rebelsfall

[rebelsfall]

journal entry - day #6299It rained today. It wasn’t just a rain, though. Not a simple, easy shower that’s enough to make your hair frizzy. It wasn’t like that at all. One minute everything was fine and the next the sky split and rained poured down as if it were trying to wash away the sins of my entire family. An impossible task, even for the rain. Today I was selfish. As it rained, I wondered why my life is this way. I thought about what it would be like to have a normal family that ate dinner together. A family where the parents loved their children and siblings didn’t hate one another. I know not everyone hates me, but sometimes I feel like such a burden. I feel like they tiptoe around me and plaster on fake smiles as to not upset me. I’m not as fragile as you think. I wish I could tell them that. I wish they’d believe me. I wish it were true. I love my family, but the dysfunction that comes with them is what leaves something to be desired. We all have our problems, sure, but sometimes it seems like a competition as to who has the bigger issues. I win. I’ll always win that contest. Today I thought about dying. As I watched the rain puddle outside, I thought of how easy it would be to float away in a flood. I don’t think I’d fight that hard to keep my head above the water. I’ve been fighting for so long and I think I’m too tired to continue. With the rain came panic. Rain always allows me to feel so much more than I want to feel. It allows me to squint, to see all of the messy details. It shows me where I colored outside of the lines. There are so many things that I could’ve done differently and so many other paths I could’ve taken. What would I be? Who would I be? What opportunities would I have if I had a better heart? I like to think that I’d be like Alexa. I like to think a lot of things. All that I really know is that I’m tired, I’m scared, and ultimately… Well, I’m all alone. We all are.

[rebelsfall]

She could feel it building in her chest. There was a tightness, something that resembled pain but it didn’t quite reach that. She could feel it in her shoulders, extending across her upper back. There was a heaviness, like the weight of the world rested on her. She could feel it in her head. There was a throbbing that crippled and left her sitting on the edge of her bed. She could feel it in her lungs. It felt as if she were underwater, drowning in her own panic. “No, no, no,” she whispered to herself as she rocked slightly while tears streamed down her cheeks. She couldn’t have lost it. It wasn’t possible for her to lose it. She’d had it for nearly fifteen years and it was the only thing that made her feel safe. There was no way that she would’ve been careless enough to lose it. Still, it was nearing midnight and she couldn’t find it. She couldn’t find that small piece of her mother. Unlike the tattoo behind Belle’s ear, this was something that was material. This was something that she could hold onto when she had a bad day. As strange as it seemed, this was something this was something that she could tell her problems to. The fact that her mother had nasty habits wasn’t something that made Belle hate her. Delia, just like Belle, had her own demons to fight and there was no judgment coming from her youngest daughter. If anything, Belle was willing to worship the ground that Delia walked on while still gently holding her accountable for her mistakes. Sure, Delia had screwed up and plagued Belle’s life with a death sentence, but she also showed remorse for it and that wasn’t a word that had ever been in her vocabulary before. That was the exact reason why the anxiety had crept into Belle. It was plaguing her upper body and she had no way out. “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered through tears just before a sob tore from her chest. Her crying had become so intense that she was starting to choke herself. The hiccups combined with the thickness in her throat made it impossible for her to catch her breath through sobs. “Mommy, please.” Belle had never understood why she did that when she found herself upset. Why was it that she cried and begged for Delia, someone who wasn’t there, to help her? Why couldn’t she ask for help, for comfort, from someone that was there? What was it about her mother that she wanted so badly? She just wanted to be held. Sleeping in her bed without it wasn’t an option. She simply couldn’t do it. There hadn’t been a single day since she’d received it that she hadn’t slept with it. If it was missing then she would punish herself by being uncomfortable until it was found. Belle sniffled and tugged the sleeve of her shirt down over her hand so that she could wipe at her cheeks. Her hand then moved to grab her pillow and she slung it angrily to the floor. There was an anger inside of her that no one ever saw, but it was always directed at herself. She was foolish, stupid, careless. She loathed herself at times. She wished for too much, she was too soft, her dependence was annoying. Why couldn’t she just be strong like her siblings? Why did she have to be so sick and weak? Why couldn’t she just be normal? Belle slipped from the edge of her bed and let her knees collide with the floor. She embraced the shocks of pain that radiated through her because it was something that distracted from the anxiety. The one thing that got to her more than most was losing something, and this was the biggest something that she could lose. Just as she laid her head down on the pillow she let out another sob. Her eyes peered under her bed and she reached out, her fingers brushing the soft fur before wrapping around an ear. “God,” she whined as she tugged it out from beneath the bed. “Bunny,” she murmured with the most broken voice that her own ears had ever heard. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll never lose you again,” she promised the stuffed object as she wrapped her arms tightly around it. Her Bunny, the little piece of her mother that she could carry with her at all times. That was all that she needed to be happy.

#*drabble

[rebelsfall]

crush noun a brief but intense infatuation for someone especially someone unattainable or inappropriate. Having a crush on someone wasn’t something that Belle had ever allowed herself. Having feelings for someone meant that there was a potential for them to one day have feelings for her, which in turn meant that she would have to add them to the list of people that would be hurt when her heart finally gave out. For seventeen years she had kept her feelings to herself. She had bottled them all up and forced them down until the dimly lit flame was finally snuffed out. For seventeen years she had refused herself the joy of loving anyone but her family. “Oh, crap,” she murmured to herself upon seeing his face for the first time. His dark hair and bright eyes had been enough to make her ashamed to be laying in a hospital bed. For the very first time in her life she hated the fact that she was different from everyone else. Her heart, both literally and metaphorically, is the one thing that set her apart from the vast majority of the world. She should’ve been dead twelve years ago, but there she was in a tacky blue and white hospital gown with leads extending from her body. The wires weren’t annoying by this point. Instead, they were like an extension of her own body.v Routine medical testing. They were the words that the lead doctor said to the group of interns behind him as he explained Belle’s condition. Drug use and long term were words that provoked sympathy from the faces in the room. All of them looked at her with feeling in their eyes except for one. The face that she was so drawn to stayed neutral which piqued her interest much more than it should’ve. She knew instantly that he either didn’t care or that he was going to make a fantastic doctor one day. Once all of the doctors had left the room, Belle relaxed into her bed with a sigh. It didn’t matter if she developed a crush on him, she thought. Of course she would. Patients often did that because how could you not completely love someone that was attempting to save your life? How could you not love someone with eyes so bright and clear that you could see your reflection in them from ten feet away? She shook her head. No, she told herself. No, she wouldn’t allow herself to do this. Minutes later there was a knock at her door and a five second interval before it was pushed open. The second that she heard the faint knock she knew that it wasn’t a member of her family. They didn’t bother to come to these appointments anymore because she had told them not to. She didn’t need someone to hold her hand, even if she craved it. The face that greeted her caused her stomach to do a backflip before sinking. She felt like her heart was going to burst out of her chest which is something that the leads picked up. Her cheeks flushed and at that very moment she wanted to dissolve. There was no reason for her to exist anymore. “Miss Deschaine,” he started and she let out an almost pained groan. “Belle,” she corrected, her tone curt just as it was every time she corrected a doctor. ”Belle.” His tone had a hint of longing, as if he were trying to see how the sound felt in his mouth. That only made her cheeks flush a deeper shade of pink. ”I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. I’m Dr. Matthews.” He stepped closer to her and extended his hand, which she immediately shook once before dropping. “Nice to meet you,” was all she could muster in response. Her heart rate was still elevated and the small smirk that graced his features clued her into the fact that he knew. When she was finally free of his presence, she let out a breath that she didn’t know she’d been holding. A small, “Fuck,” came out along with it. The slight breeze that hit Belle’s face was a relief after being stuck in such a sterile environment for hours on end. She heard her name called and turned to see the face that she was running from. “Did I forget something?” It was a surprisingly genuine question considering the fact that she wanted to tell him to leave her alone. She was anxious, panicking, and just wanted to be as far away from whoever Dr. Matthews was as possible. ”It’s the end of my shift. Do you need a ride?” Belle, for the first time in her life, didn’t have an answer. She didn’t know how to respond or even how to breathe. All she could do for several long moments was stare at him. Who was he? What was he expecting from her? Instead of a typical response for her, she nodded. “Yeah,” she called out. “That’d be great.”

#*drabble

[rebelsfall]

Castle Halsey // These Streets Bastille // You My Everything Ellie Goulding // Daddy Issues The Neighbourhood // Where Does the Good Go Tegan and Sara // HEAVEN Troye Sivan // The Chain Fleetwood Mac // Sky Takes the Soul The Proclaimers // I Need Maverick Sabre // Give Me One Reason Tracy Chapman // Runaway Train Soul Asylum // Ghost Halsey

#*playlist

[rebelsfall]

It started slow. There was a pressure in her chest during first period that was impossible for Belle to ignore. She had completely fucked herself over on her test, which was unfortunately something that she couldn’t bring herself to care about. Second period came and went with the pressure still there. It felt as if one of her brothers was standing on her chest and forcing her to endure it. It felt bad, but she was tired. She was so tired and drawing attention to herself during school wasn’t something that she was interested in. Third period was when it got a little worse. The pressure turned into a burn and her breath, oh, her breath. It felt as if one of her brothers was picking her up and squeezing her so tightly that she had to struggle, gasp, fight for the smallest breath. Still, attention wasn’t Belle’s friend. She’d had enough of it and it would go away. It always went away. Fourth period brought the cold sweats, and that was something that her doctors had warned her off. Belle had always paid close attention to what her doctors said and she knew what was happening when she paired all three symptoms together. During a calculus lecture, instead of taking notes, Belle opened her notebook and began to write. Lexa, We’ve waited for this for seventeen years. It’s been so good and that’s because of you. You took care of me and loved me, even if I made it difficult because of my health. I love you so much and I don’t want you to forget that. You are a good person and you will never become what you hate. Keep that in the forefront of your mind at all times. Tell Declan that he’s a good man. Tell Cash that he’s okay. Tell Axel to try his best. Tell Jason that it’s okay to be little for a while longer. Most importantly, tell them all to be strong. I know you won’t want to do this, but you will for me. Tell Mom that I know she’s sorry. Tell her that I was mad at her for a long time, but that it’s going to be okay. She’ll need you, Lexa, and you’ll need her. I know you don’t see eye to eye, but do this for me. Be there for each other for once. Give my sketchbook to Clara and tell her that I said thank you for encouraging me. Give my bunny back to Mom. I know she wasn’t a good mom to you, but do this for me. Give her the bunny and tell her that I forgive her. Tell everyone that I love them. Tell them that I love them more than should be humanly possible. You’re all my family and everything that you’ve all done for me over the years. I know that I was the soft spot for most of you, so make sure that this doesn’t ruin anyone. There’s so much more that I want to say, but I don’t have time. I love you, Sissy. Thank you. Belle tore the piece of paper from her notebook haphazardly and folded it, scribbling Lexa’s name on the front. She stuffed it into the pocket of her jeans and raised her hand, remaining calm as she spoke. “Mr. Jackson, I need to go to the nurse.” Her tone was steady which was a rarity for her when the nurse’s office was involved. Everyone seemed to notice this. She started to stand as heads turned, the sweat from her neck and face soaking through the collar of her shirt which prompted her to tug at it. Before she could sit back down the pain in her chest was blinding and breaths were no longer possible. Everything was collapsing around her and she was tumbling. It wasn’t until her head smacked against the hard, laminate floor that she coughed out a groan and clutched at her chest. Belle rolled onto her side and pulled her knees up, keeping her body compact as the classroom broke out into chaos. Shouts of her name and ‘911’ echoed around the room, but all she could see was darkness. Everything was black.

#*drabble

[rebelsfall]

There’s no one else quite like our mom.

#*family

[rebelsfall]

#*mb