *holding soapy knife* if you ever walk out again

P: babygirl please! Im sorry

——

Context: karaoke is aloud to go over but we have a hard limit of 2:00 am and this person wanted to sing a song at 2:01. She was also really off key

Karaoke DJ: you have to ask the bartender

Me: *looks up to see him violently shaking his head no* sorry no can do

P: i’ll pay you $50

Me: *struggling* im sorry i cant

——

Theres many more but this post is long

[rebelyelling]

My players know its a good session if my head ends up in my hands or i die laughing at them. They also know to text me if they want to try something, or if they want rp their character a certain way and are unsure if what they try to do is possible or not

there is actually a correct way to play dnd

[rebelyelling]

Since i’m still in awe at the pure chaos of last nights dnd session i’m going to list the highlights:

We had two new people, one had never played and one hadn’t played for a while. The one who hadn’t played got to play our tank, and the other played a character that was introduced last session. All characters execpt one fall under the chaotic alignment.

They come across a druid who asks for help clearing an old fort. In the process of finding the druid they startle an injured bear that the druid was helping. Every character failed their animal handling check. They eventualy get the bear calm and make their way to the fort.

They’re ogres and half ogres roaming around outside. The group decides violence is the answer. They clear the outside well enough, one player forgot to level up his character and nearly died because of this. The irony of him going down is that he has a spell that can stabilize characters that go down. Thankfully the dog had a medkit to help him, and another character had a health potion.

They enter the fort and its goblins. All hell breaks lose. They clear the main area and have one goblin left when the new characters player asks if she can punt the goblin. Being a nice dm i told her she needed to roll high to do it. She passes her test and the goblin gets punted. Some failed perception checks and a solid inside joke about how nice the wooded doors are (and they type if it was a bit higher) they finally know whats behind one of the doors. The new character (Y form now on) asks to knock on the door. Meanwhile two veteran characters (Z and F) go around the other side to check a door. Pass a perception check and a stealth check and get into the room unnoticed. The three characters are going for the same room.

Y knocks on the door and passes a strength check to deck a goblin with the door. The room gets cleared and the group continues. They come to another room and face two goblins and two goblin bosses. This starts a theme where i now have to tell characters to “roll for mist”. They turned the two goblin bosses to mist kill one goblin and the other surrenders. One player (P) wanted to take a hostage since the start of the campaign and finally got his hostage. They leave the room to go clear the rest of the fort.

I tried being sneaky and throwing a doppelganger at them but (Z, F, and T (another character and the tank)) killed it before the doppelganger could even move. They proceed to kill the remainder of the goblin bosses in the room (rolling for mist) and exit the kitchen. Z and F clear out the last room and looting begins. P has been harassing his hostage and Y found a cup that they decided to bring along.

One mimic later and the party leaves the room leaving P with his goblin. He sets the goblin free and returns the rope used to tie him up to F who asks where it came from. P just didn’t answer. They then storm upstairs throwing stealth to the wind and the most unusual events follow.

Y throws the cup at a goblin (picture the scene in Lilo and Stich when Stich threw a book a Bubbles’ head but sitch the hights) two more doppelgangers get absolutely slaughtered. They run across a Rakshasa which casts a wild magic spell on P (sort of retaliation for doing nothing but cast spells and cause absolute chaos to the group) they then loot the room avoiding the mimics and going upstairs to face a green hag.

In an absolute turn of events the last character D who hadn’t been doing much does 54 points of damage in a single attack and the rest of the characters just finish it off.

Everyone got inspiration die for the absolute chaos and for following the alignment of the characters.

Some key points that came up:

Me: “Poor D the lawful good”

Y’s player “Can Y be known as a goblin hater?”

Me: “Y the hater of goblins”

Me: “The wrath of the goblins?”

Me: “Bane of the goblins” F’s player: “Bane of the goblins is a new one”

Final name: “Y the bane of goblins, thrower of cups” P’s player laughing: “Thrower of cups got me”

Me putting my head in my hands as i roll a nat 20 against the green hag. Players start laughing.

D standing a tall 3 foot 1 inch against a 10 foot ogre and winning

P telling the goblin to open a mimic and the goblin refusing.

The knowledge that no session will come close to the chaos of this session.

[rebelyelling]

More ideas:

Jacob when he heard about Bella’s island wanted to do the same but couldnt do the pixel art and just decided the villagers that name starts with B would do

Leah has a female only island. She doesnt let anyone visit and wolf types are her fav

Seth has no idea what he wanted his island to look like so its a hodgepodge of all the styles he liked

Embry is broke boy and plays New Leaf on a DS lite thats more duct tape then anything. Quil lets him play as a second account sometimes

Quils island is all the less popular villagers. He looks at the popularity charts and frequently looks for villagers that might have jumped ranks

Sam started an island, but Emily got tired of him running it and nuked the island. She now has lead account and Sam plays second. Hes a little salty about it

Paul played but when Tom Nook told him the final total loan he accedentally snapped his switch lite in half. Hes currently looking into buying a regular switch but is having trouble finding one for a decent price

Jared plays but noone knows what his island looks like and at this point are too afraid to ask

Humans:

Charlie has put the most hours into the game. He 100% the DIYs and the museum. He now rotates his villager types every couple of months. Also, no one knows he has an island. He didnt mean to keep it a secret but now its and a joke to see how long before someone finds out

Billy has an island but he hasnt played in months. He still in the starting tent and doesnt even have the museum yet

Jessicas island is nothing but preppy villagers. She has a contrasting theme though just to keep people on their toes

Mikes island is frankly a mess. He got tired of his design a while ago and started terraforming and well hes still at it. Hes got dropped items littering his entire island

Angela leveled her entire island. She didnt want to spend bells to build bridges and inclines

Emily nuked Sams island after he made some bad design choices. She now holds the primary accont and just got her island to five stars

Renee doesnt know what animal crossing is and is too afraid to ask at this point

Im having way to much fun with this.

Twilight AU where they play animal crossing

[rebelyelling]

Ideas we hashed out:

Emmett went ham with the trash DIYs. His island is cluttered with junk on the ground and hes stuck at three stars cause its better that way

Rosalie only has the cute villagers and sits at five stars. Every other lily of the valley that spawns she plants then on Emmetts island cause Edward pissed her off once

Edward is stuck at four stars and cant figure out what eles Isabell wants from him to get to five stars

Alice has never lost at playing the turnip market. She lowkey keeps the info to her self and is often times playing KK Slider songs in her head when she finds out who has the best turnip prices in the house

Jasper, for no other reason but to be a dick, makes everyone feel sad when his villagers move away. Alice lets him know when someone is going to ask

Bella used to share an island with Edward, but he let her favorite villager move. So, she bought her own switch and stared a wolf only island named Isle de Jacob. She also used up all her design slots to make a Jacob portrait for her flyover

Other important info:

Everyone but Edward has (or in Emmetts case had) five star islands

Jasper has a country themed island

Emmett constantly has the most obnoxous KK songs in his head KK Bubblegum is the most played

Edward needs Lily of the Valleys to make his enterance to his island complete

Alice has an all bunny island

Emmetts favorite villagers are jock types and his isand is mostly jock, but he has Diana on his island because Rosalie accidentally said yes to her moving and freaked out. Hes waiting for the day Diana asks to move so Rosalie can have her back

Eveyone but Edward has time traveled. Edwards a purist and thinks time travel is cheating

Esme plays sometimes shes a second account on Carlisle’s island

Calisle’s island is set up like a hospital and the villagers are the patient rooms

Thats all i got right now

Twilight AU where they play animal crossing

[rebelyelling]

H2O Delirious, Cartoonz, and Dead Squirrel all posted this round on youtube. The whole video is gold. Some other note worthy youtubers are Ohmwercker, and Bryce McQuid

[rebelyelling]

As a bartender when i ask someone if they want a drink and the say no i usually ask them if they would like water or a soda after, 90% of the time they order something non alcoholic. You dont have to drink alcohol at a bar, but please dont go thirsty.

Something that was bothering me that I had to draw. 

[rebelyelling]

My sister and i almost always call eachother “bitch” in some way. But my sister does call me sissy from time to time.

I’m right and I should say it

[rebelyelling]

#someone spent three hours on this #avatar: tla

[rebelyelling]

[rebelyelling]

SEASON YOUR MEATS. ALL MEAT!! and add salt and a little bit of oil to your pasta water to season and not have the noodles stick together

My friend asked how I learned to cook and the answer is I didn't. I know like 5 things about cooking and they are:

Always use more garlic than the recipe calls for

"Ehhh fuck it close enough" is a great measurement tool

Find like 5 recipes that you like, adjust them how you like them, make them until you hate them

Clean as you go

If a recipe is from a mommy blog, you will need more spices

If anyone wants to add, please do

[rebelyelling]

My physical therapist told me I had snappy wrists and good collagen.

quick, tell me the weirdest compliment you’ve ever gotten. my doctor told me i have impeccable eardrums 

[rebelyelling]

I have the power of SKY!!

[rebelyelling]

Two of the best quotes from Lost Boys (1987)

1-

Max (vampire): Thats not cheese, its garlic!

Sam (human): I bet you hate garlic.

Max: I like garlic, its just a little much. I mean, its raw garlic.

2-

Paul (vampire): Garlic don’t work boys.

me: okay, before we go through with this, i just have one question. is the aversion to garlic like, a lactose intolerance thing where you can consume it but you’ll regret it later, or is it more of a severe, potentially lethal allergic reaction kinda sitch?

vampire: *pausing mid-bite* why… does it matter?

me: i’m just not sure if this immortality deal is really worth it if i can never eat garlic again

[rebelyelling]

[rebelyelling]

Hiding in the Helicopter - Gmod: TTT w/ Tom Fawkes | Let’s Play

“Four shots, four kills!”