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(very poorly recounting a conspiracy theory) basically the stonehenge rocks are aliens. they landed there and uhh forgot to move. that's their skeletons. same with the pyramids

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just froze my enemy in a giant block of ice... his surprised expression is so comical

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when cartoon characters look at a photo and the photo is of real life... it's like ok... that's how thin the veil between worlds is? it's that thin?

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(trying to remember harry potter's name) you know, the kid brunette. the maestro

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i have watched and reviewed "late night with the devil".

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chum must smell so good to sharks. i bet i'd go fucking nuts for it too. it's chum for fucks sake

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(meeting my friend's buddy campbell) candle... great to meet. heard a lot about ya. these boys ever try to light you up?

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just want to say i love your writing, love your substack. its really reinvigorated my love of fiction and all it can be. thank you!

thank you! i know it's very self indulgent to post messages like this BUT i'm a greedy little piglet for validation. please subscribe to my substack 👍

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me imagining that the $20 and $5 bills i'm holding in my hand are best friends and have a band called "$25": oh yeah. these guys are great

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"max why do you insist on mutti passata when val verde, leggo's or even generic brands offer dollar savings--" stop. is happiness of no consequence to you? is pleasure to be despised? is the brief consciousness you have been blessed with so common as to be loathsome

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one thing antiquity had going for it was every now and then someone would unveil a new fruit. doesn't happen anymore

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which toe is the star of the foot? if you think it's the big toe, you're a showboating creep. if you think it's the pinky you're a grovelling pest. and if you think it's any of the three middle ones you're a paper-thin contrarian. no substance, no intellect. you're disgusting

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I DISCOVERED A NEW FRUIT. Fulltext on Substack. "Please like and subscribe"

one thing antiquity had going for it was every now and then someone would unveil a new fruit. doesn't happen anymore

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bad news, sir. tonight's supper has generated several unexpected permutations. each of them worrying

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milk and orange juice. the two healthy family breakfast drinks. to combine them would be the most natural thing in the world. but they are at war

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i used to steal your posts to use as my facebook statuses when i was 14 and everyone thought i was a comedic genius and it stopped me getting bullied so thank you for that

endorsed. and you're welcome

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(confidently) no, that's a self-tolling bell. it tolls automatically, signifying nothing for the hearer. why